In darkness and the light, a Changmin/Yunho fic, PG13+
In darkness and the light
Characters: Homin, with a hint of past Yunjae. Kyuhyun and Siwon from SJ are also present.
Rated: PG13+
Notes: First Homin fanfic ever, I hope this is good. From lawsuit to present. This is entirely made up.
I've split it up into Chapters because it is very long, but I believe it's best read in one go, so, up to you.
Also, I don't know who owns the gif above, but it's from Tumblr, so that's not mine either, and I'll credit if I know who owns it.
**Chapter 1 - Descent into Darkness**
Changmin knows what is happening before Yunho does.
He hears the resignation in his father's voice on the phone; he hears Yunho trying to reason with the other three, the voices starting calmly, crescendo-ing into raised exclamations; towards the end, Yunho nearly pleads.
“Don't you dare give up this fight,” Yunho yells at him, and Changmin supposes Yunho is angry because he feels like the only one against them.
“I'm not. You're not alone,” Changmin tells him, and Yunho's shoulders visibly relax an inch.
So Changmin listens. He listens when Junsu or Yoochun run over to him after arguing with Yunho, he takes their reasoning and tries to see it from their perspective, works their idea around and around in his head, and he still can't see it being right. He listens to his father and his unwavering belief in the decisions he makes; he listens to Yunho, getting increasingly frustrated; “At least I've got you,” Yunho says, and he looks exhausted. Changmin wonders if he looks the same.
And then there's Jaejoong, who fights the loudest with Yunho, who Changmin has always been close to, but of course never that close; he was always the fifth wheel, wasn't he?
Jae finally asks him, “If Yunho agreed to come with us, would you come, Minnie?” and Changmin wants to ask him, “If Yoochun or Junsu gave it up and stayed, would you?”, but he doesn't want to know the answer.
He hears Yunho's younger voice in his head; “If you want to quit you may as well quit now”; Changmin replies “But Yunho would never agree.”
The day the three leave, Yunho wraps his arms around Changmin's shoulders, pulls him into a hug like a drowning man clutching at straws.
“Be strong, Changmin-ah. We've got to keep going.” Yunho says, voice muffled, face buried in the crook of his neck.
“It's okay to cry,” Yunho continues, in his brave, reassuring voice, both for him and himself.
Changmin doesn't cry. He's already cried out. He wraps his arms around Yunho, squeezes gently.
“I've got you,” he says.
He needs to be strong. For Yunho.
**
Yunho has more things scheduled than Changmin, after; he has his drama and the Michael Jackson tribute, both of which he is thankful for because without them he'd be spending too much time with the thoughts in his head. Which, apparently, is what Changmin is trying to avoid.
Yunho watches Changmin. He tells himself it's to make sure Changmin's okay but he can already tell he isn't.
Changmin throws himself into what's left of work - there's barely any left - trying to work their way around only having two people for songs meant for five, on the off-chance that they’ll ever perform them again; he works extra hours at the studio, writing and practicing dance moves, knowing that of the two remaining he's not really that good at his dancing and maybe never be as good, but trying his hardest anyway to improve.
He catches up with Kyuhyun a bit, too, but then there's only so many moments that Kyu can spare, overloaded as he is. (As he once was.)
When he gets home, Changmin cleans. He sweeps and mops and vacuums the floor, once over, twice over, until their reflections are almost visible.
Changmin changes the curtains and dusts around the light fixtures and behind the television, and when he finishes with that Changmin thinks the floor is dusty again and needs another clean. Yunho gets hell from Changmin whenever he walks all over the floor in his shoes.
Changmin shakes bed covers and fluffs up pillows, even on the three empty beds, and Yunho thinks he really must stop, and tells him so one night.
“I'm an idiot,” Changmin says, drowsily, “I should have dusted everything before I cleaned the floor, and now it's the third - fourth time I'm cleaning this stupid -”
“Changmin-ah,” Yunho interrupts, chiding. “The floor is so clean we could eat off it.”
“Don't you dare,” Changmin mutters softly, tiredly, heading to his room. By the time Yunho checks on him 5 minutes later he is already asleep.
**
Changmin knows he's agitated, knows Yunho can tell that he is so. Changmin's a usually neat freak but not that neat.
Cleaning gets boring; particularly if things were already clean; and Yunho won't let him go into the empty rooms.
Not that he really wants to.
He takes to cooking, trying out what Jae used to cook, but then the smells started making him feel sick with nostalgia and memories. He makes noodles because he's good at them; Japanese noodles, ramen with runny egg and seaweed and fish balls.
Yunho comes home at two in the morning one night after filming his drama to find a steaming bowl of noodles on the table and Changmin's big eyes blinking up at him after falling asleep on the couch.
“Go to sleep, Changmin-ah,” Yunho commands, smiling, prods the body until Changmin gets up, hair completely disheveled, half sticking up and half flopping over his eyes, and guides him to his room, makes sure he brushes his teeth, tucks him into bed against half-hearted protests.
Yunho must have told management how exhausted Changmin was because he's ordered to spend a week at home with his family the next day.
**
Changmin ends up staying away for much longer, going straight into shooting his new drama, and Yunho is left alone.
Yunho starts getting nightmares.
These aren't the easy kind, the kind with monsters or terrorist robots; he's had those as a child and he's had these before - this kind, it's the kind that makes you wake up in cold sweat because everything is too real - it takes him at least 30 seconds to realize it isn't, and then he ends up hurling his dinner into the bathroom toilet.
His nightmares don't happen often, and he can barely remember them: the last time he had one a few years back he remembers waking up, clutching his throat, taking in deep, desperate gasps of air to make sure he was still breathing, voice still working and not ruined, not poisoned, still alive.
This is different. He didn't know the people then - the girls, the fans, the hospital staff, they were all strangers. They mattered but they didn't matter. The people in his dreams mattered more - a lot more, an immeasurable amount more. His father, cold and proud and strict and disapproving and everything he ran away from, stern consternation on his face; his grandfather, giving him a thumbs up on his death bed, more familiar faces; Jae's beautiful face, utterly gorgeous and heart-shattering, miserable, his face contorted, yelling at him; delicate fingers pulled forever away from his own; Yoochun, almost ignoring him at the end; and Junsu's helpless glances - Changmin's helpless glances, the eyes large and wide like a doe caught in headlights, walking around vacant, empty, and simply wanting everything to be over, one way or the other.
He wakes up with a horrible pain in his chest, a dull, numbing pain, the weight of the world; he wonders is this what heartbreak feels like, stumbling into the bathroom.
And Changmin chooses today - today of all days, to come home. Yunho vaguely hears his voice, thinks he might be dreaming.
“Hyung, I'm home, where are-”. Changmin appears where the sentence stops dead; he finds him there in the bathroom, body pale and lightly shining with sweat; hair sticking awkwardly and hanging over his eyes, leaning against the cool bathroom tiles.
“Hyung! Hyung~!! Are you alright?! What happened?” Cool fingers brush against his forehead, his cheek, the hollow of his neck.
Yunho groans, swatting the hand away, “Changmin, there's no need to check for a pulse. I'm not dead.”
Changmin huffs, standing to wet a towel from the basin. “I should have been here, made sure you were okay.” His hurried movements make Yunho dizzy.
“No, you needed a break. You look better,” Yunho groans again as he tries to get up, and Changmin nudges him back to the floor, cool towel held against his forehead.
“But you don't,” Changmin replies, shortly. “Seriously, what happened?”
“Bad dream,” Yunho replies, just as curt, and Changmin understands.
“You look like hell and it was a bad dream,” Changmin repeats, sighing and shaking his head.
“Don't worry about the floor, I'll clean it.” Yunho takes the towel from Changmin's grip.
“Incredible, you think I am worried about the floor when I’m more worried about you,” Changmin sniffs, and Yunho almost laughs.
“Just making sure you had your priorities in order.”
Changmin gets to his feet, pulling Yunho with him. “I see your sense of humor is back, so you must be better. Take a shower, brush your teeth, and I’ll make some food for you, and then we’ll both get some sleep.”
Yunho grips Changmin’s wrist as he takes to leave. “Wait,” he says, urgently; Changmin pauses, looks at him with those large eyes.
“I’m sorry,” (Yunho’s voice cracks. Changmin pretends he doesn’t hear.)
“For what?”
“I’m the leader and I - I couldn’t keep us together,” Yunho spits the words out, bitter, it had to be said and every word feels heavy.
Changmin purses his lips into a thin line, eyes watching him, contemplating, and turns to face Yunho (who wants to look everywhere but his eyes).
“Hyung. Look at me. You gave me a fright today. I can't lose you (too), okay? So I’m going to say this once. It was never your fault. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. I don’t blame you. For any of it. Do you understand?”
Yunho closes his eyes, and nods once, unable to find the strength to speak. Changmin smiles softly, pale bags under his eyes, looking just as exhausted as Yunho feels, and then wrinkles his nose.
“Seriously, hyung. Go take a shower. I mean it, you smell.” Changmin grabs a clean change of clothes from the dresser and throws it at Yunho, who catches it swiftly and simply shakes his head and does as he is told.
**Chapter 2 - The Early Hours** Back to Top
Practicing their old routines is something akin to pain.
Changmin gets it. It’s not like he doesn’t know how to perform these dances; they’re routine and habit born from years of practice. He can perform these half asleep with his eyes closed. It’s just -
It’s just when Changmin turns here, he should see Jae right in front of him. And here, when Changmin jumps, he should hear Yoochun’s intake of breath, ready to belt out the next line. And this line, this line, Junsu’s line, Changmin has to sing it, now.
At least when he turns to his left Yunho’s still there.
Changmin dances harder and practices longer because he knows he’s weaker at it - he dances until every muscle and every tendon aches, and it still looks nothing half as good as Yunho-hyung’s dancing.
He steals glances at Yunho during practice and knows he must feel exactly the same, the way his eyes are vacant when he dances, automatic - knows that when he jumps in Rising Sun there’s supposed to be four members jumping in unison behind him, knows that when he jumps alone he jumps higher because he’s alone; the professional that he is, pushing, always pushing: Yunho pushes his voice like the way Changmin pushes his dancing, stretching his range so that two voices can fill songs meant for five, like the way Yunho practices until he’s too tired to speak by the time they head home.
This is the reason Changmin slowly learns to communicate with Yunho without words - reads the expressions on Yunho's face, the meaning behind Yunho's touches, the tight clasp against his wrist (Don't leave) and the feather-light resting of his hand against his back, his shoulders, the small nudges into his sides (I've got your back); the 100 different smiles: the one which means I am truly happy with both corners of his mouth twitching upwards and the fake one where the corner of his eyes don't crinkle; the one which means You're an idiot, Changmin-ah where only one side curls like a smirk and his current favorite - the small, tiny smile that Yunho only gives to Changmin at practice, the encouraging one accompanied with a short nod, the one which says we can do this and at the end this will be worth something, the one which gives Changmin courage and soft confidence and gets him back on his feet for another practice.
Changmin speaks to Yunho through light bumps of the shoulders, a graze of elbows, a faint, constant reminder that I'm here, always;, sometimes when Yunho clutches at his wrists he simply clutches back (I've got you); hands resting on shoulders, on knees, I'm here and I'm with you.
Then there's all the other things: the fiery glances before every practice, the ones which make hairs tingle on the back of Changmin's neck and butterflies in his stomach; the nod of the head when they lock eyes: the let's do this glance, a mirror of Yunho's nod to him; dragging Yunho onto his feet after every routine, and the teas that he makes for Yunho every morning and every night for his throat.
Old habits die as new routines are repeated and learned, over and over, until memories start looking grey and fuzzy and Changmin can only faintly remember how they used to be. They cut and chop and change and replace: they make the dance routines and the songs their own, they make these performances their own. It is recognizable yet it is new; it is unique; it’s theirs, theirs.
When they dance to their own MAXIMUM for the first time, theirs and theirs only, Changmin gets mixed feelings, like this is the bridge that we must cross, and there might be no way back.
They get through it. Changmin feels all his muscles pulling like a body through a hurricane and finding tranquility at its heart, a bubble of pain in his chest building and bursting at the end.
Yunho holds a steady gaze and he dances with everything, and when it's finished he sits down on the floor, elbows up at the knees and head in between his arms. Changmin crouches next to him, hand on his shoulder, and Yunho clutches at it, strong enough to hurt; they don't speak (they don't need to speak), and only their heavy breaths fill the silence.
It lasts just a moment. Then Yunho gestures to be helped up; Changmin does so and they start again from the top.
They start to fill the spaces left behind.
**
Yunho thinks the worst part of practice is going home.
Practice is practice: it's grueling and exhausting but at the end of the day Yunho sees a purpose, can see the goal, far off in the distance, but can see it nonetheless.
Going home with limbs tired and throat sore, it's a reassuring type of pain, the type of pain that lessens over time and tells him that he's improving.
It's the banter that he misses on the rides home, Jaejoong and Junsu and Changmin bickering at each other and over each other and Yoochun's light snores, and the ache in his heart doesn't seem to get any better.
The three closed doors that were in your face as soon as you step into the apartment simply make it worse, the doors to emptiness and silence that plague him with memories.
And there's no one racing for the game consoles in front of the television anymore, no racing for the showers; Changmin automatically lets his hyung shower first and stretches his legs in front of the television, high volume on some late-night comedy show, laughter filling the apartment (it's not their laughter but it'll do).
Changmin takes up cross-stitching, in front of the television, gives the final products to noonas on television shows who love him all the more for it, and Yunho thinks it'll only tire out his eyes. Changmin fiddles with the needle and thread, in and out, methodically and precisely, and tells Yunho that he finds it meditating, and restful, and Yunho lets him because it makes him happy. Changmin stops when he's satisfied he's done enough for one night, folding it carefully and placing it into a tin under the coffee table.
One night they get home particularly late and Yunho can hear Changmin flicking the channels irritably; settling on some monotonous wildlife documentary because the comedy's no longer showing. It's too quiet, too boring, and Changmin swears under his breath when he pricks his finger for the fifth time. Yunho looks up from his laptop, concerned.
“Changmin-”
“I'm sick of this place,” Changmin announces loudly, flipping his hair and raking his fingers through it, frustrated, “It's too empty, it's too big, I hate those stupid doors, there are ghosts here, everything just -” he chokes, clears his throat, “Yunho, hyung, I don't know if you want to stay here, if you want to stay then okay, we'll stay, but -”
“I was thinking the same thing.”
Changmin blinks as Yunho disappears into the kitchen. “Are you sure, hyung? I didn't say anything because I didn't know if you wanted to-”
“And I didn't say anything because I didn't know if you wanted to stay here either,” Yunho says, a small smile on his face, carrying the small first-aid kit. He takes out bandages and begins to tape them onto Changmin's fingers.
“I'm sure management wouldn't mind if we wanted a smaller place. It's probably cheaper too. Two bedrooms, something nice and simple...I'll talk to them in the morning.” Yunho blows softly on the injured fingers. “Better?”
“Yeah,” Changmin says, flushing, cradling his hand. “It wasn't that bad, hyung, it could probably heal without bandages...” Changmin yawns loudly then, eyes drooping. Yunho prods him awake.
“Changmin-ah, if you sleep here you'll have a sore neck and complain to me all morning,” Yunho says, dragging him to his feet and towards the bedroom.
They leave on the weekend. It feels better.
** Chapter 3 - Dawn** Back to Top
Yunho wonders when Changmin grew up.
Changmin used to embrace his evil maknae title with gusto; he joked and pulled pranks on other members; he stole food from crew; he whacked Jae with those air-filled plastic hammers a little too hard in variety shows; and his mouth would run with cynical remarks left, right and centre. Yunho would not dare let Changmin anywhere near a whoopee cushion because he'd probably have the time of his life.
Of course Yunho was the leader, the one people turn to for opinions and advice, the one people turn to for protection when Changmin is attacking them (usually Jae). Of course, Changmin would grin at him innocently and Yunho would let him off the hook much too lightly for Jae's liking.
Changmin has always had “old eyes”, the ones which showed wisdom far advanced past his age; dark and expressive and sparkling to various degrees with every different glance. Yunho notices his height and how everything just seemed to have stretched, elongated limbs and more prominent bones because Changmin no longer ate as much has he used to. Yunho notices an elegance, a refinement, that Changmin never had before.
Lately Yunho finds himself asking more for Changmin's opinion, more of Changmin's advice. Do you think we should do this or think we should do that; and Changmin, being Changmin, provides the most brutally honest answers, which is just as well because Yunho likes it that way and appreciates it all the more, and is generally satisfied when Changmin approves of something.
Changmin looks out for him more, chastises Yunho when he's not wearing enough clothing, like he's frail and could get ill at any moment, and the never ending brews of tea in the morning and the evening, varied in flavors (to date: Lemon and Honey and Oolong and Jasmine and Rose and Turkish Delight and Peach Blossom and Peppermint) to keep it interesting because Changmin knows Yunho gets bored easily.
And Yunho lets himself loosen up sometimes, teases Changmin, makes funny faces at him, pouts, whines a little, lets himself fall asleep on Changmin's shoulder on occasion.
Just like when they tried on that new outfit for the first time - a monstrosity, Changmin called it - the one which was brown and grey and patchy with funny patterns and fur and feathers, the one which Changmin glared at with laser beams in his eyes; Yunho struts around in said monstrosity, moves his arms and bobs his head to mimic a chicken and Changmin spends the rest of the shoot trying to keep a straight face, muttering about whether or not some evil has been transferred from himself to Yunho, and Yunho thinks, maybe, yes.
And then there's the cooking and the cleaning.
Yunho brings it up once over dinner, and Changmin looks at him, confused.
“Because I'm hungry and there's nobody left to cook for us,” Changmin replies, eyes furrowed, (“Because Jae left,” he wants to say too, but he doesn't,) “And this means I can eat whenever I want. Why?”
“No reason, you just seem to have grown overnight,” Yunho replies.
“Maybe it's because of my grown-up face,” Changmin suggests, placing the chopsticks down and pulling wrists together, long fingers fanning either side of his cheeks, eyes fluttering playfully. Yunho snorts into his tea.
“Do you not like my cooking?” Changmin demands suddenly, and Yunho splutters.
“What? No. I-”
“Is that a No-I-Don't-Like-Your-Cooking?!” Changmin mock-glares at him.
“No! I like your cooking! It’s much better than my cooking! Don't stop cooking! If you do we'll either starve or get fat on take-out.”
Changmin huffs and steals food from Yunho's bowl, pops it straight into his mouth.
(Some things never change.)
“Changmin-ah, if you don't stop stealing food you will never stop growing and you'll be taller than me.”
“But I am taller than you,” Changmin points out, grinning.
“Taller than me with my insoles in my shoes,” Yunho corrects between gritted teeth, and Changmin practically glows.
Yunho finds increasingly that his mood is considerably improved whenever Changmin is happy.
**Chapter 4 - Rising Sun** Back to Top
Changmin is nervous.
Their first performance in 2 years and Changmin feels completely unprepared, like he's 16, like the very first time they had a performance, when everyone else couldn't sleep as well and Yunho was yelling at everyone to go to bed.
He wakes up at ridiculously crazy times, sometimes before the sun rises, and he wastes time gazing at the ceiling unable to drag himself out. At practice, a knot in the pit of his stomach restricts his dancing, a hint of stiffness in his limbs; he sleepwalks through the day, everything a haze, like he's inside a little glass bubble looking out; and he feels distant, remote. He takes coffee to try and wake himself up, and it helps a little; by the time it gets dark Changmin just switches off and he's out like a light as soon as he hits the pillow.
Changmin wishes for the days when new performances were easy.
Yunho notices, of course, even though it’s not obvious to anyone else; he notices the glazed expression over Changmin's face, the pale bruises underneath his eyes, his agitation, and his snark increased tenfold; he jumps a little when he's caught unaware by the crew and he snaps a little in reply. Yunho stays by his side, hand on his back, reassuring; if Changmin looks a bit too upset then he'll speak on Changmin's behalf.
Yunho frets over Changmin, bringing him his coffee, nudging him so that he could snap out of whatever daydream he is having when manager hyung approaches. Yunho tried cooking for Changmin once, too, because Changmin always ate more when he was stressed (but Changmin had scolded him and told him to never try cooking for him again); now he lays out the ingredients for the night and let's him do it instead. Yunho makes sure Changmin is off to bed at a respectable time, and makes sure that Changmin's fallen asleep before he sleeps for the night as well.
Yunho frets over Changmin because he doesn't want to have the spare time to think about it. To think about the other boys, the fans, Changmin - Changmin - everything.
He doesn't want the cracks to show. There are no cracks.
**
He should just let go, Changmin thinks, hoisted up into the harness, heart pounding and fans screaming down below. After the nightmare of the past two years there wasn't really any way to go but up, and Changmin finds himself suspended in mid-air quite fitting.
He glances at Yunho across the stage, who gives him that little nod again, the one Changmin has already memorized in his brain, and it gives Changmin strength. Changmin shoots him a grin and a thumbs up and Yunho grins back.
Today was going to be a good day.
**
The performance was exhilarating.
Yunho feels invincible, the wind in his hair, and a part of his brain is yelling at him to concentrate, a voice yelling above that of the crowd, don't stuff up, let's get to the end first!, and it sounds unbearably like Changmin.
He performs for everyone, for the fans and for his family and the right to uphold the TVXQ name, we're still here and we're not broken.
At the end of it he hears the adoration and can't help the grin plastered onto his face.
Their fans were still there and waiting for them with open arms.
Yunho keeps moments like this in his head, and this one here, knowing that there were people that still believed in them, hundreds of people at their performance, these people were here for them -that was enough.
Yunho locks this moment in his heart, for all the times he feels like giving up.
**
“We did it!”
They’re in their little backstage room and Yunho envelopes Changmin into a bone-crunching hug, strong arms surrounding him, and Changmin is happy and breathless and too many feelings to describe; there’s a sparkle in Yunho’s eyes, a mirror and a window all at once. Ecstasy and relief and adrenaline still pumping through his veins; Changmin’s hands grip Yunho’s sides, returning the embrace, they’ve done it, this first step, this-
“Changmin,” Yunho says, breaking Changmin’s train of thought. He looks at Yunho, who pulls back, hands reaching up to Changmin’s face.
Something clicks, settling off alarms in the depths of Changmin’s mind, like maybe this was too close, like this is the time he usually breaks eye contact and he pulls away, like this is the time he should break eye contact and pull away, like the air suddenly becomes thick and he finds it difficult to breathe.
Changmin pulls his gaze away, scanning the room and looking at the door and hearing the voices outside, and he lets out a short breath he didn’t know he was holding when Yunho plants a chaste kiss on his forehead.
“Changmin-ah,” Yunho repeats, his voice barely above a whisper. Changmin looks at him and his eyes are black.
“Are you happy, Changmin?” and Yunho’s not just talking about their group, anymore, even without putting it into words.
Something inside Changmin gives way, a crack in his heart; he shuts his eyes tightly as if it could stop time so he could think. He’s spent months - hell, years - trying to ignore this - this feeling which was like acute pain, a feeling that made his throat dry and his chest ache; building up inside him fighting to get out, and unable to because he wouldn’t let it, wouldn’t let any of it show - everything just hits him all at once.
He opens his eyes and meets Yunho's.
“You already know the answer to that,” Changmin says simply, and he smiles.
Yunho takes in all of Changmin’s features: his smiling, radiant face, those large, glossy mismatched eyes; he doesn’t think and acts on instinct, still swept up on the euphoria of their performance, pulling Changmin in and covering those (gorgeous) lips with his own.
** Chapter 5 - Blazing Heat** Back to Top
Time freezes for a split second and then Yunho is shoved forcibly back, Changmin’s pale hands stark against the black collar of his jacket. The smile is gone and replaced with something serious, dark eyes scrutinizing, almost cold, and wide with shock.
Yunho wants to run away and never come back, Oh, fuck, but Changmin’s still holding onto him.
“If you were anyone else I’d bitchslap you to hell,” Changmin’s voice is unreadable, and Yunho can’t look at him.
Changmin sighs impatiently and walks over to the door, locking it from the inside, and returns to Yunho, who’s stuck rooted in his place.
“That’s better. We’re alone. Look at me,” Changmin orders, softening his tone, hand reaching to tilt Yunho’s chin.
The moment Yunho peers back up Changmin’s lips descend on his, hungry and devouring, and Yunho can feel him smiling against his lips. (The evil~!)
It’s wet and soft and messy and hot, teeth clacking against teeth, it’s not like any kiss he’s kissed before and he can feel his heart beat wildly in his chest. When Changmin attempts to seek greater access with his tongue Yunho emits a keening sound he wasn’t even aware he could produce.
Changmin pulls away then, looking at Yunho’s embarrassed face, red creeping up from his neck to his ears, and Changmin looks amused.
“Just make sure the door is locked next time,” Changmin adds, and Yunho has to laugh.
They fall asleep that night in Changmin’s bed, hands together and limbs entwined.
**
The trip to Spain is something of a dream.
They tell management that they wouldn't mind sharing a bed; it was less hassle for the hotels and they'd done it before and nobody blinked twice given that they'd already lived together for 8 years.
Except things are slightly different, now.
Changmin was new at everything but he was always clever, and this was no exception. Experimentation and awkward fumbling did not last long, and Yunho, well, Yunho always sounded more than satisfied.
Changmin loves learning Yunho's body, the way his eyes shut tight when he adds pressure at the dip of his hip and kisses at the hollow of his neck, hands everywhere and skin aflame at every spot that Changmin touches, the way Yunho's hands clench against the bedsheets when Changmin marks a trail of kisses down his chest; the gasps and the ridiculous sounds he makes involuntarily at the back of his throat.
Changmin cherishes those nights in Spain when they were tangled up in sheets and Yunho would trace lazy patterns up and down his arms and his chest; circles and swirls which inevitably headed down south and drove Changmin crazy with need.
Yunho loves it, loves having Changmin under him, skin glazed with sweat; loves the look of Changmin completely disheveled, undone, so unlike the calm, collected Changmin that people usually see; hair fanned against the pillow, hair in his eyes; loves pulling Changmin's curls away from those eyes, and Changmin struggling to look straight at him because his eyes keep fluttering shut, eyelashes stark against his skin; and his mouth, that gorgeous mouth, lips apart and swollen from kissing, the unevenness of breath and Changmin's moans as he comes.
Spain in the day is beautiful, the sunflowers and the cobbled streets and getting sand up to their arms on the beach; Spain at night is simply magic.
**
Changmin decides he rather likes sunflowers.
He talks to Kyu on the phone about the sunflowers, and how they gain energy, and how fitting they are, and how he believes Energy flowed through and passes from being to being - and Kyu thinks he's watching a little too much Star Wars, but Changmin is adamant.
Changmin knew that when he was strong then the other people around him were strong. It is the reason he needs to be as strong as possible for Yunho and as strong as possible for his father and his sisters.
Changmin also knew that when he was weak then the people who were strong made him stronger. Like his mother, who supported him from the very beginning and continues to believe in everything he does; his fans, screaming in an undeniable and unwavering energy force that never ceased to amaze him every time he performs, at every concert, and reminds him of the feeling of invincibility at the times he wants to give everything up.
Like Yunho, who tells him not to keep anything from him, who can tell with a glance that something is up and if he can't get it out with the first try then he'd sit Changmin down at the dinner table with a cup of coffee and makes him stay there until he tells Yunho what the problem was. And if he couldn't do it at the time, because they're at a press conference or in front of fans at an airport or halfway through a photoshoot, then he'll support Changmin through soft nudges and touches until everything's over.
It makes everything feel a bit better, knowing he was there.
Kyu thinks that maybe it was also like powering up in a computer game, and Changmin rolls his eyes.
One day Yunho tells him that he thought they were rather like the letter A, and when Changmin asks him why he draws it out: two vertical beams leaning in towards each other the way they leaned against each other.
“And the horizontal beam?”
“That's our fans, holding us up.”
Changmin starts tracing As on Yunho's hand whenever he sees Yunho feeling down.
**Chapter 6 - Lazy Afternoon** Back to Top
“Did you call me your wife on national television!?”
“....Maybe.”
“I'm not your wife! Why can't you be the wife???”
“But you cook and clean and -”
“That's sexist, hyung!”
“You're far superior to any real wife I could possibly ever have, and way hotter, does that make it better?”
“...Maybe.”
Yunho kisses him.
“This still doesn't make it okay to say that I'm your wife on national television.”
“Okay, okay, sorry.”
“I think you need to be punished.”
“...!?”
That night Changmin refuses to cook. Yunho orders take out and they eat in the bedroom.
**
Kyuhyun is the first person to suspect that something's going on.
“- so there I was in the back of the minibus trying to catch up on some sleep, because obviously I was playing video games the night before, and stupid Eunhyuk was prancing up and down the aisle singing Super Girl, and trust me, when you're trying to sleep Super Girl is the last song that you want stuck in your head - are you listening to me, Minnie?”
“Yeah! Super Girl. Go on.”
Kyuhyun eyes him suspiciously over the Skype connection.
“What's wrong with you?”
Changmin's taken aback. “What? Nothing.” He stares at the camera with an impassive face.
Kyuhyun sighs. “So then, where was I? Oh right, Eunhyuk is prancing and Donghae's just laughing his head off, and then Henry let's off this tyrade in English, I don't know, he was speaking too fast, and then Zhou Mi suddenly goes QUIETTTTTT, and everyone just shuts up because they're shocked that Mimi would - Changmin you would have interrupted me by now, what's wrong with you??? Seriously.”
“Nothing is wrong.” Changmin repeats again, and smiles at Kyuhyun as reassurance.
A pause. And then -
“You bitch,” Kyu says, suddenly, “You're getting laid, aren't you?”
"No,” Changmin replies automatically, defensively, but Kyuhyun's getting none of it. Kyuhyun gets up close to the webcam such that his face practically fills the screen.
“You are. You are!! Comeon, Minnie! You can tell me I won't tell anyone! I thought we were brothers -”
“I'm not saying anything!” Changmin exclaims, and then covers hands over his mouth.
“You~!!! Who's the lucky girl and where did you find her and when do I get to meet-”
“Kyu,” Changmin interrupts, warningly, “There's no girl, okay, I can keep my love life secret if I want-”
“- so it's a guy, then??”
“What?? I didn't say that.”
“Well you said it wasn't a girl and you're getting laid. Unless you're into animal-”
“-don't be disgusting-”
“-or food, like everyone says-”
“Shut up, Kyu!”
“-then logically speaking, it has to be a guy, right??? Right??”
“Oh look, my laptops running out of batteries, I better go, goodbye!” Changmin says, and hurriedly switches off the laptop.
Two seconds later his phone starts ringing. He switches that off, too.
**
Yunho's taking a filming break and having tea with Siwon when the phone rings.
Siwon looks over at the phone vibrating on the table.
“Hyung? Kyuhyun's calling you.”
Yunho looks up, puzzled. “Huh? Kyuhyun?”
There it was, Kyuhyun's name and a silly photograph of him with Changmin that Changmin had placed on his phone. Siwon shrugs. Yunho puts it on speaker.
“Kyu? It's Siwon I'm with Yunho! What's up?”
“Hyung! Can I talk to Yunho-hyung? I need to ask something about Changmin!”
Siwon waves him off and Yunho picks up the phone.
“What about Changmin?”
“Yunho-hyung! I think Changmin is getting laid and I need to find out who it is! Do you have any idea?”
“What?!” Yunho can feel a flush creeping up his neck. Siwon raises his eyebrows enquiringly and Yunho waves him away.
“You heard me. Have you seen Changmin hanging around anyone? It doesn't even have to be a girl-”
“-What??!”
“He won't tell me! I was wondering if you knew.”
Yunho clears his throat.
“No, I don't have any idea...”
Kyuhyun sighs.
“Thanks anyway. Say hello to Siwon-hyung and tell him to hurry back here. Bye hyung!” He hangs up.
Siwon looks at Yunho, bewildered and staring at his phone.
“Is anything the matter?”
Yunho looks over at Siwon warily. “The kids are insane.”
Siwon rolled his eyes, quirking up an eyebrow.
“Oh? I hadn't noticed.”
**
“You’re quite close to Kyuhyun.”
“…? Yes, hyung, you know, us maknaes need to stick together.”
“Hmmm.”
“Are you jealous of my friendship with Kyuhyun?”
“Kyuhyun has a line of guys, or something, right?”
“Oh, the Kyu-line?” Changmin grins. “Minho, Jonghyun..”
“Yeah, that.”
“But you don’t look anything like Kyu, hyung. You’re jealous of the Kyu-line?”
“No.”
“Just jealous of me and Kyu then.” Changmin grins and Yunho’s ears are a faint shade of pink.
“No….”
“Just admit it, hyung.”
“I just wanted to know why Kyuhyun has been asking me these funny questions…”
(Changmin nearly drops his bowl of rice he was eating.)
“What - what kind of questions?”
“He asked if you were dating anybody, and more specifically any guys.”
“....guys?”
Yunho bursts into laughter. “God, you're adorable when you're flustered.”
“Don't use God's name like that, hyung.”
Yunho shakes his head, “You're right, you're right.”
“Don't listen to everything Kyu says, hyung.”
“Why? It's true and we both know it.”
“What should we tell him then?”
“What do you think?”
“We could tell him he's hanging around Donghae and Eunhyuk too much! That should shut him up.”
Yunho laughs again. “Now there's an idea.”
“So you’re not jealous of me and Kyu then?”
“No, no, I trust you.” Yunho smiles.
Changmin pulls Yunho close and kisses him.
**
They keep it a secret.
They keep it a secret because it was easy; they were always close nobody batted an eye if they leaned on each other more, or glanced at each other more, or shared more smiles.
In public Yunho never felt the need to be any different: Changmin had lightened up a bit, laughed more freely, giggled at his antics; and Yunho thought that Changmin being happy was a good thing that should never need to be hidden.
Changmin would always swat Yunho’s hands away when they’re in the car or alone in a lift; he didn’t want to be seen by any cameras; Yunho understood and did the same whenever Changmin’s hands wandered.
Home was Freedom; Home was Spain; Home was being thrown against the wall almost as soon as Yunho steps in the doorway, Changmin’s hands everywhere; Home was nuzzling and kisses up the jawline whilst snuggling on the couch watching television; Home was Yunho crawling into Changmin’s bed because he had trouble sleeping; and vice versa.
They were small adjustments both were quite happy to make.
As for Kyu, he guesses never hit true target, and it gave Changmin a little bit of satisfaction.
**Chapter 7 - Dusk** Back to Top
Yunho was getting frustrated at photoshoots.
It starts off pretty well, Yunho allowing himself the space to admire the gorgeous entirety that was Changmin Shim, and being close to him without it being out of the ordinary, Changmin shooting him irresistibly smouldering glances that make Yunho want to drag him into the nearest private room (Yunho tells him about it once, which only led to a much more unbearable session because neither of them were paying attention); and it was okay because they were just doing what they were told.
Closer and Intimate are words that the photographers keep saying, keep bringing up, and seriously Yunho doesn't know how much more intimate he can get with a guy like Changmin.
Changmin, who could practically model when his singing days were over, takes it in his stride, the complete professional, and Yunho feels something like envy.
Sometimes he misses the others; the way there was variety and banter and he wonders if Changmin is tired of seeing him all the time too.
It's not that Changmin wasn't fantastic; but did they need to do these poses all the time?
Changmin's there and reassuring, tracing little patterns on his arms, hand on the small of his back, and smiling, are you alright, hyung?
Yunho doesn't say much that day. Changmin understands and steps up as he always does.
**
Changmin can't do confrontation as well as Yunho.
Changmin has always figured things out on his own, perhaps because he was the youngest and had to take care of himself the most; or because he was worried that his problems weren't as important as the others'; Yunho was always busy with looking after everyone else, and he didn't need the extra burden.
He supposes that's why he's so close to Kyu, who was alike him in so many ways.
One day he walks in on Yunho on twitter and listening to JYJ, and finds he can't breathe.
Yunho sees Changmin with his eyes wide and standing frozen at the doorway.
“I'm going to go for a drive, don't worry, I'll be safe,” Changmin says, and he spins on his heel and heads out before Yunho can stop him.
By the time he reaches the studio he has a song formulated in his head and he stays there until he finishes it. It might never be released but it was something.
When he gets home, Changmin finds Yunho asleep at the dinner table with a cup of cold coffee in his hands. Yunho stirs when Changmin places a hand on his shoulder.
“Changmin?” Yunho says, drowsily, and he appears very young.
“I'm here,” Changmin says, softly.
“I made you coffee,” Yunho says, blinking. “I've been waiting-”
“I know, I'm sorry.”
Yunho clutches at Changmin's hands, and Changmin returns the gesture.
“Don't you miss them?”
“Of course.” Terribly.
“Do you want to listen-?”
“I don't-” Changmin can't really put it into words, the way he'd prefer not to think about them, the way he's afraid of what he'd feel.
Yunho nods. “When you're ready, it's on my laptop. It'll make you feel better.”
Changmin does so about a week later when Yunho's not at home, preferring not to let Yunho see him when he breaks down.
**
“You know this won't last,” Changmin tells Yunho, lying in bed beside him, speaking in the darkness.
“Hmm?”
“Eventually you'll find a great girl, and get married, and be a wonderful father, and I...” Changmin's voice drifts and Yunho can only make out his silhouette in the dark light.
“And you will be too,” Yunho finishes for him. Changmin remains silent.
Yunho finds Changmin's hand amongst the bed-covers and Changmin's fingers wrap automatically against his own.
“We have now, and the future. Which may or may not last, I know. I'm aware of it.” Yunho explains. “But we have now, and that's what's important. Besides, I'm going to make you godfather to m-”
Yunho takes in the steady rise and fall of Changmin's body and realizes he's fallen asleep, Changmin’s fingers curling in his a reflex, and Yunho feels a sudden tightening in his chest.
He grips Changmin's hand tighter, and it stays there until the morning.
**
“Am I a replacement for Jae?”
“What?”
“You can tell me, I can handle it.”
“No, you're not a replacement for Jae.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“But you guys were so close. Like us close.”
“Closer, probably.” Yunho grins. Changmin makes a face.
“Don't want to know, hyung.”
“Sorry, I’m just kidding.”
“So if Jae comes back, we won't be over?”
“Jae's not coming back.”
“You don’t know that! I mean. If they do. Or if we do. You know.”
“We won't be over.”
“Really?”
Yunho laughs. “Yes, really.”
“Why not?”
“Because...you're Changmin. And I love Changmin, the one that's beautiful and clever and understands and supports me. Not Jae.”
“You've practiced this, haven't you?”
Yunho looks taken aback. “What exactly are you accusing me of now?”
“It just sounds very prepared, hyung.”
“Well you are right, I did practice that.” Yunho grins again and Changmin laughs.
“Jae's in the past,” Yunho says, “You are my present. Who knows what will happen in the future.”
“You might run off with Siwon.” Changmin suggests.
“He does look terribly good in that Poseidon uniform.” Yunho adds.
“Hyung! If you do that I'll run off with Kyu-”
“Don't you dare!”
“So you are jealous then.”
“Yes, you’re mine,” Yunho laughs, shaking his head, and kisses him.
**Chapter 8 - Sparkling Midnight** Back to Top
Christmas Day and it's ridiculously cold outside, a thin layer of snow on the ground, and Changmin is at home with his family. He's tired but he's happy, having finished dinner with his family, and knows it is a rare thing, which only makes it all the more special.
The house is quiet, everyone having headed to bed, and Changmin's having his evening mug of coffee before heading to bed.
Yunho insisted it be decaf at night.
Changmin finds the urge to call his hyung, and wonders if Yunho would have already turned in.
Right on queue, Changmin's cell rings, and Yunho's name flashes up on the screen.
“Hyung! I thought you might be asleep.”
“Changmin-ah, since when do we ever get the opportunity to sleep this early? I'm used to sleeping late now.”
“My family's turned in, I thought yours might too, and maybe you'd use this opportunity to sleep early, or something.”
“And sleep before wishing you a Happy Christmas? I thought you knew your hyung better than that.”
Changmin shrugs, knows Yunho can see it even though he can't. “You know a text would suffice, hyung.”
“I wanted to hear your voice. Have you had a good Christmas?”
“Yeah, it's great, hyung.”
“Really, I thought you'd at least put in some line about it being better if I was there,” Changmin could hear him smiling through the phone.
“No, no, it was great (without you here), hyung,” Changmin repeats, teasing, and Yunho laughs.
“Merry Christmas, Changmin-ah,” Yunho says.
“Merry Christmas, hyung.”
“Changmin?”
“Hmm?”
“It's past midnight, so - happy anniversary, too.”
“Oh, happy anniversary! I didn't even notice.”
“Any regrets?”
A pause. “Not really.”
“I'm glad.”
“Maybe that Intro song on TONE is a bit awkward and that monstrous outfit, but you know, not anything that really mattered, I think we did pretty well, considering.” Changmin adds, and Yunho chuckles.
“Why do I miss you when I've only seen you yesterday,” Yunho sighs.
“Because you're the wife, not me,” Changmin says without hesitation, and Yunho laughs again.
“Changmin?”
“Yeah?”
“You know I love you, right?”
“Yeah.” Changmin pauses. “Hyung?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you too, you know, right?”
“Yeah.” Yunho echoes Changmin and he can hear Yunho smiling over the phone.
“You'll only hear it once from me,” Changmin insists, but he smiles, too.
**END**