I think....
I think..... I think I'm alive. Maybe.
this is debateable.
I wonder why it is that I keep trying, at times, to distance myself from my past and those who love me?
It's not that I want to.
I feel terrible when I do.
but the cycle of guilt is reflexive..
and repeated...
it seems sometiems all I can do is say.. Hi. How are you? I'm sorry. I havn't spoken to you in ages. What's new? Me? Oh.. well *rambles at length about the novel's worth of events that have happened in the past 3 months/years that can either be skipped COMPLETLY and not mentioned, or MUST be explained at length* *light chitchat until someone needs to go. It was really great to see you again.. I"m sorry. Hopefully I'll see you soon. I"d like that.. I"m really trying not to hide anymore....
Next day, they say "hey!" and I hide under my rock.
Mayeb I worke d out all my social the previous day. maybe I don't know what to day. maybe I feel obligated to offer something. or pressured.
I don't knwo why this is.
I havn't picked up my phone in ages. dad said he was going to shut it off, though... because it wasn't being used. I was about to ask him to... he hasn't called me since then. I havn't called him..
I love him and adore him endlesssly.. but for some reason I have trouble reaching out.
this was part of my problem with Arsiei. I didn't reach enough and he was tire d of it. I don't want to talk about that.
Maybe my problem is that I am with someone who understands the want to hide and be antisocial.. hwo NEEDs to be at points... and i am content to jsut curl up with him and be. but at the same time...
bah. My broblem is that I am a bouncyloveeveryonewon'toubemyfriend wolf and a grumpyhideinmycave kitty all in the same body...
I love you. all of you. even you who aren't reading this. just remember that. Even if youv'e changed. even if other things have happened. If nothing, absolutly nothing else... I love you for the good times we haev had.
The sun's rising and I have a warm body to curl up with....
this is debateable.
I wonder why it is that I keep trying, at times, to distance myself from my past and those who love me?
It's not that I want to.
I feel terrible when I do.
but the cycle of guilt is reflexive..
and repeated...
it seems sometiems all I can do is say.. Hi. How are you? I'm sorry. I havn't spoken to you in ages. What's new? Me? Oh.. well *rambles at length about the novel's worth of events that have happened in the past 3 months/years that can either be skipped COMPLETLY and not mentioned, or MUST be explained at length* *light chitchat until someone needs to go. It was really great to see you again.. I"m sorry. Hopefully I'll see you soon. I"d like that.. I"m really trying not to hide anymore....
Next day, they say "hey!" and I hide under my rock.
Mayeb I worke d out all my social the previous day. maybe I don't know what to day. maybe I feel obligated to offer something. or pressured.
I don't knwo why this is.
I havn't picked up my phone in ages. dad said he was going to shut it off, though... because it wasn't being used. I was about to ask him to... he hasn't called me since then. I havn't called him..
I love him and adore him endlesssly.. but for some reason I have trouble reaching out.
this was part of my problem with Arsiei. I didn't reach enough and he was tire d of it. I don't want to talk about that.
Maybe my problem is that I am with someone who understands the want to hide and be antisocial.. hwo NEEDs to be at points... and i am content to jsut curl up with him and be. but at the same time...
bah. My broblem is that I am a bouncyloveeveryonewon'toubemyfriend wolf and a grumpyhideinmycave kitty all in the same body...
I love you. all of you. even you who aren't reading this. just remember that. Even if youv'e changed. even if other things have happened. If nothing, absolutly nothing else... I love you for the good times we haev had.
The sun's rising and I have a warm body to curl up with....