sigh another ranting
I feel like being brutally honest with myself right now for some reason. These past few months I just feel, I've been living a lie. As that poem in English goes I was "wearing the mask"... Its just that, I'm sick of denying things. I know I shouldn't do it and that it is an awful habit, but the more I say that the more I find myself doing it. Its just that, well, my life has thrown me some definite curve balls this year. I don't really know if I feel like going into it because somehow the listing of everything just makes it seem that much more overwhelming. It just sucks that the last two days I have literally come home and just cried. Cried. I just couldnt help it. Of course I convince myself that I am fine, and go on and do my homework, but that still doesn't change the fact that it happened. Yesterday, of frustration after having my essay that I slaved over for hours and hours thrashed, and even insulted as if I didn't know what I was doing when I wrote it. That deeply hurt. Today, just everything building up and the fact that I have to have massive surgery this summer to have my wisdom teeth pulled. Major pain and the like. Yea. And school and not getting enough sleep isn't exactly helping me out much. I'm just sick of it. I really wish I had someone to just hug me and say it was going to be all right, even though I know I probably wouldn't want to believe them. Actually, I know everything is fine and I'm just overreacting, but then why does it upset me so much? And you know, sitting there in the reception room hearing "oh christmas, merry christmas!, happy new year!" and the like doesn't really help! I'm sorry I love all of my friends and everyone around me and all, its just that Christmas, bugs me..... I know they always say that it is either the holiday of depression or of exuberant happiness and family appreciation. Maybe there is a reason why I have always enjoyed watching Charlie Brown's Christmas special every year.
The one thing I am glad of is that I have no boy troubles in my life at the moment. That would make everything so much worse. I just feel so stupid sometimes, because I feel that I use this livejournal as a way to vent, besides my poetry, which I should probably be writing right now considering I feel pretty crappy. I don't know. I suppose the thing that pisses me off most is the fact that whenever I feel like this I can't just go and take a nap and wait until it goes away. In a sense, I have to "wear the mask" and suck it up because I have homework to get done and tests to study for. It seems as if even if your own mother died people would just be like "well, you aren't dead, so you have to take this test, and if you fail....oh well...." You know? They instill these values in you- to be compassionate, considerate, happy, fair, but the world is exactly the opposite. So whats the point, really? The nice guy does usually seem to finish last. Something in me just keeps hoping that God wants me to uphold my own positive morals, no matter what the rest of the world does, but it is tempting and frustrating sometimes.
I just wonder where the world and the nation are headed. The economy sure isn't getting any better, that's all I know.
Alas, negativity is an awful, awful thing. I'm almost ashamed to start thinking negatively, because I know it only leads to bad things.
BUT
Even if it isn't my favorite holiday, Christmas will be upon us in 10 short days. And I'm going to the King Tut exhibit at the Museum of Art tomorrow. And tomorrow is our last day of school - one more day, one more day. I can do it. I can. I think I can.
The one thing I am glad of is that I have no boy troubles in my life at the moment. That would make everything so much worse. I just feel so stupid sometimes, because I feel that I use this livejournal as a way to vent, besides my poetry, which I should probably be writing right now considering I feel pretty crappy. I don't know. I suppose the thing that pisses me off most is the fact that whenever I feel like this I can't just go and take a nap and wait until it goes away. In a sense, I have to "wear the mask" and suck it up because I have homework to get done and tests to study for. It seems as if even if your own mother died people would just be like "well, you aren't dead, so you have to take this test, and if you fail....oh well...." You know? They instill these values in you- to be compassionate, considerate, happy, fair, but the world is exactly the opposite. So whats the point, really? The nice guy does usually seem to finish last. Something in me just keeps hoping that God wants me to uphold my own positive morals, no matter what the rest of the world does, but it is tempting and frustrating sometimes.
I just wonder where the world and the nation are headed. The economy sure isn't getting any better, that's all I know.
Alas, negativity is an awful, awful thing. I'm almost ashamed to start thinking negatively, because I know it only leads to bad things.
BUT
Even if it isn't my favorite holiday, Christmas will be upon us in 10 short days. And I'm going to the King Tut exhibit at the Museum of Art tomorrow. And tomorrow is our last day of school - one more day, one more day. I can do it. I can. I think I can.