perhaps a final entry, perhaps just the first of many
i'm not often compelled to write on this thing anymore, mostly because I'm so fucking reidiculously busy that i don't have a lot of time for reflection. however, this week is different. i'm in new york. none of my friends are here. i'm working like a robot and in my all too frequent free time i'm endlessly reflecting on things that i'd prefer never to think about again.
this city is really cold right now. 4 days ago, when my life was just fine and dandy, it was 70 degrees out. it seems unfair, that when i need distraction the most, all convenient distractions are lost in the cold.
i felt so truly and solidly and firmly on track. everything was going the way i wanted. the pace of my life was pure and constant progress. I was spending less and less time daydreaming about what I wish I was doing, what I wish I was able to do, and how I wish I could be, and more and more time DOING things that make me feel content and BEING a person I was proud to be.
and now in a matter of days it all feels shot to shit.
it isn't really shot to shit, you know... i mean i'll be back in that place in a week, when my new classes start and I get to see all my friends and get back into the action of new york. but right now i'm just sitting and staring at the tv, my computer, my window (New York really isn't a city for spectators) and my horrid horrid mirror that reflects my ugly swollen red eyes and all I can think is
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!
how did I let myself fall into this AGAIN?
before this... i hadn't really cried for like... 4 or 5 months!!!
i get overly proud sometimes of the fact that I 'overcame' my depression-- that I somehow managed to climb over the obstacle and kick my addiction to being so unshakably miserable, and turned out to be a happy, functional person.
But the truth is i'm still obviously fucked up. maybe its not depression but there's some unhealthy feeling that I am addicted to. I know it. cuz i do things that i don't want to do and i say things that i KNOW i don't want to say and i think things that i know don't make any sense and I feel things that are irrational. and it seems like the only time i ever let myself be extremely, obviously vulnerable is when i already know that i'm going to get hurt. and i pour all my energy in the direction of people who aren't even capable of feeling anything or even noticing.
my one saving grace is that i am grateful for this one shred of sanity: i want to change. a lot of people are fucked up and are too caught up in being fucked up and ruining everyone's day to try and figure out how to fix it. but i'm too tired of this tight knot in my stomach. i'm thoroughly exhausted. i put all my energy into a black hole, after all. and i'm going to start all over again, i guess.
NO MORE OF THIS TIRED BULL SHIT!!! IT'S ALL BEEN DONE AND I AM NOT CAPABLE OF BEING THE ONLY PERSON IN THE GAME WHO PLAYS BY THE RULES!!!!! I'M GONNA GET MY MUSIC OUT THERE!!!! I'M GONNA PAINT THIS CITY ALL SORTS OF COLORS!!!! I'M GONNA GO SOMEWHERE FAR FAR FUCKING FAAAAAAAAR AWAY THIS SUMMER!!!!! AND I'M GONNA STOP HOLDING BACK!!!
the funny thing is i never played any of my new music for you all in boston. you probably would've really liked it. and now there's no way that you'll ever hear it and that makes me a little sad. but i don't know. its a bittersweet kind of sadness... because it leaves us all with something we can always wonder about...
this city is really cold right now. 4 days ago, when my life was just fine and dandy, it was 70 degrees out. it seems unfair, that when i need distraction the most, all convenient distractions are lost in the cold.
i felt so truly and solidly and firmly on track. everything was going the way i wanted. the pace of my life was pure and constant progress. I was spending less and less time daydreaming about what I wish I was doing, what I wish I was able to do, and how I wish I could be, and more and more time DOING things that make me feel content and BEING a person I was proud to be.
and now in a matter of days it all feels shot to shit.
it isn't really shot to shit, you know... i mean i'll be back in that place in a week, when my new classes start and I get to see all my friends and get back into the action of new york. but right now i'm just sitting and staring at the tv, my computer, my window (New York really isn't a city for spectators) and my horrid horrid mirror that reflects my ugly swollen red eyes and all I can think is
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!
how did I let myself fall into this AGAIN?
before this... i hadn't really cried for like... 4 or 5 months!!!
i get overly proud sometimes of the fact that I 'overcame' my depression-- that I somehow managed to climb over the obstacle and kick my addiction to being so unshakably miserable, and turned out to be a happy, functional person.
But the truth is i'm still obviously fucked up. maybe its not depression but there's some unhealthy feeling that I am addicted to. I know it. cuz i do things that i don't want to do and i say things that i KNOW i don't want to say and i think things that i know don't make any sense and I feel things that are irrational. and it seems like the only time i ever let myself be extremely, obviously vulnerable is when i already know that i'm going to get hurt. and i pour all my energy in the direction of people who aren't even capable of feeling anything or even noticing.
my one saving grace is that i am grateful for this one shred of sanity: i want to change. a lot of people are fucked up and are too caught up in being fucked up and ruining everyone's day to try and figure out how to fix it. but i'm too tired of this tight knot in my stomach. i'm thoroughly exhausted. i put all my energy into a black hole, after all. and i'm going to start all over again, i guess.
NO MORE OF THIS TIRED BULL SHIT!!! IT'S ALL BEEN DONE AND I AM NOT CAPABLE OF BEING THE ONLY PERSON IN THE GAME WHO PLAYS BY THE RULES!!!!! I'M GONNA GET MY MUSIC OUT THERE!!!! I'M GONNA PAINT THIS CITY ALL SORTS OF COLORS!!!! I'M GONNA GO SOMEWHERE FAR FAR FUCKING FAAAAAAAAR AWAY THIS SUMMER!!!!! AND I'M GONNA STOP HOLDING BACK!!!
the funny thing is i never played any of my new music for you all in boston. you probably would've really liked it. and now there's no way that you'll ever hear it and that makes me a little sad. but i don't know. its a bittersweet kind of sadness... because it leaves us all with something we can always wonder about...