too much to handle
my mother told me this morning that tera, one of my friends from when I was younger, died two days ago.
THIS IS SO FUCKING MESSED UP.
She lived next door to me almost my whole life. She and I and her sister were best friends for at least 10 years. She had problems with these tumors in her leg most of her life, but I never thought the problem was potentially fatal.
I haven't spoken to her in over 3 years because her sister got mad at me once and pulled a really ridiculous prank where she sent me anonymous emails threatening to kill me. it was weird. But since then I never really talked to either of them much, and then they moved away.
I had their number. But I guess we were in a stalemate. I wasn't about to call them until connie called first and said she was sorry.
but I was too fucking proud. and now she's gone. and I feel retarded.
my life couldn't have more profoundly fucked up timing. cuz I can't deal with this right now. it's way too much.
cuz I keep thinking about these relationships I've had and people that I've loved-as friends and more- and we "broke up" over some stupid nothing issue that ended up becoming huge just because we were both in an irritated mood and then
years later
we don't talk anymore. because we're all too proud to call someone up and just say
"hey I miss you. Can we pretend none of that bull shit ever happened? I didn't mean it. it got out of hand."
fuck pride.
fuck this.
I can't believe this happened and I never fucking called her.
she was like the greatest friend to me. and she had so much faith in me. And she never ever did anything wrong by me. never.
the funeral is on friday and my mother doesn't want me to go, because A she has no money to send me (it would be in conn. so I'd have to take a bus or a taxi or a train) and B she thinks it's too much for me to deal with right now.
and she's kind of right. due to certain circumstances, it's overwhelming. but I want to go.
I just think it's stupid that I don't learn from things like this. Cuz of all the people I've loved, I've let alot of them just drift away. for really really STUPID ass reasons. And I miss them. all of them. and I am tired of pride, and decorum, and restraint and censorship and insecurity and procrastination and alcohol and distractions
and all the other things that hold people back from saying
"hey... i wanna be friends again."
I wish I'd called her. she was such a great fucking person. we saw each other at least once a week (but more like every day) until I was 14. and we wrote plays together and started clubs together
and spied on our neighbors
and made up stupid dances and songs
and went trick or treating in awesome costumes
and had sleepovers
and rode our bikes back and forth and back and forth on cranston street
god this is SUCH BULL SHIT AND I AM SO ANGRY AT THE WORLD
if you miss someone, get off your fucking high horse and forget about your pride and tell them you miss them. otherwise you'll end up feeling like me. and I feel like shit.
THIS IS SO FUCKING MESSED UP.
She lived next door to me almost my whole life. She and I and her sister were best friends for at least 10 years. She had problems with these tumors in her leg most of her life, but I never thought the problem was potentially fatal.
I haven't spoken to her in over 3 years because her sister got mad at me once and pulled a really ridiculous prank where she sent me anonymous emails threatening to kill me. it was weird. But since then I never really talked to either of them much, and then they moved away.
I had their number. But I guess we were in a stalemate. I wasn't about to call them until connie called first and said she was sorry.
but I was too fucking proud. and now she's gone. and I feel retarded.
my life couldn't have more profoundly fucked up timing. cuz I can't deal with this right now. it's way too much.
cuz I keep thinking about these relationships I've had and people that I've loved-as friends and more- and we "broke up" over some stupid nothing issue that ended up becoming huge just because we were both in an irritated mood and then
years later
we don't talk anymore. because we're all too proud to call someone up and just say
"hey I miss you. Can we pretend none of that bull shit ever happened? I didn't mean it. it got out of hand."
fuck pride.
fuck this.
I can't believe this happened and I never fucking called her.
she was like the greatest friend to me. and she had so much faith in me. And she never ever did anything wrong by me. never.
the funeral is on friday and my mother doesn't want me to go, because A she has no money to send me (it would be in conn. so I'd have to take a bus or a taxi or a train) and B she thinks it's too much for me to deal with right now.
and she's kind of right. due to certain circumstances, it's overwhelming. but I want to go.
I just think it's stupid that I don't learn from things like this. Cuz of all the people I've loved, I've let alot of them just drift away. for really really STUPID ass reasons. And I miss them. all of them. and I am tired of pride, and decorum, and restraint and censorship and insecurity and procrastination and alcohol and distractions
and all the other things that hold people back from saying
"hey... i wanna be friends again."
I wish I'd called her. she was such a great fucking person. we saw each other at least once a week (but more like every day) until I was 14. and we wrote plays together and started clubs together
and spied on our neighbors
and made up stupid dances and songs
and went trick or treating in awesome costumes
and had sleepovers
and rode our bikes back and forth and back and forth on cranston street
god this is SUCH BULL SHIT AND I AM SO ANGRY AT THE WORLD
if you miss someone, get off your fucking high horse and forget about your pride and tell them you miss them. otherwise you'll end up feeling like me. and I feel like shit.