(no subject)
Today, I was in the car, and I was thinking. I was thinking about disease. Famine. Terrorism. Floods and hurricanes. Selfish, malicious, horrible people. And then I started to day dream. I was day dreamingof some stupid teenage girl, who's on her cell phone and not paying attention, driving a sports car daddy bought her, weaving in and out of lanes without signaling. I was day dreaming, and I was wishing at the same time, that she would rear end me sitting at a light. I was hoping she would dent my bumper immensely. I was hoping it would jerk my neck forward and give me neck pain for a month. All so I could get out of the car, approach her frozen body, and tear/mascara drenched face. Just so I could look into her eyes, reach in the car..... and wipe her tears from her face. Just so I could tell her "It's okay, my bumper is already dented enough just as the rest of my car. You need to learn to be more careful. Be more respectful for those around you. Be considerate. Drive safely. Don't be in such a hurry. You're putting people in danger, you know. Please take care of yourself, and be on your way. I don't want you to be burdened with police reports, insurance issues and more bills." And I was wishing that the girl would never see me again for the rest of her life. So that she would never have a chance to thank me. To give me credit. To tell people my name and who I was. I just want to be like an angel. So that she would grow up, and remember that incident. So she would be reminded what love is. Sometimes I wish that I could take a bullet for someone. Or lose a limb, or maybe lose one of my senses, to protect someone. To make it so that could keep on living. Because there is so much hate in this world. So much ugliness. This world is shit. Seriously, it's literally shit. It's hell, and I fucking hate it. It hurts so much. We all make mistakes, and I make mistakes, and I hurt people. I really do hurt people. And I am sorry, and I never mean to, and I don't not care about people. I don't ever do anything to hurt anyone. I don't ever continue on in my life knowing something I am doing is really inhibiting someone from prospering in some way, and not lose sleep over it. I am not like the patriotic, racist bigots, who hate people for their culture and their skin color. I am not like the capitalist organizations, the big corporations, who will do ANYTING, whether it be lie, steal, whatever, to sell a product and gain wealth for themselves. I am not perfect. I am not even close. I am fucking flawed. But I love. I really do. And the lack of love I see in this world brings me to tears. As I was driving home today from Guitar Center, I was remembering the other day when a guy almost ran me off the road, cutting me and several people off, without signaling, in stop-go traffic. I flicked him off. Yes, not the most loving thing I could do. He continued to slam on his breaks, cuss at me from his pick-up truck window, almost causing me to run into him. Putting other people in danger, making them swerve. I think of things like that, that people do, and I just fucking lose it. Why did it have to come to this? I want to make a difference. I want to make the world a better place. I can't donate thousands of dollars to charity. I can't give speeches. Those aren't my callings. Maybe my calling is art. Maybe it's music. I don't know. I haven't quite figured it out. Every time I seem to be on my way to successfully do those things, I run out of money. Or my fucking something critical happens in my life. Or I need to focus more on school. Or my insurance company fucks me around to where, because they were extremely unclear and didn't share to me the WHOLE truth (only some of it), I end up having to pay $531 extra dollars on my bill as well as get my insurance cut off until I pay it. As cheesy as this sounds, and as cliche as the saying is, LIFE IS HARD. Don't you tell me how much worse people have it. Don't you dare shove in my face that children in third-world countries are suffering, starving, and not getting an education. No shit. That's half of the reason I hurt so much these days. I just want to turn this churning pain in my heart into something positive. I spend so much time being sad, being angry, being increasingly bitter. And what do I get in return? Satisfaction in myself along with a thousand reasons why I should kill myself. But I'm not going to. Somehow, something is managing to keep me moving.