(no subject)
Seriously, i dont know why i bother writing in this thing when my fanbase consists of only myself. But here goes...
I am so stressed out. With work, bills, car payments, and school i barely have time to breathe. I knew that this semester was gonna be the worse but for some reason i am so unprepared. Maybe this could be some sort of a threshold which will end up making me more into a so-called adult. I dont know, maybe i just complain too much?
I have been drumming every single day and each time i finish practicing, i feel like ive gotten 10 times better. Maybe its because im having fun with it again and not lookin at it so much as a job but a recreational activity i can do to blow off steam. I would like to find people to play with but i havent the time to start a band yet. Too much work. And its funny, but for once im putting school before music, isnt that amazing?
My moms been in louisianna helpin out with everything. She will be back in 2 weeks so everynight wont be pizza night anymore. Ive never seen so many Digiornio boxes in a trash can before..I feel like im workin at ledos again because i constantly smell pepporoni. I really miss that woman, its sad to say but ive gotten used to her not being around. So many people have come and gone in my life, and now it feels like shes just another notch on the wall..but i know shes not.
I've seriously questioned and doubted my own perception and understanding of true love. Trust, direction, self-control... all of these things are hurling themselves around in a hurricane in my life and around the people I know. Lately I've become to much less to some people. I've become so much more to others. I've been so afraid. I've been so sure. I've been at the bottom of my rope. I've been below my rope. I've never quite been at the top, but I've been able to see it. The light has blinded me. The darkness has overcome me. It's like my entire life has been replayed from beginning to end in a matter of 30 some days. I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO. On myself. I am so tied up, so overborn with things that I can't handle myself. I've got lists of goals. I've got lists of things I've ruined. I've got lists of people I need to embrace and people I need to avoid... people that used to be the opposite in my life as they should be now. I'm just... my head is spinning. I juggle hope and hopelessness too often. I go back and forth. I think this shit isn't worth it. Then I think I can get through it. I thought about dying. I thought about how much better this world would be without me here messing things up. I thought about how I was tired of caring about myself in the amount of care that I have left in me. I thought about how I was tired of having morals (even the ones I hypocritically go against) and that I should just do whatever I want. Wouldn't that make me happier? I thought about giving up everything and moving across the country. To some place like Portland. We all know how unrealistic that is. I can't leave. I need to be here. I have so much for me here. I take it for granted entirely too much. I am so lonely because I choose to keep so much inside. I'm not even that afraid to be hurt. I'm not that afraid that someone will betray my trust. I don't know what so many things are about inside me... I've learned so much, but I still need to learn so much more. I have so much to do. So much work to do. On myself. I don't care if no one believes me. The truth always comes out. It always finds you out. I am the world's biggest example.