Confessions of an Idol [3/4]
Title: Confessions of an Idol [3/4]
Author: undying_desire
Pairing: GTOP Seunghyun/Jiyong
Rating: PG-13
Genre: epistolary
Summary: This is a letter from Kwon Jiyong to the G-TOP community on LiveJournal. The contents of this letter, and all letters that will follow, are to remain within this community.
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Dear community,
Despite having a way with words, I find myself with an utter lack of anything to say that sounds right. I have no way of describing what happened last night. I'm sober now. I almost want to swear that I will never drink again after what I did, but I'd likely quickly break that oath.
I went to his villa. I'm not even certain what possessed me to do that. Choi Seunghyun is like a magnet and I find myself with the opposite charge. I am drawn to him and it takes every fiber of my being to keep a friendly foot between us. But on that Thursday night, my resolve shattered. That foot had become a mountain between us and I wanted it leveled. I didn't even want air to be able to fit between us.
I must have been mad. Completely and utterly out of my mind, because as soon as he opened that door I was wrapped around him. Not in a sense of desire but of desperation. I felt as broken as my resolve and I know he could feel it too. Seunghyun held me close, an act of comfort, but it only made my heart ache.
You were right. I was still lying to myself, to her, to him.
Then it started. I was drunk and I was babbling off without giving a thought to my words. I started with confessing I had a girlfriend. Yes, not even my friends knew. "I can't love her, I try and I try, but I can't." I must have repeated that a hundred times as he drew circles on my back. We hadn't moved from the hyeongwan* Then he said it, "you can't decide who you love, or don't love." A simple wording but he said it in such a way that made me feel like he knew exactly how I was feeling. That was all I needed.
It left my lips before I could stop it. A question of pure innocence asked in a tone that even in my drunken state I could tell was laced with fear. "What if the one I love is you?"
He said nothing, but I could hear his heart. A pitter patter in his chest that comes when receiving a confession. That blissful feeling of knowing someone cares about you enough to want to love you. I couldn't let him relish in the feeling for long. I was terrified of the silence.
"I'm terrified of these feelings, hyung," I said with tears running down my cheeks.
He didn't let go. If anything I was brought closer to his warm chest. My shoulders were shaking and I was practically gasping for air between sobs. I was lucky to hear him, that bass voice speaking calmly into my ear. He told me he loved me. He had nothing but love for me. He told me I was the most important person in his life. Then came the but. "But," he said, "I'm sorry I can't return the love you feel for me."
I wanted to push away, feeling pity for my drunken mind, but Seunghyun wouldn't let me go. His strong arms stayed around me and suddenly I felt a wave of peace hit me. This could have gone so many ways. There were worse scenarios than just rejection. He could have hated me. He could have been disgusted by me. He could have left me standing here alone. But he didn't. He knows I am terrified of being alone. So he continued holding me, not even the least bit awkwardly. He held me and let me continue soaking his suit with my tears. There was no air between us.
"I love you, Jiyong. I truly do." Those words still echo in my thoughts.
I had gently removed myself from him when my tears subsided. I looked at him, a long hard look, and I couldn't help but smile.
"Thank you," I said to him because it was the only thing I could think to say.
I'm almost certain I feel asleep on his couch that night. I woke up on his bed. I woke up to the smell of eggs**. The weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders. I sat there thinking that this was how life would be in my fairytale.
I'm not sure how it happened. How I went from feeling completely drained to being so alive. Have you ever felt that? One morning you just wake up, take in a breath of air, and think "everything I have done until now has led me to this point and I am happy to be here." Despite all the shortcomings, I wouldn't change a thing.
I know just what I'm going to do now. It's partially thanks to you. Thank you. I'll be sure to write you one last letter once I have time to think things over. For now, I have a best friend calling me to eggs that will warm my insides and I intend to savor them both.
Sincerely,
Kwon Jiyong
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*현관 The area where you remove your shoes. I wasn't certain how to translate the phrase into English. ^.^"
**계란 토스트 The smell was actually egg toast but I'm not sure how familiar readers would be with the dish.