Oct 01, 2004 02:48
so im pretty sure noone reads this anymore, wich is good because it makes me want to write in it constantly. My friends page has 2 posts on it wich is a start but I think eventualy if i work hard at it I can get it down to nothing. Maybe if I could sleep I wouldnt be writing in here but i fucking cant so here i am talking about nothing. Surprisingly Ive reached a point where i can only think of stuff that hurts me. I looked at some porn and I felt sick,this is not good damit. did you ever look in the mirror and see someone so ugly that all you could think is how bad you wanted to shave your face die your hair throw on a little make up and fucking be someone else. Is that what girls do? hide behind make up so noone can see how ugly they think they are. probably not since girls are fucking beautifull. At home at night i can only find ways of making myself miserable like im in a trance i blindly feed this shit into myself tell i finaly crack. Hmm leme think I get no sleep then next night take sleeping pills and get fake drug sleep after that I repeat the process Im on day five now but i think i cant possibly keep up this pase I should crack if you consider a human can only go a set amount of nights without real sleep I figure my mind will reset back to normal mode and i get on with my life. Im thinking this because even my own masochistic attempts at finding stuff to make me miserable have failed. Its like a drug and I need my fix but I cant. Although if I dont sleep this off tonight with naturaul sleep ill probably be so mental tomorow im bound to cause some sorta horrible masochistic conflict between me and angel wich will boost me back up on the misery fix and throw them awesome amount of endorphines through my system for atleast one last rush before I would truly destroy any possible interaction between me and angel. She would hate me. The way i work though is no matter how shity I feel if i can get a good 10-12 hours solid sleep i wake up feeling so refreshed and typicaly work out any problem inside. whats the point. as I look through me and angels journal i see this same pattern repeated between us over and fucking over as far back as yuou can look through this stupid thing. we swich roles ocasionaly but the pattern is there. unless we destroy all contact with each other what so ever this cycle will not end. Since at the moment I am on the rejectee side I would prefer the oppisite and have us accept the fact that we love each other and just stay together. but as the pattern has shown for the past nearly 4 years no matter how many times we brake up and try to be "just friends" one of us will always want to be together with the other. Since the first day we hung out together to the last day we hung out together(yesterday) we have always had one (usualy both) of us needing the other. im afraid it is simply imposible for us to be friends. i cant even count how many times weve cheated on each other its realy quite insane. Lies have also been an important factor in our relationship. I would have to say me and angel have attempted to throw every possible destructive element at each other and responded every single time with love. creepy. I cant even believe that the last time we were seperated I was the one saying we should be friends. Fuck I was so stupid It was awfull. I had night after night of phone calls from angel listening to her cry and beg me to get back together with her and i kept saying i couldnt and that i wanted her to be my best friend. obviously i changed my mind like im sitting there at ians house and it just clicked in my brain I want to be with angel. i guese if I hadnt come to my senses and asked her to get back together with me then most likely i wouldnt be dealing with this rightnow. no i know why i got back with her, hearing how much she wanted to be with me overwhelmed any fear i had.... Fears confirmed now..... So now its back to me on the unhappy end months later. Maybe our troubles are seasonal. What interests me the most is how our feelings get stronger through every cycle. I remember the last time she left me to see someone else I thought i would kill myself but then the pain inside wasnt even a tenth of what i feel now shit its so strong now i feel fucking addicted to it. This theory aplied to her means she wants to see someone else even more then she ever did before, hmmm yes i believe this to be true and to explain alot. also this matches up with the increase in her reaction to being rejected by me last time in comparison to the time before that. Yes this confirms everything, there is no chance what so ever that we can be friends all atempts at being friends will only result in misery then mental breakdown and death for whoever is on the rejected side. fuck weve taken this relationship way to far we only have two possibilities left now, cut all ties wich include in person, on the phone, and over the internet. Even this journal would have to go. Forget about each other and move on with our lives. Or choice 2 except each others love and move in together and have someone to cuddle with everynight before we go to sleep. i would even have to go out and have fun with her in holywood wich ironicaly would be going back to the way I was before we where together. Well I believ with everything inside of me that a choice must be made and I will not be able to sleep until that happens.