:-)
I haven't written in here in a long time, although that's not for lack of wanting too. A million times I've almost come to this thing to talk about the circles going on inside my head, but each time decided against it for fear of solidifying my thoughts by putting them down in words. So why am I choosing to write in here now then one might ask? I don't know. I think it's because i'm not afraid of solidifying those thoughts anymore because tonight many of my fears were put to rest.
To catch you up to speed my time here so far has been an emotional roller coaster, with more lows that high to be quite honest. I don't particularly care for Muncie, and other than a scarce few, the people i've gotten to give me the time of day have given me little more than just that. I'm not a freshman, despite being new and in several of their classes, so I don't live with them in the dorms, and I'm I haven't been here for 3 years to "grow up" with the kids my age. They have their friends, and as far as I can tell don't seem to be looking for too many more. It's been hard. I'm not used to not making friends quickly. I'm not used to so much silence and so many unnamed faces. Then to further that difficulty, I've had confidence issues. It's been a constant battle within myself to not believe that these people are more talented than I am. The calibar of talent that I've seen here is beyond anything I've ever been thrown in with before and it's been an adjustment. It's STILL an adjustment. Even the kids that aren't that great, talk like they are, and i'll be the first to admit, it's intimidating. And for a while I started to think that I had gotten myself in over my head. Maybe this wasn't even what I wanted to do. I've already sacrificed a lot to be where I am, and I can only imagine I've scratched the surface of what will ultimately have to be given up. Was it really worth it? I started thinking about other career options. I knew I love theatre and didn't want to leave it but what other aspect of it might I be interested in? I couldn't come up with anything.
Anyway, tonight I saw a show that reminded me why I'm doing this. Three times I got goosebumps that chilled my entire body. Not the kind of "oh that's fun" goosebumps, but the ones that shake your spirit. I have been given incredible gifts, and maybe they are, or maybe they aren't as good as the person to my left or right. That's not what I'm here for right now though. I'm here to talk about me. To worry about me. To work on me. And if there's one thing I do know and am confident in, it's my work ethic. I don't know anyone who can work harder than me, because I won't let anyone work harder than me. At some point there will come that time for evaluation and comparison because yes, in the real world I will be compared to the guys on either side of me, but that time isn't now. Now, i'm working, and I need to work really, really hard. Some people have state of the art machinery to make their world-ready product in just a few minutes. Me, I've got a toolbelt and two perfectly capable hands and feet. It's up to me what to do with them, and if I want it bad enough, I can make something just as beautiful as that big ole machine.
To catch you up to speed my time here so far has been an emotional roller coaster, with more lows that high to be quite honest. I don't particularly care for Muncie, and other than a scarce few, the people i've gotten to give me the time of day have given me little more than just that. I'm not a freshman, despite being new and in several of their classes, so I don't live with them in the dorms, and I'm I haven't been here for 3 years to "grow up" with the kids my age. They have their friends, and as far as I can tell don't seem to be looking for too many more. It's been hard. I'm not used to not making friends quickly. I'm not used to so much silence and so many unnamed faces. Then to further that difficulty, I've had confidence issues. It's been a constant battle within myself to not believe that these people are more talented than I am. The calibar of talent that I've seen here is beyond anything I've ever been thrown in with before and it's been an adjustment. It's STILL an adjustment. Even the kids that aren't that great, talk like they are, and i'll be the first to admit, it's intimidating. And for a while I started to think that I had gotten myself in over my head. Maybe this wasn't even what I wanted to do. I've already sacrificed a lot to be where I am, and I can only imagine I've scratched the surface of what will ultimately have to be given up. Was it really worth it? I started thinking about other career options. I knew I love theatre and didn't want to leave it but what other aspect of it might I be interested in? I couldn't come up with anything.
Anyway, tonight I saw a show that reminded me why I'm doing this. Three times I got goosebumps that chilled my entire body. Not the kind of "oh that's fun" goosebumps, but the ones that shake your spirit. I have been given incredible gifts, and maybe they are, or maybe they aren't as good as the person to my left or right. That's not what I'm here for right now though. I'm here to talk about me. To worry about me. To work on me. And if there's one thing I do know and am confident in, it's my work ethic. I don't know anyone who can work harder than me, because I won't let anyone work harder than me. At some point there will come that time for evaluation and comparison because yes, in the real world I will be compared to the guys on either side of me, but that time isn't now. Now, i'm working, and I need to work really, really hard. Some people have state of the art machinery to make their world-ready product in just a few minutes. Me, I've got a toolbelt and two perfectly capable hands and feet. It's up to me what to do with them, and if I want it bad enough, I can make something just as beautiful as that big ole machine.