almost a year...
all right, i am a terrible journal-er. it has been almost a year since my last update and even before that i wasn't writing much. and when i was writing, man it was depressing. unfortunately, to update on the last year, there is a little more depression. of course, then there's the light at the end of the tunnel. so let's just power through. let's see, i guess we'll go by month...
NOVEMBER
the silence with quinton continued. the friends with benefits continued. linzi's granpa passed away a week before her birthday, which was really hard for her. but we went ahead with the plan to go to a cabin in broken bow for her birthday and wound up having a lot of fun so that was good. then we won the kickball championship so that was awesome too!
DECEMBER
the silence with quinton continued. the friends with benefits continued. amy and i went to a My Morning Jacket concert in Tulsa. we had our first WHHS alumni choir concert. we had the annual ugly Christmas sweater party, but i was so sick i wound up leaving about 20 minutes into it. that sucked. then we had an absolutely amazing new year's eve party at branson and jessie's house.
JANUARY
the silence with quinton continued. the friends with benefits continued. amy and i went to a Civil Wars concert in Tulsa. i had my first hangover-which sucked-but the night before we found an awesome little karaoke bar named By George so it was totally worth it. wayne and i went to see craig ferguson at windstar and that was the last time i saw him.
FEBRUARY
i finally saw quinton, though i can't remember how it actually happened. we talked for a bit at a park. it was awkward and comfortable at the same time--like most of our relationship was toward the end. amy and i did the Runderground for the first time and it was a blast. then we went to see Matt Nathanson in Tulsa. he's incredible! we had our first leap day dinner. i got to see zach play at whiskey chicks. gram's turned 82.
MARCH
i saw quinton a few more times. i told him i couldn't make him happy (which he already knew) but he kept pushing. i finally had to resume the silence. it sucked, but it was painfully necessary. he did not take it well, but hopefully he is doing well. i worry about him. then there was dinner with pursey, the dash down greenville and a trip to IKEA, batter day, and a Young the Giant concert with Amy in Tulsa (yes, we spent a lot of time in Tulsa). oh, and of course i got fiona. that was a mess. i was on pursey's facebook page, saw a comment peter left and found out that peter had a girlfriend. which i knew would happen eventually. i mean, i hadn't talked to him in over a year, and he obviously didn't want me, but it still hurt. so i went to Mini and i traded in Zoe. i just couldn't deal with the memories she brought any more. which is silly, i know. she was just a car. but i had to have a fresh start. so i bought Fiona. better gas mileage, lower payment, lower insurance... you know, more responsible. which was the excuse i gave to everyone, but it wasn't the real reason. i just had to start new. and boy i'm glad i did.
APRIL
my baby brother turned 27, amy and i got to be on the radio, we worked our butts off for Biting the Apple and it was spectacular, josh was suspended from the practice of law, i ran a half marathon with amy and akins, we attended the norman music festival, and we threw a party for luke. aaaannnndddd... then there was ryan.
so, here's the story of ryan ballantine:
ryan was a facebook friend of donnie's who lived in dallas. a HOT friend. he made smart ass comments on donnie's page periodically which always made me laugh. so on may 8, 2009, i finally sent the hot guy a friend request. and for some crazy reason he not only accepted me, he also started chatting with me. i honestly don't remember how things proceeded from there. we chatted via facebook a lot. we even texted and talked on the phone a bit. in july of 2010 i got to meet him in person. every time i came to texas, we talked about meeting up, but we never actually did until i was with the girls at corner bar right down the street from his house. he showed up, we hung out for a bit and then he was hooked. well, not really, but he did come play with us at the pool the next day. and he did kiss me. :)
and then we went back to our random texts and chats for the next year and a half. we tried to see each other again multiple times, but it didn't happen until st. patrick's day of this year at the parade. and even then, it was brief. fortunately, we got another shot on april 20th, just barely. ryan had to come to okc to work a convention, and of course he's there the week i am sick. i was supposed to see him wednesday or thursday, but i was too sick to leave my house. friday he finally got tired of my "excuses" as he called them and told me that he was going to see me whether i liked it or not. so i did. i saw him friday and saturday and sunday. i spent every moment possible with him, and learned everything about him, which wasn't really hard considering we were pretty much the same person. amy and i always joked about being soulmates. she's the yin to my yang. we make the perfect woman. her weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa. but with ryan, it's different. he is me. not an extension of me or an addition to me, but he's me. a living, breathing piece of me.
he had to go back to texas on sunday morning. he was riding with co-workers or i may not have let him go. when i dropped him off at the hotel that morning, neither of us wanted to say goodbye. and as soon as he walked away, i knew i was in trouble. because bradley, quinton, peter... none of them were this. i don't even know how to put it into words. bradley was my first love. he showed me what the word love meant. quinton was... well, he was quinton. he was supposed to be in my life as something other than a lover, but i messed it up. peter was a wake up call to stop settling. he was the type of man i thought i was supposed to be looking for. so i did. i looked for an intelligent, funny, attractive, driven man. and there are a lot of those. of course, most of them aren't single and the ones who are have remained single because of some sort of emotional deficiency, but that's not the point. the point is i looked for something like peter until i realized that i didn't need him. or anyone else. as much as i wanted to be with peter, i was happy at home by myself. i did what i wanted, when i wanted. it was fantastic. yes, having someone to love would be nice. as we all know, love is somewhat of a drug for me, but i could be content without it. and for a month, i was. things weren't perfect. and some days sucked. but overall i was happy.
so, imagine my surprise when i'm watching a man i've only spent two days with walking away and it hurts so much i can't breathe. i cried all the way home. in fact, i think i have cried a little bit each day since then. not because i'm sad. but because i'm so stupidly, blindingly, happy that i can't help myself. and to be quite honest, i kind of hate myself. but it isn't something i can change. i'm that ridiculous girly girl who is crazy emotional for no good reason other than the fact that i finally understand what love means.
anyway, on to MAY
i saw ryan every possible moment. he met my family on mother's day. and proposed at 4am the next morning because he could "not go one more day" without me being his bride. we ran the Dirty 30 and the McNellie's Pub Run. josh told me that he was shutting down the office and that i wouldn't have a job anymore. amy and i went to seattle for sasquatch. ryan and i decided that we would make our home in texas since i no longer had a job. ryan found us an apartment. i met some of ryan's friends. i got an oklahoma tattoo on my arm--sooner born.
JUNE
jobless. my dad turned 64. my mom went on her alaskan cruise. ryan and i planned our small wedding, only after we discovered that the courts in oklahoma no longer do civil ceremonies. i got to meet ryan's family. i had my first bachelorette party. we ran the Hillbilly 5k. we got married. i went one day without seeing my husband when i went back to oklahoma early to turn in our marriage license and it was miserable. i had a garage sale and sold/gave away everything that couldn't come to texas with me, and then moved my entire life the next day. drove to oklahoma alone one more time to change my name and drove back at 3am so i wouldn't spend another night without my husband. i interviewed with a staffing agency in texas.
JULY
still jobless. ryan and i worked an event for his company in miami. i did a boudoir shoot with linzi, amy and jessie and had a blast. my grams had surgery on her jaw. they removed a piece of it because they were concerned it was cancerous. which it was. after the doctors scared the crap out of my mom and granma, they then told her they could do radiation instead of removing part of her face.
AUGUST
still jobless. i turned 30 and got to spend the day with my family. we house sat for one of ryan's friends and almost went insane watching their teenage daughters. i interviewed with ryan's company and got really excited about the possibility of working with him. they started doing radiation on my grams.
obviously, that's the very abridged version, but it's better than nothing. i'll try more details now that we're here...
SEPTEMBER
we had a wonderful labor day weekend. i got spoiled spending 3 days with my husband. i was thrilled beyond measure. until about 30 minutes after ryan left and i got an email from his company telling me they are going to hire someone with more specific experience. ryan and i really thought this job was in the bag. i should have known it wouldn't be that easy. i already have more than i could have ever asked for. more than i ever knew to ask for. i met the man of my dreams, who also turned out to be my very best friend and the love of my life. i have amazing friends and family, who love me and put up with my spur of the moment decisions, whether they agree with them or not, and then drive 3 hours just to see me. i am blessed beyond measure. i know i am. but man i need to find a job. i'm going insane without one. i need something to do, and more importantly i need income. ryan is wonderful and is more than happy to support me, but i LOATHE being supported. i've already had to borrow money to pay my bills and that alone is eating me up. having to borrow money from him will kill me.
anyway, i'm going to take a bath and try to entertain myself. and i'll try to keep up with this better. well, hopefully i'll get a job and won't have time.
NOVEMBER
the silence with quinton continued. the friends with benefits continued. linzi's granpa passed away a week before her birthday, which was really hard for her. but we went ahead with the plan to go to a cabin in broken bow for her birthday and wound up having a lot of fun so that was good. then we won the kickball championship so that was awesome too!
DECEMBER
the silence with quinton continued. the friends with benefits continued. amy and i went to a My Morning Jacket concert in Tulsa. we had our first WHHS alumni choir concert. we had the annual ugly Christmas sweater party, but i was so sick i wound up leaving about 20 minutes into it. that sucked. then we had an absolutely amazing new year's eve party at branson and jessie's house.
JANUARY
the silence with quinton continued. the friends with benefits continued. amy and i went to a Civil Wars concert in Tulsa. i had my first hangover-which sucked-but the night before we found an awesome little karaoke bar named By George so it was totally worth it. wayne and i went to see craig ferguson at windstar and that was the last time i saw him.
FEBRUARY
i finally saw quinton, though i can't remember how it actually happened. we talked for a bit at a park. it was awkward and comfortable at the same time--like most of our relationship was toward the end. amy and i did the Runderground for the first time and it was a blast. then we went to see Matt Nathanson in Tulsa. he's incredible! we had our first leap day dinner. i got to see zach play at whiskey chicks. gram's turned 82.
MARCH
i saw quinton a few more times. i told him i couldn't make him happy (which he already knew) but he kept pushing. i finally had to resume the silence. it sucked, but it was painfully necessary. he did not take it well, but hopefully he is doing well. i worry about him. then there was dinner with pursey, the dash down greenville and a trip to IKEA, batter day, and a Young the Giant concert with Amy in Tulsa (yes, we spent a lot of time in Tulsa). oh, and of course i got fiona. that was a mess. i was on pursey's facebook page, saw a comment peter left and found out that peter had a girlfriend. which i knew would happen eventually. i mean, i hadn't talked to him in over a year, and he obviously didn't want me, but it still hurt. so i went to Mini and i traded in Zoe. i just couldn't deal with the memories she brought any more. which is silly, i know. she was just a car. but i had to have a fresh start. so i bought Fiona. better gas mileage, lower payment, lower insurance... you know, more responsible. which was the excuse i gave to everyone, but it wasn't the real reason. i just had to start new. and boy i'm glad i did.
APRIL
my baby brother turned 27, amy and i got to be on the radio, we worked our butts off for Biting the Apple and it was spectacular, josh was suspended from the practice of law, i ran a half marathon with amy and akins, we attended the norman music festival, and we threw a party for luke. aaaannnndddd... then there was ryan.
so, here's the story of ryan ballantine:
ryan was a facebook friend of donnie's who lived in dallas. a HOT friend. he made smart ass comments on donnie's page periodically which always made me laugh. so on may 8, 2009, i finally sent the hot guy a friend request. and for some crazy reason he not only accepted me, he also started chatting with me. i honestly don't remember how things proceeded from there. we chatted via facebook a lot. we even texted and talked on the phone a bit. in july of 2010 i got to meet him in person. every time i came to texas, we talked about meeting up, but we never actually did until i was with the girls at corner bar right down the street from his house. he showed up, we hung out for a bit and then he was hooked. well, not really, but he did come play with us at the pool the next day. and he did kiss me. :)
and then we went back to our random texts and chats for the next year and a half. we tried to see each other again multiple times, but it didn't happen until st. patrick's day of this year at the parade. and even then, it was brief. fortunately, we got another shot on april 20th, just barely. ryan had to come to okc to work a convention, and of course he's there the week i am sick. i was supposed to see him wednesday or thursday, but i was too sick to leave my house. friday he finally got tired of my "excuses" as he called them and told me that he was going to see me whether i liked it or not. so i did. i saw him friday and saturday and sunday. i spent every moment possible with him, and learned everything about him, which wasn't really hard considering we were pretty much the same person. amy and i always joked about being soulmates. she's the yin to my yang. we make the perfect woman. her weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa. but with ryan, it's different. he is me. not an extension of me or an addition to me, but he's me. a living, breathing piece of me.
he had to go back to texas on sunday morning. he was riding with co-workers or i may not have let him go. when i dropped him off at the hotel that morning, neither of us wanted to say goodbye. and as soon as he walked away, i knew i was in trouble. because bradley, quinton, peter... none of them were this. i don't even know how to put it into words. bradley was my first love. he showed me what the word love meant. quinton was... well, he was quinton. he was supposed to be in my life as something other than a lover, but i messed it up. peter was a wake up call to stop settling. he was the type of man i thought i was supposed to be looking for. so i did. i looked for an intelligent, funny, attractive, driven man. and there are a lot of those. of course, most of them aren't single and the ones who are have remained single because of some sort of emotional deficiency, but that's not the point. the point is i looked for something like peter until i realized that i didn't need him. or anyone else. as much as i wanted to be with peter, i was happy at home by myself. i did what i wanted, when i wanted. it was fantastic. yes, having someone to love would be nice. as we all know, love is somewhat of a drug for me, but i could be content without it. and for a month, i was. things weren't perfect. and some days sucked. but overall i was happy.
so, imagine my surprise when i'm watching a man i've only spent two days with walking away and it hurts so much i can't breathe. i cried all the way home. in fact, i think i have cried a little bit each day since then. not because i'm sad. but because i'm so stupidly, blindingly, happy that i can't help myself. and to be quite honest, i kind of hate myself. but it isn't something i can change. i'm that ridiculous girly girl who is crazy emotional for no good reason other than the fact that i finally understand what love means.
anyway, on to MAY
i saw ryan every possible moment. he met my family on mother's day. and proposed at 4am the next morning because he could "not go one more day" without me being his bride. we ran the Dirty 30 and the McNellie's Pub Run. josh told me that he was shutting down the office and that i wouldn't have a job anymore. amy and i went to seattle for sasquatch. ryan and i decided that we would make our home in texas since i no longer had a job. ryan found us an apartment. i met some of ryan's friends. i got an oklahoma tattoo on my arm--sooner born.
JUNE
jobless. my dad turned 64. my mom went on her alaskan cruise. ryan and i planned our small wedding, only after we discovered that the courts in oklahoma no longer do civil ceremonies. i got to meet ryan's family. i had my first bachelorette party. we ran the Hillbilly 5k. we got married. i went one day without seeing my husband when i went back to oklahoma early to turn in our marriage license and it was miserable. i had a garage sale and sold/gave away everything that couldn't come to texas with me, and then moved my entire life the next day. drove to oklahoma alone one more time to change my name and drove back at 3am so i wouldn't spend another night without my husband. i interviewed with a staffing agency in texas.
JULY
still jobless. ryan and i worked an event for his company in miami. i did a boudoir shoot with linzi, amy and jessie and had a blast. my grams had surgery on her jaw. they removed a piece of it because they were concerned it was cancerous. which it was. after the doctors scared the crap out of my mom and granma, they then told her they could do radiation instead of removing part of her face.
AUGUST
still jobless. i turned 30 and got to spend the day with my family. we house sat for one of ryan's friends and almost went insane watching their teenage daughters. i interviewed with ryan's company and got really excited about the possibility of working with him. they started doing radiation on my grams.
obviously, that's the very abridged version, but it's better than nothing. i'll try more details now that we're here...
SEPTEMBER
we had a wonderful labor day weekend. i got spoiled spending 3 days with my husband. i was thrilled beyond measure. until about 30 minutes after ryan left and i got an email from his company telling me they are going to hire someone with more specific experience. ryan and i really thought this job was in the bag. i should have known it wouldn't be that easy. i already have more than i could have ever asked for. more than i ever knew to ask for. i met the man of my dreams, who also turned out to be my very best friend and the love of my life. i have amazing friends and family, who love me and put up with my spur of the moment decisions, whether they agree with them or not, and then drive 3 hours just to see me. i am blessed beyond measure. i know i am. but man i need to find a job. i'm going insane without one. i need something to do, and more importantly i need income. ryan is wonderful and is more than happy to support me, but i LOATHE being supported. i've already had to borrow money to pay my bills and that alone is eating me up. having to borrow money from him will kill me.
anyway, i'm going to take a bath and try to entertain myself. and i'll try to keep up with this better. well, hopefully i'll get a job and won't have time.