are you seeing your own death? and selling it to me?
lucky for me to think
this only happens one time
we got along more or less life's long
can't tell
i pick it up there
'cause i want it and i want it that bad
i need help with direction
leave it alone
dear
you see
it comes back
come back
we need like a song
but that's not all
we need like a friend
who won't push us around
party in the danger
licking off the way we were
as that's a lonely line
you said in sign
i don't want the cause
I just signed up for my second math class. I decided to take it next semester, rather than wait until the summer. Then, I know I really won't have the patience for it. Plus, everything should be fairly fresh. It's not that I didn't try. I understood every homework assignment and took diligent notes. But it's been a problem for me since grade school: you put a math test in front of me, and no matter how many hours and days I studied, everything will vanish out of my mind. It all turns into Chinese symbols and unknown characters. I hope I can make it out this time. It will be trying. It will be my first semester taking 18 credit hours, the maximum allowed. And I'm unsure about the work load of my other 5 classes. I'm crossing my fingers.
My sabbatical from boys should help.
He asked me today if I would want to go to Cut Copy. (I just did my research. They're not coming to Omaha. Whhhhat?) "Can I buy you a ticket?" I told him that I know he's doing it out of guilt. He "didn't know we were exchanging gifts." We weren't. I made him the Oh Eight mix, like I did with all my close friends, and I knew that he liked the Black Lips so I bought him a ticket... it wasn't a ploy to "get him back." It was a friendly gesture. That's what friends do: when they see something they know a friend would like, they get it for them - no strings attached. That's all it was. I don't want him to be indebited to me. I just want him to see me as a friend, and do the same.
"Are you enjoying ignoring me?" I played aloof and laughed that I wasn't. It hurts less to ignore him. Just sitting on the couch at Blue Line with so much space between us was painful.
This semester will help keep my mind off the situation. I will have no time to play guessing games with him. I've thrown away one too many semesters trying to guess my standing in relationships. NO LONGER!
Saving money will also be the name of the game for me this semester. With Jeff working doubles three days a week, I'll be lucky if I get two shifts at work a week. That means paychecks less than $200. That means no money for movies, concerts I'm iffy about - and only go to out of boredom. I may (sigh) have to even cut back on my cigarette intake. Which isn't too much of an issue. I don't smoke as much during the semester... I don't have time to sit in the sun room and chain smoke like I do now. I just hope I can keep my head above water. Pay my bills without help from the parents. I had to do that in November and it was so demoralizing. I shouldn't have to do that at my age and my level of responsibility. I don't like having chains dangling from my wrists to them.
It's looking hopeful on the internship front. Michael Cerizo, a close coffee friend of six months and photographer, replied to my worries at Aroma's that his office keeper will be leaving. I already told him I'll be asking to help him out when school is over. That will take a lot of weight of my shoulders to finally have an internship. My parents have been harping about it for years. Even suggested that I call a family friend at Omaha World Herald about it. Not no, but fuck no. I'm not photographing for them. I'd rather stick my finger in a light socket. And even that is more tolerable.