hands need warming early in the morning.
it's been a while.
i thought i would update, since i'm manning a coffee shop the morning after an ice/snow storm. which basically means i will be alone for the majority of my time here. i've been here since 6:30, and had only two customers in a two hour span.
on top of that, the music won't work. so i'm blasting my playlist off my mac book. delightful.
i just finished my first semester of junior year. didn't think i'd make it out alive. not because it was challenging. but because i completely lost interest in nearly 4 out of my 5 classes only 2 months into the semester. i'll be pretty damn surprised if i don't have to retake anything.
living in hotel frank has been an experience. to say the least.
it hit its aggravating climax last saturday. we had a dance party. unfortunately it was on a night that a rave out west got broken up, therefore all these little shits came to our place. two new holes (in addition to the massive one in the entry way) appeared on the wall. a kid pissed in the corner of the basement. and the cherry on top that caused my breakdown was the destruction of the light on the second level. someone must have had so much rage that they grabbed a long pole and beat the shit out of the light fixture. i went up to my bedroom just to check my phone and when i came back down shattered glass scattered the floor.
i descended the stairs and saw my housemate Andy and just broke down in tears. i sobbed into his chest for 20 minutes in the kitchen.
"you can't let this place destroy you." but really, it already has. i feel so angry being the only adult in a house of 18 lost, confused, alcoholic children.
Bennet moved out. while he's a good friend, he's an awful person to live with. the basement was his shooting range, and the living room his bar. he never slept, except between the hours of 8 am and 8 pm. he didn't have a job.
in his place, my good friend Anthony moved in. it's been about a week, and already i'm in love with the arrangement. the first night he slept here, i woke up in the morning to him playing Yo La Tengo's "I Can Hear the Heart Beating As One." one of my all time favorite albums, that i haven't listened to in years. last night we watched "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" and "Funny Games." so all is looking up.
as for my job situation. i wanted to get a second one for the holiday season. that fell through. now i'm experiencing hour cuts at Aroma's. we're independent and the coffee business isn't very lucrative... so that's a bit disheartening. i have so many chirstmas gifts to buy for people. but i have yet to acquire the funds. i supposed everyone i love will just have to receive my "year of oh eight" mix. not that that's a bad thing - it's a damn good mix...
as for my romantic situation. rocky. unstable.
i've been "seeing" this guy for about 3 months. we started out as two attractive (attracted) people, just getting to know each other. we didn't have sex until two months into it. we slept together nearly every night.
however, once sex entered, the texts, phone calls, witty facebook banter, and worst of all the sleeping together ended. this troubled me. i tried to push it out of my mind. he still seemed interested. we still had sex a few times a week.
of course i got emotionally attached. he was/is the first guy i've met in a while who seemed to see eye-to-eye with me in the spectrum of life. but he's a pretty well-known guy. he's busy every weekend.
i don't think he understands my self-consciousness. what would a cool, in the limelight guy like him want with a loner like me? he always assures me that i'm cooler than i say... but still.
i've talked to a few friends about my predicament. should i confront him, ask what's going on? or should i just accept the fact that we have a good time in bed and maybe that's all he's looking for?
i by no means want a relationship right now. but solely sex? i can't do that. i need a basis of friendship... and that seems non-existent.
i want to just throw up my hands and say "done!" ignore calls and texts. which won't be a problem for the next week - he's going home for the holidays. at the same time, i want to hold on. see if that closeness will reappear.
it's caused me quite a bit of grief, which in turn makes me even more upset - that i let something like this occupy my mind constantly. maybe i should just put my comfortable wall up and move on. who needs sex, anyway?!
uuuugh.
this winter break i'm determined to get my life in order. when school is in session, i become loose at every end. financially, mentally, physically. i really just want to get back into my skin again.
this process will include completing the following:
- the over-haul of my iTunes library. organize everything.
- write and play music again. prospects: matt, jordan, and most importantly daria, who will be leaving me in march for tokyo for 6 months.
- definitely figure out my relationship standing/status.
- finish "skinny legs & all.'
- save money. no more clothes. books. unnecessary concerts (the faint on saturday, for instance. worth $18? no).
- regain mental clarity.
- regain health. no more living on 8 cups of coffee and a pack of cigarettes a day. food needs to be added in that equation.
i'm pretty positive i can do most of that. i've learned to stop making unreasonable ultimatums for myself. fuck resolutions. just turn it into a to-do list, and things seems to go the way they will.
oh yeah. that whole quitting smoking? not happening.
sorry, lungs.