FUN TIMES FUN TIMES FUN TIMES
January:
i feel so left out and helpless. god i fucking hate fighting with you. it's so stupid. it's so fucking stupid. it's like i can't function apart from other people, and that is terrifying. i'm scared to be alone. it makes sense when you put that next to knowing that when we are together we're always together. every fucking day of break. why is it so easy for you and so incredibly hard for me? i'm alone enough in philadelphia. i don't want to be alone here.
February:
when it comes right down to it, i am a wretched excuse for a human being.
March:
i haven't been writing about how i feel in this journal anymore...i'd like to, i think, but now that i'm here i don't particularly know what to say. my life has been a little out of balance recently.
April:
a year and 2 months (425 days) later it's over. and i'm ok. i've been a girlfriend for so long i can hardly comprehend anything different. now it's just me.
May:
i'm tired and depressed.
being stretched between extremes is exhausting and i wish to come down now, please.
June:
i spend so much time thinking about the events of this last year and how they've led me to where i am. no matter how many times i map it out and remind myself that what's done is done and that everything happens for a reason it still feels wrong. as much as i love school and philly it feels like i was cheated out of the first year of college that i imagined.
July:
this hurts so much ( to feel like an outsider in my home, of all places )
i would be content to never ever return, and i mean that
August:
too many move me, too many overwhelm me and take me over and intrigue me.
can i ever belong to someone?
could there really be just one?
(still i feel him in the future
and i'm breathless)
September:
and as the tears dried and the nausea faded, she stood up and thought,
so then this is how it feels to be a warrior
October:
i hold other people's reactions and opinions of me and my decisions in very high regard. i hate feeling misunderstood. i want to be taken seriously. i let things get to me too much. i put more thought into how what i'm doing will be perceived by others than into whether or not i want to do it. i think of how to plan things out so they will be pleasing to look back on, so they will make good stories.
November:
i feel like this is one of the first times that i can actually distinctly feel the ways in which i'm getting older and hardening under the weight and circumstance of my life. i'm can relate a lot better to the friends of mine who called me idealistic when they first met me. i don't want to say that i'm getting bitter, though that is certainly one way to put it. i have a new way of looking at things now. whether this is positive or negative is still in the air.
December:
i can't fucking do this. i'm running on energy that doesn't exist. oh i don't fucking care, i'm not fucking going to art history i don't care about medeival art. i fucking hate guys they are all so nasty and i don't believe any of it or understand why i believed in love really or what the fucking point of anything is. i was cold all fucking day at work today and didn't make any fucking money. this semester has been so hard why can't it just end, i can't fucking do this, i can't stop crying, i'm all alone in my room and i hate it.
i feel so left out and helpless. god i fucking hate fighting with you. it's so stupid. it's so fucking stupid. it's like i can't function apart from other people, and that is terrifying. i'm scared to be alone. it makes sense when you put that next to knowing that when we are together we're always together. every fucking day of break. why is it so easy for you and so incredibly hard for me? i'm alone enough in philadelphia. i don't want to be alone here.
February:
when it comes right down to it, i am a wretched excuse for a human being.
March:
i haven't been writing about how i feel in this journal anymore...i'd like to, i think, but now that i'm here i don't particularly know what to say. my life has been a little out of balance recently.
April:
a year and 2 months (425 days) later it's over. and i'm ok. i've been a girlfriend for so long i can hardly comprehend anything different. now it's just me.
May:
i'm tired and depressed.
being stretched between extremes is exhausting and i wish to come down now, please.
June:
i spend so much time thinking about the events of this last year and how they've led me to where i am. no matter how many times i map it out and remind myself that what's done is done and that everything happens for a reason it still feels wrong. as much as i love school and philly it feels like i was cheated out of the first year of college that i imagined.
July:
this hurts so much ( to feel like an outsider in my home, of all places )
i would be content to never ever return, and i mean that
August:
too many move me, too many overwhelm me and take me over and intrigue me.
can i ever belong to someone?
could there really be just one?
(still i feel him in the future
and i'm breathless)
September:
and as the tears dried and the nausea faded, she stood up and thought,
so then this is how it feels to be a warrior
October:
i hold other people's reactions and opinions of me and my decisions in very high regard. i hate feeling misunderstood. i want to be taken seriously. i let things get to me too much. i put more thought into how what i'm doing will be perceived by others than into whether or not i want to do it. i think of how to plan things out so they will be pleasing to look back on, so they will make good stories.
November:
i feel like this is one of the first times that i can actually distinctly feel the ways in which i'm getting older and hardening under the weight and circumstance of my life. i'm can relate a lot better to the friends of mine who called me idealistic when they first met me. i don't want to say that i'm getting bitter, though that is certainly one way to put it. i have a new way of looking at things now. whether this is positive or negative is still in the air.
December:
i can't fucking do this. i'm running on energy that doesn't exist. oh i don't fucking care, i'm not fucking going to art history i don't care about medeival art. i fucking hate guys they are all so nasty and i don't believe any of it or understand why i believed in love really or what the fucking point of anything is. i was cold all fucking day at work today and didn't make any fucking money. this semester has been so hard why can't it just end, i can't fucking do this, i can't stop crying, i'm all alone in my room and i hate it.