(no subject)
I have been told that I'm more emotional than most other people. I used to revel in this, and then for a while I was sorely disgusted and angered by it. I could never relate to people and it frustrated me; most of all, people couldn't relate back. I felt crazy. In doing this little re-boot of my life that I am currently in, I have come to the conclusion that it is neither a good nor a bad; and that it simply is. Now, I'm not saying it as though it is some cryptic message developed in my brain to get me through feeling like shit... No its actually because I think that my soul and outstanding quirks are playing a part in the lives around me. Its not the ideal place, nor would I have ever imagined that I'd be fulfilling such a role, but I do. And I've come to grips with where I am at.
However I also think that there is a potential in me that I've never tried to unlock. Its there and I'm too damn scared to fail at things now that I just don't try. THIS part of me, I am attempting to change. Its hard when you have such a hard time finding new people, and as of this moment right now, I have yet to find someone even closely resembling myself.... which I guess most people would appreciate... being all unique after all. But with that uniqueness comes loneliness. And I've faked my way through many a social situation... I've made friends in using this "alter- ego" of mine and have met people through it that I really do like. However there seems to be this invisible circus-like height bar that tells me that I can't ever quite relax fully around them and that I can only get so close to people. And sometimes when I'm not on my game, it will show like a 1,000,000,000 watt candlepower flashlight. Everyone sees it. And occasionally I'll be put in the front to deal with all the social awkwardness of a situation... like I'm suppose to fix whats gone wrong. Sometimes I can't fix it. Sometimes I even make things worse. As stated above, I think I feel things and can't shake them as well as other people. It might be the reason why I've been told by my family that I seem to only remember the bad and sad times in my childhood. As a little kid I would cry at everything.... I mean everything. I don't know why.
However I also think that there is a potential in me that I've never tried to unlock. Its there and I'm too damn scared to fail at things now that I just don't try. THIS part of me, I am attempting to change. Its hard when you have such a hard time finding new people, and as of this moment right now, I have yet to find someone even closely resembling myself.... which I guess most people would appreciate... being all unique after all. But with that uniqueness comes loneliness. And I've faked my way through many a social situation... I've made friends in using this "alter- ego" of mine and have met people through it that I really do like. However there seems to be this invisible circus-like height bar that tells me that I can't ever quite relax fully around them and that I can only get so close to people. And sometimes when I'm not on my game, it will show like a 1,000,000,000 watt candlepower flashlight. Everyone sees it. And occasionally I'll be put in the front to deal with all the social awkwardness of a situation... like I'm suppose to fix whats gone wrong. Sometimes I can't fix it. Sometimes I even make things worse. As stated above, I think I feel things and can't shake them as well as other people. It might be the reason why I've been told by my family that I seem to only remember the bad and sad times in my childhood. As a little kid I would cry at everything.... I mean everything. I don't know why.