cont..
just got back from ryans wake. it was really strange, it didnt even look like him, it was wrong. his hair wasnt in his face, you couldnt see his perfect bone strutcture under the puffy sagging skin. you could clearly see how much conealer they had to apply to make him look warm, but he was radiating cold. his eyes were closed so tight, they werent even closed that way when he slept. he looked miserable. i hope he isnt miserable. i mean i could understand if he is, but i hope hes taking it well. he could come haunt me any day of the week, thatd be fine by me. ry ry my ghost friend, he could stack chairs like in poultergiset. dear ryan: if you can read in death, come hang out with me. there was a ton of really cute pictures of him all over. he was so happy in all of them. they were playing all his favortie songs, which all happen to bring me right back to sitting in the car with him singing. hanging out at dan the mans, getting drunk on cheap vodka, scrounging change for taco bell. i didnt cry, i felt like i should have, i guess im still subconciously blocking it out. its going to hit me like a frieght train, and itll probably be friday night when im drunk. im buying a bottle of jack - and drinking it, so watch out. i guess there is a half bottle he had been working on before the accident, all of his friends are supposed to get together and drink it. thats when itl hit me. sitting around with sully, dan, casey, and the rest...all drinking from the same bottle, just how he would have wanted it.
i saw sean and adam, it was a little wierd, a little forced. it was bad timing to run into them again. i mean how social can one be after they just saw one of thier best friends dead and cold in a box. its not an ok thing. it makes me really vaule my friends, as lame as that sounds. like, i really love my friends. theyre good people. i cant even imagine if it was ashley laying there in the funeral home, boated and decomping. they would have to lay me down right next to her because my heart would stop beating. i give sully and casey a lot of credit for how theyre handling it, i know seeing my bff4l like that would kill me. im not a strong person. i like to act that way, but im weak. im makeing it through this just by ignorance. i cant run from it forever though, and i know ill try. i dont like to deal with things like this, serious things, i like to act like a child and plug my ears. i didnt say goodbye to anyone when i left because i didnt want to get upset. i especially didnt want anyone to see me get upset. i cant have anyone see me upset, i always had a problem with that, all my boyfriends hated it. im not afraid of my emotions, i just dont like other people to see them. i like to appear strong...or just stupid.
and i really like how everyone that saw me today said the same thing about my ankle "drinking and driving again?". no, actually, i just fell down. i was drinking and driving before and after i fell, but no i did not break my ankle in a drunk driving accident. and they would say it and smile, like laugh almost, like it was so expected. well gee thanks its nice to know that all my old friends think im some crazy alchy who breaks bones driving drunk. i got a dwi for driving drunk, but no not the ankle. damn. im sure ryan would have assumed the same though. and every time i would say "no i just fell down" i felt like the battered wife saying she fell down a flight of stairs or walked into a door. im not hideing anything, i really did trip and fall. they almost made me not believe myself.
i smell like kyle. or i can just still smell kyle. white raisins. i think its really curve for men. i hate curve for men, only because it turns me on. i dont like kyle to turn me on. he should stop wearing it.
i feel like i cant talk to people right now. like i want to talk to people but for some reason i just cant get words out. my mouth isnt complying with my mind. i cant form the words, i cant even text anyone, i dont know what to say to anyone. not even in casual convorsation, ESPECIALLY not in casual convorsation. cant it just be friday already? cant i be taking a shot or blowing a line or smoking a blunt? or all of the above preferrably. im going to get wasted, im going to be a total waste case and im ok with that. im gonna be an alcoholic with a fist full of bad reasons, and the drugs will just make it go down easier. sorry mom and dad, your little girl likes bad drugs.
im having a hard time being sober. i mean im stuck at home, there isnt much i can do. my dad isnt going to get his crippled daughter a beer, i cant sneak outside and smoke a bowl, or a cigarette for that matter. im stuck in sobriety until tomarrow when kyle and i smoke our funeral blunt, dedicated to ry ry daffodils. and then, thank god for friday. booze drugs and friends. a good time in sure to be had. and if everyone else is lame thats fine ive got ashley, we always have fun. and kyle, thats the icing on the cake. im almost glad i didnt run into nudo today, then i deffinately wouldve cried. i might cry tomarrow, i dont know, i might never cry again. my body just isnt good at producing tears at appropriate times, instead i laugh. oh yeah i was giggling the entire time we were at the funeral home. people must have thought i was the biggest fucking bitch. i get nervous and i laugh, i get scared andi laugh, i get really sad and laugh, i get really mad and laugh. my brain is halg assed backwords. im insane. maybe ill go back at 7 and see him again. i kinda feel like i should. i dont know if i can handle it though.
im a lunatic
i need a beer
or 12
i saw sean and adam, it was a little wierd, a little forced. it was bad timing to run into them again. i mean how social can one be after they just saw one of thier best friends dead and cold in a box. its not an ok thing. it makes me really vaule my friends, as lame as that sounds. like, i really love my friends. theyre good people. i cant even imagine if it was ashley laying there in the funeral home, boated and decomping. they would have to lay me down right next to her because my heart would stop beating. i give sully and casey a lot of credit for how theyre handling it, i know seeing my bff4l like that would kill me. im not a strong person. i like to act that way, but im weak. im makeing it through this just by ignorance. i cant run from it forever though, and i know ill try. i dont like to deal with things like this, serious things, i like to act like a child and plug my ears. i didnt say goodbye to anyone when i left because i didnt want to get upset. i especially didnt want anyone to see me get upset. i cant have anyone see me upset, i always had a problem with that, all my boyfriends hated it. im not afraid of my emotions, i just dont like other people to see them. i like to appear strong...or just stupid.
and i really like how everyone that saw me today said the same thing about my ankle "drinking and driving again?". no, actually, i just fell down. i was drinking and driving before and after i fell, but no i did not break my ankle in a drunk driving accident. and they would say it and smile, like laugh almost, like it was so expected. well gee thanks its nice to know that all my old friends think im some crazy alchy who breaks bones driving drunk. i got a dwi for driving drunk, but no not the ankle. damn. im sure ryan would have assumed the same though. and every time i would say "no i just fell down" i felt like the battered wife saying she fell down a flight of stairs or walked into a door. im not hideing anything, i really did trip and fall. they almost made me not believe myself.
i smell like kyle. or i can just still smell kyle. white raisins. i think its really curve for men. i hate curve for men, only because it turns me on. i dont like kyle to turn me on. he should stop wearing it.
i feel like i cant talk to people right now. like i want to talk to people but for some reason i just cant get words out. my mouth isnt complying with my mind. i cant form the words, i cant even text anyone, i dont know what to say to anyone. not even in casual convorsation, ESPECIALLY not in casual convorsation. cant it just be friday already? cant i be taking a shot or blowing a line or smoking a blunt? or all of the above preferrably. im going to get wasted, im going to be a total waste case and im ok with that. im gonna be an alcoholic with a fist full of bad reasons, and the drugs will just make it go down easier. sorry mom and dad, your little girl likes bad drugs.
im having a hard time being sober. i mean im stuck at home, there isnt much i can do. my dad isnt going to get his crippled daughter a beer, i cant sneak outside and smoke a bowl, or a cigarette for that matter. im stuck in sobriety until tomarrow when kyle and i smoke our funeral blunt, dedicated to ry ry daffodils. and then, thank god for friday. booze drugs and friends. a good time in sure to be had. and if everyone else is lame thats fine ive got ashley, we always have fun. and kyle, thats the icing on the cake. im almost glad i didnt run into nudo today, then i deffinately wouldve cried. i might cry tomarrow, i dont know, i might never cry again. my body just isnt good at producing tears at appropriate times, instead i laugh. oh yeah i was giggling the entire time we were at the funeral home. people must have thought i was the biggest fucking bitch. i get nervous and i laugh, i get scared andi laugh, i get really sad and laugh, i get really mad and laugh. my brain is halg assed backwords. im insane. maybe ill go back at 7 and see him again. i kinda feel like i should. i dont know if i can handle it though.
im a lunatic
i need a beer
or 12