5 Current Fashion Trends That Are Fucking Stuipd
Coincidentally, internet lists are pretty trendy right now.
But since I've been on Polyvore so much it's exposed me to a lot of current fashion trends. A lot of them... are horrible. (Although I really like black & white, waist belts, and floral skirts).
But of all the horrible fashion trends right now, these are probably the worst offenders.
1. Rompers
These are coveralls. Coveralls. I don't care how they've been cut, they amount to coveralls.
Listen, I understand the convenience and comfort of a one-piece. That's why I love dresses so much.
But they're coveralls. And they are either going to make you look like a child, or a mechanic who couldn't afford the whole jumpsuit.
They are not attractive. They are just lazy outfits. Save them for when you need to paint a house in the summer.
2. Harem Pants
MC Hammer would be proud.
Look, there is nothing flattering about the shape of these pants. Normally I consider myself above poop jokes... but I swear... it just looks like you're trying to leave yourself room to shit.
The way these things gather around the butt... is diapery. And then it makes your crotch hang down between your knees, creating a silhouette that is not human. It's like Invasion of the Huge-Torso'd Puffybutt Creatures.
I don't want to see these things on anyone who isn't a clown. There is certainly nothing about them that makes me want to add anyone wearing them to my harem.
3. Zipper Front Dresses
If you're going to wear something like this, I hope you really trust the guys you're hanging out with. Because a lot of the guys I know (being morons) would probably find it really funny to unzip you on random occasions. I can see that happening at bars and clubs a lot, considering the drunkenness quotient.
Maybe if you're really easy though, this could work for you. I mean, that dress just looks like it's begging to be unzipped. It's like if you had a building called the Headquarters of Sexual Delights and Everything You Could Possibly Wish For Plus Puppies and Candy, and then put a door on the place that said "Do Not Open." It's mean it's what it is. Or it's a trap.
Well fuck that. If it's not locked, I'm going in anyway.
And in a similar vein...
4. Exposed Zippers
An exposed zipper is even worse than a zipper-front because an exposed zipper just makes it look like the dress maker was too lazy to finish the garment they were making.
"FINISHED. It's beautiful! A work of art! Alright, mass produce 'em, box 'em, sell 'em to hipsters for unreasonable amounts of money."
"But sir! The dresses aren't closed in the back!"
"I SAID I was FINISHED. Oh, just... slap a fucking zipper on it. Whatever works. Now if you excuse me, I'll be in my mansion counting hipster money."
"Mmm... smells like chai and hummus."
The other thing is that an exposed zipper can sneak up from nowhere and ruin what is otherwise a perfectly nice dress.
Look at this one:
Isn't that a pretty dress?
Now turn it around:
What the shit? Who designed this thing? I sewed a zipper better than that in 8th Grade Textiles.
5. Huge, Crazy Platforms
Ladies! Listen, not all platforms are bad. There is certainly a right way and a wrong way to do platforms.
This way makes you look like a stripper. And not even a good stripper. One of those cheap strippers that will probably give you a couple STDs just by looking at you funny. Maybe you are a stripper. It's not my business to inquire into your work.
But I wouldn't ask your friend at A.C. Moore to help you make your shoes anymore.
Oh, and I'm... not even going to ask about these:
But since I've been on Polyvore so much it's exposed me to a lot of current fashion trends. A lot of them... are horrible. (Although I really like black & white, waist belts, and floral skirts).
But of all the horrible fashion trends right now, these are probably the worst offenders.
1. Rompers
These are coveralls. Coveralls. I don't care how they've been cut, they amount to coveralls.
Listen, I understand the convenience and comfort of a one-piece. That's why I love dresses so much.
But they're coveralls. And they are either going to make you look like a child, or a mechanic who couldn't afford the whole jumpsuit.
They are not attractive. They are just lazy outfits. Save them for when you need to paint a house in the summer.
2. Harem Pants
MC Hammer would be proud.
Look, there is nothing flattering about the shape of these pants. Normally I consider myself above poop jokes... but I swear... it just looks like you're trying to leave yourself room to shit.
The way these things gather around the butt... is diapery. And then it makes your crotch hang down between your knees, creating a silhouette that is not human. It's like Invasion of the Huge-Torso'd Puffybutt Creatures.
I don't want to see these things on anyone who isn't a clown. There is certainly nothing about them that makes me want to add anyone wearing them to my harem.
3. Zipper Front Dresses
If you're going to wear something like this, I hope you really trust the guys you're hanging out with. Because a lot of the guys I know (being morons) would probably find it really funny to unzip you on random occasions. I can see that happening at bars and clubs a lot, considering the drunkenness quotient.
Maybe if you're really easy though, this could work for you. I mean, that dress just looks like it's begging to be unzipped. It's like if you had a building called the Headquarters of Sexual Delights and Everything You Could Possibly Wish For Plus Puppies and Candy, and then put a door on the place that said "Do Not Open." It's mean it's what it is. Or it's a trap.
Well fuck that. If it's not locked, I'm going in anyway.
And in a similar vein...
4. Exposed Zippers
An exposed zipper is even worse than a zipper-front because an exposed zipper just makes it look like the dress maker was too lazy to finish the garment they were making.
"FINISHED. It's beautiful! A work of art! Alright, mass produce 'em, box 'em, sell 'em to hipsters for unreasonable amounts of money."
"But sir! The dresses aren't closed in the back!"
"I SAID I was FINISHED. Oh, just... slap a fucking zipper on it. Whatever works. Now if you excuse me, I'll be in my mansion counting hipster money."
"Mmm... smells like chai and hummus."
The other thing is that an exposed zipper can sneak up from nowhere and ruin what is otherwise a perfectly nice dress.
Look at this one:
Isn't that a pretty dress?
Now turn it around:
What the shit? Who designed this thing? I sewed a zipper better than that in 8th Grade Textiles.
5. Huge, Crazy Platforms
Ladies! Listen, not all platforms are bad. There is certainly a right way and a wrong way to do platforms.
This way makes you look like a stripper. And not even a good stripper. One of those cheap strippers that will probably give you a couple STDs just by looking at you funny. Maybe you are a stripper. It's not my business to inquire into your work.
But I wouldn't ask your friend at A.C. Moore to help you make your shoes anymore.
Oh, and I'm... not even going to ask about these: