The Cinematic Smackdown
Ladies and gentleman, I have found my calling! I'm going to be a movie critic. Now here's why...
Last night, Sam and I went to see Hostel. I feel a little stupider for having watched it. Now, to preface this article just so you don't get me wrong... I love a good serial killer flick. I loved Saw because there was a puzzle to sort out. Seven was awesome because it had a philosophical bent. The Silence of the Lambs is just classic, and then the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is always good for a giggle because it honestly has all the elements of a slapstick comedy. So I went into Hostel thinking it was going to be another awesome serial killer movie along this vein. It wasn't even a serial killer movie. It was just repulsive. I go to the movies to be inspired, intrigued, or at the very least perplexed. This movie did neither for me. It actually made me a little sick... literally. I came home feeling queasy and couldn't even down a whole meal. So I'm going to warn you now that if you really plan on seeing this piece of crap no matter what I say, you probably shouldn't read this article because there will be spoilers... but you won't honestly be missing much.
Now, about the first... maybe... half hour of the movie consisted largely of tits. Tits, and three guys backpacking through Europe getting high and trying to get laid. Well, except for one of them who felt really awkward about the whole thing and kept suggesting they try to get some culture while they're in culture-laden Europe. So I thought "Hey! Here's our protagonist! Alright." Although the fact that the first half hour of the movie was full of tits should've been a tip-off that there was nothing for women to enjoy in this movie. Even sadistic women such as myself. Now, as the movie progressed, I kept making note of several scenes that appeared to have no point whatsoever. Then again, the movie had no point whatsoever, or even some semblance of a plot, so I don't know why that should matter. Now, the movie was incredibly predictable. I could always tell who was good, who was evil, who was gonna do what to who, and when one of them was going to get the figurative ax. When they couldn't find their French buddy, I already knew he was dead before I saw his severed head. The one moment where I didn't see what was coming was when the good guy who was interested in more than just tits decided to leave the bar and go home, and his buddy passed out in the bathroom and I thought "YES! The other dirty bastard is finally getting the ax!" But NO! It was the nice guy who (very graphically) got the ax. And that was when I gave up on the movie entirely, right then and there, because they broke one of the most important rules of a murder movie: ALWAYS save the one the audience cares about most for last. So now I had to sit through the rest of the movie watching the good guy's shit-for-brains buddy try to find his friends and fight gangs of violent homeless children (seriously... what?). And eventually we find out what happened to his buddies because the girls they'd been nailing sent him there. There was no serial killing by a single psychotic individual. There was just a place where people go and pay to kill people. WHAT THE FUCK!? First of all... why? There's never any motive, any emotion, any explanation, or any given reason as to why nobody on the outside figures out about the place and does anything about it. Clearly, Mr. Tarantino didn't expect his audience to think. Well, Mr. Tarantino, I have a brain and I intend to use it! So then we had to watch the despicable little bastard valliantly fight his way out of the house of horrors, taking with him the Asian girl he met at the Hostel (who will eventually throw herself in front of a train because apparently it's just not cool to live with one eye). As we watched the bastard's train pull out of the station (which was the end of the movie) I felt destinctly cheated. I should've walked out. I considered, at several points durring the movie, to walk out, but I didn't know if Sam wanted to walk out as badly as I did (yes, she did). It was pointles, plotless, perfectly revolting. Sam andI seriously considered finding out where Quentin Tarantino lives and personally requesting our money back.
Now let me just point some things out:
1. In order for a horror movie, or murder movie, to be even remotely good, it needs to keep a good poker face. It shouldn't show everything it's got. The scariest part of a movie always comes from your imagination. It's always scarier to have to picture someone getting mutilated than to actually see them getting mutilated.
2. This movie was falsely advertised. They need to drum up the sexual part of the movie because it's such a put-off if you go into the movie not expecting it. Actually, come to think of it, it wasn't even neccessary to cover the sexual part so extensively.
3. Another element that makes a movie scary is the surprise element. I watched Saw, and the surprise at the end was like the prize at the bottom of gory, homicidal cerial. So I kept sitting through Hostel hoping for a moral or a point or even a surprise, but in the end it was like rooting all the way through the box of cerial only to find there wasn't a prize inside after all. Disappointing.
4. Make your audience care about your characters. The characters are the heart of the movie. If your audience doesn't care about your characters, then it doesn't matter what happens to them because nobody's going to give a shit.
5. If the movie has more screaming than dialogue, it's not worth watching.
Now here's a list of things I did durring the duration of Hostel:
1. Try to take a nap.
2. Try to write a song (didn't have enough light).
3. Attempt some oragami (again, not enough light).
4. Admire the new seats and everything they redid in the theatre.
5. Check out my new purse.
6. Think about Lost.
I think I can safely say that there is nothing that makes this movie worth watching... unless you like tits and excessive violence.
SO! If you're a homicidal maniac OR an obsessively sadistic teenage boy OR that kid on the playground who likes to pick the wings off flies OR if you're in a persistive vegitative state and your brain is incapable of functioning... then this is the movie for you!
So it was durring this movie that I realized that being a movie critic is my calling. This is why I was given the power to write well and persuade people! I can save people a few bucks, while at the same time be given a chance to express my righteous outrage at having just wasted a few hours of my life. Now every time I watch a movie, I'm going to (try to) post a review for it.
In other news... because I was sick last night, I wasn't able to finish some very important things, so I stayed home "sick" today to complete them. I had a lot of shit to do today and I hope people aren't TOO pissed off at my absence, but I just COULDN'T show up without my English presentation today. It just wasn't an option.
Last night, Sam and I went to see Hostel. I feel a little stupider for having watched it. Now, to preface this article just so you don't get me wrong... I love a good serial killer flick. I loved Saw because there was a puzzle to sort out. Seven was awesome because it had a philosophical bent. The Silence of the Lambs is just classic, and then the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is always good for a giggle because it honestly has all the elements of a slapstick comedy. So I went into Hostel thinking it was going to be another awesome serial killer movie along this vein. It wasn't even a serial killer movie. It was just repulsive. I go to the movies to be inspired, intrigued, or at the very least perplexed. This movie did neither for me. It actually made me a little sick... literally. I came home feeling queasy and couldn't even down a whole meal. So I'm going to warn you now that if you really plan on seeing this piece of crap no matter what I say, you probably shouldn't read this article because there will be spoilers... but you won't honestly be missing much.
Now, about the first... maybe... half hour of the movie consisted largely of tits. Tits, and three guys backpacking through Europe getting high and trying to get laid. Well, except for one of them who felt really awkward about the whole thing and kept suggesting they try to get some culture while they're in culture-laden Europe. So I thought "Hey! Here's our protagonist! Alright." Although the fact that the first half hour of the movie was full of tits should've been a tip-off that there was nothing for women to enjoy in this movie. Even sadistic women such as myself. Now, as the movie progressed, I kept making note of several scenes that appeared to have no point whatsoever. Then again, the movie had no point whatsoever, or even some semblance of a plot, so I don't know why that should matter. Now, the movie was incredibly predictable. I could always tell who was good, who was evil, who was gonna do what to who, and when one of them was going to get the figurative ax. When they couldn't find their French buddy, I already knew he was dead before I saw his severed head. The one moment where I didn't see what was coming was when the good guy who was interested in more than just tits decided to leave the bar and go home, and his buddy passed out in the bathroom and I thought "YES! The other dirty bastard is finally getting the ax!" But NO! It was the nice guy who (very graphically) got the ax. And that was when I gave up on the movie entirely, right then and there, because they broke one of the most important rules of a murder movie: ALWAYS save the one the audience cares about most for last. So now I had to sit through the rest of the movie watching the good guy's shit-for-brains buddy try to find his friends and fight gangs of violent homeless children (seriously... what?). And eventually we find out what happened to his buddies because the girls they'd been nailing sent him there. There was no serial killing by a single psychotic individual. There was just a place where people go and pay to kill people. WHAT THE FUCK!? First of all... why? There's never any motive, any emotion, any explanation, or any given reason as to why nobody on the outside figures out about the place and does anything about it. Clearly, Mr. Tarantino didn't expect his audience to think. Well, Mr. Tarantino, I have a brain and I intend to use it! So then we had to watch the despicable little bastard valliantly fight his way out of the house of horrors, taking with him the Asian girl he met at the Hostel (who will eventually throw herself in front of a train because apparently it's just not cool to live with one eye). As we watched the bastard's train pull out of the station (which was the end of the movie) I felt destinctly cheated. I should've walked out. I considered, at several points durring the movie, to walk out, but I didn't know if Sam wanted to walk out as badly as I did (yes, she did). It was pointles, plotless, perfectly revolting. Sam andI seriously considered finding out where Quentin Tarantino lives and personally requesting our money back.
Now let me just point some things out:
1. In order for a horror movie, or murder movie, to be even remotely good, it needs to keep a good poker face. It shouldn't show everything it's got. The scariest part of a movie always comes from your imagination. It's always scarier to have to picture someone getting mutilated than to actually see them getting mutilated.
2. This movie was falsely advertised. They need to drum up the sexual part of the movie because it's such a put-off if you go into the movie not expecting it. Actually, come to think of it, it wasn't even neccessary to cover the sexual part so extensively.
3. Another element that makes a movie scary is the surprise element. I watched Saw, and the surprise at the end was like the prize at the bottom of gory, homicidal cerial. So I kept sitting through Hostel hoping for a moral or a point or even a surprise, but in the end it was like rooting all the way through the box of cerial only to find there wasn't a prize inside after all. Disappointing.
4. Make your audience care about your characters. The characters are the heart of the movie. If your audience doesn't care about your characters, then it doesn't matter what happens to them because nobody's going to give a shit.
5. If the movie has more screaming than dialogue, it's not worth watching.
Now here's a list of things I did durring the duration of Hostel:
1. Try to take a nap.
2. Try to write a song (didn't have enough light).
3. Attempt some oragami (again, not enough light).
4. Admire the new seats and everything they redid in the theatre.
5. Check out my new purse.
6. Think about Lost.
I think I can safely say that there is nothing that makes this movie worth watching... unless you like tits and excessive violence.
SO! If you're a homicidal maniac OR an obsessively sadistic teenage boy OR that kid on the playground who likes to pick the wings off flies OR if you're in a persistive vegitative state and your brain is incapable of functioning... then this is the movie for you!
So it was durring this movie that I realized that being a movie critic is my calling. This is why I was given the power to write well and persuade people! I can save people a few bucks, while at the same time be given a chance to express my righteous outrage at having just wasted a few hours of my life. Now every time I watch a movie, I'm going to (try to) post a review for it.
In other news... because I was sick last night, I wasn't able to finish some very important things, so I stayed home "sick" today to complete them. I had a lot of shit to do today and I hope people aren't TOO pissed off at my absence, but I just COULDN'T show up without my English presentation today. It just wasn't an option.