not even three days...
It happened on saturday.
In the early morning.
I lost it. I was aware It was going to happen because I met my doctor the day before and heard about the nightmare I was going through.
They were reading my hellish story before my humid and red eyes not sure if I could handle it.
Rather numb or angry.
I keep receiving empathy messages but nothing really appeases my soul right now.
I feel like a a fucking graveyard.
http://www.deezer.com/track/56056
I keep listening to tori amos, there's nothing else I can do.
singing helps me a bit. I let go.
But if I don't cry for too long I feel so strange, I don't understand.
It's like I blocked my emotions and they go awry...
I am not ready to move on and I try to keep my mind occupied.
I just know I feel utterly lonely.
It's not because of anyone.
It is just me lost under the lake of some kind of cruellest Hell.
Everything is truly upside down.
the world has fallen over.
Nothing will ever be the same.
and gosh the emotion that is stiffled in me is the anger...
why on Earth do I always react this way?
I want to scream
I want to ask God why?
I want him/her to explain to me the reason of this?
should I learn a new lesson of life in this pain?
should I developpe more empathy?more sensitivity?
aren t I already enough of an empath?
aren't I good enough?
Haven't I suffered enough?
haven't I been through too many deceptions?
Don't I deserve some kind of Bliss?
cannot this dream to be a mother be true?
will it never happen?
I feel so fucking old.
yes. I am only 30.
and it was my first pregnancy and people with knowledge and experience will all kindly say: oh but it happens to many women, it's okay, dont worry.
Of course. this should reassure me right?
I should jump the fuck up and rejoice!
it s common, I am not the only one Yay!
don't bring that shit on please!
I have read in all the forum and communities of miscarriage...I do empathise a lot with these women, I understand their pain better than most now but I don't have the words and I cannot even help my self.
I fear to drown.
here are the tears.
I feel I just am so used to this.
suffering.
it's a real path in my life, it's not playing the victim.
I have tried a lot, I keep trying but I cannot ignore there is a lot of pain on this journey of mine.
I wish I could understand why.
I am not a bad person.
Is it my karma? was I someone evil in my past existence?
Did I kill pregnant women during some kind of barbarian wars?
Did I kill children during WW2?
I mean I have so much guilt in me since I was born.
I can remember this.
I chose Jesus because of my grandmother who took me to churche innocently saying we're gonna meet Jesus.
And honestly there was nothing bad to this.
I enjoyed it.
I believed in God by myself, I was just too young to choose a religion.
Nowaday I have chose spirituality and my very own belief.
Because I love many Gods and Goddesses.
I pray and reach the ones I need depending on the time.
I was feeling guilty as a child and wondering if I didn 't deserve love.
I fell hated by my parents who never give me credit at all.
I know he was no bad man he just didn t know how to be my father and his father was not there much so he could not reach out to any good father image.
and my mom hardly cuddle me, rare were the compliments...not cute nickmane...
I wish I had felt loved as a child.
I wish I had felt loved as a teen.
Then when I left my parents, I felt they cared more.
It did never heal the past.
I tried my best to heal it alone.
I tried therapy.
I tried to just let my self fall in depressions.
I just wanted to feel loved.
I was always the giver, the carer, the listener, the healer...and me?
should I live in abnegation for ever?
was I a nurse a nun in my past lives?
Hell!
I am always feeling so much more comfortable writing my worse pain in English.
It's not my mother tongue.
maybe this has some hidden meaning too.
I don't know at all if I have to try therapy again to help me go through this mourning of my hopes...
I so wanted that baby.
I was almost in love already.
dreaming of her.
I felt it was going to be a girl.
just because I so wanted one.
It could have been either one, I wanted a healthy baby to care for, to bring love to, to breed, to show all the beauty of this existence.
I wanted to share so many things with her/him.
It all happen so soon and not.
Because I was almost 11 weeks pregnant.
I was about to see my baby.
and now I am empty.
there is nothing to see in me.
I am empty. dark.hole. nothing.
It feels awful and I cannot help to have some huge anger and hatred for my body and I try to protect myself as much I can from this anger in me.
It's so hard.
I cannot write all this in my real blog because nobody can understand and I don't care to be read or not.
I just need to write for myself not to go insane.
I have to go have a shower.
I really don't feel like it.
But I don't want to have infection after the curettage...so let's go.
I hate it when I wash my sex, only touching it disgust me.
Like it's a locked door,I cant explain this. I feel cut there.
I feel dead there.
I have seen all the warm blood coming out of me.
I bled so much.
had to go emergency room.
It was a real nightmare.
and now I still can't believe it all happen to me.
it seems it's been ages ago. and it's only 3 fucking days ago.
How am I suppose to heal now?
I am trying but every morning I wake up I realise more and more.
I am not pregnant.
I am empty.
There won't be a beautiful pumpkin baby this year.
bye bye dreams of sweetness
goodbye bliss
I would strangle anyone who would dare say it was God's will.
God does not kill your baby.
This is not true.
God is Love, He/She does not want you to hurt the hell.
I am grateful for my man who is truly my best support and he went through this with me.
I do feel alone now because men heal easier and they don't cry, at least mine does not.
well maybe he did once I was in the operation room.
Maybe he was scared to lose me.
maybe.
Now I cannot help myself thinking he could love me less and less.
we didn't have sex in ages, because I already had light brown losses and was worried to have sex while pregnant in the first months.
Then now I am not ready to have sex again.
My libido is surely not dead, the hormones are getting weird.
I have sex dreams a lot.
last night I had a lesbian dream.
This morning I've had nauseas
I feel I am going to live the cycle backwards.
awful.
I have cramps.
I still bleed a little.
It's surely the uterus taking its normal size and place and healing its wounds.
God I so hope I'll be able to be pregnant again this year!
Goddess I so hope I'll be able to bring a beautiful healthy baby to term because I am a mother...
I have always been.
I so love my babies already.
I so want to have at least 3 of them.
I would care so much. I would be there for them.
I would show them how special they are. I would help them trust and love themselves for the person they are.
I would help them in everyway to be the best of themselves.
on the 21st of april we had to do the first ultrasound and really I am not sure how I will handle this day.
My fucking horoscope dared say that that day would be so romantic and beautiful...well...it'll be a mourning day.
I can't believe it all happened.
I wish it were a nightmare.
I am so worried.
I am crying.
I wish I had a friend here to hug me but I am a lonely person. living home since too many years now.
I have tried making friends it's not so easy.
I have friends around the world thanks Internet!
My parents should come this weekend.
I hope I won't bother them with my tears if they have to come.
I know my father is sensitive to them.
I love him so much, he's the sensitive one.
I have hated him for years and then we made peace with time to finally acknowledge we were so similar in many ways.
My mom is the optimistic one who don't dwell long in sadness she moves on fast.
I am not like her at all.
surely there were many women out there in the world who lost their baby on the 4th of April.
My empathy to you all.
In the early morning.
I lost it. I was aware It was going to happen because I met my doctor the day before and heard about the nightmare I was going through.
They were reading my hellish story before my humid and red eyes not sure if I could handle it.
Rather numb or angry.
I keep receiving empathy messages but nothing really appeases my soul right now.
I feel like a a fucking graveyard.
http://www.deezer.com/track/56056
I keep listening to tori amos, there's nothing else I can do.
singing helps me a bit. I let go.
But if I don't cry for too long I feel so strange, I don't understand.
It's like I blocked my emotions and they go awry...
I am not ready to move on and I try to keep my mind occupied.
I just know I feel utterly lonely.
It's not because of anyone.
It is just me lost under the lake of some kind of cruellest Hell.
Everything is truly upside down.
the world has fallen over.
Nothing will ever be the same.
and gosh the emotion that is stiffled in me is the anger...
why on Earth do I always react this way?
I want to scream
I want to ask God why?
I want him/her to explain to me the reason of this?
should I learn a new lesson of life in this pain?
should I developpe more empathy?more sensitivity?
aren t I already enough of an empath?
aren't I good enough?
Haven't I suffered enough?
haven't I been through too many deceptions?
Don't I deserve some kind of Bliss?
cannot this dream to be a mother be true?
will it never happen?
I feel so fucking old.
yes. I am only 30.
and it was my first pregnancy and people with knowledge and experience will all kindly say: oh but it happens to many women, it's okay, dont worry.
Of course. this should reassure me right?
I should jump the fuck up and rejoice!
it s common, I am not the only one Yay!
don't bring that shit on please!
I have read in all the forum and communities of miscarriage...I do empathise a lot with these women, I understand their pain better than most now but I don't have the words and I cannot even help my self.
I fear to drown.
here are the tears.
I feel I just am so used to this.
suffering.
it's a real path in my life, it's not playing the victim.
I have tried a lot, I keep trying but I cannot ignore there is a lot of pain on this journey of mine.
I wish I could understand why.
I am not a bad person.
Is it my karma? was I someone evil in my past existence?
Did I kill pregnant women during some kind of barbarian wars?
Did I kill children during WW2?
I mean I have so much guilt in me since I was born.
I can remember this.
I chose Jesus because of my grandmother who took me to churche innocently saying we're gonna meet Jesus.
And honestly there was nothing bad to this.
I enjoyed it.
I believed in God by myself, I was just too young to choose a religion.
Nowaday I have chose spirituality and my very own belief.
Because I love many Gods and Goddesses.
I pray and reach the ones I need depending on the time.
I was feeling guilty as a child and wondering if I didn 't deserve love.
I fell hated by my parents who never give me credit at all.
I know he was no bad man he just didn t know how to be my father and his father was not there much so he could not reach out to any good father image.
and my mom hardly cuddle me, rare were the compliments...not cute nickmane...
I wish I had felt loved as a child.
I wish I had felt loved as a teen.
Then when I left my parents, I felt they cared more.
It did never heal the past.
I tried my best to heal it alone.
I tried therapy.
I tried to just let my self fall in depressions.
I just wanted to feel loved.
I was always the giver, the carer, the listener, the healer...and me?
should I live in abnegation for ever?
was I a nurse a nun in my past lives?
Hell!
I am always feeling so much more comfortable writing my worse pain in English.
It's not my mother tongue.
maybe this has some hidden meaning too.
I don't know at all if I have to try therapy again to help me go through this mourning of my hopes...
I so wanted that baby.
I was almost in love already.
dreaming of her.
I felt it was going to be a girl.
just because I so wanted one.
It could have been either one, I wanted a healthy baby to care for, to bring love to, to breed, to show all the beauty of this existence.
I wanted to share so many things with her/him.
It all happen so soon and not.
Because I was almost 11 weeks pregnant.
I was about to see my baby.
and now I am empty.
there is nothing to see in me.
I am empty. dark.hole. nothing.
It feels awful and I cannot help to have some huge anger and hatred for my body and I try to protect myself as much I can from this anger in me.
It's so hard.
I cannot write all this in my real blog because nobody can understand and I don't care to be read or not.
I just need to write for myself not to go insane.
I have to go have a shower.
I really don't feel like it.
But I don't want to have infection after the curettage...so let's go.
I hate it when I wash my sex, only touching it disgust me.
Like it's a locked door,I cant explain this. I feel cut there.
I feel dead there.
I have seen all the warm blood coming out of me.
I bled so much.
had to go emergency room.
It was a real nightmare.
and now I still can't believe it all happen to me.
it seems it's been ages ago. and it's only 3 fucking days ago.
How am I suppose to heal now?
I am trying but every morning I wake up I realise more and more.
I am not pregnant.
I am empty.
There won't be a beautiful pumpkin baby this year.
bye bye dreams of sweetness
goodbye bliss
I would strangle anyone who would dare say it was God's will.
God does not kill your baby.
This is not true.
God is Love, He/She does not want you to hurt the hell.
I am grateful for my man who is truly my best support and he went through this with me.
I do feel alone now because men heal easier and they don't cry, at least mine does not.
well maybe he did once I was in the operation room.
Maybe he was scared to lose me.
maybe.
Now I cannot help myself thinking he could love me less and less.
we didn't have sex in ages, because I already had light brown losses and was worried to have sex while pregnant in the first months.
Then now I am not ready to have sex again.
My libido is surely not dead, the hormones are getting weird.
I have sex dreams a lot.
last night I had a lesbian dream.
This morning I've had nauseas
I feel I am going to live the cycle backwards.
awful.
I have cramps.
I still bleed a little.
It's surely the uterus taking its normal size and place and healing its wounds.
God I so hope I'll be able to be pregnant again this year!
Goddess I so hope I'll be able to bring a beautiful healthy baby to term because I am a mother...
I have always been.
I so love my babies already.
I so want to have at least 3 of them.
I would care so much. I would be there for them.
I would show them how special they are. I would help them trust and love themselves for the person they are.
I would help them in everyway to be the best of themselves.
on the 21st of april we had to do the first ultrasound and really I am not sure how I will handle this day.
My fucking horoscope dared say that that day would be so romantic and beautiful...well...it'll be a mourning day.
I can't believe it all happened.
I wish it were a nightmare.
I am so worried.
I am crying.
I wish I had a friend here to hug me but I am a lonely person. living home since too many years now.
I have tried making friends it's not so easy.
I have friends around the world thanks Internet!
My parents should come this weekend.
I hope I won't bother them with my tears if they have to come.
I know my father is sensitive to them.
I love him so much, he's the sensitive one.
I have hated him for years and then we made peace with time to finally acknowledge we were so similar in many ways.
My mom is the optimistic one who don't dwell long in sadness she moves on fast.
I am not like her at all.
surely there were many women out there in the world who lost their baby on the 4th of April.
My empathy to you all.