Still hopeful
I want to believe I am pregnant again.
I have some little symptoms but nothing much in fact.
but at my first pregnancy I cannot remember having symptoms the very first week of pregnancy?
so maybe there is still hopes for my Rainbow baby.
I so love the term.
I didn't know it , at first I thought that was a baby adopted by lesbian ahah :o)
I am silly.
But it's the baby of our hopes after a miscarriage.
Maybe the symptoms means I'm gonna have my AF back?
whatever.
this or that I'll be fine.
Though being pregnant so soon again would be a sign and such a immense Hope for me.
I want to hold on to this for now.
normally I should AF around the 2nd of May so we'll see.
I so wish to have breast tenderness, this would be the real proof for me that I am pregnant again!
I am wondering if I am not crazy lately , so obsessed with this!
I smile a lot.
I have some down mornings at time.
but I have a lot of strength.
I believe I owe this to April and to the energy around me, I am given so much, I can feel it.
I have looked a lot at scans yesterday, scans at the same date of my very first ones...and to me it already showed the truth!
to me it shows I would miscarry!
I wonder why my gyno did not say anything to at least warn me.
I kinda remember her looking closely, she didn t seem so "happy"
I am not angry at her at all.
I just need to know from her if with the first scan she could have told me more?
Maybe it was my first pregnancy and thus she didn t want to worry me, maybe things could have developped for the best, maybe she wanted to be hopeful?
what would this have changed?
I dont know.
not much it's true, and maybe a lot.
Maybe I would be already pregnant again.
but being pregnant longer with April taught me a lot.
The pain taught me a lot too.
I wouldn't do all the things I have done lately.
I am at a real turning point in my life.
I so want to keep walking that way.
I always fear to regress...
I know I should fear another depression, I am stronger, I've done a lot.
and if my miscarriage did not drown me to the rock bottom then anything is possible!
sometimes it's true I feel a mild guilt not crying anymore about April.
I wonder is it good?
I just want to move on and look forward.
I have accepted, doesn't mean I will forget her.
She's a part of me.
She's in my art, my paintings, my poems,my photos,I am so thankful to her that I could cry for this.
I have tears in my eyes.
But I am so emo lately.
yeah either PMSing or expecting.
I cried watching desperate housewives yesterday.
Edie's death and how she said "how I have lived!"
this is something so important!
I always love these life lesson!
I always wonder why us humans we cannot apply them.
I've often seen this in my parents, how they worry for bullshit, how they quarrel for bullshit.
well okay sometimes some silly couple quarrel are good.
Sometimes I still feel my own parents haven't grown spiritually.
They are very smart, educated, they know a lot about this world, but spiritually they are not so open up.
Though my dad kinda surprised me telling me he was not a total agnostic!
he didn't say more...
ha! but at least he wants to believe in faeries!
with the years I've somehow felt more closeness with my dad than my mom because I have idealised her so much and I don't know.
Even how kind she is she is not showing much of true empathy, tenderness...
sometimes her behaviour can schock me, especially when I told her about my desire to have her by side for my giving birth.
she talks about the money to come here.
I understand we're all in the shit with money right now but some things matter don't they?
I know I've come to terms with this.
My mom is the way she is.
It's also only the way I see her.
I know she cares.
and she's not so selfish because she wanted to help me pay for my new glasses.
but I've finally decided to take less expensive ones, that was ridiculous to pay such an amount for glasses even if they last for years.
I have a lot of work to do, many ideas, inspirations ,everything going everywhere and I need to note everything, to keep track with everything
I also surely need my mind to be busy and excited by creativity and sharing so I don't get so obsessed by pregnancy or not.
I have found a little job for three weeks in May/June.
I'm going to be a nanny and take care of lovely girls.
It'll be sweet.
I have not worked outside for ages!
It is so strange.
Sometimes I truly wonder if I will work again, in the society I mean.
Being an artist is fantastic but it does not pay the rent and bills.
I keep wondering.
I will see how things work out.
Being at home with my children...I so miss them.
I so want them to be a part of my life.
Reminds me Juno.
I have cried before that movie.
I felt I so wanted a baby.
I so believe that pregnant girls should do like Juno.
I know it's a tough decision, but abortion breaks my heart now I've lived miscarriage.
I am not angry at those girls, we all have our reasons to do what we do and I have never ever been anti abortion because to me, it's our body we do what we feel is the best for us.
I guess it must be painful anyways.
There is this girl at some miscarriage forum,she's adorable,she's 22 and she had done abortion and she now feels the huge guilt of this coming back to her because she miscarried.
she seems to have such a very hard time to cope with her pain, it saddens me.
It's strange for me that I have all this strength and even that I feel good because I am still lonely and home alone most of the days.
that's why I am eager for the weekend always to be with my love.
this life is strange lately.
I am just blessed to feel positive energies carrying me so I keep moving on with hopes on my horizons.
We really have to appreciate what we have instead of suffering forever for what we're craving.
I have some little symptoms but nothing much in fact.
but at my first pregnancy I cannot remember having symptoms the very first week of pregnancy?
so maybe there is still hopes for my Rainbow baby.
I so love the term.
I didn't know it , at first I thought that was a baby adopted by lesbian ahah :o)
I am silly.
But it's the baby of our hopes after a miscarriage.
Maybe the symptoms means I'm gonna have my AF back?
whatever.
this or that I'll be fine.
Though being pregnant so soon again would be a sign and such a immense Hope for me.
I want to hold on to this for now.
normally I should AF around the 2nd of May so we'll see.
I so wish to have breast tenderness, this would be the real proof for me that I am pregnant again!
I am wondering if I am not crazy lately , so obsessed with this!
I smile a lot.
I have some down mornings at time.
but I have a lot of strength.
I believe I owe this to April and to the energy around me, I am given so much, I can feel it.
I have looked a lot at scans yesterday, scans at the same date of my very first ones...and to me it already showed the truth!
to me it shows I would miscarry!
I wonder why my gyno did not say anything to at least warn me.
I kinda remember her looking closely, she didn t seem so "happy"
I am not angry at her at all.
I just need to know from her if with the first scan she could have told me more?
Maybe it was my first pregnancy and thus she didn t want to worry me, maybe things could have developped for the best, maybe she wanted to be hopeful?
what would this have changed?
I dont know.
not much it's true, and maybe a lot.
Maybe I would be already pregnant again.
but being pregnant longer with April taught me a lot.
The pain taught me a lot too.
I wouldn't do all the things I have done lately.
I am at a real turning point in my life.
I so want to keep walking that way.
I always fear to regress...
I know I should fear another depression, I am stronger, I've done a lot.
and if my miscarriage did not drown me to the rock bottom then anything is possible!
sometimes it's true I feel a mild guilt not crying anymore about April.
I wonder is it good?
I just want to move on and look forward.
I have accepted, doesn't mean I will forget her.
She's a part of me.
She's in my art, my paintings, my poems,my photos,I am so thankful to her that I could cry for this.
I have tears in my eyes.
But I am so emo lately.
yeah either PMSing or expecting.
I cried watching desperate housewives yesterday.
Edie's death and how she said "how I have lived!"
this is something so important!
I always love these life lesson!
I always wonder why us humans we cannot apply them.
I've often seen this in my parents, how they worry for bullshit, how they quarrel for bullshit.
well okay sometimes some silly couple quarrel are good.
Sometimes I still feel my own parents haven't grown spiritually.
They are very smart, educated, they know a lot about this world, but spiritually they are not so open up.
Though my dad kinda surprised me telling me he was not a total agnostic!
he didn't say more...
ha! but at least he wants to believe in faeries!
with the years I've somehow felt more closeness with my dad than my mom because I have idealised her so much and I don't know.
Even how kind she is she is not showing much of true empathy, tenderness...
sometimes her behaviour can schock me, especially when I told her about my desire to have her by side for my giving birth.
she talks about the money to come here.
I understand we're all in the shit with money right now but some things matter don't they?
I know I've come to terms with this.
My mom is the way she is.
It's also only the way I see her.
I know she cares.
and she's not so selfish because she wanted to help me pay for my new glasses.
but I've finally decided to take less expensive ones, that was ridiculous to pay such an amount for glasses even if they last for years.
I have a lot of work to do, many ideas, inspirations ,everything going everywhere and I need to note everything, to keep track with everything
I also surely need my mind to be busy and excited by creativity and sharing so I don't get so obsessed by pregnancy or not.
I have found a little job for three weeks in May/June.
I'm going to be a nanny and take care of lovely girls.
It'll be sweet.
I have not worked outside for ages!
It is so strange.
Sometimes I truly wonder if I will work again, in the society I mean.
Being an artist is fantastic but it does not pay the rent and bills.
I keep wondering.
I will see how things work out.
Being at home with my children...I so miss them.
I so want them to be a part of my life.
Reminds me Juno.
I have cried before that movie.
I felt I so wanted a baby.
I so believe that pregnant girls should do like Juno.
I know it's a tough decision, but abortion breaks my heart now I've lived miscarriage.
I am not angry at those girls, we all have our reasons to do what we do and I have never ever been anti abortion because to me, it's our body we do what we feel is the best for us.
I guess it must be painful anyways.
There is this girl at some miscarriage forum,she's adorable,she's 22 and she had done abortion and she now feels the huge guilt of this coming back to her because she miscarried.
she seems to have such a very hard time to cope with her pain, it saddens me.
It's strange for me that I have all this strength and even that I feel good because I am still lonely and home alone most of the days.
that's why I am eager for the weekend always to be with my love.
this life is strange lately.
I am just blessed to feel positive energies carrying me so I keep moving on with hopes on my horizons.
We really have to appreciate what we have instead of suffering forever for what we're craving.