(no subject)
My social battery is once again completely DEAD. I want so very much to engage with others, with the world, and in life but I cannot begin to describe how lifeless it makes me feel to not take enough time to be just by myself. And, I need a lot more of this time than others or maybe it's just because not only does time actively interacting with others not count, time spent doing schoolwork or at school does not count even if I am not interacting, time spent at work certainly does not count, any time spent in public does not count, any time my mother is at home does not count, and any time spent messaging of any kind does not count either.
The weekend before last I stood on my feet for 10 hours straight at work then went bowling, to a pub, then watched tv with Nikki...hanging out with her for the first time since I said we should just be friends. She left around 3:30am and I went to bed around 5am. Last Saturday, Cammy popped back up strangely. We went to a gay/lesbian bar in Greenville and left around 1am. She had been doing coke that evening directly before meeting me and was rather chatty. We went back to her apartment and sat in her living room thumbing through books and discussing them. Then laid around in her bed for another couple of hours conversating on various topics.It was the most intellectually stimulating time I've had in awhile and made me realize that I still like her a great deal. I spent the next couple days resenting that and being bogged down with schoolwork. I also spent the week chatting a lot with one of Cammy's online friends who is going through depression and whom I've been trying to help. I then went out with Cammy and 3 other people this Friday, after getting off work at 9, as she invited me along since she'd never met them or something...also seems to now want "a warm body" in her bed and invited me stay over but that didn't happen. After drinking and playing pool, we went back to an apartment where some very strong weed was being passed around. Went around the circle twice before I got uncomfortably jittery, 3 others got noticeably stupid, and Cammy went pale and had to lie down in this apartment. I waited until about 3:30am and Cammy was still immobile so I went ahead and left...about a 50 min. incredibly stoned trek home. I don't know where I left from. I just told them to point me to the interstate. Got home and fell asleep around 5am. Last night, drove a little over an hour to Spartanburg after getting off work. I got there around 11pm. I was visiting the aforementioned girl I've been chatting with. She seems to like me a lot but I don't like her except as a friend and as someone I'd like to help lighten up a bit while she's getting over this depression. It kills me knowing someone else is in that place where sometimes death seems the only way out. Her family was there. Strangely, she has two sisters who are lesbians. Seven people there, loud music and dancing while I sat quietly playing the observer as usual. I got home around 4:30am and went to bed around 5:30am again. I would do anything for the courage to just call out of work tonight and rest.
And, I am just becoming rather discouraged for the most part but still happy to be experiencing new things. I am, however, more convinced that I am totally going to die alone. But, hey, don't we all?
The weekend before last I stood on my feet for 10 hours straight at work then went bowling, to a pub, then watched tv with Nikki...hanging out with her for the first time since I said we should just be friends. She left around 3:30am and I went to bed around 5am. Last Saturday, Cammy popped back up strangely. We went to a gay/lesbian bar in Greenville and left around 1am. She had been doing coke that evening directly before meeting me and was rather chatty. We went back to her apartment and sat in her living room thumbing through books and discussing them. Then laid around in her bed for another couple of hours conversating on various topics.It was the most intellectually stimulating time I've had in awhile and made me realize that I still like her a great deal. I spent the next couple days resenting that and being bogged down with schoolwork. I also spent the week chatting a lot with one of Cammy's online friends who is going through depression and whom I've been trying to help. I then went out with Cammy and 3 other people this Friday, after getting off work at 9, as she invited me along since she'd never met them or something...also seems to now want "a warm body" in her bed and invited me stay over but that didn't happen. After drinking and playing pool, we went back to an apartment where some very strong weed was being passed around. Went around the circle twice before I got uncomfortably jittery, 3 others got noticeably stupid, and Cammy went pale and had to lie down in this apartment. I waited until about 3:30am and Cammy was still immobile so I went ahead and left...about a 50 min. incredibly stoned trek home. I don't know where I left from. I just told them to point me to the interstate. Got home and fell asleep around 5am. Last night, drove a little over an hour to Spartanburg after getting off work. I got there around 11pm. I was visiting the aforementioned girl I've been chatting with. She seems to like me a lot but I don't like her except as a friend and as someone I'd like to help lighten up a bit while she's getting over this depression. It kills me knowing someone else is in that place where sometimes death seems the only way out. Her family was there. Strangely, she has two sisters who are lesbians. Seven people there, loud music and dancing while I sat quietly playing the observer as usual. I got home around 4:30am and went to bed around 5:30am again. I would do anything for the courage to just call out of work tonight and rest.
And, I am just becoming rather discouraged for the most part but still happy to be experiencing new things. I am, however, more convinced that I am totally going to die alone. But, hey, don't we all?