For bubblzey: Never Give Up
Title: Never Give Up
For: bubblzey
Pairings: Sebastian Vettel/Kimi Raikkonen, Felipe Massa/Rob Smedley
Rating: NC-17
Length: 6114w
Summary: Astronaut AU. After a gruelling selection and training process, only two candidates will be chosen to undertake a six month long mission on the ISS (International Space Station.) Sebastian has wanted nothing else his entire life.
Notes: Multiple languages. Hover over for translations.
Ever since he was a kid, Sebastian has dreamt of space.
While other little boys were running cars across their bedroom floors, Sebastian held his hand higher, dragging white plastic shuttles through the air.
Back then, it's cute when he announces he's going to be an astronaut around kid teeth that are too big for his mouth, and his mother swears it's still cute when he does it again at the age of twenty-five.
The only difference is that there's a grain of truth to it now.
When he receives a letter, inviting him to the European Astronaut Centre in Cologne, Germany, he's not ashamed to admit he cries.
-
His long awaited life finally begins with one year of basic training. Basic training starts with orientation. And orientation loosely translates as a meet and greet with all the people he's going to grow to hate over the next couple of years.
He's competitive, so sue him.
It doesn't bother him so much that everyone around him is classed as competition. It's a privilege to make it this far, Sebastian tells himself. But deep down, he knows that's bullshit. He knows that if he doesn't see this through to the end, it's going to kill him.
Only two candidates out of seven will get chosen and, despite his age, he's not even the youngest one here, so he feels heavily handicapped before he's even started.
When he walks into the hall on that first day, his confidence is momentarily shaken when he spots Bruno Senna in the corner and the realist in him knows he hasn't got a chance. Once he shakes the thought free, he makes a note to shake the guy's hand before the day is over. His uncle may have been a legend in the field but it's not going to stop him fighting for what he's wanted his whole life.
There's a shorter Brazilian guy standing by the refreshments table and Sebastian unknowingly gravitates towards him. He introduces himself as Felipe and starts talking to Sebastian as if he's known him all his life, all ready smiles and encouraging enthusiasm and it's really going to hurt when the resentment kicks in. Sebastian breaks away but it's actually a struggle.
Across the room, another man catches his eye. He's broad shouldered and pale skinned and Sebastian would recognise that shade of blond anywhere. Looking him over, there's an old sense of familiarity, so he joins the man up against the wall and leans ever closer to be heard over the hum of the room.
More than once, his oldest friend Heikki has called this ease a fetish but Sebastian prefers to think of it as a cultural appreciation.
"Oletko olevähän vanha tähän?" he asks, hoping his Finnish has survived his childhood without too much decay.
The man tenses. Whether it's because of his proximity or the shock of his mother tongue, Sebastian doesn't know. He waits it out.
"Oletko olevähän tuoretta kohdusta?" he eventually answers in a dry monotone voice and he doesn't even spare Sebastian a glance.
"Twenty-five years too late," Sebastian scoffs, and then narrows his eyes. "So how old are you?"
Now, the man finally turns to glare at him. He's fiddling with the mug of complimentary coffee in his hands as he runs an assessing eye up and down Sebastian. In return, Sebastian notices his eyes are a watery green and cold.
"Older than you," he says over the rim of his mug and then he pushes away from the wall to weave between the other bodies in the room.
Sebastian watches the path he makes, avoiding everyone's touch and attention, and shakes his head in despair.
"Was ein Arschloch."
And that's how he meets Kimi Raikkonen.
-
Actual training starts bright and early the next day.
Strangely, the first step is a first aid course and Sebastian spends the morning being lectured on various horror stories that have happened, way up there where you are beyond anyone's help but your own.
Capsule depressurisation, failure of critical life support, broken ventilation fans leading to carbon dioxide build up in your sleep. God forbid there's ever a fire in the space station. The room laughs at the last mention of ‘space sniffles' caused by extra fluid in the head because a runny nose is going to be the least of their problems.
When practical application rolls around Sebastian immediately feels like the weird kid in school again, sitting in the front row with his hand raised determined in the air. He comes up to the front and the dummy laid out on the table is far from realistic despite their effort of dressing it up in a flight suit.
While the lecturer runs through various scenarios, Sebastian acts accordingly. What better way to show what he has to offer. It doesn't worry him that he's coming across as a sycophant. He's lived through many years of whispered insults and mocking nicknames, he can survive a few years more.
The lecturer doesn't outwardly praise or criticise, just adjusts Sebastian's hands when it's necessary. It seems that one lifeguard exam as a teenager can't teach you everything.
Once he's done Sebastian moves to return to his seat, cataloguing everything he's learnt and in the back row, over the few select heads, he spots the Finnish guy from yesterday. He's blatantly asleep, his head tilted back against the chair, and it's impossible to know how much he's missed.
His disregard boils Sebastian's blood.
-
"Сколько языков вы знаете?"
Christian Horner is a member of the personal training team and he seems to hone in on Sebastian as soon as he walks through the door. He is very impressed by Sebastian's skillsets, he can tell, and he soaks up the praise while trying not to look too desperate for it. He rattles them off his fingertips one by one as Christian nods along.
"Немецкий, английский, французский, финский, Русский, плюс немного испанский."
"That's good." He smiles, slapping Sebastian on the back. "That's very good. Versatility makes for a good interview and that's very important when you're in the spotlight." He winks and Sebastian flushes with pride.
Suddenly those days spent alone in his room learning Russian don't seem so pathetic. He wasn't lying when he said this is all he's ever wanted in life. If only his mother had understood at the time what a difference it makes instead of always ushering him out into the sunlight.
Behind him, he can hear Kimi conversing with his own instructor in a low murmur but the meeting doesn't seem to be going too well. But, hey, at least he's awake this time. Sebastian turns back to watch him.
"№," Kimi says, the Russian pronunciation tripping uneasy off his tongue.
Across the table, his instructor waves his hands in a ‘go on' gesture. "Try elaborating."
And Kimi's clearly thinking hard. He runs a hand over his face and hunches forward in his chair. After a too long pause, he elaborates. "Ваш, отрицательные?"
Sebastian smothers a smug grin behind his hand.
His instructor just sighs.
-
"Kimi, I'm not saying this again. Use your radio."
Sebastian smirks, hidden safely in his suit, and continues to work as fast as his hands will allow. He's still slow, the displacement of water all around him is an odd sensation when he can breathe in and out without a scuba mask, but at least he isn't the one being moaned at by ground control.
The radio crackles in his own hood as all communication is wired through everyone to help ease the mission and Kimi comes through as flat toned as he does on land.
"I will talk when I have something to say."
"You're meant to be talking us through the process," Control reminds him, edging ever slightly into frustration. "It's how we can know you're implementing what we're teaching you."
"Unhooking port two," Sebastian cuts in and Control's ‘copy that' is exaggerated for Kimi's benefit, stretching his smirk into a smile.
While he works, he finds himself subtly floating towards the surface of the pool and he wraps his only tether tighter around his leg. He's pictured this so many times and the wide expanse of space at his back feels as real as it did as a kid. It doesn't even cross his mind that he's safely ensconced in Texas. In order to do this to a perfect standard, he must picture the real thing and imagine that his survival relies solely on the completion of this mission.
So he works, fuelled by the promise of his one and only dream. And a lot of good that does him.
"The problem is fixed," Kimi interrupts, eight minutes later, and Sebastian almost pierces his suit with a screwdriver when he twitches.
There's a flurry in the water current with Kimi supposedly sealing the machine back up and it's more than enough of a distraction to bring Sebastian back to this vast tank of water and not the deep reaches of space.
"Our readouts confirm this. Good work. You can surface now and we'll go over the video playback. Maybe you'll talk us through that instead." Background laughter echoes through Sebastian's headset and it's so foreign at this depth, so wrong, his stomach twists. "Vettel, an ETA?" Control adds and all humour is gone.
The instruments blur through his visor. He can't escape the feeling that he's a complete failure. "Two minutes," he says, with no real clue, and his hands are shaking inside his suit.
"Just remember to keep calm and never rush," Control says kindly but it sounds a lot like a reprimand to him.
Kimi ascends opposite and he's not just talking about the pool.
-
Felipe immediately waves him over when Sebastian enters the canteen some six months into their training. He's not alone and Sebastian feels slightly ashamed that he doesn't know much about anyone else further than their score on the latest test.
He joins their table and recognises everyone but the man next to Felipe who has his arm draped over the back of Felipe's chair. He's sporting a beard born of laziness and is wearing a uniform similar to the crew and not the candidates. Sebastian wants to kick himself over the fact that he's jealous of both the beard and Felipe's obvious foot in the door.
"How are you doing?" Felipe asks, his tone welcoming, if a bit teasing. "Sick of this place yet?"
"No," Sebastian immediately answers, maybe too quickly, maybe too defensively, but with the guy sitting next to Felipe, he really can't be too careful. "I love it here; it's everything I've ever wanted."
The bearded guy grins. "Dial it back a bit, sunshine. You're allowed to be a bit miserable. Two years of this, same shit, same people," here, he nudges Felipe pointedly in the back, "it's enough drive anyone crazy." He sounds English, Sebastian notes as he continues, but not posh English, "The first time, Felipe here lasted about a month before he came running to me."
"The first time?"
Something dark passes over Felipe's face, something terrible and deep reaching, but it's quickly replaced by a shrug and a wry smile. "I went through training before, yes. But…didn't work out. Was not for nothing, though, and Rob is right, is normal to struggle at first."
The bearded guy, presumably Rob, snakes a hand up into Felipe's hair at that moment and shoves his head forward like an older brother pestering the younger and Sebastian wonders just what their relationship really is because he's struggling to pinpoint it.
Over their shoulders, a blur of bed hair and check shorts catches his eye. It's Kimi and he walks in, grabs an apple and leaves straight after, tossing the fruit from hand to hand. He doesn't even bother to look over at the table of his colleagues. Not even a smile or a wave.
Sebastian makes a noise of displeasure and the others also look up and twist in their seats, getting only a glimpse of Kimi's shirt tails before he's gone again.
"I can't believe that guy," Sebastian says.
While he's not actively looking for them, he keeps finding more and more things to dislike about the man. He struts around with no regard for anyone but himself and here Sebastian is using up his valuable time to get to know everyone a little better. The nerve of the man.
Felipe tilts his head, adding a barely there lift and drop of his shoulder. "Kimi? He is alright. A funny guy."
Sebastian's already frowning in disagreement before his words truly register. "Wait," he says, "he talks to you?"
Felipe gives Sebastian an odd look. "Of course."
Rob nods with him. "He doesn't say much but he's smart. Knows what he's doing. Pretty motivated too, from what I've seen."
"He is like you," Felipe adds, nodding towards Sebastian.
"He's a dick," Sebastian corrects and he clearly sees the look they share over his bowed head and doesn't want to dwell on why they are so readily able to admit that when they barely know him.
Sebastian deigns to join them for breakfast more often if they really think he's anything like Kimi. That'll show them.
-
Christian intercepts him on the last day of November as he's returning exhausted to his room. He drapes his arm protectively around Sebastian's shoulder and grips the back of his neck to steer him into an empty corridor. He then presses him to the wall and, by now, Sebastian is already constructing horror stories in his head. It's quite possible he's going to burst into tears if Christian tells him it's over. But Christian surprises him.
"I shouldn't be telling you this but the higher ups, the ones who are going to be making this decision, well they're looking at you and Raikkonen."
Rational thought all but shatters in Sebastian's brain. He makes a noise but it's bordering on a whine which Christian thankfully ignores in favour of throwing a look over his shoulder.
"The deciding factor is whether you two can be in a room together for longer than five minutes. It's no secret you don't like him. Do you understand?" Christian drives his fingers into Sebastian's chest, five simple points of pressure, and it's more than enough to get his message across.
Sebastian nods, as he can do little else. He's already busy formulating a completely different game plan.
-
He makes a point to smile at Kimi the next time he sees him and gets a blank stare in return.
Sebastian considers he might need a stronger plan.
-
On its most basic level, astronaut training consists largely of self-discipline.
The list of things you can't do is a lot longer than the things you can. Sebastian has made sacrifices all his life so it's a wonder to him why Kimi is even on the higher up's radar considering indulgence seems to be his neutral setting.
The bright chaotic streets of Tsukuba spell temptation but his desire to travel isn't just relegated to space, it includes Earth too, and Sebastian tries to get out of the training centre when he can.
He asks around before he leaves the base and it seems Kimi spends more time in the city than he does his own room. The crew still appear fond of him though, and are readily able to point Sebastian in the right direction when he asks where to find him off site. With only a history of blank stares to draw from, it's a mystery to him how Kimi can be so popular, it really is.
He tracks him down in a sushi place about ten minutes from their door.
Despite neither speaking a language the other can understand, Kimi is grinning at the waitress who, after serving him his lunch, is now retelling some kind of hurried anecdote entirely with her hands. Sebastian approaches their table in a daze, completely drawn to the relaxed picture they make. That is until, over her shoulder, Kimi spots him and immediately shuts down. Language barrier be damned, their waitress notices too and quickly retreats as Sebastian drops into the seat opposite.
"Tarvitsen uuden paikka syödä nyt," Kimi mutters under his breath.
"I speak Finnish," Sebastian reminds him but instead of being embarrassed, Kimi's glare sharpens. "What was she saying to you?"
Kimi shrugs. "I don't know," he says. "It could be the same thing every time I come here. It's not the point."
Awkward silence then takes over and all Sebastian wants is to crack this concrete wall of a man. Why is it that everyone else has no problem? What is he doing wrong?
"Why do you hate me?" he asks, as bluntness is a trait Kimi seems to admire so he takes a shot.
Kimi shrugs again but once he sees that it might not be enough of an answer, he sighs and digs a fraction deeper. "I don't hate you. I don't know you."
It offers Sebastian no further insight but it's still a relief to hear. He tries a different tactic.
"Did you always want to be an astronaut?"
Kimi raises an eyebrow at the shift but relaxes enough that he pulls his forgotten lunch closer, hunching over the bowl. "No," he offers simply and Sebastian nods.
"I've been on the fast track for this all my life," Sebastian goes on. "I've done everything I could think of to get here, everything that was within my reach. Courses on physics, biology, engineering, learnt a handful of languages, flight training, medical courses, everything. All to get this placement. It's sad really; I was the worst kind of kid." He hears Kimi snort into his lunch, not disagreeing. "What were you doing before this?"
"Test pilot; Finnish army," he explains, no nonsense, and Sebastian can picture him now, mirrored shades and all.
"And if this doesn't happen?"
Kimi pulls a face. "Never give up."
And it sounds a lot like a personal mantra, something Sebastian would have wrote in block letters and pasted on his ceiling as a kid, framed by his glow in the dark stars. He can't picture tiny Kimi doing the same. Hell, he can barely picture Kimi young and blindly aspiring anyway.
There's a kind of floral centrepiece on the table and Sebastian finds himself picking at it while he watches Kimi eat. The air between them is slightly less awkward now and guards are being lowered all around.
"So what did you want to be as a kid?" he asks, well aware that he's probably pushing his luck and Kimi certainly takes his time in answering, making him think he's crossed a line of some sort.
"Jäätelö mies." Kimi throws it out between bites and Sebastian chokes on his laugh, not expecting that in the slightest.
There's a hint of a smile on Kimi's face before he ducks his head and Sebastian's initial understanding of this guy changes in an instant. He's weird, for sure, but Sebastian knows he's not the easiest person to get along with either. He's also starting to understand why everyone smiles when they manage to slip Kimi's name into conversation. It's because earning this guy's regard is an achievement in itself.
Never give up, Sebastian repeats in his head. He really means that, and Sebastian can't help but respect him for it.
-
The simulations are not supposed to be fun. They are a tool. They are a test. They are a means of putting each candidate through a high pressure, high adrenaline situation where the effects are as real as they can manage, barring actually firing them in space. And, despite knowing all this, Sebastian loves every second of it.
His only hope is that his blinding grin doesn't detract him any points in the assessment because he is on form today if Christian's acknowledging nod is anything to go by.
On the downside, he was always going to look good with Kimi as his partner as the simulations are somewhat less than successful for him. And knowing what he knows now, the fact that they are always paired together for exercises makes so much more sense. Though, it does take a moment for Sebastian to remember he likes Kimi now and he's not supposed to get pleasure from seeing him fail.
The moment they are released from the simulation, Kimi staggers from the room and collapses onto the bench just outside the door. Sebastian hovers, unsure of how far they've come in their relationship that he would be allowed to see him at his worst. He's also afraid that his constant smile is going to come across as insensitive.
"Trust you to enjoy it," Kimi says, sounding rather rough, with his head bent so low it's near enough between his knees.
Sebastian smile dims, giving him and the entire bench a wide berth. "Are you going to be sick?"
Kimi grits his teeth. "For the last time, no. It's not motion sickness, it's a headache. The whole thing gives me one big headache. Vittu."
Sebastian shuffles from foot to foot, glancing up and down the hallway. "You know, this is probably going to reflect poorly on you," he says.
"Haista vittu," Kimi spits back.
"I'm just saying maybe you should go and explain to them that it's just the process here and not the real thing that's giving you problems." Kimi just continues to massage his temples and Sebastian sighs. "Do you want some water?"
"What I want is those extra hours back in bed." He sucks in air through his teeth, putting on a show of pulling himself back together and adding a little softer, "Yes, I want some water."
He pats Kimi rather ineffectively as he passes in search of a water cooler. It's the least he can do after hating the guy for so long and with no real reason.
Christian quickly finds him and latches onto Sebastian's arm as he's making his way back to the bench with a paper cup of chilled water. He only has positive things to say about his performance today but as they stand in that corridor, with spilt water dripping off the ends of his fingers, Sebastian can only find the words to defend Kimi.
It's probably the nicest thing he's ever done.
-
Their roles are somewhat reversed by the time they actually get up in the air.
They're flown back to Texas early one morning with constant warnings about what the crew have affectionately nicknamed the ‘vomit comet' and, an hour later, they're back up in American airspace decked out in heavy flight suits.
The first few dives the excitement cancels out the nausea, but by the tenth Sebastian wishes he'd forgone breakfast altogether. If only it wasn't so hard to refuse Felipe when he continues to invite him over so nicely.
He loses count how many twenty second bursts of weightlessness they go through; fifty, maybe sixty, he only knows that he wants it stop. Sweat trickles down his face and inside the suit claustrophobia's claws are creeping up on him. It's never been a problem before; being at the bottom of that pool in Texas had been strangely relaxing until his blind hatred had pulled him out of it. But now, swapping depth for height, his breath is stifling when it hits the suit and comes back twice as hot.
Kimi, on the other hand, relishes it and it's plain to see. With his history of being a test pilot it's not too surprising and within the single hour, he's manages to erase his less than stellar performance in the simulator and shows off his talents where it counts: the real thing.
Looking around, no other candidate is faring as well as Kimi and Sebastian can only cling to that tiny hope as they run through drills no one cares about.
Back on solid ground, Kimi is the only one to walk out without a wobble in his step. He's fighting an actual smile and he takes one look at Sebastian's sweaty, green tinged face and straight away offers to fetch him a glass of water. Sebastian rolls his eyes and laughs along but isn't too surprised that Kimi then wanders off, happier than he's ever seen him, and never actually follows through with his offer.
Sebastian is left to find his own drink with similarly glazed candidates but it's probably for the best; the good natured teasing from the guy who's usually so blank is weird enough.
-
On one otherwise unassuming morning, Kimi joins the rest of them for breakfast. He chats amicably with everyone up and down the benched seats and all the while his thigh presses hot against Sebastian's, despite the surplus of room on his other side.
It's the shock of the situation that has Sebastian distracted as everyone continues to speak around him. That's what he tells himself.
-
Kimi finds him in the gym several weeks later.
He plucks the headphones unapologetically from his ears and Sebastian is being handed a bottle of water before his legs have fully stopped cycling.
"Felipe's out," he says, apropos of nothing.
And Sebastian chokes on his drink. "What?"
"Accident."
"What kind of accident? Is he hurt?"
"He's okay but he's out of the programme. Smedley is with him now."
"Oh mein Gott. I can't even imagine. This is going to kill him."
Kimi narrows his eyes, giving him that look that means he's pissed and trying not to show it. He gets it often when Sebastian forgets to shield his desperation for this life, even worse when he projects it onto somebody else. "He is alive," he says evenly. "That is what matters."
Kimi then takes the edge of Sebastian's sleeve between his fingers and pulls. It takes a few tugs for Sebastian to understand he's supposed to follow the motion and he climbs off the exercise bike with jelly legs.
"Come on," Kimi prompts, "We'll drink to him."
Sebastian goes about collecting his belongings to leave but he also can't help but roll his eyes. It's not the first time Kimi's tried to foist the Russian nightlife on him except, right now, he's struggling to come up with a reason to say no.
"It should have been him for that last mission. Did he ever tell you that?" Kimi is mentally willing him to stop talking, he can feel it, but the pain he had felt for Felipe then has only doubled now, hearing the news that all his hard work has been in vain once again. "Apparently they changed their minds at the last second."
The very idea turns Sebastian's stomach. How they could offer a man his dream on a plate and then snatch it away again like it never mattered, he just doesn't understand.
Kimi's hand brushes his back as they head for the door. It's not comfort because Kimi doesn't do that, not for him. "We will drink double then," he says and it's as close to sorrow as it gets.
Sebastian can only stare at the man who has is swiftly becoming his best friend and is struck by how inversely young he looks in this moment. He may often make old man jokes but that's because he suspects Kimi enjoys a little push and pull in their relationship. Right now, he looks young and uncertain and Sebastian is truly grateful that neither one on them has to be alone in this journey.
He swings his bag up onto his shoulder and catches up to Kimi's sedate pace. The idea of going out to get blind drunk is somewhat foreign to him but he'll do it for Felipe. Although, it seems Kimi needs it more than either of them.
"You do know they don't let alcoholics be astronauts, right?"
Kimi's guttural laugh is something he's never heard before but could easily get used to.
-
"I'm so sorry," is the first thing Sebastian can think to say as he shakes Felipe's hand a week later. He doesn't exactly look well, with bruises around his eyes and a tremble in his fingers, but he smiles easily enough.
"For sure, it would be nice," Felipe shrugs, and there's only a hint of bitter disappointment. "But they offer me a job here instead so…is not all bad."
His smile turns bashful and Sebastian follows his gaze to the console against the wall. Rob is there filling out paperwork, his back hastily turned to them, like he didn't want to get caught looking.
"Rob seems happy to keep me on the ground anyway," Felipe adds. "Says I can cause trouble here instead. Where he can keep his eyes on me."
Felipe chuckles and Sebastian is helpless against joining in. The fond looks being trading between them all year have been impossible to miss and it seems as though Felipe's life has not been destroyed by not going the way he intended it to.
The sheer relief that it is possible to come back from rejection is making Sebastian giddy. He's never quite believed it but the proof is right here in front of him. While he knows the likelihood is high, on the off chance he isn't chosen at the end of all this, there may just be hope for him yet.
-
The full two years pass in a rush.
It's mid-October when a frantic knock on his door wakes him up. He's beyond tired and he contemplates staying where he is, hoping whoever it is gets the message. But they don't.
Sebastian drags himself across the room, grumbling the whole way, and throws open the door only to be met with Christian on the other side.
"You're in," he says and the world stops.
The doorframe digs painfully into Sebastian's back when he falls into it, but it's also the only thing keeping him on his feet. His eyes immediately well up and Christian is a vague blur in front of him as he nods over and over in confirmation.
"I…I can't…" He starts laughing, sounding so wet and pathetic that Christian joins him, slapping a hand to Sebastian's face and squeezing it in proud fatherly admiration. Sebastian just can't believe it. "Who…who else?"
Christian rolls his eyes, finally pulling away and slotting his hands into his pockets. "Raikkonen," he says and there's a completely different tone in his voice than the last time they were in this position. He even smiles and Sebastian's heart swells. The joy he feels surprises even himself. "They'll be an official ceremony tomorrow," Christian adds, trying to bring a semblance of professionalism to this and misses by a mile. "Try to act surprised."
Sebastian beams as he pulls Christian into a hug and Christian laughs good naturedly while pushing him away. He then steals off into the night, like some roaming spectre of good news and there's no way Sebastian is going to be able to fall back asleep. Not after this.
As he stumbles back across the room, he's hit with the sudden urge to see his mother. He wants to see her face when he tells her he's an astronaut now, and fully mean it. Dropping on top of his bed, he stares up at the hastily scrawled ‘NEVER GIVE UP' on his ceiling and once again he isn't ashamed to admit he cries.
-
They are high on success when they stumble into Sebastian's room.
Tomorrow marks the culmination of twenty-seven years hard work. Everything Sebastian has done is leading up to this moment. And at the end of it all, here they are, the two unlikeliest picks of the bunch; the German scab and the stoic old man, currently slumped together on Sebastian's rarely used bed, laughing over something neither one can pinpoint. Stone cold sober and laughing deep, full body wheezes that de-age Kimi's face several decades and Sebastian just can't stop pressing, poking, and prodding.
He supposes it's a long time coming that they're suddenly on each other, hands just about everywhere and their mouths meeting somewhere in the middle.
Nerves are instantly on fire and every little touch between them feels drawn out and exaggerated. Kimi's bulk moves to settle over his knees and Sebastian is in heaven. While he kneads the muscles in his thighs, he thinks, where ever he is, he owes Heikki an apology because if this isn't a fetish then what is.
Sebastian goes straight for the button on Kimi's jean and Kimi must approve because he lifts up slightly to give him a better angle. His breath is then punched out of him when Sebastian slides his hand from his stomach, with the strip of skin on show, all the way down until he brushes the base of his cock.
A dry grope has Kimi panting in his ear so he spares a moment to spit in the palm of his hand before sliding his now slick hand back into his jeans.
While he rapidly jacks him off, Kimi's fingers attack the buttons on Sebastian's shirt with an accuracy that is quickly depleting. By the time he's in, he's also shuddering in pleasure and spilling over onto Sebastian's hand.
"I thought you old guys were supposed to have stamina?" Sebastian laughs, wiping his hand on the edge of the bedspread. There's only one night left and he doubts he's going to spend it sleeping anyway.
Kimi grunts, still lost in his come down, and Sebastian can only stare in awe at his flushed face. This close, it's so fucking hot and the strain in his jeans is getting painful.
He hooks his hand under Kimi's chin to lick his way into his mouth and it's dirty and wet everything he missed out on as a teenager. Rutting together with their clothes still mostly on, Sebastian feels like he's back in his younger self's fantasies. There's no way he could have known all his dreams would come true in a matter of hours.
Kimi absently presses the heel of his palm into the front of Sebastian's jean as he shifts into a better position, one that puts less strain on his legs, and Sebastian bucks up helplessly, wanting more of that pressure. They continue to kiss languidly and as Kimi regains his bearings he starts to give back more, shifts his hips a little faster and cups Sebastian's painfully hard cock a little firmer.
After what seems like an age, Kimi twists his face away, distancing them both with his hands on Sebastian's shoulders. When he speaks, he sounds winded. "We can't do this again," and he seeks out Sebastian's eyes to prove how serious he is.
Though, in all honesty, Sebastian's mind is reeling. He nods in understanding but all he's thinking about is getting Kimi's hands back on him. Tomorrow barely exists right now and when he says, "I know that, I know," he's lying.
He drags Kimi back to him, latching onto his mouth because it's where he belongs.
Kimi goes with it for a while before breaking away again and sliding to the floor between Sebastian's knees. There's a glaze of lust in his eyes and it's their last night on Earth. Why not go out with a bang?
-
Everything leading up to the launch is a blur. Things are said to him, pages are shoved under his nose to sign and hands touch him all over as they direct him into a flight suit.
He doesn't even see Kimi until they're both strapped into their seats and when he smiles nervously at him, he gets a flash of what the man's skin felt like against his own, but then it's gone because they are brothers in this. From now until they're in orbit, he's the left brain while Kimi is the right.
They both need to do their part to get this mission off the ground.
"Näytätlapsi kyseisessä värissä," Kimi says, and his voice sounds no different here than it does right after he's come and the knowledge makes Sebastian shiver.
"Tunnen sen." Honestly, he's never felt so small, so insignificant, stuck in a situation so much bigger than himself.
He's got six months alone with Kimi to go over and over what happened last night. Sure, he'll be busy for a lot of it but he'll also be mind-numbingly bored at times and it's only a small station once you're up there.
It dawns on him, as the countdown echoes through his head, Kimi was right. It can't happen again.
It's going to be a long six months.
For: bubblzey
Pairings: Sebastian Vettel/Kimi Raikkonen, Felipe Massa/Rob Smedley
Rating: NC-17
Length: 6114w
Summary: Astronaut AU. After a gruelling selection and training process, only two candidates will be chosen to undertake a six month long mission on the ISS (International Space Station.) Sebastian has wanted nothing else his entire life.
Notes: Multiple languages. Hover over for translations.
Ever since he was a kid, Sebastian has dreamt of space.
While other little boys were running cars across their bedroom floors, Sebastian held his hand higher, dragging white plastic shuttles through the air.
Back then, it's cute when he announces he's going to be an astronaut around kid teeth that are too big for his mouth, and his mother swears it's still cute when he does it again at the age of twenty-five.
The only difference is that there's a grain of truth to it now.
When he receives a letter, inviting him to the European Astronaut Centre in Cologne, Germany, he's not ashamed to admit he cries.
-
His long awaited life finally begins with one year of basic training. Basic training starts with orientation. And orientation loosely translates as a meet and greet with all the people he's going to grow to hate over the next couple of years.
He's competitive, so sue him.
It doesn't bother him so much that everyone around him is classed as competition. It's a privilege to make it this far, Sebastian tells himself. But deep down, he knows that's bullshit. He knows that if he doesn't see this through to the end, it's going to kill him.
Only two candidates out of seven will get chosen and, despite his age, he's not even the youngest one here, so he feels heavily handicapped before he's even started.
When he walks into the hall on that first day, his confidence is momentarily shaken when he spots Bruno Senna in the corner and the realist in him knows he hasn't got a chance. Once he shakes the thought free, he makes a note to shake the guy's hand before the day is over. His uncle may have been a legend in the field but it's not going to stop him fighting for what he's wanted his whole life.
There's a shorter Brazilian guy standing by the refreshments table and Sebastian unknowingly gravitates towards him. He introduces himself as Felipe and starts talking to Sebastian as if he's known him all his life, all ready smiles and encouraging enthusiasm and it's really going to hurt when the resentment kicks in. Sebastian breaks away but it's actually a struggle.
Across the room, another man catches his eye. He's broad shouldered and pale skinned and Sebastian would recognise that shade of blond anywhere. Looking him over, there's an old sense of familiarity, so he joins the man up against the wall and leans ever closer to be heard over the hum of the room.
More than once, his oldest friend Heikki has called this ease a fetish but Sebastian prefers to think of it as a cultural appreciation.
"Oletko olevähän vanha tähän?" he asks, hoping his Finnish has survived his childhood without too much decay.
The man tenses. Whether it's because of his proximity or the shock of his mother tongue, Sebastian doesn't know. He waits it out.
"Oletko olevähän tuoretta kohdusta?" he eventually answers in a dry monotone voice and he doesn't even spare Sebastian a glance.
"Twenty-five years too late," Sebastian scoffs, and then narrows his eyes. "So how old are you?"
Now, the man finally turns to glare at him. He's fiddling with the mug of complimentary coffee in his hands as he runs an assessing eye up and down Sebastian. In return, Sebastian notices his eyes are a watery green and cold.
"Older than you," he says over the rim of his mug and then he pushes away from the wall to weave between the other bodies in the room.
Sebastian watches the path he makes, avoiding everyone's touch and attention, and shakes his head in despair.
"Was ein Arschloch."
And that's how he meets Kimi Raikkonen.
-
Actual training starts bright and early the next day.
Strangely, the first step is a first aid course and Sebastian spends the morning being lectured on various horror stories that have happened, way up there where you are beyond anyone's help but your own.
Capsule depressurisation, failure of critical life support, broken ventilation fans leading to carbon dioxide build up in your sleep. God forbid there's ever a fire in the space station. The room laughs at the last mention of ‘space sniffles' caused by extra fluid in the head because a runny nose is going to be the least of their problems.
When practical application rolls around Sebastian immediately feels like the weird kid in school again, sitting in the front row with his hand raised determined in the air. He comes up to the front and the dummy laid out on the table is far from realistic despite their effort of dressing it up in a flight suit.
While the lecturer runs through various scenarios, Sebastian acts accordingly. What better way to show what he has to offer. It doesn't worry him that he's coming across as a sycophant. He's lived through many years of whispered insults and mocking nicknames, he can survive a few years more.
The lecturer doesn't outwardly praise or criticise, just adjusts Sebastian's hands when it's necessary. It seems that one lifeguard exam as a teenager can't teach you everything.
Once he's done Sebastian moves to return to his seat, cataloguing everything he's learnt and in the back row, over the few select heads, he spots the Finnish guy from yesterday. He's blatantly asleep, his head tilted back against the chair, and it's impossible to know how much he's missed.
His disregard boils Sebastian's blood.
-
"Сколько языков вы знаете?"
Christian Horner is a member of the personal training team and he seems to hone in on Sebastian as soon as he walks through the door. He is very impressed by Sebastian's skillsets, he can tell, and he soaks up the praise while trying not to look too desperate for it. He rattles them off his fingertips one by one as Christian nods along.
"Немецкий, английский, французский, финский, Русский, плюс немного испанский."
"That's good." He smiles, slapping Sebastian on the back. "That's very good. Versatility makes for a good interview and that's very important when you're in the spotlight." He winks and Sebastian flushes with pride.
Suddenly those days spent alone in his room learning Russian don't seem so pathetic. He wasn't lying when he said this is all he's ever wanted in life. If only his mother had understood at the time what a difference it makes instead of always ushering him out into the sunlight.
Behind him, he can hear Kimi conversing with his own instructor in a low murmur but the meeting doesn't seem to be going too well. But, hey, at least he's awake this time. Sebastian turns back to watch him.
"№," Kimi says, the Russian pronunciation tripping uneasy off his tongue.
Across the table, his instructor waves his hands in a ‘go on' gesture. "Try elaborating."
And Kimi's clearly thinking hard. He runs a hand over his face and hunches forward in his chair. After a too long pause, he elaborates. "Ваш, отрицательные?"
Sebastian smothers a smug grin behind his hand.
His instructor just sighs.
-
"Kimi, I'm not saying this again. Use your radio."
Sebastian smirks, hidden safely in his suit, and continues to work as fast as his hands will allow. He's still slow, the displacement of water all around him is an odd sensation when he can breathe in and out without a scuba mask, but at least he isn't the one being moaned at by ground control.
The radio crackles in his own hood as all communication is wired through everyone to help ease the mission and Kimi comes through as flat toned as he does on land.
"I will talk when I have something to say."
"You're meant to be talking us through the process," Control reminds him, edging ever slightly into frustration. "It's how we can know you're implementing what we're teaching you."
"Unhooking port two," Sebastian cuts in and Control's ‘copy that' is exaggerated for Kimi's benefit, stretching his smirk into a smile.
While he works, he finds himself subtly floating towards the surface of the pool and he wraps his only tether tighter around his leg. He's pictured this so many times and the wide expanse of space at his back feels as real as it did as a kid. It doesn't even cross his mind that he's safely ensconced in Texas. In order to do this to a perfect standard, he must picture the real thing and imagine that his survival relies solely on the completion of this mission.
So he works, fuelled by the promise of his one and only dream. And a lot of good that does him.
"The problem is fixed," Kimi interrupts, eight minutes later, and Sebastian almost pierces his suit with a screwdriver when he twitches.
There's a flurry in the water current with Kimi supposedly sealing the machine back up and it's more than enough of a distraction to bring Sebastian back to this vast tank of water and not the deep reaches of space.
"Our readouts confirm this. Good work. You can surface now and we'll go over the video playback. Maybe you'll talk us through that instead." Background laughter echoes through Sebastian's headset and it's so foreign at this depth, so wrong, his stomach twists. "Vettel, an ETA?" Control adds and all humour is gone.
The instruments blur through his visor. He can't escape the feeling that he's a complete failure. "Two minutes," he says, with no real clue, and his hands are shaking inside his suit.
"Just remember to keep calm and never rush," Control says kindly but it sounds a lot like a reprimand to him.
Kimi ascends opposite and he's not just talking about the pool.
-
Felipe immediately waves him over when Sebastian enters the canteen some six months into their training. He's not alone and Sebastian feels slightly ashamed that he doesn't know much about anyone else further than their score on the latest test.
He joins their table and recognises everyone but the man next to Felipe who has his arm draped over the back of Felipe's chair. He's sporting a beard born of laziness and is wearing a uniform similar to the crew and not the candidates. Sebastian wants to kick himself over the fact that he's jealous of both the beard and Felipe's obvious foot in the door.
"How are you doing?" Felipe asks, his tone welcoming, if a bit teasing. "Sick of this place yet?"
"No," Sebastian immediately answers, maybe too quickly, maybe too defensively, but with the guy sitting next to Felipe, he really can't be too careful. "I love it here; it's everything I've ever wanted."
The bearded guy grins. "Dial it back a bit, sunshine. You're allowed to be a bit miserable. Two years of this, same shit, same people," here, he nudges Felipe pointedly in the back, "it's enough drive anyone crazy." He sounds English, Sebastian notes as he continues, but not posh English, "The first time, Felipe here lasted about a month before he came running to me."
"The first time?"
Something dark passes over Felipe's face, something terrible and deep reaching, but it's quickly replaced by a shrug and a wry smile. "I went through training before, yes. But…didn't work out. Was not for nothing, though, and Rob is right, is normal to struggle at first."
The bearded guy, presumably Rob, snakes a hand up into Felipe's hair at that moment and shoves his head forward like an older brother pestering the younger and Sebastian wonders just what their relationship really is because he's struggling to pinpoint it.
Over their shoulders, a blur of bed hair and check shorts catches his eye. It's Kimi and he walks in, grabs an apple and leaves straight after, tossing the fruit from hand to hand. He doesn't even bother to look over at the table of his colleagues. Not even a smile or a wave.
Sebastian makes a noise of displeasure and the others also look up and twist in their seats, getting only a glimpse of Kimi's shirt tails before he's gone again.
"I can't believe that guy," Sebastian says.
While he's not actively looking for them, he keeps finding more and more things to dislike about the man. He struts around with no regard for anyone but himself and here Sebastian is using up his valuable time to get to know everyone a little better. The nerve of the man.
Felipe tilts his head, adding a barely there lift and drop of his shoulder. "Kimi? He is alright. A funny guy."
Sebastian's already frowning in disagreement before his words truly register. "Wait," he says, "he talks to you?"
Felipe gives Sebastian an odd look. "Of course."
Rob nods with him. "He doesn't say much but he's smart. Knows what he's doing. Pretty motivated too, from what I've seen."
"He is like you," Felipe adds, nodding towards Sebastian.
"He's a dick," Sebastian corrects and he clearly sees the look they share over his bowed head and doesn't want to dwell on why they are so readily able to admit that when they barely know him.
Sebastian deigns to join them for breakfast more often if they really think he's anything like Kimi. That'll show them.
-
Christian intercepts him on the last day of November as he's returning exhausted to his room. He drapes his arm protectively around Sebastian's shoulder and grips the back of his neck to steer him into an empty corridor. He then presses him to the wall and, by now, Sebastian is already constructing horror stories in his head. It's quite possible he's going to burst into tears if Christian tells him it's over. But Christian surprises him.
"I shouldn't be telling you this but the higher ups, the ones who are going to be making this decision, well they're looking at you and Raikkonen."
Rational thought all but shatters in Sebastian's brain. He makes a noise but it's bordering on a whine which Christian thankfully ignores in favour of throwing a look over his shoulder.
"The deciding factor is whether you two can be in a room together for longer than five minutes. It's no secret you don't like him. Do you understand?" Christian drives his fingers into Sebastian's chest, five simple points of pressure, and it's more than enough to get his message across.
Sebastian nods, as he can do little else. He's already busy formulating a completely different game plan.
-
He makes a point to smile at Kimi the next time he sees him and gets a blank stare in return.
Sebastian considers he might need a stronger plan.
-
On its most basic level, astronaut training consists largely of self-discipline.
The list of things you can't do is a lot longer than the things you can. Sebastian has made sacrifices all his life so it's a wonder to him why Kimi is even on the higher up's radar considering indulgence seems to be his neutral setting.
The bright chaotic streets of Tsukuba spell temptation but his desire to travel isn't just relegated to space, it includes Earth too, and Sebastian tries to get out of the training centre when he can.
He asks around before he leaves the base and it seems Kimi spends more time in the city than he does his own room. The crew still appear fond of him though, and are readily able to point Sebastian in the right direction when he asks where to find him off site. With only a history of blank stares to draw from, it's a mystery to him how Kimi can be so popular, it really is.
He tracks him down in a sushi place about ten minutes from their door.
Despite neither speaking a language the other can understand, Kimi is grinning at the waitress who, after serving him his lunch, is now retelling some kind of hurried anecdote entirely with her hands. Sebastian approaches their table in a daze, completely drawn to the relaxed picture they make. That is until, over her shoulder, Kimi spots him and immediately shuts down. Language barrier be damned, their waitress notices too and quickly retreats as Sebastian drops into the seat opposite.
"Tarvitsen uuden paikka syödä nyt," Kimi mutters under his breath.
"I speak Finnish," Sebastian reminds him but instead of being embarrassed, Kimi's glare sharpens. "What was she saying to you?"
Kimi shrugs. "I don't know," he says. "It could be the same thing every time I come here. It's not the point."
Awkward silence then takes over and all Sebastian wants is to crack this concrete wall of a man. Why is it that everyone else has no problem? What is he doing wrong?
"Why do you hate me?" he asks, as bluntness is a trait Kimi seems to admire so he takes a shot.
Kimi shrugs again but once he sees that it might not be enough of an answer, he sighs and digs a fraction deeper. "I don't hate you. I don't know you."
It offers Sebastian no further insight but it's still a relief to hear. He tries a different tactic.
"Did you always want to be an astronaut?"
Kimi raises an eyebrow at the shift but relaxes enough that he pulls his forgotten lunch closer, hunching over the bowl. "No," he offers simply and Sebastian nods.
"I've been on the fast track for this all my life," Sebastian goes on. "I've done everything I could think of to get here, everything that was within my reach. Courses on physics, biology, engineering, learnt a handful of languages, flight training, medical courses, everything. All to get this placement. It's sad really; I was the worst kind of kid." He hears Kimi snort into his lunch, not disagreeing. "What were you doing before this?"
"Test pilot; Finnish army," he explains, no nonsense, and Sebastian can picture him now, mirrored shades and all.
"And if this doesn't happen?"
Kimi pulls a face. "Never give up."
And it sounds a lot like a personal mantra, something Sebastian would have wrote in block letters and pasted on his ceiling as a kid, framed by his glow in the dark stars. He can't picture tiny Kimi doing the same. Hell, he can barely picture Kimi young and blindly aspiring anyway.
There's a kind of floral centrepiece on the table and Sebastian finds himself picking at it while he watches Kimi eat. The air between them is slightly less awkward now and guards are being lowered all around.
"So what did you want to be as a kid?" he asks, well aware that he's probably pushing his luck and Kimi certainly takes his time in answering, making him think he's crossed a line of some sort.
"Jäätelö mies." Kimi throws it out between bites and Sebastian chokes on his laugh, not expecting that in the slightest.
There's a hint of a smile on Kimi's face before he ducks his head and Sebastian's initial understanding of this guy changes in an instant. He's weird, for sure, but Sebastian knows he's not the easiest person to get along with either. He's also starting to understand why everyone smiles when they manage to slip Kimi's name into conversation. It's because earning this guy's regard is an achievement in itself.
Never give up, Sebastian repeats in his head. He really means that, and Sebastian can't help but respect him for it.
-
The simulations are not supposed to be fun. They are a tool. They are a test. They are a means of putting each candidate through a high pressure, high adrenaline situation where the effects are as real as they can manage, barring actually firing them in space. And, despite knowing all this, Sebastian loves every second of it.
His only hope is that his blinding grin doesn't detract him any points in the assessment because he is on form today if Christian's acknowledging nod is anything to go by.
On the downside, he was always going to look good with Kimi as his partner as the simulations are somewhat less than successful for him. And knowing what he knows now, the fact that they are always paired together for exercises makes so much more sense. Though, it does take a moment for Sebastian to remember he likes Kimi now and he's not supposed to get pleasure from seeing him fail.
The moment they are released from the simulation, Kimi staggers from the room and collapses onto the bench just outside the door. Sebastian hovers, unsure of how far they've come in their relationship that he would be allowed to see him at his worst. He's also afraid that his constant smile is going to come across as insensitive.
"Trust you to enjoy it," Kimi says, sounding rather rough, with his head bent so low it's near enough between his knees.
Sebastian smile dims, giving him and the entire bench a wide berth. "Are you going to be sick?"
Kimi grits his teeth. "For the last time, no. It's not motion sickness, it's a headache. The whole thing gives me one big headache. Vittu."
Sebastian shuffles from foot to foot, glancing up and down the hallway. "You know, this is probably going to reflect poorly on you," he says.
"Haista vittu," Kimi spits back.
"I'm just saying maybe you should go and explain to them that it's just the process here and not the real thing that's giving you problems." Kimi just continues to massage his temples and Sebastian sighs. "Do you want some water?"
"What I want is those extra hours back in bed." He sucks in air through his teeth, putting on a show of pulling himself back together and adding a little softer, "Yes, I want some water."
He pats Kimi rather ineffectively as he passes in search of a water cooler. It's the least he can do after hating the guy for so long and with no real reason.
Christian quickly finds him and latches onto Sebastian's arm as he's making his way back to the bench with a paper cup of chilled water. He only has positive things to say about his performance today but as they stand in that corridor, with spilt water dripping off the ends of his fingers, Sebastian can only find the words to defend Kimi.
It's probably the nicest thing he's ever done.
-
Their roles are somewhat reversed by the time they actually get up in the air.
They're flown back to Texas early one morning with constant warnings about what the crew have affectionately nicknamed the ‘vomit comet' and, an hour later, they're back up in American airspace decked out in heavy flight suits.
The first few dives the excitement cancels out the nausea, but by the tenth Sebastian wishes he'd forgone breakfast altogether. If only it wasn't so hard to refuse Felipe when he continues to invite him over so nicely.
He loses count how many twenty second bursts of weightlessness they go through; fifty, maybe sixty, he only knows that he wants it stop. Sweat trickles down his face and inside the suit claustrophobia's claws are creeping up on him. It's never been a problem before; being at the bottom of that pool in Texas had been strangely relaxing until his blind hatred had pulled him out of it. But now, swapping depth for height, his breath is stifling when it hits the suit and comes back twice as hot.
Kimi, on the other hand, relishes it and it's plain to see. With his history of being a test pilot it's not too surprising and within the single hour, he's manages to erase his less than stellar performance in the simulator and shows off his talents where it counts: the real thing.
Looking around, no other candidate is faring as well as Kimi and Sebastian can only cling to that tiny hope as they run through drills no one cares about.
Back on solid ground, Kimi is the only one to walk out without a wobble in his step. He's fighting an actual smile and he takes one look at Sebastian's sweaty, green tinged face and straight away offers to fetch him a glass of water. Sebastian rolls his eyes and laughs along but isn't too surprised that Kimi then wanders off, happier than he's ever seen him, and never actually follows through with his offer.
Sebastian is left to find his own drink with similarly glazed candidates but it's probably for the best; the good natured teasing from the guy who's usually so blank is weird enough.
-
On one otherwise unassuming morning, Kimi joins the rest of them for breakfast. He chats amicably with everyone up and down the benched seats and all the while his thigh presses hot against Sebastian's, despite the surplus of room on his other side.
It's the shock of the situation that has Sebastian distracted as everyone continues to speak around him. That's what he tells himself.
-
Kimi finds him in the gym several weeks later.
He plucks the headphones unapologetically from his ears and Sebastian is being handed a bottle of water before his legs have fully stopped cycling.
"Felipe's out," he says, apropos of nothing.
And Sebastian chokes on his drink. "What?"
"Accident."
"What kind of accident? Is he hurt?"
"He's okay but he's out of the programme. Smedley is with him now."
"Oh mein Gott. I can't even imagine. This is going to kill him."
Kimi narrows his eyes, giving him that look that means he's pissed and trying not to show it. He gets it often when Sebastian forgets to shield his desperation for this life, even worse when he projects it onto somebody else. "He is alive," he says evenly. "That is what matters."
Kimi then takes the edge of Sebastian's sleeve between his fingers and pulls. It takes a few tugs for Sebastian to understand he's supposed to follow the motion and he climbs off the exercise bike with jelly legs.
"Come on," Kimi prompts, "We'll drink to him."
Sebastian goes about collecting his belongings to leave but he also can't help but roll his eyes. It's not the first time Kimi's tried to foist the Russian nightlife on him except, right now, he's struggling to come up with a reason to say no.
"It should have been him for that last mission. Did he ever tell you that?" Kimi is mentally willing him to stop talking, he can feel it, but the pain he had felt for Felipe then has only doubled now, hearing the news that all his hard work has been in vain once again. "Apparently they changed their minds at the last second."
The very idea turns Sebastian's stomach. How they could offer a man his dream on a plate and then snatch it away again like it never mattered, he just doesn't understand.
Kimi's hand brushes his back as they head for the door. It's not comfort because Kimi doesn't do that, not for him. "We will drink double then," he says and it's as close to sorrow as it gets.
Sebastian can only stare at the man who has is swiftly becoming his best friend and is struck by how inversely young he looks in this moment. He may often make old man jokes but that's because he suspects Kimi enjoys a little push and pull in their relationship. Right now, he looks young and uncertain and Sebastian is truly grateful that neither one on them has to be alone in this journey.
He swings his bag up onto his shoulder and catches up to Kimi's sedate pace. The idea of going out to get blind drunk is somewhat foreign to him but he'll do it for Felipe. Although, it seems Kimi needs it more than either of them.
"You do know they don't let alcoholics be astronauts, right?"
Kimi's guttural laugh is something he's never heard before but could easily get used to.
-
"I'm so sorry," is the first thing Sebastian can think to say as he shakes Felipe's hand a week later. He doesn't exactly look well, with bruises around his eyes and a tremble in his fingers, but he smiles easily enough.
"For sure, it would be nice," Felipe shrugs, and there's only a hint of bitter disappointment. "But they offer me a job here instead so…is not all bad."
His smile turns bashful and Sebastian follows his gaze to the console against the wall. Rob is there filling out paperwork, his back hastily turned to them, like he didn't want to get caught looking.
"Rob seems happy to keep me on the ground anyway," Felipe adds. "Says I can cause trouble here instead. Where he can keep his eyes on me."
Felipe chuckles and Sebastian is helpless against joining in. The fond looks being trading between them all year have been impossible to miss and it seems as though Felipe's life has not been destroyed by not going the way he intended it to.
The sheer relief that it is possible to come back from rejection is making Sebastian giddy. He's never quite believed it but the proof is right here in front of him. While he knows the likelihood is high, on the off chance he isn't chosen at the end of all this, there may just be hope for him yet.
-
The full two years pass in a rush.
It's mid-October when a frantic knock on his door wakes him up. He's beyond tired and he contemplates staying where he is, hoping whoever it is gets the message. But they don't.
Sebastian drags himself across the room, grumbling the whole way, and throws open the door only to be met with Christian on the other side.
"You're in," he says and the world stops.
The doorframe digs painfully into Sebastian's back when he falls into it, but it's also the only thing keeping him on his feet. His eyes immediately well up and Christian is a vague blur in front of him as he nods over and over in confirmation.
"I…I can't…" He starts laughing, sounding so wet and pathetic that Christian joins him, slapping a hand to Sebastian's face and squeezing it in proud fatherly admiration. Sebastian just can't believe it. "Who…who else?"
Christian rolls his eyes, finally pulling away and slotting his hands into his pockets. "Raikkonen," he says and there's a completely different tone in his voice than the last time they were in this position. He even smiles and Sebastian's heart swells. The joy he feels surprises even himself. "They'll be an official ceremony tomorrow," Christian adds, trying to bring a semblance of professionalism to this and misses by a mile. "Try to act surprised."
Sebastian beams as he pulls Christian into a hug and Christian laughs good naturedly while pushing him away. He then steals off into the night, like some roaming spectre of good news and there's no way Sebastian is going to be able to fall back asleep. Not after this.
As he stumbles back across the room, he's hit with the sudden urge to see his mother. He wants to see her face when he tells her he's an astronaut now, and fully mean it. Dropping on top of his bed, he stares up at the hastily scrawled ‘NEVER GIVE UP' on his ceiling and once again he isn't ashamed to admit he cries.
-
They are high on success when they stumble into Sebastian's room.
Tomorrow marks the culmination of twenty-seven years hard work. Everything Sebastian has done is leading up to this moment. And at the end of it all, here they are, the two unlikeliest picks of the bunch; the German scab and the stoic old man, currently slumped together on Sebastian's rarely used bed, laughing over something neither one can pinpoint. Stone cold sober and laughing deep, full body wheezes that de-age Kimi's face several decades and Sebastian just can't stop pressing, poking, and prodding.
He supposes it's a long time coming that they're suddenly on each other, hands just about everywhere and their mouths meeting somewhere in the middle.
Nerves are instantly on fire and every little touch between them feels drawn out and exaggerated. Kimi's bulk moves to settle over his knees and Sebastian is in heaven. While he kneads the muscles in his thighs, he thinks, where ever he is, he owes Heikki an apology because if this isn't a fetish then what is.
Sebastian goes straight for the button on Kimi's jean and Kimi must approve because he lifts up slightly to give him a better angle. His breath is then punched out of him when Sebastian slides his hand from his stomach, with the strip of skin on show, all the way down until he brushes the base of his cock.
A dry grope has Kimi panting in his ear so he spares a moment to spit in the palm of his hand before sliding his now slick hand back into his jeans.
While he rapidly jacks him off, Kimi's fingers attack the buttons on Sebastian's shirt with an accuracy that is quickly depleting. By the time he's in, he's also shuddering in pleasure and spilling over onto Sebastian's hand.
"I thought you old guys were supposed to have stamina?" Sebastian laughs, wiping his hand on the edge of the bedspread. There's only one night left and he doubts he's going to spend it sleeping anyway.
Kimi grunts, still lost in his come down, and Sebastian can only stare in awe at his flushed face. This close, it's so fucking hot and the strain in his jeans is getting painful.
He hooks his hand under Kimi's chin to lick his way into his mouth and it's dirty and wet everything he missed out on as a teenager. Rutting together with their clothes still mostly on, Sebastian feels like he's back in his younger self's fantasies. There's no way he could have known all his dreams would come true in a matter of hours.
Kimi absently presses the heel of his palm into the front of Sebastian's jean as he shifts into a better position, one that puts less strain on his legs, and Sebastian bucks up helplessly, wanting more of that pressure. They continue to kiss languidly and as Kimi regains his bearings he starts to give back more, shifts his hips a little faster and cups Sebastian's painfully hard cock a little firmer.
After what seems like an age, Kimi twists his face away, distancing them both with his hands on Sebastian's shoulders. When he speaks, he sounds winded. "We can't do this again," and he seeks out Sebastian's eyes to prove how serious he is.
Though, in all honesty, Sebastian's mind is reeling. He nods in understanding but all he's thinking about is getting Kimi's hands back on him. Tomorrow barely exists right now and when he says, "I know that, I know," he's lying.
He drags Kimi back to him, latching onto his mouth because it's where he belongs.
Kimi goes with it for a while before breaking away again and sliding to the floor between Sebastian's knees. There's a glaze of lust in his eyes and it's their last night on Earth. Why not go out with a bang?
-
Everything leading up to the launch is a blur. Things are said to him, pages are shoved under his nose to sign and hands touch him all over as they direct him into a flight suit.
He doesn't even see Kimi until they're both strapped into their seats and when he smiles nervously at him, he gets a flash of what the man's skin felt like against his own, but then it's gone because they are brothers in this. From now until they're in orbit, he's the left brain while Kimi is the right.
They both need to do their part to get this mission off the ground.
"Näytätlapsi kyseisessä värissä," Kimi says, and his voice sounds no different here than it does right after he's come and the knowledge makes Sebastian shiver.
"Tunnen sen." Honestly, he's never felt so small, so insignificant, stuck in a situation so much bigger than himself.
He's got six months alone with Kimi to go over and over what happened last night. Sure, he'll be busy for a lot of it but he'll also be mind-numbingly bored at times and it's only a small station once you're up there.
It dawns on him, as the countdown echoes through his head, Kimi was right. It can't happen again.
It's going to be a long six months.