(no subject)
God. I really don't think I've had a day this depressing in a while. Everyone's at church right now so I have no one to talk to so I'm venting on livejournal, sorry.
Let's just say that I have never had so many thoughts about suicide in one day. I know that I would never cut or shoot myself. That's just not my style. I just want to take the car and go as irresponsibly fast as I can. Then just close my eyes and let go of the wheel. Just typing that makes me cry. I'm so weak. I wish I was strong so all I had to do was think of Jesus and feel instantly ok. But I can't honestly say that I know where God is right now.
I'm so confused. There's so much stuff to try and handle and it is all just rising up in the pot of Meg's life and is finally bubbling over.
For way too long my life has been like a roller coaster. One moment I can't stop laughing-the next I can't stop just wanting to end it all. That stands for all my relationships really. It seems like now is where I just want to learn and branch out and explore and all everyone is trying to do is confine me in as little of space as possible. There is a barrier or restriction on everything I do. Not even reasonable ones.
For instance, I'm stuck here right now because I'm not allowed to go to church anymore. I really don't think I could have needed God more tonight. I really don't.
I'm hoping that I am just caught up in the moment and that all of this is soon to pass. Tomorrow when I am at school I will think of how ridiculous this whole entry was and wish I never wrote it but I can't say that I've ever erased and entry. idk. it's part of the past. I don't want to forget it.
I really just don't know what to do anymore though. I have prayed and prayed about it but I don't feel like I understand what God is trying to say to me or do in my life. I guess pray for me if you think it will help, because I do want help. That's about all I want to let everyone know. Have a good rest of the week.
.:Meg:.
Let's just say that I have never had so many thoughts about suicide in one day. I know that I would never cut or shoot myself. That's just not my style. I just want to take the car and go as irresponsibly fast as I can. Then just close my eyes and let go of the wheel. Just typing that makes me cry. I'm so weak. I wish I was strong so all I had to do was think of Jesus and feel instantly ok. But I can't honestly say that I know where God is right now.
I'm so confused. There's so much stuff to try and handle and it is all just rising up in the pot of Meg's life and is finally bubbling over.
For way too long my life has been like a roller coaster. One moment I can't stop laughing-the next I can't stop just wanting to end it all. That stands for all my relationships really. It seems like now is where I just want to learn and branch out and explore and all everyone is trying to do is confine me in as little of space as possible. There is a barrier or restriction on everything I do. Not even reasonable ones.
For instance, I'm stuck here right now because I'm not allowed to go to church anymore. I really don't think I could have needed God more tonight. I really don't.
I'm hoping that I am just caught up in the moment and that all of this is soon to pass. Tomorrow when I am at school I will think of how ridiculous this whole entry was and wish I never wrote it but I can't say that I've ever erased and entry. idk. it's part of the past. I don't want to forget it.
I really just don't know what to do anymore though. I have prayed and prayed about it but I don't feel like I understand what God is trying to say to me or do in my life. I guess pray for me if you think it will help, because I do want help. That's about all I want to let everyone know. Have a good rest of the week.
.:Meg:.