(no subject)
I've gotta rush away
she said, I've been to Boston before
and anyway, this change I've been feeling
doesn't make the rain fall
No big differences these days,
just the same old walkaways
Someday, I'm gonna stay
but not today
That song reminds me of her. I know I'm talking a lot about her today, but I conjured up a lot of old memories, good and bad. I feel really hurt that she didn't call for as long as she did. She was abandoned in ways that she told me about, and then she did it to me. I feel really betrayed and guilty. Guilty for feeling betrayed. And guilty because I'm expecting her to know that I feel this way. And I don't feel ready to tell her. Maybe if I just continue to talk to her I'll feel ready. Maybe. And maybe she'll say that she's sorry and that she loves me as the little sister I was to her all that time ago. And maybe she'll want to see pictures of me and Nick and she'll be truly happy to hear from me. Maybe she'll remember how many times I made her play Del Amitri's "Roll To Me" in her car, and the sleep over at her house in Wayland and the horse back riding lessons. Maybe she'll do all that. But I doubt it. Maybe I'm beig unfair. Maybe I'm expecting the worst out of her because right now I have nothing to compair it to. I don't have a last memory of her because she stopped coming around after she left the restaurant. I don't know if she realized she was pulling away. I don't know if she realized anything. I wonder if she found a new me in Virginia. And she didn't need me so much then. I really should tell her some of this. But not today. Not so early. I don't really know what I'm doing.
she said, I've been to Boston before
and anyway, this change I've been feeling
doesn't make the rain fall
No big differences these days,
just the same old walkaways
Someday, I'm gonna stay
but not today
That song reminds me of her. I know I'm talking a lot about her today, but I conjured up a lot of old memories, good and bad. I feel really hurt that she didn't call for as long as she did. She was abandoned in ways that she told me about, and then she did it to me. I feel really betrayed and guilty. Guilty for feeling betrayed. And guilty because I'm expecting her to know that I feel this way. And I don't feel ready to tell her. Maybe if I just continue to talk to her I'll feel ready. Maybe. And maybe she'll say that she's sorry and that she loves me as the little sister I was to her all that time ago. And maybe she'll want to see pictures of me and Nick and she'll be truly happy to hear from me. Maybe she'll remember how many times I made her play Del Amitri's "Roll To Me" in her car, and the sleep over at her house in Wayland and the horse back riding lessons. Maybe she'll do all that. But I doubt it. Maybe I'm beig unfair. Maybe I'm expecting the worst out of her because right now I have nothing to compair it to. I don't have a last memory of her because she stopped coming around after she left the restaurant. I don't know if she realized she was pulling away. I don't know if she realized anything. I wonder if she found a new me in Virginia. And she didn't need me so much then. I really should tell her some of this. But not today. Not so early. I don't really know what I'm doing.