a phoenix rising, reasonably reborn
This is to all of you who knew me before I dropped off the face of the earth. I apologize to those from which I seemed to fade completely. I had to start over; I had to break my life down in order to be reborn. I had to jump. I think the decent is almost over, I can feel the ground nearly beneath me like a person so close you can feel their breath.
This is where I've been.
This is who I've become.
Almost exactly a year ago my safe haven shut its doors forever. It was a hole in the wall, voluteer run coffeehouse / community center / artistic outlet called United States of Mind. I'd been going there almost every Friday night, going on a couple of years, for an open mic. It was my first real experience on stage, getting my writing out there. Through those nights I found clarity and confidence. I made friends and met a few people who grew to be more. I felt safe and at home. Then funding ran out, politics took over and they were forced to close their doors. I met a woman there who made me stutter, blush, and hide across the room in a notebook, stealing glances when I though she wasn't looking. She was a volunteer there and we had our small talk, but I couldn't bring myself to ask her for anything more. Not long after USOM closed I got an e-mail from her saying that we should meet up, she wanted to hear more of my writing and catch up some. We spent a few months casually dating and getting to know each other. I fell harder and harder as time went on.
My track record with the women I've dated isn't exactly the best. I always went for the ones who treated me as badly as I already felt inside. Becky has shown me the complete opposite side of the spectrum, the side I'd figured I wasn't good enough for. She continues to show me a love beyond bounds. For the first time in countless years, I feel…worth something. Since being with Becky I've started turning my life around.
April 13th will mark a year since I quite smoking, something I wasn't sure I'd be able to give up. I haven't cut in about the same amount of time, which is huge for me. I haven't been so depressed, the suicidal thoughts are dying. She's given me so much strength to be who I know I am and treat myself the way I know I need to.
2006 brought so many major changes into my life and she has been nothing but supportive through it. Last Sep. I hit the breaking point, packed up and left my parent's house. No warning, just left a note and took off. I've been living with Becky ever since. Doing so has opened doors for my mom and me to actually communicate about the things I'd been swallowing for years. Now my mom acknowledges Becky as my partner and I think she respects it. Around the same time I left home, my dad moved out. He is now living in North Carolina. I see him, grudgingly, on holidays, and even then he's more of a non-issue than my dad. My grandma's health is failing and I don't think she'll be around much longer. My own health is doing not so great things, but as of right now my job doesn't give me health coverage, so I'm a little stressed.
We adopted a puppy from a rescue a few months back. He's now 9 months old and afraid of the world. He doesn't realize that he's a big dog and toddlers scare the piss (literally) out of him. The lady from the rescue saved him and 5 siblings from a kill shelter in indiana that were going to put them down because they had kennel cough (which is treatable and really common) and thought to have some pit bull in them. The best guess is that his a mix of American Bull dog, Boxer, and Pit Bull. I named him Charles and we call him Charlie because he is kinda like Charlie Brown, real laid back and sweet as anything, but scared of the world and not at all sure of himself.
The biggest change has been the fact that Becky has 2 children. That makes me a step-mother of 2 preteens (one boy 12 who has autism and a girl who is 10). It is a role that has definitely been hard, but I think I'm starting to get the hand of it. I'm 19 and settled down with a partner and 2 step children. I have never felt my age, but now even more so.
But I'm adjusting, and through it all I know I have someone to turn to.
Never would I have thought that the woman I admired from afar would eventually become my partner, my love, my life. We've been together for almost a year and I've never felt more completed by another. Every now and then I steal a glance when she's not looking and I swear I feel myself falling all over again.
My life is turning around, go figure.
becky and i.....my mom took this and that's still weird
Brandon and Corina last Halloween....my pumpkin is the little one on the chair...it has an eyebrow ring
my baby Charles...he army crawls cause he's badass like that