where's the rewind button on this whole life thing?
this could be so much less of a task if i could just defy the laws of physics and write through osmosis. just set my fingers on the keys and let words flow through me like my pulse that's racing. i want my tears of rage to drop and leave words in their wake instead of just water marks or blood stains. i want relief to flow through me and out of me as a concrete substance i can hold in my shaking hands, wash down the drain and drain it permanently out of my body. i want to write through osmosis. simplify the process. emotion, then thought, then words, then verbalizing, then typing. it's all too much. there needs to be a simpler way to get from emotion to writing. i'm sick of thinking and processing and trying to decide what words fit best with what emotion. there aren't words for what i feel. i'm confined to 26 letters that i can randomly form into words that are limited to my vocabulary. i'm constantly saying "i feel ___, but that's not the right word for it." where are all the right words? i'm sick of feeling things i can't describe and then having people criticize me or belittle me for what i'm feeling because i can't verbalize it. take a hint and realize that if i can't talk about it then maybe i don't want to. or maybe have some balls and look past the words i can't find. i've said it before and i'll keep saying it: listen to the words i don't have to say.
tonight should never have happened. i should have just gone home after work, but no, i went out because i wanted some fucking chai. chai makes not smoking a little easier. trade one addiction for another. but caffeine is less likely to give me various kinds of cancer. so i'm minding my own business sitting my own little corner, chai in hand, head in a book, when she sits down across from me. like i'm not going to notice or something. like i'm not going to fucking notice when my ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend just so happens to sit at the table where i'm sitting (in a close to empty coffeehouse). she didn't think i knew who she was at first, but that was cleared up quickly. for a few minutes there was that awkward, 'uh, so what are you reading....' thing she tried to do until i had enough and just flat out asked her what her motive was for coming over to me, what did she want. it was just little things for the first like 15 minutes or so until the place closed and she told her friends she didn't need a ride home. so they left, which left her without a car, which meant i had to take her home. about 25 minutes out of my way. i've had some pretty shitty car rides, but this was by far one of the worst (as of late).
we ended up sitting outside of her apartment (which is also kim's apartment) for about 2 hours while she tried to get me to rehash everything that happened in the 2 years that i dated kim. apparently kim had told her that she broke up with me because she didn't love me anymore, which is funny because i was in fact the one who called off the relationship in the end. but whatever, she can think what she wants. i sat there with sandra as she wanted to know why i fell in love with kim, why i broke up with her, and everything possible that could fall between. i was calm. i was rational. and then she turned on me. although awkward, the conversation up until a certain point had at least been, i want to say civil, but that's not the right word. she started telling me all the things that kim has said about me and how she found a bunch of stuff i had written while we were still together. this girl had the metaphorical balls to rant about how i seemed like such a depressed person back then but that it seemed as though i had nothing to be depressed over. she started talking about my life and how i'd never been through something painful enough to be even slightly haunted by. then she had to go and say that there was one thing that she knew about me that she thought could have, and i quote, "had a little bit of a negative impact for a while". of course i asked what she was talking about. i let her get half way through her sentence but when she uttered the words "....this thing that happened when you were 5 or 6" i about lost it. i fucking about lost it. i was livid. this woman doesn't even know my fucking last name but she knows events from my childhood that i've let only a handful of people in my life even begin to know. there are so many things wrong with that. the most important of which being that i now know that things i told kim in complete confidence are now public knowledge to whomever she is dating. my past is not her business to tell. there are a lot of things that i don't care if people know about it, but what happened when i was little is different. that is mine. i told her that as an act of intimacy, i told her so she could understand me, i told her because it was the only way to explain. i told her my darkest secrets. i lay my demons before her in order to let her in. and it hurts to know that she thinks so little of me as to casually mention any of it to the girl she's dating now. a girl who doesn't even know my fucking last name.
the conversation turned into her reminding me that it was all my fault. that kim wasn't in love with me in the first place. that i fucked up. reminding me that i wasn't worth loving. reminding me that i....wasn't....good enough. a feeling that i've fought my whole life to deal with. and so maybe i'm not good enough, maybe i am unlovable. but who the fuck is she to tell me that.
she brought up things that happened when kim and i were dating that she and i didn't even discuss after the fact. this complete stranger sat in my truck and forced me to rehash memories that i had completely blocked out. for a reason. she took my most shameful moments and threw them back in my face. she took the very events i regret the most and reminded me how disturbing it is / was. then when i said that i didn't want to talk about it and that i hadn't even let myself think about it in the 3 or so years it's been she goes off about how it mustn't really be that big of a deal if i can just forget about it. repressing a memory and letting yourself just forget about it are two completely different things. when i was, let's say in middle school, and i was embarrassed or hurt, i could just not think about it and eventually it would go away. up until a certain age i could do that, just not think about it and it wasn't real. but at 16 years old it's harder to be involved in something and just forget. you have to force yourself to forget. you create time gaps in your recollection and fill that space with shame and guilt and all of those wonderful things that i'm full of right up until your brain has had enough and shuts that section off. road blocks go up and that stretch of thought is under-construction. permanently. that, my friends, is repression. and until something triggers you, that event no longer exists. it never happened. then some chick had to come along and remind me that it did in fact happen. and now the road blocks are gone and i'm driving down an unpaved path with pot holes and burst water pipes and downed electrical lines.
i had this whole conversation sitting outside the apartment where kim was inside sleeping. i don't know if sandra is going to tell kim that i drove her home. i don't know if kim is going to try and call me again. i don't think i could handle it if she did. out of the ex girlfriends that i have, she is the only one that i didn't try to salvage a friendship with after the break up. i didn't want her to stay in my life then and i don't want her back in it now.
tonight should have never happened.
i called diana on the way home so upset i could barely think.
i got lost going the wrong way down allisonville, then somehow crossed allisonville when i tried to turn around.
i was almost in a car wreck because assholes think it's okay to run a red light just because it's quarter till 2 in the morning.
i blame it all on wanting some chai, which i blame on quitting smoking.
if i weren't so set on being quitter, tonight i would have smoked until my throat was raw.
tonight should never have happened. i should have just gone home after work, but no, i went out because i wanted some fucking chai. chai makes not smoking a little easier. trade one addiction for another. but caffeine is less likely to give me various kinds of cancer. so i'm minding my own business sitting my own little corner, chai in hand, head in a book, when she sits down across from me. like i'm not going to notice or something. like i'm not going to fucking notice when my ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend just so happens to sit at the table where i'm sitting (in a close to empty coffeehouse). she didn't think i knew who she was at first, but that was cleared up quickly. for a few minutes there was that awkward, 'uh, so what are you reading....' thing she tried to do until i had enough and just flat out asked her what her motive was for coming over to me, what did she want. it was just little things for the first like 15 minutes or so until the place closed and she told her friends she didn't need a ride home. so they left, which left her without a car, which meant i had to take her home. about 25 minutes out of my way. i've had some pretty shitty car rides, but this was by far one of the worst (as of late).
we ended up sitting outside of her apartment (which is also kim's apartment) for about 2 hours while she tried to get me to rehash everything that happened in the 2 years that i dated kim. apparently kim had told her that she broke up with me because she didn't love me anymore, which is funny because i was in fact the one who called off the relationship in the end. but whatever, she can think what she wants. i sat there with sandra as she wanted to know why i fell in love with kim, why i broke up with her, and everything possible that could fall between. i was calm. i was rational. and then she turned on me. although awkward, the conversation up until a certain point had at least been, i want to say civil, but that's not the right word. she started telling me all the things that kim has said about me and how she found a bunch of stuff i had written while we were still together. this girl had the metaphorical balls to rant about how i seemed like such a depressed person back then but that it seemed as though i had nothing to be depressed over. she started talking about my life and how i'd never been through something painful enough to be even slightly haunted by. then she had to go and say that there was one thing that she knew about me that she thought could have, and i quote, "had a little bit of a negative impact for a while". of course i asked what she was talking about. i let her get half way through her sentence but when she uttered the words "....this thing that happened when you were 5 or 6" i about lost it. i fucking about lost it. i was livid. this woman doesn't even know my fucking last name but she knows events from my childhood that i've let only a handful of people in my life even begin to know. there are so many things wrong with that. the most important of which being that i now know that things i told kim in complete confidence are now public knowledge to whomever she is dating. my past is not her business to tell. there are a lot of things that i don't care if people know about it, but what happened when i was little is different. that is mine. i told her that as an act of intimacy, i told her so she could understand me, i told her because it was the only way to explain. i told her my darkest secrets. i lay my demons before her in order to let her in. and it hurts to know that she thinks so little of me as to casually mention any of it to the girl she's dating now. a girl who doesn't even know my fucking last name.
the conversation turned into her reminding me that it was all my fault. that kim wasn't in love with me in the first place. that i fucked up. reminding me that i wasn't worth loving. reminding me that i....wasn't....good enough. a feeling that i've fought my whole life to deal with. and so maybe i'm not good enough, maybe i am unlovable. but who the fuck is she to tell me that.
she brought up things that happened when kim and i were dating that she and i didn't even discuss after the fact. this complete stranger sat in my truck and forced me to rehash memories that i had completely blocked out. for a reason. she took my most shameful moments and threw them back in my face. she took the very events i regret the most and reminded me how disturbing it is / was. then when i said that i didn't want to talk about it and that i hadn't even let myself think about it in the 3 or so years it's been she goes off about how it mustn't really be that big of a deal if i can just forget about it. repressing a memory and letting yourself just forget about it are two completely different things. when i was, let's say in middle school, and i was embarrassed or hurt, i could just not think about it and eventually it would go away. up until a certain age i could do that, just not think about it and it wasn't real. but at 16 years old it's harder to be involved in something and just forget. you have to force yourself to forget. you create time gaps in your recollection and fill that space with shame and guilt and all of those wonderful things that i'm full of right up until your brain has had enough and shuts that section off. road blocks go up and that stretch of thought is under-construction. permanently. that, my friends, is repression. and until something triggers you, that event no longer exists. it never happened. then some chick had to come along and remind me that it did in fact happen. and now the road blocks are gone and i'm driving down an unpaved path with pot holes and burst water pipes and downed electrical lines.
i had this whole conversation sitting outside the apartment where kim was inside sleeping. i don't know if sandra is going to tell kim that i drove her home. i don't know if kim is going to try and call me again. i don't think i could handle it if she did. out of the ex girlfriends that i have, she is the only one that i didn't try to salvage a friendship with after the break up. i didn't want her to stay in my life then and i don't want her back in it now.
tonight should have never happened.
i called diana on the way home so upset i could barely think.
i got lost going the wrong way down allisonville, then somehow crossed allisonville when i tried to turn around.
i was almost in a car wreck because assholes think it's okay to run a red light just because it's quarter till 2 in the morning.
i blame it all on wanting some chai, which i blame on quitting smoking.
if i weren't so set on being quitter, tonight i would have smoked until my throat was raw.