Christmas 2023
How long has it been since I wrote a Christmas entry in this journal? Or have I EVER written one?
I have such lovely, fun memories of Christmases past! In the house at 134 Ewing Place where I shared a bedroom with big sister, Donna (while Pen and Chris got to sleep in a bunkbed in their own bedroom at the other end of the hallway). I had 7 Christmas Days in that house. In the "big" house "in the country," I was blessed to have 27 Christmas Days.
And Christmas EVES??? I experienced 30 almost magical Christmas Eves at 226 King William St.... ooooh, yes-- I've described those wonderful times earlier in this journal; now I remember!
So why, NOW, are the days leading up to Thanksgiving, all the way through New Year's, so difficult to get through? Why do these days hurt so much?
It's because I'm focused on "poor li'l me," isn't it, Lord? I should be focused on You, Your advent, the wonder and miracle of Your Incarnation, and the lengths to which You went to provide (and to be) the Way back to the loving, merciful Creator and God, Whom we have all offended and dishonored by choosing our own rule over His.
Now, I know I've sailed through other Christmases with this correctly-oriented view. Maybe not ALL other Christmases, but I can remember some that I sailed through. What was different about this one??? Was it the presence of kin who seemed to keep me at a distance in preference for those closer to them? Mm. Probably a little bit... maybe. Was it because of having been with Donna over the summer and missing her now? Yes, I believe so, a little bit. Was it because of the feeling of my household shrinking... no Fudge, and now, no Toff? Mm. Possibly a little bit... Yes, I do feel my household-- actually, my whole social circle-- closing in on me and getting smaller and smaller... after all, I am MINUS an important person. Was it because it was my first Christmas with the realization that Chris is no longer present, even potentially? Yes, I'm sure of that.
But, definitely, I know my focus was off Center and not where it should have been. And definitely, my world felt smaller and lonelier. There's really no remedy for the latter-- that's just the way it is. But the former was self-imposed; and I don't know why.
To top off the "bleh" Christmas, I came down with the flu on January 2 and felt wretched--- constant chills down my back and soooo achey (the body aches were concentrated in both hip joints, of all places!)-- UGH, I hurt, so matter how I positioned myself in bed! I don't recall the flu acting that way before. CEDAR season started a little late this year, sort of coinciding with the timing of my flu, and though I'm way past the flu, my sinuses are still congested with sticky Yuck.
Let's end this journal entry--- why prolong this vibe?!