Late Meditation
I love being able to think... to just get into these swings where there's nothing else in the world but my own thoughts for a change.
No distracting conscience or blurring negative feelings.. Just what I want.
Right now, what I want, is to erase this journal. I'm making a new one. I hate the idea of going back to delete entries from like... 7 years ago when I would act like a naive child. Sure I'm still naive in ways, no doubt. But I would like to have something that I don't feel like I'm editing because of what HAS been in it.
I can't sleep. But right now I'm so glad. It's hard but I'm trying to look into myself. But honestly... that's one of the hardest things there is to do. I know that I have things that are 'wrong' with me. Anxieties, "issues," clashing wants, memories that have become nightmares. I want to understand them... some I wish I could change... but maybe I never can..
I think I just need to believe this:
I can't become the kind of person I wish to be, I can only become what I want to be through who I am.
No matter what, I can't change the person I am. Maybe there are things that I can become more content with which in that sense could be toned down. But I'm just going to have to realize that I need to carry everything with me... I do that with everything else except for my problems, it shows in my travel bag, 'purse,' school, everywhere; except for where it needs to be.
I need to stop being afraid of what could happen if I don't keep trying... and just go with it...
I love how I still refuse to see a therapist though. Never going to happen.
Can't wait to start a FRESH journal.
No distracting conscience or blurring negative feelings.. Just what I want.
Right now, what I want, is to erase this journal. I'm making a new one. I hate the idea of going back to delete entries from like... 7 years ago when I would act like a naive child. Sure I'm still naive in ways, no doubt. But I would like to have something that I don't feel like I'm editing because of what HAS been in it.
I can't sleep. But right now I'm so glad. It's hard but I'm trying to look into myself. But honestly... that's one of the hardest things there is to do. I know that I have things that are 'wrong' with me. Anxieties, "issues," clashing wants, memories that have become nightmares. I want to understand them... some I wish I could change... but maybe I never can..
I think I just need to believe this:
I can't become the kind of person I wish to be, I can only become what I want to be through who I am.
No matter what, I can't change the person I am. Maybe there are things that I can become more content with which in that sense could be toned down. But I'm just going to have to realize that I need to carry everything with me... I do that with everything else except for my problems, it shows in my travel bag, 'purse,' school, everywhere; except for where it needs to be.
I need to stop being afraid of what could happen if I don't keep trying... and just go with it...
I love how I still refuse to see a therapist though. Never going to happen.
Can't wait to start a FRESH journal.