nostalgie
“Summon all my dreams
like roses on your epigraph
Written in my tears
Thy sorrow and my bleeding heart
She comes so serene
my fallen beauty crowned with leaves
Take me to thy dream
Thy candle will forever burn in me. . .”
---
nostalgia for when these lyrics and this band first swayed my heart into the deepest longing ♥!
for when my ears were virgins to goth/female-fronted metal and none of it sounded at all "unimpressive," "cliche," or "boring" to me (as more than 90% of any new releases sound to me today), but instead felt nothing short of the magic in the dancing of trees, the mysterious darkness between the stars, the ache of loneliness and the suspense of early romance...
when the best time of day was at night when the wind blew through my long mermaid hair and raised my dark ruffled skirts into a mess, when my skin looked naked if not adorned by contrasting velvet or lace, when make-up and primping wasn't superficial to me but rather a ritual of devotion for the endless wonder of living, when I learned what it was like to make a man's blood boil with virulence and I fantasized for my own Heathcliff, when the best day of the week was the day I had vocal lessons where I could sing my heart out to be point of becoming more than a physical body, when there was nothing more important in my life than somehow giving life to the unwritten poetry in everything, words incessantly praising the beauty evident everywhere my eyes would turn; words that didn't hide from me as they do now.
I'm not in the least saying I'm not happy with my life right now -- that's not what nostalgia is. my nostalgia is the most immense, genuinely heartfelt gratitude for what I've experienced, always resulting in the greatest anxiety for the wonderful things I have yet to live.