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[under_your_brow]

thank you for whoever read my last entry. i am feeling a lot better today. i went to a job interview. it didn't go great but regardless i still have a sense of accomplishment. i am going to the parade on Sunday and it will be the first time in my life i go. I'm not sure if i am going to drink or not i don't know if i should. technically i will me

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[under_your_brow]

no I don't think this sounds bitchy at all it is sweet. I appreciate it. Rehab just drilled/scared me into thinking that those types of thoughts have the potential to arise and will arise though they appear on a daily basis anyways without the help of alcohol. Everyday is a struggle, a fight to rebuke my thoughts. I am in a constant state of prayer, asking God to give me courage and strength and help rebuke those negative thoughts and behaviors/ I have drank once since I've gotten out with my mom in the safety and security of my own home. We had a nice time ya know having a drink safely and not just drinking to get hammered. In my opinion alcohol is meant to be enjoy in moderation. I am excited for the actual parade ya know? I have never been and I have never even so much as seen a parade in person. Writing is a coping skill that I have recently become reacquainted with so at the time I wrote this entry I was in addict thinking, expressing my thoughts in a constructive, healthy manner but I think this is an opportunity for me to show myself that I have fought and will continue fight this demon. I am getting stronger again and working back towards a point in life where I have in fact once been- possessing very high self esteem and assurance and having self worth and respect.

In all honesty I have never felt comfortable drinking anywhere that I had to leave drunk or even leave after having had a drink. Having said that, I don't think I will want to risk breaking my level of comfort. I am excited to see my friends again and show off my regrown boobs, clear skin, and my pure joy for life. Don't get me wrong, I obviously still get depressed a few times a week, but these copying skills I've re-associated myself with are honestly saving my life on a daily basis. O really do appreciate all your support Abbie. Thank you for your care, and I hope my pictures and my writing put your heart at least a little bit at ease, hopefully seeing I am sincerely working towards great change-in all aspects of myself. One by one I am working on my character flaws and I can say for the first time since my junior/beginning of senior year,I am proud of myself in my accomplishment this far in my recovery and I grow from this pride just a little bit more as each day passes ya know?

Speaking of the parade though, are you going to out here attending this momentous, annual celebration? Of so, I would love to see you if you are open to the idea and some time soon I would love to bring Gwen by the house for your mom and sister to see her. Give me a call at my house number and let me know what you think 708 529 0018, I am always here.

love you and thanks again,
Anaya