(no subject)

[under_the_tow]

Where do i begin. Where did this go wrong. I feel so lost this time. Im in a place where i know nobody, and i have no-one by my side. I feel that this downward spiral, which has been spiraling down for a while may potentially be at its end. So much has happened since the last time i felt this way. There is no communication, all my feelings have been lost. How could this have gone wrong? Did i do something wrong, did i travel a road i should have never went down. Life has been difficult with you. I have never felt this way before, im constantly upset and depressed. I should have never left everything behind. I should have thought this over. If only you were around, you would have stopped me from making this mistake. I dont belong here. All the odds are against me, they always have since ive been here. I feel so alone. I know what i need to do, and i know what i need to say... why am i so afraid. I have always allowed myself to stay in second place. I have never taken my own feelings into consideration. Am i afraid to? has it been so long a road that i dont know how to stand up for myself anymore. I have allowed myself to be walked over so many times. Ive always been afraid of hurting others feelings. Its a different story now, this is marriage... how do you tell someone that you dont want to be with them, once you've told them you would be with them forever. Did i cause all this. Am i allowing you to turn this on me. My head is telling me to leave, but my heart doesnt want to harm anyones feelings. All this time has been spent, could this be a mistake or a learning experience. I miss everything about my old self. I miss my family. If i could rewind time... i think things would be different. I dont think this would have happened. Where the fuck were you when i needed you. If i ever needed you at a certain time... it was then. Now all i can do is sit here and ponder what happens next. I know i shouldnt be here. There is so much going on outside of the world im currently living in. I wish i was there. Im tired of being the one always looking out. I should be happy for once in my life. Why have i always denied myself that very thing. I should be far away from here. i should be miles away from where im standing right now. I should have never come here. I should have listened. I didnt sign up for something where i would be doing all the work. This has been going on for so long now, that i dont know anything else but this from you. You promise me you are going to change... but it only lasts a few days, and then its back to the same old shit.

where do i go. what do i do.

im so fucked.

i should just throw myself off a fucking bridge.

and see what hurts more.