the calm before the storm
The tunnel continues, and I feel so unprotected against forces pushing me around. I feel as if there's nothing going on around me, while I know that there are lots of things that demand my attention. Instead of attending to these things, I break down. I turn numb, sedate myself and continue to ignore my responsibilities and grasp open opportunities. I'm like a flame, able to burn and provide light and heat but lacking in fuel. The well trickles slowly, yet I continue drawing water from it while the river gushes by right beside me.
But I feel no gloom, no shame or misery. This is only due to my analytical suppositions that I'll be able to catch up to whatever I missed and need. That and a lot of arrogance and false self-confidence, because I know from experience that my projections are usually inaccurate and biased to whatever I see convenient. Yet I continue to trust my instincts, for how else can I hone them if not through practice? I am my own critic, and I learn to better curse myself by exploring new aspects of myself and life that I can mess up.
But as I said, I do not give any negative vibrations, yet I doubt I can provide too many good ones though. Life has not become dull, in fact it stings a lot harder these days.. Life has just dulled me. I just couldn't be bothered.
Summarizing what i wrote above: must get up off my ass. Laughtrip moment today though. I was smoking out with some friends at "the spot" (baka may parak, i'm not even giving codenames :) hehe) One of my friends was just sort of passing by, not really a regular but she stopped by today to smoke. Well, anyway, after a few joints, I was talking to someone close by while she had her back on the front of this CRV, leaning on it. All of a sudden, she started swaying from side to side and started to slide down the car sideways. At first I thought she was just playing around or something till I saw the look on her friend's face and at the same time when I saw her head hit the ground. If the ground was solid and wasn't just gravel full of little stones I would have heard a thump. Can you believe that shit? She's fine, but that was really sayad. I've passed out, but that was on dorms and I never collapsed while standing. That's some wild hit :)
But I feel no gloom, no shame or misery. This is only due to my analytical suppositions that I'll be able to catch up to whatever I missed and need. That and a lot of arrogance and false self-confidence, because I know from experience that my projections are usually inaccurate and biased to whatever I see convenient. Yet I continue to trust my instincts, for how else can I hone them if not through practice? I am my own critic, and I learn to better curse myself by exploring new aspects of myself and life that I can mess up.
But as I said, I do not give any negative vibrations, yet I doubt I can provide too many good ones though. Life has not become dull, in fact it stings a lot harder these days.. Life has just dulled me. I just couldn't be bothered.
Summarizing what i wrote above: must get up off my ass. Laughtrip moment today though. I was smoking out with some friends at "the spot" (baka may parak, i'm not even giving codenames :) hehe) One of my friends was just sort of passing by, not really a regular but she stopped by today to smoke. Well, anyway, after a few joints, I was talking to someone close by while she had her back on the front of this CRV, leaning on it. All of a sudden, she started swaying from side to side and started to slide down the car sideways. At first I thought she was just playing around or something till I saw the look on her friend's face and at the same time when I saw her head hit the ground. If the ground was solid and wasn't just gravel full of little stones I would have heard a thump. Can you believe that shit? She's fine, but that was really sayad. I've passed out, but that was on dorms and I never collapsed while standing. That's some wild hit :)