[FIClet] Not So Little Red Riding Hood aka The Little Red Riding Hood That Went Completely Wrong
Title: Not So Little Red Riding Hood
Length: Ficlet
Genre: Attempted crack
Pairings: HoMin / JaeChun / LeatherSu / JaeChunLawnFurniture
Warnings: Run away. This is attempted crack and flagrant abuse of fairytales
Rating:PG-13
Summary:: Wherein Jejung crossdresses on Sundays, Yuchun is just there for the ride, Junsu wears leather because Hyukjae told him to, Changmin is the only genius in the story and Yunho cosplays as a grandmother. Badly. Very...badly.
I completely blame this on une_topaze. Except, I don't think this is what she wanted exactly. The entire fic was spun from that one scene in the kitchen between Min and Jae, while I was brushing my teeth. Er...go me?
Not So Little Red Riding Hood or Little Red Riding Hood Gone Wrong, So Damn Wrong, Like, Completely.
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful girl in the forest.
Scratch that. Wrong fairytale.
Once upon a time, there lived a handsome young man in the forest.
Not that he lived in the forest per se but the family home was situated near the forest and saying 'he lived in the forest' was way classier and fairytale-like than saying 'oh yeah, that kid lives in that house near the Soo Man forest and watch out for the mom, sheesh.' But we digress. It has been established that he is young, handsome (and a genius but he is saddened to admit that his intellect cannot be readily acknowledged by those whose IQ barely scraped the bottom of the barrel), answers to the name 'Changmin' (or 'Genius!') and was currently contemplating the very pleasant idea of running away from home.
"Let me get this straight, umma--" Changmin said slowly, eyes narrowed and Jejung flipped his hair back in a gesture that was entirely too smooth, grinning brightly. Changmin briefly wondered why his so-called mother was wearing a dress and a long, blond wig complete with curls but a glance at the TVXQ 2009 Calendar (does not come with free shipping!) said that today was Sunday and he nodded, enlightened. Sundays were cosplay days.
"He called me 'umma'!" the older man crowed, and flipped his hair again for good measure. "Did you hear that appa?"
"Yes, I heard it the first time he said it," Yuchun rolled his eyes, lounging indolently against the counter but he immediately quailed under the nasty glare Jejung threw his way.
"Play along, emo-boy or no sex for a week."
"Bastard!"
"Two weeks!"
"AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS RUDELY INTERRUPTED," and Changmin was pleased to note that his 'parents', sick and twisted parodies of parental figures that they were, had been trained well. Both turned quickly, giving him their full attention, and he decided it was good enough to ignore the fact that Jejung was pulling the puppy-dog eyes on him, and Yuchun's was brimming with tears.
Be strong!
"You-" he pointed to Jejung, "--want me to go into the forest and visit my ailing grandmother (and since when did I have a grandmother anyway?) and give him (and on the subject of the nonexistent grandmother, why do I refer to him as 'him'?) the care package you made."
Jejung flounced over to him easily despite the layers of petticoats he wore, snuggling him into his nonexistent bosom. "What a smart boy!" Jejung cooed, raining kisses all over his face. Changmin bore with it patiently, deftly dodging when one particularly enthusiastic kiss almost turned French. He was Korean, dammit, and no French was going to invade his mouth when it was his 'mother' doing it.
"So you're completely ignoring the fact that you're sending me into the forest, alone, with no form of protection whatsoever, when there's been cases of travelers going missing?" Changmin raised his voice, and Jejung and Yuchun broke apart from the impromptu makeout session (instigated by the almost-French kiss when Yuchun insisted that if anyone was going to get Frenched, it was him, dammit, and not their 'son' because that's just incest and sick, Jejung, eew.).
There was a beat, a pause, and Yuchun banged a wooden spatula against a pot for good measure, and Jejung nodded once, firmly. "Yep!"
"...Yeah, fine, whatever. Give me the damn care package."
Changmin was, he felt, rather entitled to feeling a little miffed when Jejung cheerfully handed him a large, woven basket, filled to the brim with food all lovingly packed and covered with a red, checkered cloth. He raised an eyebrow.
"Don't we have a Coleman?"
Yuchun replied, straight-faced, "It doesn't suit the atmosphere."
"Right."
With a little flair that Changmin swore was rehearsed (no one could twirl a cloak around like that and get that precise snap that showed off the fabric's sheen in the warm sunlight through the kitchen window without some practice), Jejung had settled a long, voluminous red cape around his shoulders, fastened in place with a disgustingly cute, red satin bow around his neck and let's not forget the hood, which, Jejung pointed out in ten kinds of glee, had ears. The young man swore he wouldn't open his mouth, swore he wouldn't ask, because sometimes, it just wasn't worth it but alas, even geniuses such as he made mistakes.
"Why," he asked through gritted teeth, "Am I wearing this piece of gay shit?"
"Because," Jejung sniffed, absently twirling a golden curl.
He waited, and Yuchun waited, and Jejung stared back at them, eyes wide and tinted blue (contact lenses, naturally) and humming a song under his breath (Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy").
"Yes?" Changmin prompted.
"Because! I told you already!"
After Yuchun managed to convince Changmin not to kill his 'umma', and after they managed to stop Jejung from trying to brain his 'son' with the rolling pin, because sometimes, love only goes so far, Jejung and Yuchun sent him off with a smile and a wave, the oldest trilling, "And don't come back too soon either! I got plans for your daddy, oh yes I do!"
"Not where the neighbours could hear, JaeJae!"
So it was with a not-so-light heart and a mildly aching back (the damn basket was heavy, for the love of Kannon), that Changmin trekked into Soo Man forest, keeping to the well-worn trail that followed no logical lines but seemed intent, to his annoyance, in taking the most scenic route through the sparse foliage and evergreens. The cloak tended to get caught on brambles and after the fifth attempt at tugging it free, he very nearly tore it off except for the little message he found scrawled along the hem in black marker:
Don't you even THINK about it, Shim Changmin!
Get rid of this and DIE.
No, don't die, I love you! But throw this awesome cloak away and NO BIBIMBAP. EVAr!
Lack of spelling coherency aside, Changmin sadly knew it when Jejung meant business and fashion, or what Jejung believes constitutes as fashion, was one of it.
So on he trekked, cursing the gods, fate, Jejung, the random thorny bush, Jejung, the spinelessness that was Yuchun, Jejung and life in general when lo! He came upon a small clearing in the forest which he knew intrinsically lay only a kilometer south-west from his home, never mind that he had no tracking skills to speak of and should, by all rights, be hopelessly lost by now.
(But this is a fairytale and no one gets lost in fairytales unless you're meant to meet the old lady in the woods who would try to eat you but we've established that this is not that fairytale, but a different one and full with the other kind of fairies, if you get my drift.)
"Oh, hello! Are you lost, little girl?"
Changmin paused, checked himself over carefully (Jejung was a sly, sneaky bastard and even he had to admit that he learned the craft from the master himself) and breathed a sigh of relief. He was still a man, albeit, a man in a very gay, ruby-red cloak and hood with ears attached. But still, you know, a man. Even if living with two of the gayest straight men he ever knew made him think otherwise during those cold, lonely nights when his hard drive crashed and there was no porn to be watched...
"Are you blind or just dumb?" he demanded. "Do I look like a girl?"
The woodsman looked adorably taken aback, eyes wide and mouth gaping open. For a man of the woods, Changmin had to admit that the stranger didn't really fit the role. The reddish hair was too fashionably styled and the hat ala Robin Hood was set at a rakish angle that was not meant to stay on unless by virtue of a hairpin. The leather jerkin looked too new (and too indecent considering he was wearing nothing else underneath besides the leggings and boots), especially considering the bright, sharp axe that was embedded into the tree stump next to the man.
"Er...hi!" the woodsman said instead, waving hesitantly. "My name's Junsu. What are you doing in this forest, little girl? Don't you know it's dang--urk!"
Changmin smiled pleasantly, even as he choked the life out of this fashionably if indecently dressed Junsu. "I. Am. Not. A. Girl. Understand?"
"urgjhaljdkhdk!!!!"
"Good." He released Junsu with a sniff, toeing the tree stump with distaste. "I think I should be asking you that question, Junsu-sshi. What are you doing in Soo Man forest, wearing those clothes and looking like you don't know which end of the axe to swing if your life depended on it?"
Junsu bristled with anger, which, Changmin noted with a smirk, was as scary as a pissed off kitten. "I so know which end to swing, okay?" Junsu huffed crossing his arms indignantly and ignoring the snickering Changmin. "It's just...stuck. But I'm strong enough to pull it out, so there!" he added hastily. "Anyway! It's your fault in the first place! You're supposed to follow the script!"
"What script?" was the blank reply.
"This!" Junsu waved a much battered and abused notebook, looking more and more agitated. "It says here," he stabbed a random page, "that you're supposed to reply, 'Oh hello, kind sir! I'm afraid I lost my way in this dark forest! I'd be ever so grateful if you could help me, kind sir!''"
Changmin managed to spit out the saliva before he choked to death at Junsu's attempt to sound like a young girl.
"What..." he coughed, tried to look serious and managed it for all of three seconds before helpless snickers (no, not giggles, snickers. Giggling, was for girls and Jejung/Yuchun) overcame him. "What...*snerk* what kind of crazy play is staged in an actual forest, Junsu-sshi? And...a-and wearing t-that?"
It took a while, Changmin knew because he kept time, since alas, as it has been established, he was the lone genius in this story, but finally Junsu got the picture, mouth forming an 'o' of dawning understanding and he screamed, "Hyukjae you bastard! I'm going to KILL you!"
Pleased with his good deed of the day (why waste his intelligence if not to spread enlightenment throughout the land?), Changmin went on his less-than-merry way because really, just because he wore gay shit, doesn't mean he had to be gay. So on he walked through the sign-less forest, never once losing his way and soon he came upon a small white cottage in the middle of the forest since, you know, having property in undeveloped land is sure to fetch you a handsome price when a multibillion-dollar corporation come knocking on your iron-banded wooden door bearing a hundred-page contract full of legalese which basically says, 'dude, sign on the dotted line and you'll give us your land and we'll give you a million dollars which makes you a millionaire and us richer in stock and portfolio and the earth, much lesser in green habitats that could foreseably sustain endangered lifeforms for the next hundred years'. Anyway, the point is, he knocked. In a very manly fashion, he'd like to point out. None of that girly rat-a-tat-tat style Yuchun was fond of.
"Grandma, it's me, Changmin, your grandson (obviously) who never knew you existed until this story happened," Changmin called out.
"Oh, Changmin-ah! Come in, come in!"
Ignoring the rather un-old-woman voice his grandmother had, Changmin opened the door, making a mental note to introduce his ailing relative to the wonders of home security. One can never be too careful nowadays after all. (Even if Changmin himself did just enter a nondescript cottage in the middle of uncharted territory when the current occupant, voice-wise, bear absolutely no resemblance to an aged woman who required the attention of younger family members. Because if he didn't, this story would not be written and thus, I just wasted my time writing a story that technically, does not exist. It's all very existential.)
Changmin soon found himself in the bedroom, which he noted, was at least tastefully decorated in quality Laura Ashley. His 'grandmother', not so much.
The woman, and he used that term very loosely, could only be called so if one was extremely, extremely politically correct and had absolutely no wish to infringe upon any gender's wish to wear garments that could be construed as inappropriate clothing to their own natural sex (much like Changmin who was currently wearing a very red, very gay cloak. But we digress). Changmin's grandmother was wearing a frilly nightgown, except, the nightgown was apparently too small and thus, had to be torn through the middle and worn in a vaguely cape-like fashion over shoulders that could gay-ify any straight man. The chest was also simply gay-licious. So were the abs, and he was pretty sure, the legs, which were unfortunately hidden beneath the flowery-printed bedspread. Damn.
"Ehem. Hello, er...Changmin. Grandson. My grandson. Yes. Ehem. My my, what a handsome young man you've grown into."
Changmin regretfully had to stop from trying to see if he had developed x-ray vision in the last five minutes (he hadn't, rest assured) to address his grandmother. "Grandma," he started, then paused. His grandmother's face, alas, he discovered, could also gay-vert a straight man in ten paces. "Alright," he sighed. "I'll play along. Hi Grandma. I come bearing..." he checked, and continued, "Frozen pizzas, a jar of anchovies, ten boxes of natto and various assortment of candied jelly. Courtesy of the two jerks I call my parents, Jejung and Yuchun."
The man-pretending-to-be-his-grandmother-but-since-he-was-damn-sexy-Changmin-would-overlook-it beamed, flashing a thumbs up. "Hello grandson! You are undoubtedly the best grandson a grandmother couldd have! You can call me Grandma Yunho!"
There was a significant pause, made clear to Changmin that it was a significant pause by the fact that the man had whispered, "It's a significant pause."
Changmin wondered if sexiness was really worth it, whether ogling this fine piece of meat was worth the aggravation he could sense coming over the horizon, whether he really ought to go ahead with the petition for emancipation from those lunatics he called 'umma' and 'appa'.
"Yes?" he sighed.
Yunho pouted, throwing the covers off of him and revealing that he was wearing another too-small and torn nightgown to cover his more...prominent bits and waving a suspiciously familiar looking notebook. "You're supposed to say the lines!" the older man whined. "I can't feel my character if you don't say the lines!"
Changmin counted to ten, but it didn't work. He tried banging his head against the door, but only got a mild headache for his efforts and a concerned, "Changmin-ah?" from Yunho before, with a whimper, he succumbed and grabbed the notebook, rapidly scanned through the lines and said, "My, grandma...what....big ears you have." Yes, there goes his IQ.
"The better to hear you with my dear!" Yunho grinned, wiggling happily, which did interesting things to that small, rather see-through dress covering his...bits.
Changmin twitched. "My, grandmother, what big eyes you have."
"The better to see you with my dear!"
Stop wiggling, dammit! "My, grandmother...what big...di-I mean, teeth, you have."
"Oho! The better to bite you with my dear!"
There was, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), a limit to Changmin's patience and the hold on his libido because, genius as he was, he was still a young man. A young man with needs. Very urgent needs. And it has been established that his grandmother can only be called so due to the demands of this story by which we must needs conform to the norms of storytelling, even if this storytelling has no purpose other than to see how ridiculous I can get. And because I'm running out of ideas and I have always believed; end something when the going is still good. Because otherwise it'll just be another "Bold and Beautiful" and god knows I've lost track of who slept with whom and who's mom is actually someone else's stepsister who was abandoned by the father on the cousin's doorstep because he (the father) slept with the secretary who was actually his mother. Yeah.
So Changmin proved that he can't control his libido no matter what a genius he is, and proceded to commit "incest" with his "grandmother" and proved that Grandma Yunho really does have big....er....teeth. Yes. Teeth. Mm. Big ones. Woah, mama.
Yeah. Anyway. So to end it all off, Jejung and Yuchun got slapped with public indecency involving abuse of lawn furniture, Junsu got tricked into wearing leather again and a really long, fake wig while trapped in a tall, phallic-shaped tower and Changmin and Yunho made out like rabid bunnies in that pretty white cottage in the middle of nowhere thus proving that yes, Yunho can gay-ify a man in ten paces and that wearing ruby red gay cloaks could very well lead you to encounters with such men who can gay-ify you in ten paces.
The End.
Author's note #1: I do not ship HoMin. I don't. No matter what you say.
Author's note #2: I have a 2009 TVXQ calendar and yes, it didn't come with free shipping, damn you, YesAsia.
Author's note #3: I have nothing against men wearing leather. In fact, I encourage it, especially if they have an ass like Junsu.
Author's note #4: No actual fairytales were harmed in the making of this piece of wrongness.
Author's note #5: Changmin is a genius and is meant to rule the world as Overlord. Resistance is futile.
Author's note #6: The author's notes are getting as long as the fic itself.
Author's note #7: Jejung and Yuchun are made of awesome win and I would like to read the fic whereby they were accused of public indecency with misuse of lawn furniture.
Author's note #8: I apologise for the existence of this fic. It's all existential. Really.
Length: Ficlet
Genre: Attempted crack
Pairings: HoMin / JaeChun / LeatherSu / JaeChunLawnFurniture
Warnings: Run away. This is attempted crack and flagrant abuse of fairytales
Rating:PG-13
Summary:: Wherein Jejung crossdresses on Sundays, Yuchun is just there for the ride, Junsu wears leather because Hyukjae told him to, Changmin is the only genius in the story and Yunho cosplays as a grandmother. Badly. Very...badly.
I completely blame this on une_topaze. Except, I don't think this is what she wanted exactly. The entire fic was spun from that one scene in the kitchen between Min and Jae, while I was brushing my teeth. Er...go me?
Not So Little Red Riding Hood or Little Red Riding Hood Gone Wrong, So Damn Wrong, Like, Completely.
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful girl in the forest.
Scratch that. Wrong fairytale.
Once upon a time, there lived a handsome young man in the forest.
Not that he lived in the forest per se but the family home was situated near the forest and saying 'he lived in the forest' was way classier and fairytale-like than saying 'oh yeah, that kid lives in that house near the Soo Man forest and watch out for the mom, sheesh.' But we digress. It has been established that he is young, handsome (and a genius but he is saddened to admit that his intellect cannot be readily acknowledged by those whose IQ barely scraped the bottom of the barrel), answers to the name 'Changmin' (or 'Genius!') and was currently contemplating the very pleasant idea of running away from home.
"Let me get this straight, umma--" Changmin said slowly, eyes narrowed and Jejung flipped his hair back in a gesture that was entirely too smooth, grinning brightly. Changmin briefly wondered why his so-called mother was wearing a dress and a long, blond wig complete with curls but a glance at the TVXQ 2009 Calendar (does not come with free shipping!) said that today was Sunday and he nodded, enlightened. Sundays were cosplay days.
"He called me 'umma'!" the older man crowed, and flipped his hair again for good measure. "Did you hear that appa?"
"Yes, I heard it the first time he said it," Yuchun rolled his eyes, lounging indolently against the counter but he immediately quailed under the nasty glare Jejung threw his way.
"Play along, emo-boy or no sex for a week."
"Bastard!"
"Two weeks!"
"AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS RUDELY INTERRUPTED," and Changmin was pleased to note that his 'parents', sick and twisted parodies of parental figures that they were, had been trained well. Both turned quickly, giving him their full attention, and he decided it was good enough to ignore the fact that Jejung was pulling the puppy-dog eyes on him, and Yuchun's was brimming with tears.
Be strong!
"You-" he pointed to Jejung, "--want me to go into the forest and visit my ailing grandmother (and since when did I have a grandmother anyway?) and give him (and on the subject of the nonexistent grandmother, why do I refer to him as 'him'?) the care package you made."
Jejung flounced over to him easily despite the layers of petticoats he wore, snuggling him into his nonexistent bosom. "What a smart boy!" Jejung cooed, raining kisses all over his face. Changmin bore with it patiently, deftly dodging when one particularly enthusiastic kiss almost turned French. He was Korean, dammit, and no French was going to invade his mouth when it was his 'mother' doing it.
"So you're completely ignoring the fact that you're sending me into the forest, alone, with no form of protection whatsoever, when there's been cases of travelers going missing?" Changmin raised his voice, and Jejung and Yuchun broke apart from the impromptu makeout session (instigated by the almost-French kiss when Yuchun insisted that if anyone was going to get Frenched, it was him, dammit, and not their 'son' because that's just incest and sick, Jejung, eew.).
There was a beat, a pause, and Yuchun banged a wooden spatula against a pot for good measure, and Jejung nodded once, firmly. "Yep!"
"...Yeah, fine, whatever. Give me the damn care package."
Changmin was, he felt, rather entitled to feeling a little miffed when Jejung cheerfully handed him a large, woven basket, filled to the brim with food all lovingly packed and covered with a red, checkered cloth. He raised an eyebrow.
"Don't we have a Coleman?"
Yuchun replied, straight-faced, "It doesn't suit the atmosphere."
"Right."
With a little flair that Changmin swore was rehearsed (no one could twirl a cloak around like that and get that precise snap that showed off the fabric's sheen in the warm sunlight through the kitchen window without some practice), Jejung had settled a long, voluminous red cape around his shoulders, fastened in place with a disgustingly cute, red satin bow around his neck and let's not forget the hood, which, Jejung pointed out in ten kinds of glee, had ears. The young man swore he wouldn't open his mouth, swore he wouldn't ask, because sometimes, it just wasn't worth it but alas, even geniuses such as he made mistakes.
"Why," he asked through gritted teeth, "Am I wearing this piece of gay shit?"
"Because," Jejung sniffed, absently twirling a golden curl.
He waited, and Yuchun waited, and Jejung stared back at them, eyes wide and tinted blue (contact lenses, naturally) and humming a song under his breath (Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy").
"Yes?" Changmin prompted.
"Because! I told you already!"
After Yuchun managed to convince Changmin not to kill his 'umma', and after they managed to stop Jejung from trying to brain his 'son' with the rolling pin, because sometimes, love only goes so far, Jejung and Yuchun sent him off with a smile and a wave, the oldest trilling, "And don't come back too soon either! I got plans for your daddy, oh yes I do!"
"Not where the neighbours could hear, JaeJae!"
So it was with a not-so-light heart and a mildly aching back (the damn basket was heavy, for the love of Kannon), that Changmin trekked into Soo Man forest, keeping to the well-worn trail that followed no logical lines but seemed intent, to his annoyance, in taking the most scenic route through the sparse foliage and evergreens. The cloak tended to get caught on brambles and after the fifth attempt at tugging it free, he very nearly tore it off except for the little message he found scrawled along the hem in black marker:
Don't you even THINK about it, Shim Changmin!
Get rid of this and DIE.
No, don't die, I love you! But throw this awesome cloak away and NO BIBIMBAP. EVAr!
Lack of spelling coherency aside, Changmin sadly knew it when Jejung meant business and fashion, or what Jejung believes constitutes as fashion, was one of it.
So on he trekked, cursing the gods, fate, Jejung, the random thorny bush, Jejung, the spinelessness that was Yuchun, Jejung and life in general when lo! He came upon a small clearing in the forest which he knew intrinsically lay only a kilometer south-west from his home, never mind that he had no tracking skills to speak of and should, by all rights, be hopelessly lost by now.
(But this is a fairytale and no one gets lost in fairytales unless you're meant to meet the old lady in the woods who would try to eat you but we've established that this is not that fairytale, but a different one and full with the other kind of fairies, if you get my drift.)
"Oh, hello! Are you lost, little girl?"
Changmin paused, checked himself over carefully (Jejung was a sly, sneaky bastard and even he had to admit that he learned the craft from the master himself) and breathed a sigh of relief. He was still a man, albeit, a man in a very gay, ruby-red cloak and hood with ears attached. But still, you know, a man. Even if living with two of the gayest straight men he ever knew made him think otherwise during those cold, lonely nights when his hard drive crashed and there was no porn to be watched...
"Are you blind or just dumb?" he demanded. "Do I look like a girl?"
The woodsman looked adorably taken aback, eyes wide and mouth gaping open. For a man of the woods, Changmin had to admit that the stranger didn't really fit the role. The reddish hair was too fashionably styled and the hat ala Robin Hood was set at a rakish angle that was not meant to stay on unless by virtue of a hairpin. The leather jerkin looked too new (and too indecent considering he was wearing nothing else underneath besides the leggings and boots), especially considering the bright, sharp axe that was embedded into the tree stump next to the man.
"Er...hi!" the woodsman said instead, waving hesitantly. "My name's Junsu. What are you doing in this forest, little girl? Don't you know it's dang--urk!"
Changmin smiled pleasantly, even as he choked the life out of this fashionably if indecently dressed Junsu. "I. Am. Not. A. Girl. Understand?"
"urgjhaljdkhdk!!!!"
"Good." He released Junsu with a sniff, toeing the tree stump with distaste. "I think I should be asking you that question, Junsu-sshi. What are you doing in Soo Man forest, wearing those clothes and looking like you don't know which end of the axe to swing if your life depended on it?"
Junsu bristled with anger, which, Changmin noted with a smirk, was as scary as a pissed off kitten. "I so know which end to swing, okay?" Junsu huffed crossing his arms indignantly and ignoring the snickering Changmin. "It's just...stuck. But I'm strong enough to pull it out, so there!" he added hastily. "Anyway! It's your fault in the first place! You're supposed to follow the script!"
"What script?" was the blank reply.
"This!" Junsu waved a much battered and abused notebook, looking more and more agitated. "It says here," he stabbed a random page, "that you're supposed to reply, 'Oh hello, kind sir! I'm afraid I lost my way in this dark forest! I'd be ever so grateful if you could help me, kind sir!''"
Changmin managed to spit out the saliva before he choked to death at Junsu's attempt to sound like a young girl.
"What..." he coughed, tried to look serious and managed it for all of three seconds before helpless snickers (no, not giggles, snickers. Giggling, was for girls and Jejung/Yuchun) overcame him. "What...*snerk* what kind of crazy play is staged in an actual forest, Junsu-sshi? And...a-and wearing t-that?"
It took a while, Changmin knew because he kept time, since alas, as it has been established, he was the lone genius in this story, but finally Junsu got the picture, mouth forming an 'o' of dawning understanding and he screamed, "Hyukjae you bastard! I'm going to KILL you!"
Pleased with his good deed of the day (why waste his intelligence if not to spread enlightenment throughout the land?), Changmin went on his less-than-merry way because really, just because he wore gay shit, doesn't mean he had to be gay. So on he walked through the sign-less forest, never once losing his way and soon he came upon a small white cottage in the middle of the forest since, you know, having property in undeveloped land is sure to fetch you a handsome price when a multibillion-dollar corporation come knocking on your iron-banded wooden door bearing a hundred-page contract full of legalese which basically says, 'dude, sign on the dotted line and you'll give us your land and we'll give you a million dollars which makes you a millionaire and us richer in stock and portfolio and the earth, much lesser in green habitats that could foreseably sustain endangered lifeforms for the next hundred years'. Anyway, the point is, he knocked. In a very manly fashion, he'd like to point out. None of that girly rat-a-tat-tat style Yuchun was fond of.
"Grandma, it's me, Changmin, your grandson (obviously) who never knew you existed until this story happened," Changmin called out.
"Oh, Changmin-ah! Come in, come in!"
Ignoring the rather un-old-woman voice his grandmother had, Changmin opened the door, making a mental note to introduce his ailing relative to the wonders of home security. One can never be too careful nowadays after all. (Even if Changmin himself did just enter a nondescript cottage in the middle of uncharted territory when the current occupant, voice-wise, bear absolutely no resemblance to an aged woman who required the attention of younger family members. Because if he didn't, this story would not be written and thus, I just wasted my time writing a story that technically, does not exist. It's all very existential.)
Changmin soon found himself in the bedroom, which he noted, was at least tastefully decorated in quality Laura Ashley. His 'grandmother', not so much.
The woman, and he used that term very loosely, could only be called so if one was extremely, extremely politically correct and had absolutely no wish to infringe upon any gender's wish to wear garments that could be construed as inappropriate clothing to their own natural sex (much like Changmin who was currently wearing a very red, very gay cloak. But we digress). Changmin's grandmother was wearing a frilly nightgown, except, the nightgown was apparently too small and thus, had to be torn through the middle and worn in a vaguely cape-like fashion over shoulders that could gay-ify any straight man. The chest was also simply gay-licious. So were the abs, and he was pretty sure, the legs, which were unfortunately hidden beneath the flowery-printed bedspread. Damn.
"Ehem. Hello, er...Changmin. Grandson. My grandson. Yes. Ehem. My my, what a handsome young man you've grown into."
Changmin regretfully had to stop from trying to see if he had developed x-ray vision in the last five minutes (he hadn't, rest assured) to address his grandmother. "Grandma," he started, then paused. His grandmother's face, alas, he discovered, could also gay-vert a straight man in ten paces. "Alright," he sighed. "I'll play along. Hi Grandma. I come bearing..." he checked, and continued, "Frozen pizzas, a jar of anchovies, ten boxes of natto and various assortment of candied jelly. Courtesy of the two jerks I call my parents, Jejung and Yuchun."
The man-pretending-to-be-his-grandmother-but-since-he-was-damn-sexy-Changmin-would-overlook-it beamed, flashing a thumbs up. "Hello grandson! You are undoubtedly the best grandson a grandmother couldd have! You can call me Grandma Yunho!"
There was a significant pause, made clear to Changmin that it was a significant pause by the fact that the man had whispered, "It's a significant pause."
Changmin wondered if sexiness was really worth it, whether ogling this fine piece of meat was worth the aggravation he could sense coming over the horizon, whether he really ought to go ahead with the petition for emancipation from those lunatics he called 'umma' and 'appa'.
"Yes?" he sighed.
Yunho pouted, throwing the covers off of him and revealing that he was wearing another too-small and torn nightgown to cover his more...prominent bits and waving a suspiciously familiar looking notebook. "You're supposed to say the lines!" the older man whined. "I can't feel my character if you don't say the lines!"
Changmin counted to ten, but it didn't work. He tried banging his head against the door, but only got a mild headache for his efforts and a concerned, "Changmin-ah?" from Yunho before, with a whimper, he succumbed and grabbed the notebook, rapidly scanned through the lines and said, "My, grandma...what....big ears you have." Yes, there goes his IQ.
"The better to hear you with my dear!" Yunho grinned, wiggling happily, which did interesting things to that small, rather see-through dress covering his...bits.
Changmin twitched. "My, grandmother, what big eyes you have."
"The better to see you with my dear!"
Stop wiggling, dammit! "My, grandmother...what big...di-I mean, teeth, you have."
"Oho! The better to bite you with my dear!"
There was, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), a limit to Changmin's patience and the hold on his libido because, genius as he was, he was still a young man. A young man with needs. Very urgent needs. And it has been established that his grandmother can only be called so due to the demands of this story by which we must needs conform to the norms of storytelling, even if this storytelling has no purpose other than to see how ridiculous I can get. And because I'm running out of ideas and I have always believed; end something when the going is still good. Because otherwise it'll just be another "Bold and Beautiful" and god knows I've lost track of who slept with whom and who's mom is actually someone else's stepsister who was abandoned by the father on the cousin's doorstep because he (the father) slept with the secretary who was actually his mother. Yeah.
So Changmin proved that he can't control his libido no matter what a genius he is, and proceded to commit "incest" with his "grandmother" and proved that Grandma Yunho really does have big....er....teeth. Yes. Teeth. Mm. Big ones. Woah, mama.
Yeah. Anyway. So to end it all off, Jejung and Yuchun got slapped with public indecency involving abuse of lawn furniture, Junsu got tricked into wearing leather again and a really long, fake wig while trapped in a tall, phallic-shaped tower and Changmin and Yunho made out like rabid bunnies in that pretty white cottage in the middle of nowhere thus proving that yes, Yunho can gay-ify a man in ten paces and that wearing ruby red gay cloaks could very well lead you to encounters with such men who can gay-ify you in ten paces.
The End.
Author's note #1: I do not ship HoMin. I don't. No matter what you say.
Author's note #2: I have a 2009 TVXQ calendar and yes, it didn't come with free shipping, damn you, YesAsia.
Author's note #3: I have nothing against men wearing leather. In fact, I encourage it, especially if they have an ass like Junsu.
Author's note #4: No actual fairytales were harmed in the making of this piece of wrongness.
Author's note #5: Changmin is a genius and is meant to rule the world as Overlord. Resistance is futile.
Author's note #6: The author's notes are getting as long as the fic itself.
Author's note #7: Jejung and Yuchun are made of awesome win and I would like to read the fic whereby they were accused of public indecency with misuse of lawn furniture.
Author's note #8: I apologise for the existence of this fic. It's all existential. Really.