the da vinci code
session was incredibly helpful. i eased back into my center, slow motion, tears coming like a graceful rain without bracing against them. steve has such gentleness without intruding. afterwards i felt aglow for a few hours, even saw the beauty in floral suburbia as we drove through it in rush hour traffic. now i am somewhat back in stressball but not feeling so much like it's going to fragment me, trying to figure out how to get home. & where home is anyhow, because really, i have experienced a more acute sense of safety here than i've felt at home in a long time. if it weren't for the lit kids i'd be staying here for awhile, i think. just stay here in the simple sun. i'm so tired of preplanning everything.
home is where i take care of others. here is where i take care of me. there needs to be more integration than that. i have no idea how to live in minnesota without being 'good', without caretaking everyone around me in a fervent search that they might in turn someday take care of me. ely experienced that. i didn't know that was what was happening & i couldn't, then, because all that i was screamed in blind need for the clean love an infant begs & deserves & until i had it, from his sacred heart, i couldn't see past anything else. my caretaking is in part unwholesome because of this & i didn't know that until recently. i need to find a new place to source my lovegiving, because i know it is abundant & useful. but in order to honor those i love i need to give care, not caretake, & have it be truly unconditional unless we're openly establishing a back-and-forth. & part of me thinks too now that my hellbent focus on sanctifying only unconditional love & giving is the part of me that has been desperately trying to bring forth by modeling the kind of love i needed and didn't get as an infant. and now that i'm beginning to heal some of those wounds fully, maybe, it seems just as appropriate to have back-and-forth relationships because mostly, that truly is the physics of existence. give and take. though i'm happier participating in the cosmic potluck of giving cleanly and trusting the return, rather than careful measure & barter. but both are ok. & maybe so am i.
garth is doing pushups & pullups next to me with a backpack full of gallon jugs of water on his back. he put joy division on. my nose itches & i'm beginning to get a zit on the inside of it. we built the loft he's dangling from this very minute. i haven't written any poems in awhile.
home is where i take care of others. here is where i take care of me. there needs to be more integration than that. i have no idea how to live in minnesota without being 'good', without caretaking everyone around me in a fervent search that they might in turn someday take care of me. ely experienced that. i didn't know that was what was happening & i couldn't, then, because all that i was screamed in blind need for the clean love an infant begs & deserves & until i had it, from his sacred heart, i couldn't see past anything else. my caretaking is in part unwholesome because of this & i didn't know that until recently. i need to find a new place to source my lovegiving, because i know it is abundant & useful. but in order to honor those i love i need to give care, not caretake, & have it be truly unconditional unless we're openly establishing a back-and-forth. & part of me thinks too now that my hellbent focus on sanctifying only unconditional love & giving is the part of me that has been desperately trying to bring forth by modeling the kind of love i needed and didn't get as an infant. and now that i'm beginning to heal some of those wounds fully, maybe, it seems just as appropriate to have back-and-forth relationships because mostly, that truly is the physics of existence. give and take. though i'm happier participating in the cosmic potluck of giving cleanly and trusting the return, rather than careful measure & barter. but both are ok. & maybe so am i.
garth is doing pushups & pullups next to me with a backpack full of gallon jugs of water on his back. he put joy division on. my nose itches & i'm beginning to get a zit on the inside of it. we built the loft he's dangling from this very minute. i haven't written any poems in awhile.