I'm Back.
It's been a year now since I started disappearing from this journal.
A year since I fell off the cliff that was college.
A year since I met Steve.
---
I’ve been wanting to come back for a long time.
When I say ‘back’ I mean to my previous independent, creative, communicative self;
to my friends, the majority of whom I stopped calling and writing in the past year;
to my online presence, that has been cut up and left deteriorating.
While it’s difficult for me to make the jump in full right now, this entry is the beginning of my
coming out of hiding and back into the habits which made me whole.
---
BREAK-UP & MOVE
Steve may not have intended for our relationship to cause my depression and identity crisis
--if anything, he actively tried to support me through the difficult post-graduate year--but
there were aspects of our cohabitation and codependency that seemed to amplify (or, at the
very least, parallel) the issues I was having. It also made it easy for me to cut myself off
from people, burrowing into our romantic drama until I couldn’t breathe, resenting and reveling
in my situation simultaneously.
Two weeks ago I finally moved out.
The break itself was made in early April, two weeks before our one-year anniversary.
The month that followed revealed to be deceivingly pleasant...when we weren’t screaming
at each other and crying in our separate corners of the one-room studio.
The first few days after the move were really difficult. I felt like I was coming off a drug,
craving physical contact and constant conversation, uncomfortable with the time I had to
fill up by myself. Since then, my impulse to clutter my mind to avoid thinking about my own
pursuits and responsibilities has eased tremendously, my initial desire to have
private space and time proving to be true.
I’ve missed coming home and going to bed at random hours,
I’ve missed sleeping next to my stack of books and notes and not worrying about
my partner’s schedule/comfort/mood.
I’m not a pushover but I’m exceedingly attuned to other people and often make adjustments
in myself to keep both parties happy. Steve may not have asked for any compromises,
but this aspect of my character made the live-in relationship exhausting for me at times.
---
I realize that any information I mention about my past year’s relationship
is still out of context here. My friend Justin is possibly the only person who’s been
exposed to enough of the situation to realize the spectrum of my feelings for Steve.
I really did love him. He was essentially the first love of my “adult” life and the
side-effects of this are huge. For better or worse, he exposed me to aspects of myself
I simply could not have accessed otherwise.
For instance, I hated him for introducing me to the concept of cheating, but the situation
also made me more assertive and less judgmental of people’s romantic choices.
Relationships are grey things, logic is sparse.
In a lot of ways Steve was exactly what I had wanted for a long time. An extrovert who
would push me to be more candidly expressive, whose feelings for me were clear
from the start, unwavering despite my own confusion and moodiness. The reason
I kept getting back together with him is that I was afraid I could not find a comparable
replacement in the future. Furthermore, my gratitude to him would sometimes
appear to me as love. After all, Steve was the only one who saw me through those
heartbreaking episodes of early failed job pursuits; he was the only one who didn't dismiss or
freak out at my displays of antisocial tendencies, but was also reciprocative when I felt
childishly affectionate and silly. I’d never shared so much with a person before.
But then more and more things began to irritate me, we fought every few days, and
I wanted out more than ever. It was a different kind of feeling than I had in November
when the first break-up occurred. It was a disappointed realization that this was not
something we could repair. For a couple that had only been together a year,
we had already accumulated too much baggage, too many annoyances and issues
that would never go away.
It was no longer an angry or bored kind of break-up.
I had to extricate myself from the situation while I still had a smidgen of myself
that wasn't lost in this mess of codependency and resentment.
---
WORK
My work situation continues to be at the core of my dissatisfaction and frustration with my life.
Things are less dire than than they were even 6 months ago. I’m paying my own rent
and credit card and food bill. The parents have helped several times to minimize my visa debt,
but overall the path is steadying and even minimal health insurance seems within my reach.
The main problem is that I’ve not applied for any writing or editorial jobs in many months now,
fear of continued non-responses stagnating me more than ever. I still crave those positions,
I’ve just given up for a while. I hope the move will spur me on to return to the search.
---
I was working at the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards for a good 3 months
earlier this year. I was happy despite the fact that the job was data entry and phone calls.
If I could get a job on the editorial side of the company, I would be ecstatic.
---
Now I jump from temp job to temp job, excited about being in new locations
and a steady paycheck without the pressures of a ‘real’ job. I like the time off, too,
though I know I’m not supposed to.
---
PROJECTS
My latest print project was revealed briefly on flickr and made it’s actual debut in Boston
at the Zine Fair. Since the fair, I’ve actually modified it slightly, adding and subtracting
certain images and generally adding to the contrast of the illustrations,
making for a cleaner print and brighter colors.
The zine is called FUCK YOU: Pictures From the Heart and is a collection of illustrations
and fiction vignettes I’ve done during the course of my relationship with Steve.
The words ‘Fuck You’ are intended to evoke the mix of love and frustration we’ve experienced.
In a sense, this is very different from the diary-like publications before this, but
ultimately I think it’s more personal than anything I ever put out. The pictures are not
spectacular but consistent with my style of overlapping cartoonish bodies and faces
with haunting and sarcastic remarks. Colored markers and pencils were used to amplify
the childishness of some of the drawings, but this doesn’t take away the depression
that radiates through some of the pieces.
Because I’ve been printing the issues on my own printer, it’s been difficult to determine
an appropriate price for the booklets. At the Zine Fair I was charging 4$, which seems
approximately enough. What you have to keep in mind is that I make each one individually,
cutting and stapling it by hand, altering the order of the pages slightly each time
according to my mood. Each issue is individualized.
I’ll be setting up an official ‘BUY NOW’ button soon here and on my myspace
(..on my website too if I can manage to get that back up sometime soon), in the mean time
you can send me an e-mail me (theskyeisfalling at GEEHMALE dot com)
with a request for an issue and I’ll in turn send you
the address where to mail the $.
---
I’m also going to be re-issuing the last ‘The Skye is Falling’ Zine under the new title of
‘PEOPLE I MET OFF THE INTERNET.’ I’ll be adding some things to it and eliminating others.
Details about that will be released in the weeks to come.
---
WEBSITE
The restrictions of my old host were annoying me,
so I scrapped theskyeisfalling.com in November.
Now “the skye is falling” moniker is irking me too
and I’m still not entirely sure what title I’ll use
once the off-line version of the website is complete.
Maybe just ksen.
Feel free to make suggestions.
---
There are details from my life of the past few months that are missing here.
I hope to reveal them in a less dense manner in the entries that will follow this one in “real time.”
As of now I want to post a friends-only entry about the past week, and specifically yesterday.
That may change or be postponed until Sunday.
Overall, expect entries to be posted here as they once were--ranging from once a week
to once a day.
A year since I fell off the cliff that was college.
A year since I met Steve.
---
I’ve been wanting to come back for a long time.
When I say ‘back’ I mean to my previous independent, creative, communicative self;
to my friends, the majority of whom I stopped calling and writing in the past year;
to my online presence, that has been cut up and left deteriorating.
While it’s difficult for me to make the jump in full right now, this entry is the beginning of my
coming out of hiding and back into the habits which made me whole.
---
BREAK-UP & MOVE
Steve may not have intended for our relationship to cause my depression and identity crisis
--if anything, he actively tried to support me through the difficult post-graduate year--but
there were aspects of our cohabitation and codependency that seemed to amplify (or, at the
very least, parallel) the issues I was having. It also made it easy for me to cut myself off
from people, burrowing into our romantic drama until I couldn’t breathe, resenting and reveling
in my situation simultaneously.
Two weeks ago I finally moved out.
The break itself was made in early April, two weeks before our one-year anniversary.
The month that followed revealed to be deceivingly pleasant...when we weren’t screaming
at each other and crying in our separate corners of the one-room studio.
The first few days after the move were really difficult. I felt like I was coming off a drug,
craving physical contact and constant conversation, uncomfortable with the time I had to
fill up by myself. Since then, my impulse to clutter my mind to avoid thinking about my own
pursuits and responsibilities has eased tremendously, my initial desire to have
private space and time proving to be true.
I’ve missed coming home and going to bed at random hours,
I’ve missed sleeping next to my stack of books and notes and not worrying about
my partner’s schedule/comfort/mood.
I’m not a pushover but I’m exceedingly attuned to other people and often make adjustments
in myself to keep both parties happy. Steve may not have asked for any compromises,
but this aspect of my character made the live-in relationship exhausting for me at times.
---
I realize that any information I mention about my past year’s relationship
is still out of context here. My friend Justin is possibly the only person who’s been
exposed to enough of the situation to realize the spectrum of my feelings for Steve.
I really did love him. He was essentially the first love of my “adult” life and the
side-effects of this are huge. For better or worse, he exposed me to aspects of myself
I simply could not have accessed otherwise.
For instance, I hated him for introducing me to the concept of cheating, but the situation
also made me more assertive and less judgmental of people’s romantic choices.
Relationships are grey things, logic is sparse.
In a lot of ways Steve was exactly what I had wanted for a long time. An extrovert who
would push me to be more candidly expressive, whose feelings for me were clear
from the start, unwavering despite my own confusion and moodiness. The reason
I kept getting back together with him is that I was afraid I could not find a comparable
replacement in the future. Furthermore, my gratitude to him would sometimes
appear to me as love. After all, Steve was the only one who saw me through those
heartbreaking episodes of early failed job pursuits; he was the only one who didn't dismiss or
freak out at my displays of antisocial tendencies, but was also reciprocative when I felt
childishly affectionate and silly. I’d never shared so much with a person before.
But then more and more things began to irritate me, we fought every few days, and
I wanted out more than ever. It was a different kind of feeling than I had in November
when the first break-up occurred. It was a disappointed realization that this was not
something we could repair. For a couple that had only been together a year,
we had already accumulated too much baggage, too many annoyances and issues
that would never go away.
It was no longer an angry or bored kind of break-up.
I had to extricate myself from the situation while I still had a smidgen of myself
that wasn't lost in this mess of codependency and resentment.
---
WORK
My work situation continues to be at the core of my dissatisfaction and frustration with my life.
Things are less dire than than they were even 6 months ago. I’m paying my own rent
and credit card and food bill. The parents have helped several times to minimize my visa debt,
but overall the path is steadying and even minimal health insurance seems within my reach.
The main problem is that I’ve not applied for any writing or editorial jobs in many months now,
fear of continued non-responses stagnating me more than ever. I still crave those positions,
I’ve just given up for a while. I hope the move will spur me on to return to the search.
---
I was working at the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards for a good 3 months
earlier this year. I was happy despite the fact that the job was data entry and phone calls.
If I could get a job on the editorial side of the company, I would be ecstatic.
---
Now I jump from temp job to temp job, excited about being in new locations
and a steady paycheck without the pressures of a ‘real’ job. I like the time off, too,
though I know I’m not supposed to.
---
PROJECTS
My latest print project was revealed briefly on flickr and made it’s actual debut in Boston
at the Zine Fair. Since the fair, I’ve actually modified it slightly, adding and subtracting
certain images and generally adding to the contrast of the illustrations,
making for a cleaner print and brighter colors.
The zine is called FUCK YOU: Pictures From the Heart and is a collection of illustrations
and fiction vignettes I’ve done during the course of my relationship with Steve.
The words ‘Fuck You’ are intended to evoke the mix of love and frustration we’ve experienced.
In a sense, this is very different from the diary-like publications before this, but
ultimately I think it’s more personal than anything I ever put out. The pictures are not
spectacular but consistent with my style of overlapping cartoonish bodies and faces
with haunting and sarcastic remarks. Colored markers and pencils were used to amplify
the childishness of some of the drawings, but this doesn’t take away the depression
that radiates through some of the pieces.
Because I’ve been printing the issues on my own printer, it’s been difficult to determine
an appropriate price for the booklets. At the Zine Fair I was charging 4$, which seems
approximately enough. What you have to keep in mind is that I make each one individually,
cutting and stapling it by hand, altering the order of the pages slightly each time
according to my mood. Each issue is individualized.
I’ll be setting up an official ‘BUY NOW’ button soon here and on my myspace
(..on my website too if I can manage to get that back up sometime soon), in the mean time
you can send me an e-mail me (theskyeisfalling at GEEHMALE dot com)
with a request for an issue and I’ll in turn send you
the address where to mail the $.
---
I’m also going to be re-issuing the last ‘The Skye is Falling’ Zine under the new title of
‘PEOPLE I MET OFF THE INTERNET.’ I’ll be adding some things to it and eliminating others.
Details about that will be released in the weeks to come.
---
WEBSITE
The restrictions of my old host were annoying me,
so I scrapped theskyeisfalling.com in November.
Now “the skye is falling” moniker is irking me too
and I’m still not entirely sure what title I’ll use
once the off-line version of the website is complete.
Maybe just ksen.
Feel free to make suggestions.
---
There are details from my life of the past few months that are missing here.
I hope to reveal them in a less dense manner in the entries that will follow this one in “real time.”
As of now I want to post a friends-only entry about the past week, and specifically yesterday.
That may change or be postponed until Sunday.
Overall, expect entries to be posted here as they once were--ranging from once a week
to once a day.