Agent Isaiah speaking. Here's the log of our first job together.
Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or any of its characters. Agents Isaiah and Mara are multi-fandom and belong to me. The idea of the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, and is used with permission.
Many thanks to my beta, Writer from Rivendell, for proofreading.
Secondly, thank you for all of the wonderful reviews! You were very encouraging and most helpful.
I believe I said last time that this chapter would contain a double Sue. I lied. While perusing one of the stories, I encountered a third original female character. She was quite obnoxious. So, strap yourselves in and prepare for a lengthy, triple PPCing.
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Isaiah stepped out of the portal into a pleasant landscape. The sky was vibrantly colored red, orange, and purple, and the agent spotted a few clouds far away. The narrator of the story went on to describe a typical Tortugan scene-quite accurately, to Isaiah's surprise.
He took out his scroll and let the tip of his pen rest on the parchment. Judging by the last travesty he had tackled, Isaiah was confident of getting writer's cramp within the next ten minutes. No Sue was in sight yet; that meant that he didn't have to conceal himself.
The canon universe automatically protected PPC agents from exposure to everyone in the story except the original characters. The disguise generator that had transformed him into a pirate didn't hurt either. As a new PPCer, he hadn't realized that agents were supposed to go in wearing disguises and not their uniforms until he had gotten a memo from the Sunflower Official soon after his morning briefing.
Isaiah shifted his eye patch a little to the right and fingered his single gold earring nervously. He caught a glimpse of Captain Jack, tensed, and prepared himself for the worst. At least the wily captain had retained his trademark saunter, wending through the fetid streets of Tortuga.
'Rum an women - what more is there teh life?' Jack pondered cheerily as he took in another deep breath of the salty ocean breeze.
"There should be an apostrophe after the 'n' in 'an', and I don't remember him saying 'teh' anywhere in the film," Isaiah murmured. "Still, Jack's basically in character." He took out his Canon Analysis Device.
[Jack Sparrow. Pardon. CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. Canon. Male. Out of character 1.2%.]
"That's got to be the lowest reading ever," the agent marveled, staring incredulously at the letters. His pen retreated a few inches from the top of the parchment.
A pleasant sound, like a low pipe organ humming, was coming from the CAD. Isaiah frowned at it. Was the CAD…cooing?
"What do you know, this might actually be a decent stor-eeewww."
According to the narration, Jack didn't drink because he was a pirate, or because he liked the taste of rum, but rather because he longed to fill the emptiness inside him, for he had no woman that loved him.
Isaiah tried to slap his forehead, but forgot that he was holding the pen and ended up poking his transformed, and therefore vacant, left eye socket. The CAD stopped cooing and gave a little whine. The reading had jumped up to 28%.
"With good reason," Isaiah growled. "Jack loves the Black Pearl, and only the Black Pearl. How hard is it to figure that out from the movie?" If the captain had ever had any desire to be loved and not just bedded, he hadn't shown it in the original story.
Captain Sparrow walked into a pub-the "Man's Best Friend", the fic informed him-ordered rum, and became intrigued by the image of gold flecks dancing across the bar ceiling.
"Okaaaay…"
Then the trouble started. The gold had been merely reflected light.
But the gold wasn't on the ceiling like it was before. It was located around the waist of a young pirate girl, as a chain belt. Jack's jaw dropped and his heartbeat raced.
The CAD began to give off a long, low keen.
"Aww," Isaiah groaned. "And it was going so well. Jack's mouth didn't drop open for undead pirates; why in the world would he be slack-jawed over a random wench?"
"He had just seen the most beautiful girl in the world," the narrator announced dramatically. "And he was determined to have her."
At that moment, something strange happened. The world around the agent trembled, and a translucent silver shimmering, like a gelatin curtain, was superimposed over the pirate lass. The coating spread, leaking to other parts of the scenery, and Isaiah surveyed the scene with alarm.
He whipped out his portal generator with its built-in communicator.
"Upstairs?" he called. "PPC Headquarters? This is Agent Isaiah reporting an unknown phenomenon in File 1447731. Repeat, unknown phenomenon encompassing the story. May have deleterious effect on both canon and agent."
He bit his lip and looked at the squirming mass, which was beginning to take over the bar stools. He could always make a run for it, activating a portal and reporting the phenomenon as possibly hazardous, which it almost certainly was, since it seemed to be devouring the story. Still, Isaiah's combined curiosity and stubbornness won out easily. He would stay.
He took out his CAD and shook it in the direction of where the girl had been.
[Glurbleburble,] responded the CAD.
"Thanks, that helps tremendously."
He banged the device against the wall, then had it scan the ever-widening abnormality from left to right. A hint of a true reading was evident a few seconds later, but it was garbled.
[fatphoenix noncanonnoncanon Mary Sue.]
Isaiah raised his eyebrows. Fat Phoenix? Surely this author could not have named the OC that.
And then:
[Jack-out-of-character-59 % and rising. CHARACTER RUPTURE IMMINENT!]
"Jack?" Isaiah glanced back. "But…" The pirate captain was located behind the agent, still sitting at the bar, seemingly unaware of the changes taking place around him.
"That's it. The CAD's not working. I wonder-” Isaiah stretched out a hand tentatively toward the substance. He retracted it slightly, considering the possibilities. Gathering his courage, he brushed against the glistening substance with his fingertips. It felt like pressing fingers into very thick pudding. Beyond the ooze, there was air.
Isaiah took a deep breath and stuck his head through. Immediately, the rest of him was yanked forward.
"Whoa…oof!"
The agent landed on his forearms. The parchment crinkled beneath him, and there was a crisp snap as his pen hit the floor under his weight. To his left, a large rat squeaked and scampered off into the shadows.
Isaiah took a moment to regard his broken quill with a grimace. He pulled the scroll out from under him and climbed to his feet.
"What the-" he looked around in amazement. It was Port Royal! Or rather, it was the dungeon of Fort Charles near the canonical Port Royal. Sunlight formed a patchwork pattern as it shone between the iron grid of cell bars. Isaiah spotted Jack crouched in the cell in front of him, peering through the bars with a bedazzled expression.
My fall must have been too blatant to be concealed by the canon universe, Isaiah realized.
To make matters infinitely worse, between the captain and Isaiah stood a young woman.
The agent froze.
The damsel was, quite plainly, a Mary Sue. She was lovely, with long black hair and multicolored eyes. She had the cocky attitude of a character who knew that she, as the vehicle for her creator's wish-fulfillment fantasy, couldn't be harmed or humiliated too badly. Isaiah had no doubt that she was the cause of Jack's slightly glazed countenance.
The PPC agent was still in his buccaneer disguise, which would be enough to stop most sensible unarmed civilians from approaching him, let alone attacking him. Unfortunately, as soon as the Sue spotted him, she promptly got into a battle stance.
Oh, lovely, Isaiah thought, reaching for his grapnel hook. A Warrior!Sue.
The Sue started forward, fists raised. Fortunately, Isaiah's arrival seemed to have startled Captain Sparrow back into character for a moment. He looked, cautiously interested, at Isaiah, then addressed the woman with his customary cockiness.
"Sure you want to be layin' hands on the likes o' him, darlin'?"
The Sue completely forgot about the agent as all of her attention focused on Jack.
Noticing her stare, he grinned cheekily. "Doesn't look too friendly, does he? I, on the other hand, would voice no objection to being manhandled by such a beauteous-"
All of a sudden, a rough hand grabbed Isaiah by the shoulder and yanked him back toward the entrance to the prison.
"What do you think you're doing?" demanded a voice. "She's my prey!"
Isaiah couldn't see the figure that was putting severe strain on his clavicle, but judging by the reference to assassination, it had to be another agent. From what he could hear, the speaker was female, and her voice was rather strained.
"PPC?" he ventured.
The viselike grip relaxed a little. "Agent Mara, Department of Mary Sues."
"I got pulled in," Isaiah responded in a slightly louder but far more genial voice. "I was PPCing and something weird happened-"
"Well, go back to that fic or portal to Upstairs," the agent said flatly. With curiosity, "How did you get here, anyway?"
"I'm not sure myself. There was a strange, silvery mass that just sort of appeared in the story, and when I investigated I got sucked into this fic. Didn't you see anything funny?"
"What do you-"
The Sue stepped into the light, giving Jack an excellent view of her face and scantily clad figure. The next moment, she was engulfed in the same wave of semi-liquid silver. As before, Jack seemed not to notice.
"There! That…thing, that's what took over the story I was in!" Isaiah said, too baffled to be articulate.
"Whoa," the other agent murmured. "I've never seen that before."
Isaiah handed over a computer pad with the text to the story on it. "Have a look. Maybe there's a connection between the two stories."
Mara quickly took the device from him and scanned it. "Hmm…not a bad fic, as stories go…mostly that dreadful line. 'Most beautiful girl in the world' my-"
There was a sudden silence, followed a sharp intake of breath.
"I think I know what's wrong," whispered Mara. She handed over her own script. "Look at the line we've just come to in my own story."
Isaiah took out his reading glasses and glanced at the sentence.
Into Jack's sight walked perhaps the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
There was a heavy sigh. "That's what comes of unoriginal writing. The sentences are so close that the ficverse worlds must have fused at this point. I don't suppose you were trained in how to quarantine stories, were you?"
Isaiah shook his head. "I was only recruited last week."
"Quarantines are sometimes used in bad crossover fics," Mara explained. "To avoid contamination of the storylines, we have to activate a portal to PPC Headquarters at the site of the fusion, forcing the two ficverses apart. We jump through the portal, you go back into your fic, and I go back into mine. I hope it works with this phenomenon."
"Won't that attract everyone's attention, though?" Isaiah asked. "Why not just open a portal to the canonical prison? None of the characters will notice the difference. That way, we both PPC this fic, grab Mary Sue, close the portal, and slip through the shining goo to the other story. I was just about done with it, anyway."
"Grab Mary Sue? I'd say just kill her. Besides, eventually the stories will be completely inseparable," Mara pointed out.
"And when they are, the two most beautiful women that Jack has ever seen will meet each other."
Pause.
With a voice that had to be accompanied by a grin, Mara answered, "I like your thinking, Recruit. Let's go."
With that, Mara darted out of the recesses of the prison, pressed a button, and threw the portal generator at the Sue. A few seconds later, the agents were back at the beginning of the fic, facing a solitary pirate captain who was once again sentenced to the noose. A sudden disturbance interrupted his brooding.
"Now boys, there is no reason for you to handle me so roughly; I came willingly after all." Came a feminine voice from down the hall.
Well, there was the first of the bad punctuation. There were two missing commas and a period-comma switch in one sentence, and that was besides the gratuitous capitalization. Isaiah shook off the urge to shut his eyes out of sheer annoyance and fixed his gaze in the direction of the voice. "That must be our culprit."
"Yeah, after you knocked out twelve of the guards who were sent to capture you." Said a guard with a heavy British accent.
"Eh?" Isaiah looked at the other agent, confused. "A heavy British accent? What does that mean, since everyone has a British accent here?"
Mara, meanwhile, held out a sizeable clipboard and was busily jotting down offenses. "Fights impossibly well," she noted in the margins. "That skinny thing against twelve soldiers? I am sorry, but no one clobbers a dozen guards single-handedly without sporting any kind of injury."
"She wasn't harmed at all? Not even a bruise?"
"Why, of course not. That would tarnish her model image. Oh, and here. Have a pen. Yours seems to have died honorably on the field of battle."
The Sue made her debut again, as the most beautiful woman that Jack had ever seen.
Scritch, went Isaiah's pen.
She had wild long black hair and dark eyes that seemed to change colors in the light.
The effect this description had was very…interesting. Mary Sue brought a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Kaleidoscope eyes".
"And 'wild' hair?" Mara interjected. "As in, uncombed, not done up? If you were an adult female and wore your hair loose in the 17th century, guess what you were considered to be?"
"An equally loose woman?" Isaiah hazarded gleefully.
"You bet."
The Sue's attire consisted of unusually short brown breeches, a "revealing" red blouse and a matching bandanna.
"Must it always be revealing?" Mara snapped. "The author obviously means her to be a heroine, not a slut, but I don't know how the Sue can miss the fact that the she's just asking to be propositioned."
"Maybe that's why Jack's interested in her."
"No, it can't be. That would be canonically accurate."
After Mary Sue was finished with her awe-inspiring entrance, the guards decided to shove her into the cell next to Jack. Isaiah silently applauded the guards, but his expression soured as the woman didn't fall, or even stumble, but instead "gracefully retained her balance".
"When you're pushed hard by two men twice your weight, it's natural for you to stumble, nitwit." That was Mara. Isaiah heard her mutter a few choice words under her breath along with, "Not enough that we're…most beautiful…oh no…must be graceful, as well…what's next…rapier wit?"
Mara certainly seemed to have had experience with this kind of Sue, for no sooner had she spoken than the young woman paused her demonstration of ballerina poise and sassed the guards. Again. "Well I suppose this is goodbye boys. This cell won't hold me for long."
"YEE-haw!"
"She does sound like a cowgirl, doesn't she?"
An unwieldy attempt at cockiness, Mara wrote.
The guards and the Sue had another laughable exchange of words, with the Sue, of course, winning out. Isaiah, trying to distract himself from more bad punctuation, managed, "Should we charge her for her…rapier wit, then?"
Mara wrinkled her nose disdainfully. "For a pronounced lack thereof, certainly. If she were witty, I'd consider docking a charge from the list. It's been so long since I've actually seen a smart, and not merely smart-mouthed, Sue."
Isaiah looked back at the Words, and saw that Jack was questioning her on how to escape. The Sue regarded him with a "long look".
"A scrutinizing long look."
"Of course. She's merely sizing Jack up."
"Not ogling him."
"Whoever would suspect her of such a thing?"
Deus ex machina number one came up as the Sue held out the guards' keys. Jack asked if the Sue wanted to let him out.
"To which she replied, 'You're a scruffy-looking pirate in prison, whom I don't know, and it would be extremely dangerous and very foolhardy to try to liberate you', right?" Isaiah said acidly.
He got a snarl in response. Mara jabbed her finger at the Words.
Jack looked impressed.
"IMPRESSED?" Mara's outraged exclamation was several notches above a whisper. "I've never EVER seen Jack impressed-not by the supernatural-not by Will's far more original means of escape-not by mounds of jewels-"
Isaiah cleared his throat and pointed the CAD in the captain's direction.
[Captain Jack Sparrow. Canon. Male. Out of character 42.5 %]
Then the Mary Sue got around to introducing herself. Isaiah's brief cough turned into choking.
Mara stopped shaking her fist at the Sue and leaned over his shoulder. "What?"
Isaiah was nearly lost for words. "Her-name…dear Eru, her name's Fatima! And she's nicknamed Pheonix!"
"Pheonix?" Mara grated. "That's not even a word!"
"Well, at least I know why the CAD referred to this Sue as 'Fatphoenix' when the fics fused. "
"You know, I think I like that name much better."
Isaiah quirked his eyebrows at the young lady. It took him five minutes to write down all the things wrong with her name choices. Meanwhile, the story continued to crawl forward.
Fatima was a thief. Which really didn't explain her attire. If were at all competent in her profession, she would want to appear as unremarkable at possible. There was nothing more detrimental to a female crook than attracting attention by swaggering down the streets of Port Royal wearing pants and a low-cut blouse. Ignoring all logic and common sense, the Sue decided to free Jack by…well, the agents were really sure what she was up to. She pulled out what she described as a "Long paper tube" out from her confiscated bags, which she hadn't been described as having in the first place. They probably would have kept her from being graceful, Isaiah thought knowingly.
The CAD squealed unpleasantly. Mara clamped her hand over the speaker.
Isaiah stared at Jack. He had looked nervous at the sight of the cylindrical device, which resembled a Chinese rocket. Captain Jack Sparrow. Nervous over a firework.
The agent scrunched his eyes shut for a moment, trying to control his temper, and forced them open again hurriedly when the Sue produced fire "seemingly from nowhere" and lit the fuse.
"It's magic!" exclaimed Isaiah with false enthusiasm.
"It's Deux Ex Machina Number Two."
"Sorcery!" Out of Character Jack declared.
"Where did she get a firework from, anyway?"
"It says she bought them off an 'oriental merchant' in England. Nice try, Sue, but China was an isolationist country at the time, and didn't particularly welcome contact with the outside world, particularly Britain. Never try to fudge your history. You’ll just come off as sloppy."
"Especially in front of you, I take it." Isaiah watched as Jack and Fatima fled through the doorway after the firework burst a few blocks away. "It magically got through the bars on the window…wasn't it lodged between the bars on the cell itself?"
"Yes. And furthermore, the bars are not small enough to hold the tube snugly."
"So, in reality it would have fallen out and killed her."
"Don't say that, or I'll start fantasizing about logic taking over the story. Were it applicable at all, we wouldn't be here."
The agents waited until Jack and Fatima had escaped the prison, then darted after them. Isaiah chanced a quick glance in the direction of his fellow agent, whom he hadn't had a chance to see in the light, and found that she was dressed as a rather unkempt woman. Mara could have been a serving girl or a down-on-her-luck wayfarer. She had crimped black hair done up rather messily and skin only slightly brown, though her profile suggested that she was from Mexico or Central America. Mara, in turn, gave him a quick once-over before they both ducked behind a pair of reeking barrels.
Jack sighed in relief at the success of the escape, at which point Isaiah was forced to muffle Mara's indignant protests. The captain thanked Fatima, leaving out more punctuation in the process, used the word "stuff" in a modern fashion, and got a sarcastic answer back from the young woman. Mara was now practicing her painfully firm grip on the handle of a sleek period pistol which looked remarkably like Jack's.
"CJS is your favorite character, then?" Isaiah surmised. Mara's sheepish grin was answer enough.
The guards had apprehended a young woman whom they thought was a witch for supposedly setting off the firework, which they believed was a supernatural device. ("Never mind that fireworks were introduced to Europe, oh, at about the time of the Crusades, and had made their way to the New World about a century before now," Mara had to add.) The female demanded that they unhand her.
A dozen or so soldiers came into view practically dragging a young woman with black hair and blue eyes wearing simple breeches with a black top and a deep blue bodice.
"Get her for anachronistic clothing, will you."
Isaiah scribbled hurriedly. "Already on it."
As the guards dragged her closer, her eyes immediately locked on Fatima's.
"Sarah, I'm gonna kill you!" She yelled. The guards looked at Fatima and Jack in shock.
So did the agents.
"She has ANOTHER name?" Isaiah exclaimed as loudly as he dared.
The girl, Nina, had a short exchange with Fatima a.k.a. Pheonix a.k.a. Sarah, resulting in more sarcasm and eye-rolling from Sue Number One. Sue-Two then began punching out the guards in a thoroughly unbelievable way, and Sue-One joined in. Isaiah and Mara looked on, agape, while a group of military men with bayonets was beaten up by two girls, only one of them armed, and Jack stood there, looking impressed. Again.
Mara hastily withdrew her hand from the Canon Analysis Device, which had erupted in a sequence of shrill beeps and had become hot to the touch.
[Captain Jack Sparrow. Canon. Male. Out of Character 67%. CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
Isaiah pinched the skin between his eyebrows. "How much longer?" he groaned. "Can we skip any? When's the next major break in canon?"
Mara skimmed the story. "Let's see…The Sue of Three Names introduces Jack to Nina…Nina's secretive about her back story…Jack needs a ship, Sues want to help him get it, blah blah…oh, wait. There's a line you should hear, Recruit."
"Isaiah," the male agent corrected. "Is it coming soon?"
"Right now, in fact."
The agents leaned forward expectantly.
"Great, I'm stuck with two women, this can only mean trouble." Jack rolled his eyes and hurried after them.
The two agents burst into applause, and before the captain could figure out who was cheering his words, they had run headlong into chapter two.
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Captain Sparrow, Fatima/Pheonix/Sarah, and Nina concealed themselves, weirdly enough, on the side of a building while they scanned the area for ship they could seize. They soon spotted one with only two guards attending to it and made up their minds to seize the opportunity.
"Halt!" Called one of the guards.
"Hey is that Captain Jack Sp…." The second didn't get a chance to finish his sentece.
"His what?" Mara demanded, safely peeking out from behind a building.
"Sue-sentence," responded Isaiah. "You know, fragments, run-ons, excess punctuation…"
Isaiah was cut off by Mara's gasp. The agent had discovered why the guard hadn't finished his sentence.
Mara shook her head. "They couldn't have done that," she said in disbelief. "They can't be that cruel. The guards didn't even harass them, just told them to stop. They're Sues-they're supposed to be the heroines of their stories-tell me that didn't happen!"
Fatima and Nina wasted no time dispatching the guards.
Mara didn't chance a look at the scene, but Isaiah did. The coldness and detachment with which the two murdered the guards was shocking.
"Jack would never let them kill those soldiers." Mara had already started writing furiously.
Isaiah was even angrier, having seen the deed done. "Do you realize," he hissed at the Sues, "that those were innocent soldiers just doing their duty that you killed? Has it entered your chickpea-sized brains that soldiers are not brainless buffoons-did you forget that the naval men won against a cursed pirate crew? You're so wrapped up in being tough butt-kicking girls that you didn't think about the fact that soldiers are NOT evil-they uphold the law and fight men like, I don't know, BARBOSSA! And they do not deserve to die at your hands!"
Mara's hand trembled as she watched her favorite character remark with pleasure at the efficiency of the two young women. Isaiah felt sick, as did the Character Analysis Device.
[Captain Jack Sparrow. Male. Canon/non-canon mutant hybrid.]
The threesome performed an action described as "bording", though what it was the story was vague in describing. The agents crept onto the ship and hid below decks, judging the scene the best they could through the grating in the hatch.
"Looks like they noticed we've gone." That was directed at the shouts emanating from the town. Fatima grinned-a wicked smile. It was the most appropriate description in the entire tale.
Then Jack marveled at the Sue's "appearence" and made several "obvervations", at which point the agents decided that they had had enough. They compared notes, Mara appraising Isaiah's scroll with approval.
"Want to do the honors?" she asked. "You seem to have a flair for the dramatic."
Isaiah proudly dusted off his shirt. He waited until Jack's back was turned to the Sues, the better to rhapsodize about their virtues. Isaiah then slid three storage crates over to the opening and climbed on them. He inched open the trap door and motioned for Mara to keep it propped open, which she did, using only two crates to stand on. Isaiah carefully raised his head above the deck. None of the characters had noticed him.
Isaiah sighted Fatima alias Pheonix alias Sarah, twirled the grapnel hook and let fly. It caught hold of the Sue's boots. Fatima looked down just as Isaiah gave a sharp tug. Her perfect balance was seriously undermined as she toppled to the deck, face-first, with a heavy thunk. Sue-Two glanced her way just in time to see Fatima vanish down the opening.
"SARAH!" Nina-Sue yelled. She ran over to the hatch and tried to budge the grating.
Mara was having none of it. Holding the hatch firmly closed, she cocked her pistol and brought out her clipboard with the other hand.
"Nina," the female agent said curtly, "You are charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with being a Mary Sue, upstaging Captain Jack Sparrow, wearing anachronistic clothing and having arms and armor straight out of a magical fantasy land, leaving Jack out of all your fight scenes, catapulting Jack's real personality into the stratosphere, impressing him, giving your Sue-friend a third name-this isn't Lord of the Rings, sweetie-easily knocking out armed soldiers, and other misdemeanors beyond count. You would have been sentenced to life in the PPC Penitentiary. That was before you incurred another charge: killing an innocent guard on duty and still pretending to be a heroine."
The Sue peered into the gloom below decks. "Who's down there?" she asked. "What do you mean, pretending to be a heroine? I AM a heroine, and I'm going on an adventure with Jack! Those stupid guards-"
"Did we mention," Isaiah hollered up, "that that last charge warranted execution?"
"Huh?"
They heard Jacks' voice behind Nina, inquiring what was the matter.
Mara aimed her pistol carefully at one of the holes in the grating.
"A life for a life, slattern."
Bam!
There was dead silence. Even Fatima of the Witty Comebacks didn't dare speak.
Mara carefully sidestepped the spot above the bullet's point of entrance. Isaiah pressed his hands against the other end of the trap door. Together, they pushed it open, with the Sue still on top of it.
Canon hadn't fully reasserted itself, since only one Sue had been killed. Mara could see Cruel!Jack fighting with Canon!Jack internally and acted quickly. She attached the Sue body to the anchor and dropped her into the depths, silently apologizing to Bootstrap for sending him such bad company. Safely out of cutlass range, she glanced back at Jack.
The pirate was looking from her to the anchor and back again with obvious confusion. Mara winced. Jack was so rarely puzzled, but this…a strange-looking woman had put an end to a girl that he was supposed to have liked, but who was nevertheless a merciless killer.
Then his fan fiction character asserted itself. He looked in rage at Mara, who thought it was an excellent time to disappear into the bilges.
"Portal! Back to Port Royal Prison!" Mara urged Isaiah.
The agent clicked his portal activator. As they stepped through, Isaiah handed the activator to Mara, unfurled his scroll in one hand and read off the charges.
"Fatima, Pheonix, Sarah, and whatever other personae inhabit you, you are charged with everything that Nina was charged with. Additionally, you are charged with having multi-colored eyes, wearing revealing clothing, having unnaturally perfect balance, possessing magically appearing bags, bad attempts at wit, causing Jack to be nervous over a friggin' firework, knocking out an armed soldier without being armed yourself, having three, count 'em, three names, one of which is misspelled and the second of which is an Islamic name and therefore NOT used, ever, by European women in the Christian-dominated, historically accurate Port Royal…" he took in a deep breath "…talking like a cocky cowgirl, engendering a really implausible escape from prison, impressing Jack twice, flouting history on more than one occasion, being sarcastic to Jack and not getting your comeuppance. For these crimes, you are sentenced to…well, whatever we have in store for you now. And Mara mentioned this to dear Nina, but I'll say it again: you are NOT to go about killing innocent men unless you are a villainess."
"You know, her grammar and speech really bothered me, too," Mara fumed. "The narration wasn't even spell-checked. So, Fatphoenix, I charge you with many many many comma/period substitutions resulting in excess capitalization, using the word “bellow” instead of below, having your character be at home on the prow of the Pearl instead of at the helm, for being NIna instead of Nina, for 'bording', 'appearence', 'sentece', 'Pheonix', and 'obvervations', anachronistic speech, leaving out commas in sentences-"
"Mara-"
"Redundancy-"
"Mara!" Isaiah grabbed her arm. "We've already charged her enough to kill. Why bother going through all of the technical errors? You know how many Sues always have."
Mara gritted her teeth. "That's precisely why I'm doing it," she said. "Bad writing should not be overlooked. I want to make an example of this one."
"Fine," said Isaiah, "but let's get going, in any case." He pointed to the first Sue. “We need her to set the canon back in place." The agent gave a tug of the grappling hook (in the nicest possible way) and led Fatima toward the silver sheen that spanned the worlds.
"What? No way! I'm not going in there!" The Sue tried to struggle, but it didn't do much good. Any effort to move was promptly halted by the barbs on either side of her neck. For all her bravado, the Sue appeared terrified of pain.
"Make sure to have your pistol handy, Mara. Once canon's back in place, it's going to be rough in there."
The agent patted her hip. "My weapon's at the ready, Isaiah, but you may have to look out for both of us. See, this pistol only has one shot."
Isaiah stared.
"You know, Mara, there's such as thing as taking character worship too far."
____________________________________________________
The silver mass bulged and spread, encompassing both stories completely.
Captain Jack Sparrow, pirate extraordinaire, abruptly clamped his jaw shut and wondered why in the hell he was staring in awe at a girl. Granted, she was beautiful, but if he wanted to win her for the night, the last thing he wanted to do was to make her think he was thunderstruck. She might charge him extra.
At least, he assumed that's what she was there for. A barmaid wouldn't be waltzing around wearing a belt like that, and neither would a pirate wench, if she had any sense in her. But successful whore might, just might, try enticing men with such gaudiness. Still…
"That girl is begging on hands and knees to have her treasure nabbed," the captain murmured. Perhaps, if she let him into her room, he could make her forget about silly things like articles of clothing and snatch it from her as a prize. He could imagine telling the world about it: Captain Jack Sparrow, late-night consort of the most beautiful princess in India, given the belt as a reward for slaying the eunuchs who were trying to kidnap her for their evil overlord. Alas that her love for him could never be-
"I think it's worked. Jack's affections seem to be canceled out."
"He's back in character?"
"Let's hope."
Jack's head slowly rotated until his eyes came in contact with the two who seemed to be gossiping about him. One was a pirate with blondish hair that looked out of place in the dark, smoke-filled tavern. He had a grapnel hook around the neck of an unusual-looking young maiden who seemed to mind it but wasn't putting up much resistance. The other visitor looked like a downtrodden mestiza but exuded an air of self-confidence that belied her grayish tatters. Perhaps the gun at her waist had something to do with it-
"Now, for the grand finale…the meeting of two mutually exclusive Mary Sues," the young man was saying in a satisfied voice.
In the time it took for the words to leave the man's mouth, Jack had shed all pretense of disinterest and scrutinized the girl's weapon, checked to make sure his own gun was still at his side, and brought his chair around so that he could survey the two newcomers better. He also gave more than a passing glance to the female that they held captive. Why, she had to be the most beautiful girl he had ever…wait a minute, what about the golden-haired woman…wasn't she…?
Captain Jack Sparrow, for the second time in ten minutes, was bewildered. This time, though, his true character took over. He rose unsteadily from the table, keeping a firm hand on his tankard of rum, and made his way over to the pair.
"Quite a catch you've hooked there, mate. What was the bait for such a lovely sea sprite?" Jack winked at the young man holding the girl and waited to measure his response. If the youth was abducting her to be his pleasure toy, it might be necessary for him to step in, as aggravating as that would be.
The young man looked as though he didn't know whether to be more disgusted or offended by the remark.
"No such thing," the armed woman added, quite emphatically, nodding to the pirate captain in greeting. "Now, where's-"
"Right there," her accomplice pointed to the girl with the golden belt.
"Oh, yes. You know, she looks a bit like Helen of Troy."
"Ahhh, so that's what she was supposed to be. Should have guessed. Blonde ringlets and all that. Helen-Sue," the man blared, "meet Fatima a.k.a. Pheonix a.k.a. Sarah!"
The bar went quiet at the sight of the two women, but it was nothing compared to the deathly stillness between the women themselves. Eyes never leaving the other's gaze, the two beauties walked toward each other, coming to a halt in front of the bar, mere inches separating them.
Fatima hissed.
Helen-Sue narrowed her eyes.
No one moved, except for one fellow who reached out in the direction of the girl with blonde ringlets.
The mestiza dealt a heavy blow with the muzzle of her pistol to the scoundrel, whose fingers were outstretched toward Helen-Sue's hindquarters. Jack was mildly surprised, as the woman had made herself out to be the blonde's enemy. But then, perhaps she abhorred sexual harassment, no matter how much insulting language, humiliation, or pain she might otherwise have wished on the young woman. Jack understood that. He had known some real blood-sucking wenches in his time, had even wished great pain on one or two, but he never cheered when he learned of their being accosted or violated. There were some lines that even a gentleman of fortune shouldn't cross.
Meanwhile, the two women continued to regard each other with loathing.
Finally, the girl identified as "Helen-Sue" spat, "Jack Sparrow is mine."
"No, he's MINE!" screamed the other almost immediately.
"You can't have him! I'm the most beautiful woman in the world!"
"Well, I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen!"
"Trollop!"
"WHAT did you call me?"
Wham!
Fatima punched Helen-Sue squarely in the stomach. It was a graceful punch, to be sure.
Helen-Sue staggered, but swept her hand up and clawed at Fatima's face.
Then it turned into an all-out fight. In the flurry of activity, long hair was pulled, revealing clothing tore, exposing yet more skin, nails scratched and bits of skin were ripped off.
"Now might be a good time to charge her, Isaiah."
"Good point. Helen-Sue, you're charged with-ouch, that looked like it hurt-being the most beautiful woman in the world, making Jack long for the love of a woman-ooh, good blow to the head-making Jack's jaw drop, and…and…" Isaiah reexamined a long scroll and furrowed his brows. "Y'know, I really couldn't get her for anything else. Seemed to be really well written, in fact." He looked baffled for a moment.
"But she can't possibly exist. What do we do to her?"
Isaiah grinned. "Mara, I don't think we need to do much of anything."
The pair sat back, relaxed, and ordered ale, while Jack moved to get a better view. They had a good position from their barstools to watch how the melee turned out. Many people were jeering and cheering at the girls fighting, with no one intervening or participating, except Jack himself, who placed a bet on the golden-haired maid, and a nimble-fingered thief who deftly relieved Helen-Sue of her twinkling belt before turning back to his ale. It was a shame to have such good looks spoiled, but the captain knew better than to interfere when two females decided to take each other to task.
Not to his surprise, Fatima went down in a matter of minutes, having been mauled, poked, bitten, and her clothing ventilated by Helen-Sue. She lay there, senseless, with a haggard Helen-Sue standing over her, not exactly in an attractive condition herself.
The thief, exceedingly drunk, displayed the golden belt for all to see. "Looook wot I god," he confided to Mara.
The woman plucked the belt from his hands, then stuck her foot in his way as he flung himself after it. She then thrust the belt at the barkeeper, and said, "As much rum as this will buy, good gent!"
The barkeeper blinked, shrugged, and said, "S'not coin. I'll give ye seven."
"A free drink to the first six pirates over here!" Mara shouted. "And one for you, Captain," she said, sliding a large mug over to Jack. He tipped his hat and made up his mind that the wench was rather nice, even if she was a bit bloodthirsty and pried too far into his affairs for comfort.
Jack didn't know why the two strangers looked so surprised at the mad rush to the bar that followed. The truth was, not even the sight of fangirls running after their crushes had prepared the agents for the stampede that ensued following Mara's announcement. Half the customers lurched forward, heavy boots and wooden legs trampling everything underfoot to get to the bar. Including the still-prone Fatima.
Mara looked slightly green.
"That's…definitely not pretty."
"No," Isaiah agreed. Luckily for everyone, a barmaid promptly dragged the body out of the tavern and into a back alley. "Can't let the corpse drive away customers, I guess." He didn't look too upset. "Such pretentiousness deserves an ignoble demise."
"And yet, it still bears a satisfying resemblance to the death of an arch-villainess."
Isaiah raised his eyebrows.
Mara let him be puzzled for a moment, then turned back to her ale. "Queen Jezebel. Trampled by horses and eaten by dogs."
Jack caught Mara's swift grin before she downed the dregs of her tankard.
"Don't tell me. You're a history nut," Isaiah said.
Mara nodded vigorously. "I adore historical novels and dramas. It's one of the reasons I like Pirates of the Caribbean, although I did gnash my teeth at the 'cursed Aztec gold' bit."
Jack's suspicions about the pair had never quite receded, and that made him doubly cautious. Just how much did these two know about him?
"Oh, and Captain, I almost forgot." The young man took out what looked like dark glasses and put them on over his eyes. "This never took place, you know."
"Wh-"
Flash!
Jack blinked a few times, stared at the tankard in front of him, and shrugged. The "Man's Best Friend" had turned into the "Faithful Bride"; drink was calling, wenches were waiting, and plans were ready to be hatched. Vague figures pummeling each other were fast fading away in his memory.
_____________________________________________________
Isaiah leaned back against the bar and sighed contentedly, watching Helen-Sue trying to smooth the wrinkles out of her clothing and picking up a tattered piece of her skirt.
"Well, what now? A brutal death?" The Sue glared balefully at them.
The agents exchanged glances.
Mara turned to the Sue, regarding her seriously. "Actually…one Sue's been eliminated…and you have good writing style…you know what? We're going to keep monitoring you, and if anything serious happens, you can be sure we'll be on your tail. Besides," Mara flicked a bit of Helen's torn hair back in place, "Canon's back in place--I'm going to bet you're not the most beautiful woman in the world anymore."
That said, Mara pointed to Isaiah's activator. "Portal?" she suggested. "I'm really glad she won," she added as they stepped through.
"Do you know," Isaiah said thoughtfully, "I think Helen-Sue won because she didn't have as many plot holes or grammatical mistakes. The story in which she was grounded was tighter woven than the second."
"I agree. From now on, let's focus on technical errors and linguistic mistakes. Plot holes. All the things that make bad writing."
"You're implying that we're partners." Isaiah gave her a sidelong glance.
Mara nodded. "Well, why not? We've already proven we can work together. Heck, we could even start a new department…the Department of Grammatical Mistakes, or something…"
"It shouldn’t just cover grammar; we should include faulty syntax and general language abuse in our list of charges. We need something more general, for all errors. Technical Errors. Hey, how about that?"
"Sounds fine to me," said Mara. "That way, we can tackle all stories that are badly written."
"And there are a handful of good Mary Sues out there. When I was younger, my hero was Drizzt Do'Urden. He's good looking, has violet eyes and white hair, is different from the other drow, doesn't age like humans do, is the best of the best with weapons, has a tragic past, is noble, wise, compassionate, yadda yadda yadda. He's a regular Marty Stu. But he's a plausible and well-written one. It's when Sueish or Stuish characteristics neuter good writing that it gets messy."
"Of course, we could keep annoying Mary Sues traits on as a secondary charge."
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
He and Mara looked at each other happily.
"Mara, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
"Don't quote Casablanca. It's unbecoming."
The End
Continue to Mission 2
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Mestiza=female form of "mestizo", a person of mixed European (esp. Spanish) and native Mexican heritage.
Whew! Well, I hope you're not too exhausted by all the Sueage to review at the end of this chapter--especially with constructive criticism, since no writer is wholly immune to technical errors. Each response will contribute five gold doubloons to the Underappreciated Caribbean Military fund, which will be used to purchase a new tool for my agents to use in the PPCing process. I know we shouldn't put links in our stories, so I'll give you the fic ids: 1441855 and 1447731. Helen-Sue's was actually not that bad, as I mentioned…but oh, that line! *cringe*
Coming soon: a 2500 word paragraph, Will's ghost, and a crying captain.
Be strong.
Reviewer thanks and responses:
Luinecu: *somewhat ruefully* Oh, I noticed. Leave it to Araeph, who latches on to bad writing like a remora, to mess up the format on my first posting here. The italics were fixed within 24 hours of notification. Thank you.
SwedishFish223: Your story has been read and reviewed. As for mine being one in a million…one of a million would be more accurate. I am but a humble scion of the wonderful work of Jay and Acacia. There are many PPC authors in this world, for good or for evil. Some are greater than I am, and against some I have not yet been…. Ahem. Anyway, glad you liked it.
Hellga: Some agents don't get paid; some get paid very low wages. I think my agents require a small stipend for their woes and tribulations struggles in the fanfic universe. I also share your "poor Elizabeth" sentiment whole-heartedly.
Potcsues: It is I who laugh and laugh when I see the entries in your live journal. Bow, reviewers, for this is Potcsues the Great and Terrible, who delves into the quagmire of badfic to bring us the most blatant, big-bosomed Sues ever to prance into the world of PotC. On a more serious note, you mentioned that it was sad that this Sue was believable. The fact is, every single trait that makes Crystallina offensive…hideous attire, defiance of logic and common sense, despicable description, and shameless show-stealing (I've decided to be alliterative today)…was taken in whole or in part from all of the Suefics I've read or skimmed in my months on fanfiction.net. What I don't understand is how Crystallina can be so oblivious to the fact that she tramples every element of good writing in her path. Some of the fics out there are just…forgive me. I'm ranting.
Rose Cotton: Yes, I am the All-Seeing Araeph! Fear me! Actually, you told me your favorite beverage was Romulan ale in your reply to my request for agent names, many eons ago. You and Rian Silverleaf (a.k.a. Laurie) were the winners, although Rian gets a shorter cameo since her name was off by one letter from the name I picked. I have added the bit about your hair and eyes in, if you care to revisit the first chapter.
Nenya: Isaiah can be quite succinct, among other things, when he so chooses. You may have noticed that Isaiah isn't quite as noble and high spoken in real life as he is during PPCing. The agent is more like an alter-ego for him than an identity. Agent Quen, your support and affection are most appreciated. Drop by Isaiah's office some time; he has some freshly picked wildflowers, confiscated from Captain Jack, waiting for you. (Jack was trying to give them to Will the Strumpet, but that's another story. A painfully bad story, as a matter of fact.)
Thekow: I'm glad you liked it. Yes, Elizabeth has a lot of things against her in the world of fanfiction. She's pretty. She's smart. She's brave. She loves Will. All of which are capital offenses as far as Sues are concerned. Unfortunately for them, Agent Isaiah is an ardent admirer of Miss Swann, and those who slander her won't get off lightly.
Giesbrecht: Thanks very much! Yes, Sues are pretty much universal. I've written a few in my time, though never in fan fiction. If you need recommendations on good PotC fanfic, check out ErinRua's site--the link is on her author's account.
Captain Sparrow's Pet: Thank you for taking down the story promptly. I know I was quite pointed in my review. So many fan writers who get too caught up in the appearances of the actors they admire have to be beaten over the head with an Oxford English dictionary before they can look past physicality. You are, most happily, an exception. I am also glad that you DO appreciate his acting talent as well as his physique. The trick is to show that in your writing.
You caused a celebration at the PPC message board, you know. Consider your fic banished to the nether regions of my memory; the response, however is saved to guard against future dark moments in my dealings with fan fiction.
Silver Shadow of Silence: Yes, I decided to try something new, writing it from the viewpoint of one of the most maligned characters in the PotC fandom. I wanted my readers to realize what Mary Sues do to the minds and hearts of the canon characters. You might not like Elizabeth Swann, but cheapening her love for Will is low and childish. My other reason was that I really like writing about these characters, not just about how fan writers corrupt them, and I consider this story practice for my own original fic.
Su (): I, too, am fond of reading Mary Sue spoofs-my favorites list attests to that. As for unnatural pairings, it depends…if the pairing is heterosexual, it is simply an improbably romantic liaison and could go to the Department of Mary Sues or the Department of Improbabilities; if the pairing is homosexual, it is termed "Bad Slash" and is sent to the corresponding department. The Department of Technical Errors has the right to deal with both improbabilities and bad slash, provided the author has first utilized bad grammar, purple prose, or twisted logic elsewhere in the story.
Elentari II: "Miss" Araeph? Well! I've been called "Araphel", "Unbeliever in Need of Smiting" (see my user profile), and "Areaph, or whatever your name is", but that option is new to me. The fact is, I don't mind putting on airs in private or in jest, but in front of my readers it's a little self-promoting. Course coordinators of fan fiction universities fully deserve their titles, but I am not one, only a department creator carrying on the great work of the PPC. I'm not even the department head-that entity will come later in this story. However, if you wish to call me Araeph the Assassin, I shall gladly acquiesce to your request. :) Keeping reading and I'll keep writing!
Sylvan Tears: I really love all of the PPC spin-off fics, too, regardless of the fandom or department. (Except, of course, if I'm not familiar with the source material.) Mechanics are my department, so it's my job to do them well, but thank you, all the same.
JingleBelle: Thank you! The overabundance of original female characters in the PotC fandom is really what prompted me to write Isaiah. Then I found out that he's just a really fun character to write. I thought the grappling hook was just what is needed for Sues: yanking them out of stories is punishment by indignity as much as pain.