Agent Mara here. Agent Isaiah is currently sharpening the barbs of his grapnel hook and periodically gulping some Bleeprin.
Title: I can never think of appropriate titles, sorry
Author: Wheres-the-rum-gone?-2004
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1844710 It's a Jack/You fic. "You" make Jack stupid. "You" steal the Black Pearl and lock Jack in the brig. One of "your" crew makes Jack live on water for two weeks. Then "you" let Jack out of the cell and the two of you share a bed, slumbering peacefully.
Wanted: Suggestion for creatively painful death, preferably a pirate-like demise. No, this isn't Sue-icide. I'm going to be working with You the PPC crash dummy.