around this time last year, in livejournal history
November 11, 2002:
"So...did you know...my paper was about constrasting views of William Cronon and Aldo Leopold in regards to nature ethics and how people alienate themselves from nature through urbanization as well as enjoyment of wilderness areas but not local land. So, I was looking around on-line for inspiration and I found embittered things that Gary Snyder had written about Cronon and his anthrocentric theories. All environmentalists seem to hate Cronon. But I enjoy Cronon very much, because at least he has the balls to talk about philosophy and the environment and point the flawed ways in which some conservationalists think."
(I am so happy I'm not in school anymore. Environmental History? Blah.)
2003:
"non-existant potential mate:
pretty but not prettier than me.
willing to be thrown around a little bit, literally and figuratively.
but can still keep me in line or at least hold their own in a fight.
wants me to have their children. or, somebody's children.
cleans bathroom periodically.
doesn't have grotesquely long fingernails.
is not intensly possessive.
believes that bisexuals exist.
does not have irritating hang-ups with the word "feminist".
will never buy me flowers unless I'm dead.
will buy me candy.
is not offended by: the idea of donating one's body to science, recycling unwanted christmas and birthday gifts, egg donation, all animal products (OK to be offended by some).
deviod of hang-ups about who belongs on top, literally and figuratively.
never makes me feel dumb, awkward and abrupt."
(I guess I have found just about all of these things...and I take back a few, namely the second one and the flowers)
2004:
"I fear that he doesn't find me anywhere near as cool and cute and interesting as I find him. When I write it down, it doesn't seem so bad. So what? Frustrating, but not the end of the world. At least I have the capacity to get excited about someone. At least I can be friendly with him and enjoy his company. At least he is a good, joyful thing to think of, in and of himself. However, sometimes, in my head, it can be really depressing. Especially when I find myself doubting my attractiveness or social abilities.
After my stupid therapy group I was totally overwhelmed by gloomy feelings. Sometimes I feel like people think the things I say are irrelevant and self-centered. Maybe they are. But that is a depressing thought. Tonight I felt like no one wanted to hear me at all and I wondered if maybe I was just being totally inappropriate by responding to people's experiences by sharing my own experiences (I realize that I do that a lot). Everyone left before I could bring that up, which was a sort of relief to me and sort of not.
Maybe I've just been feeling too self-concious lately. Either I'm approaching some fundamental truth about myself or I'm just being paranoid. Or a little of both."
(Why do dumb unrequited crushes seem even dumber into retrospect? And I don't know what to think about that second part - maybe I just have nicer people to talk to now? Or maybe I have blown off everyone who doesn't make me feel like what I'm saying is at least somewhat valid. Or maybe I've changed a little bit.)
2005:
"On Saturday I found myself eating lots of sugary things at work. I tried to take a nap after work, but didn't get to sleep until five because of the tornado (which, by the way, hit the complete opposite side of town and I would not have even known anything funky was going on with the weather except that the tornado siren was blasting shrilly for a long time). After my nap I had some snacks and joined K (co-worker) and J (her boyfriend) at a party. I drank a lot of Jim Beam and had my first karaoke experience, in which I preformed "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue." Damn I love Crystal Gayle. And whiskey. I love whiskey.
I need to learn to drink slower. And eat less sugar. My body hates me. Sunday morning I felt gross. I walked to meeting and felt better. There I sat and thought of all my responsibilities and which were the most important and I decided taking decent care of myself is really the primary thing. Everything else is contingent on that.
Yestrday I went shopping with misssweetbones in Des Moines, who was a very fun and helpful shopping companion. Then we had pizza with Shelley at the hospital. Later in the evening, at home, I finally caught up with eastern_village and heard all about the wonders of Texas.
I think I need to go to Texas soon. "
(I guess it took me awhile to get to Texas.And considerably less time to give up whiskey.)
2006:
"Sometimes my job makes me want to throw moldy sweet potatoes at people and scream at the top of my lungs. My co-workers mostly seem mystified about why I get so stressed out. It was so freaking crowded in there today and I felt very claustrophobic and rushed and people kept asking me long, involved questions while I was already doing about ten things at once. Inwardly, I was a big bitch and very unhelpful to everyone. Outwardly, I think I did OK."
("Aughh! Get out while you can!)