(no subject)
I haven't been updating lately. And why I chose right now....when I should be packing is beyond me.
Have you ever seen something wrong with yourself but you just really don't want to fix it?
I see that I have major walls built up around me from being hurt in my past. Which is why I never cry. Which is why I never feel anything. And I'm aware that I probably won't have a relationship until I take them down. But I just don't want to. I just want someone to come along and remove them for me. And I feel like that's probably what's going to have to happen. The thought of trusting someone again to completely shatter my world scares the crap out of me. And as much as I talk about how ready I am for commitment.....I really don't think I am.
I LIKE not feeling things. I like not getting upset about anything. Is it really SO bad? Is it really such a bad thing to learn to control my emotions and not let myself get upset about stupid little things?
It just scares me when I know that there are things I SHOULD be upset about....and I have no feeling. That's the only time I don't like it. It's almost like not feeling something is more painful than feeling something would be. Because I know that I should be upset and sad. And I've been having such a hard time relating to people....like they get upset about something and I'm just like GET OVER IT.....
I'm reading this book by Beth Moore called Breaking Free and it's making me feel like I should change all this stuff and I don't WANT to. I just want to stay the same......but at the same time....that hasn't really been working too well. I feel so....disconnected from people right now. I feel like I care about people....but not in the same way I used to.
I guess that's what sucks about walls. You don't let the hurt in. But the good things can't get in either.
Have you ever seen something wrong with yourself but you just really don't want to fix it?
I see that I have major walls built up around me from being hurt in my past. Which is why I never cry. Which is why I never feel anything. And I'm aware that I probably won't have a relationship until I take them down. But I just don't want to. I just want someone to come along and remove them for me. And I feel like that's probably what's going to have to happen. The thought of trusting someone again to completely shatter my world scares the crap out of me. And as much as I talk about how ready I am for commitment.....I really don't think I am.
I LIKE not feeling things. I like not getting upset about anything. Is it really SO bad? Is it really such a bad thing to learn to control my emotions and not let myself get upset about stupid little things?
It just scares me when I know that there are things I SHOULD be upset about....and I have no feeling. That's the only time I don't like it. It's almost like not feeling something is more painful than feeling something would be. Because I know that I should be upset and sad. And I've been having such a hard time relating to people....like they get upset about something and I'm just like GET OVER IT.....
I'm reading this book by Beth Moore called Breaking Free and it's making me feel like I should change all this stuff and I don't WANT to. I just want to stay the same......but at the same time....that hasn't really been working too well. I feel so....disconnected from people right now. I feel like I care about people....but not in the same way I used to.
I guess that's what sucks about walls. You don't let the hurt in. But the good things can't get in either.