I Don't Wanna Grow Up...
(Be warned, this, once again, isn't a really fun entry. I'm out of my humorous groove. So...if you are looking for textbook me, don't read this.)
It might be too late now. But can't I just go back to being a kid?
Remember the days when the second you got home from school the hardest things left to think about involved Gushers fruit snacks and Duke Nukem? Honestly, the second I dropped my backpack, all through middle school, nothing serious mattered. The rest of my day was instantly devoted to nothing but video games, tv, friends. The hardest post-3:00 question I ever asked myself was "What do I want for snack?"
Once high school came around, not alot changed. Occasionally I broke out the pencil and paper, and thought about cracking open a school book. But I still don't think I faced a dillema tougher than "Is tomorrow an A day? Or B day?" Don't get me wrong, I probably wasn't concearned with the class material. I was mostly concearned with whether or not I could sleep in, if I had early release, and who I would see each day. (Because, really, thats ALL that is important in high school.)
So why now, nine months later (no correlation to the birthing cycle, I promise, no one is pregnant because of me, this has nothing to do with anything) has absolutely everything changed?
Each day I am faced with major school decisions, career decisions, life decisions. I'm lucky if the word "snack" ever finds its way into my daily thoughts. Real quick, lets do a comparison of weekly schedules:
Nine Months Ago (Considering Monday is an A Day):
- Monday - School at 9:53, Out of School at 1:04
- Tuesday - School at 8:10, Out of School at 1:04
- Wednesday - School at 9:53, Out of School at 1:04, Church from 7:00-9:00, Red Robin or Applebees afterward.
- Thursday - School at 8:10, Out of School at 1:04
- Friday - School at 9:53, Out of School at 1:04
- Saturday - Sleep Alot
- Sunday - Church from 9:00-12:00
Now:
- Monday - Work at 8:30, Leave Work at 4:30, School at 5:30, Leave School at 8:30
- Tuesday - School at 8:00, Leave School at 9:30, Work at 10:30, Leave work at 4:30, School at 5:30, Leave School at 8:10
- Wednesday - Work at 8:30, Leave Work at 4:30, School at 5:30, Leave School at 8:30
- Thursday - School at 8:00, Leave School at 9:30, Work at 10:30, Leave work at 4:30, School at 5:30, Leave School at 8:10
- Friday - Work at 8:30 Leave Work at 5:00
- Saturday - Sleep til little brothers wake you up playing video games in your room (8:00 AM)
- Sunday - Church from 9-11, sometimes eat afterward.
I'm not trying to show you this as a "pity me" chart. I'm just trying to figure out how life got so complicated, so incredibly fast. This schedule is only a little bit of the craziness, actually.
For the second time in less than a year, I'm preparing to make what may turn out to be the biggest decision of my life. Again. No no, I've already picked the blue CD case, thats not the decision I'm talking about. (I'm sorry...that wasn't funny at all. I'd like to delete it, because I'm pretty sure that incredibly weak attempt at humor alone will generate more pity that anything else I write, but it stands untouched. I again apologize...) Of course, the decision I'm preparing to make, is where I'll be next year. I made this same decision a year ago, but for some reason it was a little less difficult. I guess alot more is involved this time, more people, more feelings. But I'm still the same hopelessly uncertain kid, making the same hopelessly impossible decision. If I were a little more comfortable with this whole thing, I would list my options, and the pros and cons of each. But I'm not comfortable with any of it. And I don't want to put everything that is on my mind, onto yours, because this is not a burden I want anyone else to even attempt to bear with me.
I just want someone to tell me: Why after high school, did the world stop making sense? Thinking back over the last five months--especially the last 2, and even more than that, the last month itself--I can only remember a few times where I actually felt like I knew what was going on. I can count them on one hand, and if you ask when, I'll probably tell you.
Now thinking about those times when I felt like I had things figured out. I was probably more confused than ever. Honestly. I'm going to try and wrap this up, its late, and I don't really know what my point in writing this is. I guess my only point in writing this, is that itself. It is a big thing for me, to get my thoughts down, and I guess if I can share my mind with whoever is interested in reading, why not do both at once?
Don't leave a bunch of "pity" comments, because thats the last thing I want out of this. If you can relate, let me know, if you have advice, let me hear it (unless it is bad advice, then you can keep it to yourself). If you have a brilliant plan for where I should be next year, tell me that too. I guarantee, your plans are just as likely to happen as the 10 I have. Please, everyone, keep this, and me, in your prayers. Night Ya'll...(I live in the south now)