Goodbye
I have made serious mistakes and miscalculations.
Mistake 1: Letting girls that I have had sex with become friends.
Mistake 2: Ever thinking that it would work out.
I could go on, but that pretty much sums it up.
I do not know why Roxanne said anything to Leah, and I really do want to kill her right now, but it was my mistake. I should not have led Leah on past the duration of my time in St. Louis. I guess I just did not want her to move on as much as I did not want to move on. I must have cared, I definitely was comfortable. And when Leah and I had sex tonight, I did not know it was the last time, but the sex "felt" like the last time; a way I could salvage or perpetuate my feelings, our relationship, and any plausibility therein.
The last time I had sex with Annie was the same way. I prayed to God that she would get pregnant so she would stay. A morbid inverse in roles; it was like I was asking to be trapped in a life that I did not want and had willfully resisted up to that point. I did not want a child or the responsibilty of another life, and to be sure, I still thought of someone else while we were having sex. I had myself a self-depreciating laugh at my whimsical ignominy afterwards, but the sex itself was good; hot and sweaty, grabbing tight flesh and hair, the shallow kissing of lovers trying to breathe deeply inside the other person, everything about it was great.
Now that Roxanne told her, told her without warning to me- I think my warning was when Roxanne insinuated that she did not want casual sex with me, when the jealousy of my feelings for Leah started creeping into our sex, although only one time constitutes as cheating was when I was looking to break up with Leah in person and not over the phone. And even though I have compared sex with Roxanne to having sex with a flat board, not just because of her body type, but the fact all she does is lay there while I rail away at her pouched, swollen pussy , I made the mistake, not her.- I have an opportunity to make my exit and sew up any loose ends in this drama.
I have a new journal now, my one and only.
My others have been downloaded and assimilated, as I am sure that this new one will be eventually.
I will miss all of my friends, and I know they will all ask where I went, but I have gone nowhere. All I have done is make the immediate reevaluation of the people in my life, the one I asked Casey if I should make two days ago, and extricated all of the people that cause drama in my life- maybe a little too late. It is unfortunate, but in cutting the chaff I have been forced to cull the very people whom I introduced to, and are now friends with, said chaff. Thank you for listening to me and reading my Livejournal. I wish you all the best.
As for me, I do not want new friends. I really do not want any friends right now. Not in the literal sense, a man needs company, but in the online drama and bullshit and meeting people sense. When this is posted my myspace, my thefacebook, my hotornot, my livejournals, my everything will have been deleted. As Hunter S. Thompson so frequently said "caveat emptor". Let the buyer beware. I bought into this internet bullshit and I have been burned by the multitude of my ignoble and near sighted choices to keep some of the people I surround myself with too closely for too long, to let my desires burn short and fast, and to tell most of you exactly how I feel, what I am doing, and what I think.
Without anyone to read what I write I can say whatever I want and make a journal about me and not about fanservice or any other bullshit. This is the only real outlet I have, and Finally it will be an outlet again. It is not a testament to Anything, it is a reprisal of myself. This is the one thing I cannot give up. And you might find me if you care to search, and that is the risk I take, but that is how it goes.
Mistake 1: Letting girls that I have had sex with become friends.
Mistake 2: Ever thinking that it would work out.
I could go on, but that pretty much sums it up.
I do not know why Roxanne said anything to Leah, and I really do want to kill her right now, but it was my mistake. I should not have led Leah on past the duration of my time in St. Louis. I guess I just did not want her to move on as much as I did not want to move on. I must have cared, I definitely was comfortable. And when Leah and I had sex tonight, I did not know it was the last time, but the sex "felt" like the last time; a way I could salvage or perpetuate my feelings, our relationship, and any plausibility therein.
The last time I had sex with Annie was the same way. I prayed to God that she would get pregnant so she would stay. A morbid inverse in roles; it was like I was asking to be trapped in a life that I did not want and had willfully resisted up to that point. I did not want a child or the responsibilty of another life, and to be sure, I still thought of someone else while we were having sex. I had myself a self-depreciating laugh at my whimsical ignominy afterwards, but the sex itself was good; hot and sweaty, grabbing tight flesh and hair, the shallow kissing of lovers trying to breathe deeply inside the other person, everything about it was great.
Now that Roxanne told her, told her without warning to me- I think my warning was when Roxanne insinuated that she did not want casual sex with me, when the jealousy of my feelings for Leah started creeping into our sex, although only one time constitutes as cheating was when I was looking to break up with Leah in person and not over the phone. And even though I have compared sex with Roxanne to having sex with a flat board, not just because of her body type, but the fact all she does is lay there while I rail away at her pouched, swollen pussy , I made the mistake, not her.- I have an opportunity to make my exit and sew up any loose ends in this drama.
I have a new journal now, my one and only.
My others have been downloaded and assimilated, as I am sure that this new one will be eventually.
I will miss all of my friends, and I know they will all ask where I went, but I have gone nowhere. All I have done is make the immediate reevaluation of the people in my life, the one I asked Casey if I should make two days ago, and extricated all of the people that cause drama in my life- maybe a little too late. It is unfortunate, but in cutting the chaff I have been forced to cull the very people whom I introduced to, and are now friends with, said chaff. Thank you for listening to me and reading my Livejournal. I wish you all the best.
As for me, I do not want new friends. I really do not want any friends right now. Not in the literal sense, a man needs company, but in the online drama and bullshit and meeting people sense. When this is posted my myspace, my thefacebook, my hotornot, my livejournals, my everything will have been deleted. As Hunter S. Thompson so frequently said "caveat emptor". Let the buyer beware. I bought into this internet bullshit and I have been burned by the multitude of my ignoble and near sighted choices to keep some of the people I surround myself with too closely for too long, to let my desires burn short and fast, and to tell most of you exactly how I feel, what I am doing, and what I think.
Without anyone to read what I write I can say whatever I want and make a journal about me and not about fanservice or any other bullshit. This is the only real outlet I have, and Finally it will be an outlet again. It is not a testament to Anything, it is a reprisal of myself. This is the one thing I cannot give up. And you might find me if you care to search, and that is the risk I take, but that is how it goes.