Chapter 4
Eric wasn’t entirely sure what had overtaken him when he’d ask to see Sam again. It was out of character for him to pursue something so dangerously close to a relationship; living a closeted life had pretty much barred him from ever considering anything like it before. But not having hockey anymore meant he barely had a life at all, and even though he still hardly knew Sam, he did know the man could make him smile, and not just because of the sex. In the emptiness that surrounded him he was being forced to look more and more at the life he’d created for himself by denying his sexuality for so long.
Being gay and being a pro-athlete didn’t go well together, especially in a sport like hockey. And even though he knew there were rumors, and he’d been called Erica on more than one occasion, as long as he didn’t appear gay in any way, he’d felt safe. But without that excuse to keep him closeted, he had to wonder what decisions he would make in the upcoming weeks, months, and years. When he’d ask to see Sam again, it wasn’t just for the companionship, or the sex, but because a part of him actually wanted to study him; to see what it took to be successful and possibly out gay man-- or at the very least a gay man who’d been able to have a real relationship.
And so when Sam came by the next day, and the day after that, his anxiety gradually began to recede and he started to enjoy the company. Even if he’d wanted to make it all about the sex, Sam wouldn’t let him. He had an annoying, or possibly endearing, habit of pressing for conversation when they were through; of asking him about his life in hockey, or his life during childhood, or his life in general. For the most part Eric staved off the advances into such private territory with brief, noncommittal answers as he worried that making things too personal would lead Sam to expect more from him than he could give.
Eventually he discovered the best way to avoid the onslaught of questions was to ask questions back, as Sam was evidently much more willing to discuss his life than Eric was. He learned that some of his assumptions had been correct. Sam was basically out, although he didn’t usually ‘announce’ himself, he’d had several relationships in college and in law school and now he was happy and successful. In effect, he was Eric’s mirror opposite.
He was so put together, in fact, that Eric began to wonder what it was that kept him coming back. From everything he’d learned about Sam, he didn’t seem the type to engage in secretive trysts, especially ones without any emotional connection. But he did start to suspect, gradually, that Sam may not have been as confident as he appeared; he’d occasionally blink rapidly when they touched upon certain subject areas, belying some insecurities that lay beneath the surface. If he’d cared enough to pursue the matter Eric figured Sam would talk to him about whatever it was that was bothering him. But he didn’t, and was glad when Sam chose to keep his emotions to himself.
*
After two weeks of brief bedroom encounters, Sam suddenly disappeared. For a week he didn’t answer any of Eric’s direct calls, and he was out of the office each time he tried him at work. The only conclusion Eric could come to was that Sam had moved on, either because he’d finally grown tired of the sex or because he’d decided they’d been “inappropriate” one too many times. He took his career very seriously and didn’t seem like the type to want to jeopardize it. Eric tried to tell himself that it was for the best, but that didn’t stop his heart from jumping when he heard the knock at the door that Monday afternoon.
“Hey,” Sam said when he answered the door. He sounded depressed and he looked worn out, his usually pristine clothes wrinkled and creased, although for once he wasn’t wearing a suit. “I know you were trying to get a hold of me . . . I was out of town, in Montreal. I had to deal with some family stuff.”
“Yeah, that’s okay,” Eric responded as Sam trailed after him and sank down on the couch.
Eric sat next to him while Sam inhaled a deep breath. The man was clearly agitated and lost in thought, and it didn’t seem right to try to get him in the sack at that moment. Even though it went against everything Eric had said he was going to feel, he found he wasn’t able to be as devoid of compassion as he would have hoped. Without a word he got up and went to the kitchen, returning a moment later with a beer. He handed it off to Sam quietly.
“Did you want to . . . talk about it?” he asked.
***********
Without realizing what he was doing, Sam had driven straight from Montreal to Eric’s place. Later he figured that he just couldn’t stand the thought of being alone right then, mulling over his sorry excuse for a brother and the monumental fight they’d just had despite the fact that Sam had dropped everything to do him a favor.
When he’d first received Billy’s call for “help” to get his girlfriend out of immediate trouble for being caught with drug paraphernalia, he’d actually been somewhat relieved. Billy was always using him in some way or another-he had been since childhood-but in this case it seemed like a welcome opportunity to leave town and clear his head a little about the strange decision he had made to engage in apparently libertine sex. He’d tried to establish a better rapport with Eric, but it seemed like every question he’d asked had been tossed aside with a one-or-two-word answer as soon as it had left his lips, and he’d begun to tire of being shut out. It also occurred to him that he was being used, and that he should have more of an issue with that than he did. The fact that he didn’t probably meant he needed to work on his self-esteem, battered as it was from his last relationship. But despite his intentions, he hadn’t had much time to sort out his thoughts once he was caught up in Billy’s whirlwind of a life, and the visit had culminated in a screaming match that had sent him hurtling towards his car and screeching away in a blaze of smoke, dust, and anger. And once in that state of mind, he hoped Eric could at the very least provide a much-needed distraction from his worldly concerns with the only thing he seemed able to offer.
But Eric had sized him up with one glance and known something was wrong, which was a side of him Sam hadn’t really seen before. And now he’d actually given carte blanche for Sam to talk about what was bothering him, which was both frighteningly unexpected and an immense relief. He really did have a lot to get off his chest.
Sam swallowed some of the beer. “Had to visit my brother, handle some shit his girlfriend got into. Legal trouble I mean . . .” he paused and took another drink. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be boring you. We don’t have to talk about it,” he said, suddenly afraid that if he started speaking he wouldn’t be able to stop, and everything he knew about Eric told him he didn’t care to delve that deeply into discussions.
“If you need to talk, then talk,” Eric responded flatly.
Sam took a deep breath. “Okay, well Billy-he’s my brother-I dunno, he’s kind of a screw-up. We got into a fight while I was up there, which we usually do . . . I mean I don’t mind helping him out, but he’s pretty ungrateful. So now he’s living with some girl who has a kid, and I know Billy, he’ll get bored and leave her, and she’s got problems of her own and I just don’t think he should be pulling his bullshit on someone when there’s a kid involved, you know?”
Eric nodded.
“It’s like he lives in his own Billy-centered world. He didn’t even go to my mom’s funeral . . . he was always making her worry. He’s older than me but I’ve always felt like I had this responsibility to try to fix him or something, for my parents’ sake . . .” Sam trailed off, using the beer, which he wasn’t usually a great fan of, to fill the silence. He was waiting for Eric to say something-anything-to make him feel like less of an idiot for pouring his heart out to him.
Eric looked around the room like he was searching for insight. “Well, I hope you don’t mind me saying,” he began after the pause, “but your brother sounds like an asshole.”
Sam smiled wryly.
“And I would think that in your parents’ eyes, having an incredible kid like you more than made up for a screw-up like him.”
Before Sam could even react to the unexpectedly poignant response, Eric shot up and headed to the kitchen, but his words hung in the silence that followed and planted the first tiny seed of hope in Sam’s heart regarding the future of their fling.
Eric returned with a beer for himself but didn’t say anything else; evidently the time for talking was over. They finished their drinks in silence before Eric got up and led Sam by the hand to the bedroom.
*********
Next Chapter 5