scribbled;srambled
scribbled; scrambled
Seungri has never kept secrets from his mother, he doesn’t know how to, but today, today is an exception. He slips into laces and ribbons and he doesn’t tell her. He sneaks out at midnight when she’s sleeping, or maybe drinking wine. And, under streetlights, he runs.
He can trace his stupidity all the back to when he was eleven and had such wise ideas that no one wanted to talk to him. His friends would shove him a little and tell him to shut his pretty little mouth if he wanted to keep it. So, he wouldn’t talk and pretend he didn’t think of why the sky was bluer in the summer time.
He had this friend that would ask really pointless questions and no one would ever tell him to shut up.
“Seungri, don’t you ever wish for time to just stop?”
And, Seungri would never get it because it sounded so dumb.
“Of course not,” he would say, “There would be no point to time if it ever stopped.”
His friend would frown and open and close his mouth several times before lapsing into a silence that would go on for days until he figured out a way to love Seungri despite it all.
One night, his friend broke down in front of him saying nonsensical things like I’ve always loved you, I was just waiting for you to notice. And, Seungri, instead of holding him, pushed him away.
He’s sure that’s when his stupidity flourished.
His mother’s face seems to hover everywhere he goes because he knows what’s he’s doing is wrong, but it’s not like he can stop. You can’t ever stop after you get hooked so easily. So he tries to think of the sky as he waits behind the curtains. He tries to picture clouds where his feet are and airplanes where his hands are. And, somehow, he calms down enough to smile.
The curtain slides open and he becomes a different person, one without insecurities. The music becomes a heartbeat and he flows so smoothly that the audience hushes. Not one sound except music and his breathing.
He finishes his act when a little bow and it’s only when he looks up that he notices there’s just one person in the audience. Seungri twitches awkwardly waiting for the man to show some sort of a reaction, but the man’s shadowy face remains still. He bows and exits the stage as quickly as possible without being ungraceful.
“Why wasn’t anyone out there?” he whines to the manager who grins widely in response.
“He paid extra to be the only one there, Seungri. Isn’t that insane? He said he wants to be the only one to see you dance.”
Seungri frowns, “That’s creepy. What’s his name?”
“Kwon something. Ji Yong, I think. It doesn’t matter. Just look at how much he paid.”
Seungri can’t really complain as he holds more money than he ever has seen.
He thinks his mother must have dropped him on the head and that’s exactly why she loves him the most.
“Ri, you look tired.”
Her cool fingers dance all over his face and he involuntarily sighs.
“It’s nothing,” he says, trying to swallow the guilt that threatens to choke him.
He’s a little early today but more nervous than ever. His manager is all excited giggles and suggestive jokes as he tells him that his special man is here again. Seungri tries not to think too much, but he slips on his way up to the stage. Hence, his entry is stumbled and off beat and his face feels like it’s going to melt from the heat.
The man’s face a little clearer today and Seungri can tell he’s handsome, rich, and young; a combination not worth fucking with.
“Could you wear the outfit you wore yesterday night? Pink looks better on you.”
“Um,” Seungri stutters, “I-I don’t think- Actually, the pink one is currently at the drycleaners.”
The man pouts a little and Seungri almost laughs.
“Then don’t dance at all.”
Seungri sort of nods before gasping. “What? Just because I’m not wearing the pink one you don’t want to see me dance?”
Ji Yong sighs impatiently, “I get what I want, Seungri. Sorry if you didn’t know that.”
“Well this is my show and I do whatever I want.”
He frowns as if unable to understand. “No, really, you don’t get it. I’m Kwon Ji Yong. I could buy you if I wanted.”
“No, you couldn’t.”
“Yes, I could. I could also buy your whole damn family along with you.”
The last thing Ji Yong sees is Seungri jumping off the stage, sauntering up the aisle, and one really pretty fist.
“Seungri.”
How that man manages to pour so much disappointment into one word Seungri will never know.
“I’m sorry, Sir. He sort of just got to me.”
“Go apologize.”
Seungri groans, “You mean he hasn’t left yet?”
“Seungri.”
“Okay, fine, I’m going. God.”
Ji Yong is crouched over on the grass and holding his mouth so tenderly that Seungri wants to punch him again.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
Ji Yong looks up with a glare, “What?”
“I said, sorry.”
“I’ll forgive you if you come over here and kiss me,” he says with a winsome smile.
Seungri looks around and leans down to kiss Ji Yong’s cheek all the while trying not to think of how odd it looks and why he’s even doing it in the first place.
Ji Yong sighs like all the world’s pain has been eased and Seungri swears something fluttered in his stomach.
“Forgiven.”
Seungri blames the moon for being especially bright tonight and making Ji Yong look almost ethereal, because really, Lee Seungri rarely ever falls so hard.
He sneaks out a lot more often, but his mother still smiles dazzling as ever in the mornings, smoothing away his creases and telling him to put some cream on.
Ji Yong must either be insane or bored or just very rich. Seungri concludes it’s a combination of all three, because Ji Yong is at his every show and he always makes sure no one else is.
He takes him out on drives, stopping by comic book stores that seem very shady. He buys Seungri candy from shadier grocery stores. It’s at midnight that Seungri is the happiest, because in hours of darkness, he can almost adopt personas and pretend to be this incredibly exotic guy that is a ballerina at night and who knows what at day.
“Seungri, can’t I take you out in daytime?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not the same in daylight.”
And, that’s when Seungri realizes he’s become two different people; one madly in love with Ji Yong and one very scared of loving Ji Yong.
Ji Yong rarely gives up, so Seungri finds himself in a coffee shop on a Sunday. It’s so fucking sunny that Seungri wants to curl up under the table. Except he can’t, because his hair would get all ruined and he has to look his best for Ji Yong.
“Did you wait for long?”
Seungri wants to say that yes, yes he’s been waiting for a long time and it’s sunny and humid and really fucking gross outside. But, Ji Yong is grinning with all of his teeth.
“No.”
Ji Yong: 2. Seungri: 0. It starts to become a habit.
His foot is halfway out of his window when his mother catches him. At first she’s confused, then realization dawns at a maddeningly slow pace. She smacks Seungri’s head and he stumbles to the floor.
“What. Are. You. Doing?”
“Nothing.”
For that he gets a lecture and another smack.
“So, what are we doing tonight, Seungri?”
He rolls his eyes, “Sleeping.”
“Good boy.”
She strokes his head and he almost feels bad for lying. Almost.
Ji Yong is there again, just like every night, except this time, there’s someone else with him. A boy with very scary eyes.
“And, this is Seungri. My personal ballerina.”
Seungri saves a pinch for later and studies the man’s face. Close up, his eyes aren’t really that weird.
“This is Seunghyun, my best friend.”
From what Seungri has gathered so far, Ji Yong doesn’t have close relationships with anyone. (“Except you,” he had said with that greasy smile of his.) So, Seungri wonders why Seunghyun wasn’t ever brought up.
“He was begging me to see you. He said he wanted to see just who had me up all night.”
His eyes are twinkling for fuck sake and Seungri is slowly dying.
Seunghyun smiles, “Yes.”
Ji Yong elbows him playfully and Seungri thinks his cheeks should be beginning to hurt from grinning for so long.
Seunghyun comes with additional packages; Yongbae and Daesung. Yongbae is what you would call the comfortable hyung that’s always ready to heal wounds if only you’d let him. Daesung is somewhat of a prankster, that cool hyung who you want to like you so desperately. Seungri decides Ji Yong is still his favorite.
Ji Yong corners Seungri in the practice room one day, putting his hands on the bar on either side of him, and Seungri feels a little scared.
“I think I love you.”
Seungri is maybe very scared.
“Um…”
Ji Yong growls, “I love you. What the fuck are you going to do about it?”
“What?”
“Fix me.”
Seungri puts a hand on Ji Yong’s cheek and chuckles.
“How?”
Ji Yong grins, “Love me back.”
“That’s pretty lame, hyung,” he says but happiness threatens to tear through his skin.
Ji Yong simple shrugs before leaning in for a kiss. Seungri opens his mouth right after he opens his heart and he hopes that Ji Yong will take good care of both.
His mother’s face in etched with such sorrows that Seungri feels momentarily lost. He puts a hand on hers but she quickly moves away.
“Seungri, at night, where do you go?”
“Nowhere. Just about the city.” The lies spill out before he can even think.
“Then why do you have this in your closet?”
He would recognize the soft pink of that silk anywhere. And, he mentally chides himself, it’s not because it’s Ji Yong’s favorite.
“Oh that, that’s just one of my friend’s. She told me to hold onto it for her.”
She’s silent for what seems like years before she says, “Seungri, where did you learn how to lie so well?”
He loses touch with Ji Yong, having never bothered to get his number and having no clue of where he lives. His mother patrols his sleeping bag before finally sleeping in the bed next to him.
Sometimes at night when all he can hear is her soft breathing, he thinks of Ji Yong and of how hopelessly in love he is. Sometimes he thinks too much and it begins to hurt.
Ji Yong fades like dreams do and Seungri can almost make-believe he didn’t even exist. Except sometimes he becomes a dancer again and he moves so slow that Ji Yong begins to manifest into something real.
At night, he transforms into a wolverine.
“Seungri, shut up.”
He laughs and pokes his mother in the knee.
“Can I please go outside?”
She smiles gently and says, “Okay.” She never could deny Seungri’s pouts.
His manager tells him that Ji Yong has been coming back every night since Seungri disappeared, sometimes sober but mostly not.
“God, I didn’t know what to say even. He must really love you.”
Seungri runs.
Ji Yong is, as Seungri guessed, outside on the grass right behind the building where Seungri first kissed him.
“Are you crying?”
Ji Yong grunts, “No, I am not fucking crying. Mind your own goddamn business.”
“But, you are my business.”
Ji Yong blinks slowly before looking up at Seungri.
Seungri thinks he should have seen it coming, but he’s still knocked down when Ji Yong jumps on him.
He links their fingers together and makes Seungri promise he’ll come back tomorrow night. And, then he very reluctantly releases him. He waves until Seungri is inside and keeps waving until his arm begins to ache.
Seungri looks out of his bedroom window and Ji Yong is already heading back.
He doesn’t go back. He can’t. Not when his mother is crying a little over having a gay son. Not when his father comes home just in time to hear the worst of it. Not when his parents won’t let him touch them. Not when he’s being treated like a disease.
They move to another city. ( “Maybe if you hang out with normal boys, you’ll change into one.” ) And, they make him date girls and take boxing lessons. He does everything they tell him to, but at night, no one can control him.
At night, he dances.
*ngl, i have a serious problem with this. if you find typos, do fucking tell. :| alsdkjf i can't even bring myself to put this on my comm ;____;
**also blame is mostly on this. :| fuck otp for being so damn precious. :|||
Seungri has never kept secrets from his mother, he doesn’t know how to, but today, today is an exception. He slips into laces and ribbons and he doesn’t tell her. He sneaks out at midnight when she’s sleeping, or maybe drinking wine. And, under streetlights, he runs.
He can trace his stupidity all the back to when he was eleven and had such wise ideas that no one wanted to talk to him. His friends would shove him a little and tell him to shut his pretty little mouth if he wanted to keep it. So, he wouldn’t talk and pretend he didn’t think of why the sky was bluer in the summer time.
He had this friend that would ask really pointless questions and no one would ever tell him to shut up.
“Seungri, don’t you ever wish for time to just stop?”
And, Seungri would never get it because it sounded so dumb.
“Of course not,” he would say, “There would be no point to time if it ever stopped.”
His friend would frown and open and close his mouth several times before lapsing into a silence that would go on for days until he figured out a way to love Seungri despite it all.
One night, his friend broke down in front of him saying nonsensical things like I’ve always loved you, I was just waiting for you to notice. And, Seungri, instead of holding him, pushed him away.
He’s sure that’s when his stupidity flourished.
His mother’s face seems to hover everywhere he goes because he knows what’s he’s doing is wrong, but it’s not like he can stop. You can’t ever stop after you get hooked so easily. So he tries to think of the sky as he waits behind the curtains. He tries to picture clouds where his feet are and airplanes where his hands are. And, somehow, he calms down enough to smile.
The curtain slides open and he becomes a different person, one without insecurities. The music becomes a heartbeat and he flows so smoothly that the audience hushes. Not one sound except music and his breathing.
He finishes his act when a little bow and it’s only when he looks up that he notices there’s just one person in the audience. Seungri twitches awkwardly waiting for the man to show some sort of a reaction, but the man’s shadowy face remains still. He bows and exits the stage as quickly as possible without being ungraceful.
“Why wasn’t anyone out there?” he whines to the manager who grins widely in response.
“He paid extra to be the only one there, Seungri. Isn’t that insane? He said he wants to be the only one to see you dance.”
Seungri frowns, “That’s creepy. What’s his name?”
“Kwon something. Ji Yong, I think. It doesn’t matter. Just look at how much he paid.”
Seungri can’t really complain as he holds more money than he ever has seen.
He thinks his mother must have dropped him on the head and that’s exactly why she loves him the most.
“Ri, you look tired.”
Her cool fingers dance all over his face and he involuntarily sighs.
“It’s nothing,” he says, trying to swallow the guilt that threatens to choke him.
He’s a little early today but more nervous than ever. His manager is all excited giggles and suggestive jokes as he tells him that his special man is here again. Seungri tries not to think too much, but he slips on his way up to the stage. Hence, his entry is stumbled and off beat and his face feels like it’s going to melt from the heat.
The man’s face a little clearer today and Seungri can tell he’s handsome, rich, and young; a combination not worth fucking with.
“Could you wear the outfit you wore yesterday night? Pink looks better on you.”
“Um,” Seungri stutters, “I-I don’t think- Actually, the pink one is currently at the drycleaners.”
The man pouts a little and Seungri almost laughs.
“Then don’t dance at all.”
Seungri sort of nods before gasping. “What? Just because I’m not wearing the pink one you don’t want to see me dance?”
Ji Yong sighs impatiently, “I get what I want, Seungri. Sorry if you didn’t know that.”
“Well this is my show and I do whatever I want.”
He frowns as if unable to understand. “No, really, you don’t get it. I’m Kwon Ji Yong. I could buy you if I wanted.”
“No, you couldn’t.”
“Yes, I could. I could also buy your whole damn family along with you.”
The last thing Ji Yong sees is Seungri jumping off the stage, sauntering up the aisle, and one really pretty fist.
“Seungri.”
How that man manages to pour so much disappointment into one word Seungri will never know.
“I’m sorry, Sir. He sort of just got to me.”
“Go apologize.”
Seungri groans, “You mean he hasn’t left yet?”
“Seungri.”
“Okay, fine, I’m going. God.”
Ji Yong is crouched over on the grass and holding his mouth so tenderly that Seungri wants to punch him again.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
Ji Yong looks up with a glare, “What?”
“I said, sorry.”
“I’ll forgive you if you come over here and kiss me,” he says with a winsome smile.
Seungri looks around and leans down to kiss Ji Yong’s cheek all the while trying not to think of how odd it looks and why he’s even doing it in the first place.
Ji Yong sighs like all the world’s pain has been eased and Seungri swears something fluttered in his stomach.
“Forgiven.”
Seungri blames the moon for being especially bright tonight and making Ji Yong look almost ethereal, because really, Lee Seungri rarely ever falls so hard.
He sneaks out a lot more often, but his mother still smiles dazzling as ever in the mornings, smoothing away his creases and telling him to put some cream on.
Ji Yong must either be insane or bored or just very rich. Seungri concludes it’s a combination of all three, because Ji Yong is at his every show and he always makes sure no one else is.
He takes him out on drives, stopping by comic book stores that seem very shady. He buys Seungri candy from shadier grocery stores. It’s at midnight that Seungri is the happiest, because in hours of darkness, he can almost adopt personas and pretend to be this incredibly exotic guy that is a ballerina at night and who knows what at day.
“Seungri, can’t I take you out in daytime?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not the same in daylight.”
And, that’s when Seungri realizes he’s become two different people; one madly in love with Ji Yong and one very scared of loving Ji Yong.
Ji Yong rarely gives up, so Seungri finds himself in a coffee shop on a Sunday. It’s so fucking sunny that Seungri wants to curl up under the table. Except he can’t, because his hair would get all ruined and he has to look his best for Ji Yong.
“Did you wait for long?”
Seungri wants to say that yes, yes he’s been waiting for a long time and it’s sunny and humid and really fucking gross outside. But, Ji Yong is grinning with all of his teeth.
“No.”
Ji Yong: 2. Seungri: 0. It starts to become a habit.
His foot is halfway out of his window when his mother catches him. At first she’s confused, then realization dawns at a maddeningly slow pace. She smacks Seungri’s head and he stumbles to the floor.
“What. Are. You. Doing?”
“Nothing.”
For that he gets a lecture and another smack.
“So, what are we doing tonight, Seungri?”
He rolls his eyes, “Sleeping.”
“Good boy.”
She strokes his head and he almost feels bad for lying. Almost.
Ji Yong is there again, just like every night, except this time, there’s someone else with him. A boy with very scary eyes.
“And, this is Seungri. My personal ballerina.”
Seungri saves a pinch for later and studies the man’s face. Close up, his eyes aren’t really that weird.
“This is Seunghyun, my best friend.”
From what Seungri has gathered so far, Ji Yong doesn’t have close relationships with anyone. (“Except you,” he had said with that greasy smile of his.) So, Seungri wonders why Seunghyun wasn’t ever brought up.
“He was begging me to see you. He said he wanted to see just who had me up all night.”
His eyes are twinkling for fuck sake and Seungri is slowly dying.
Seunghyun smiles, “Yes.”
Ji Yong elbows him playfully and Seungri thinks his cheeks should be beginning to hurt from grinning for so long.
Seunghyun comes with additional packages; Yongbae and Daesung. Yongbae is what you would call the comfortable hyung that’s always ready to heal wounds if only you’d let him. Daesung is somewhat of a prankster, that cool hyung who you want to like you so desperately. Seungri decides Ji Yong is still his favorite.
Ji Yong corners Seungri in the practice room one day, putting his hands on the bar on either side of him, and Seungri feels a little scared.
“I think I love you.”
Seungri is maybe very scared.
“Um…”
Ji Yong growls, “I love you. What the fuck are you going to do about it?”
“What?”
“Fix me.”
Seungri puts a hand on Ji Yong’s cheek and chuckles.
“How?”
Ji Yong grins, “Love me back.”
“That’s pretty lame, hyung,” he says but happiness threatens to tear through his skin.
Ji Yong simple shrugs before leaning in for a kiss. Seungri opens his mouth right after he opens his heart and he hopes that Ji Yong will take good care of both.
His mother’s face in etched with such sorrows that Seungri feels momentarily lost. He puts a hand on hers but she quickly moves away.
“Seungri, at night, where do you go?”
“Nowhere. Just about the city.” The lies spill out before he can even think.
“Then why do you have this in your closet?”
He would recognize the soft pink of that silk anywhere. And, he mentally chides himself, it’s not because it’s Ji Yong’s favorite.
“Oh that, that’s just one of my friend’s. She told me to hold onto it for her.”
She’s silent for what seems like years before she says, “Seungri, where did you learn how to lie so well?”
He loses touch with Ji Yong, having never bothered to get his number and having no clue of where he lives. His mother patrols his sleeping bag before finally sleeping in the bed next to him.
Sometimes at night when all he can hear is her soft breathing, he thinks of Ji Yong and of how hopelessly in love he is. Sometimes he thinks too much and it begins to hurt.
Ji Yong fades like dreams do and Seungri can almost make-believe he didn’t even exist. Except sometimes he becomes a dancer again and he moves so slow that Ji Yong begins to manifest into something real.
At night, he transforms into a wolverine.
“Seungri, shut up.”
He laughs and pokes his mother in the knee.
“Can I please go outside?”
She smiles gently and says, “Okay.” She never could deny Seungri’s pouts.
His manager tells him that Ji Yong has been coming back every night since Seungri disappeared, sometimes sober but mostly not.
“God, I didn’t know what to say even. He must really love you.”
Seungri runs.
Ji Yong is, as Seungri guessed, outside on the grass right behind the building where Seungri first kissed him.
“Are you crying?”
Ji Yong grunts, “No, I am not fucking crying. Mind your own goddamn business.”
“But, you are my business.”
Ji Yong blinks slowly before looking up at Seungri.
Seungri thinks he should have seen it coming, but he’s still knocked down when Ji Yong jumps on him.
He links their fingers together and makes Seungri promise he’ll come back tomorrow night. And, then he very reluctantly releases him. He waves until Seungri is inside and keeps waving until his arm begins to ache.
Seungri looks out of his bedroom window and Ji Yong is already heading back.
He doesn’t go back. He can’t. Not when his mother is crying a little over having a gay son. Not when his father comes home just in time to hear the worst of it. Not when his parents won’t let him touch them. Not when he’s being treated like a disease.
They move to another city. ( “Maybe if you hang out with normal boys, you’ll change into one.” ) And, they make him date girls and take boxing lessons. He does everything they tell him to, but at night, no one can control him.
At night, he dances.
*ngl, i have a serious problem with this. if you find typos, do fucking tell. :| alsdkjf i can't even bring myself to put this on my comm ;____;
**also blame is mostly on this. :| fuck otp for being so damn precious. :|||
