I know you're dying, I know it's true.

[unabletocomply]

Dear god, here I go again. Time for another ranting.

This entry is going to be quite jumbled, more hit and miss than a full triumph. Excuse my lack of a common thread running through this. My sewing is not perfected just yet. Perhaps I should give an bullet outline of my thoughts...

• The little pice of shit bird in my head won't give me a break to save the life of me. "Dig JD, dig, keep it going, the temperature slowly rising to the boiling point is nothing, you'll be fine. Keep giving your head a vigorous workout, fry those little brain cells.  Keep working at nothing, you'll be sure to be victorious of nilch soon enough!" Fuck you bird, fuck you. I'm sick of assesing and reassessing. I don't want my brain to run circles around a rotten egg of nonsense. It's beginning to become fucking pointless.
  
  
• No matter how much sleep I get, I always feel exhausted, and I'm scared that it's because I have something wrong with me, but I don't want to go to the doctor, considering I haven't been since middle school.  I don't want him to find a long list of problems with me and reduce me to stupid medicines that I know I DON'T need to consume. I'm healthy, I just wish I didn't feel so tired half of the time.
  
  
• I've been in constant disillusionment for the past couple of months, and I think I'm beginning to realize it. Why does everything feel like a fucking setback? No matter what you say, do, hear, see, touch... it's like a disappointment. Am I asking for too much? Do I set the bar too high? Fuck. Might as well ask for the walls to crumble around me if this is the case. There goes the whole concept of hope, desire, and expectation.
  
  
• Give! Give! Give! Now where's the reimbursement?!?!?!? Yeah. I'm sure you've heard/lived the story before. Drives me nuts. Ties into the setback nonsense I was previously babbling about.
   
• Lemon Bay High School, if you knew what was good for you, you would allow JD Bray to graduate now.  Otherwise, be prepared for a deliberate assault on your grounds soon. I GOTTA GET AWAY. My life is becoming so drained. I don't even know what I love to do anymore. I stare at the walls in amazement of the colors. It's terrible.
   
• Speaking of love... I don't think people know what ardor was if it came up and cock-slapped them. It seems that once the fascination factor dies down, people can't sustain the ill-advised lovey-dovey affection for more than a few minutes. It makes me angry. I've come to realize that I'm in love with the notion of love, not the tangible, implementation of love. The concept itself is of course luring, but I'm not sure I'm capable of being in love just yet. Great strides have to be made, and I'm just not sure that I'm at the stage in my life to really try and give things a shot. It's not that I'm not competent at doing so, I just think I'm the type of person who needs to delve into the other aspects of human existence before latching onto to someone for dear life. Sure, I wish I was with someone, but isn't that what everyone wants at the end? I'm just beginning. I'm just growing leaves. Let's not pick the fruit before it is ripe just yet. God knows I'm not the type of person for flings, either. Just a few words of advice to those of you who are grazing my terrain of words... I am always going to tell it like it is. If you want truth, I'll give you brutal honesty. I'm a scorpio for god sakes. If you strike my fancy, then hey, I'm all up for the ride, just keep in mind I can't give my all when I don't even have every piece of me just yet. Try not to get too offended. Capeesh? Okay, good.  Happy Valentines to all of you "love-birds", of course. I'm not pissing on your parade, I promise. :-D.
  
  
• My willpower has begun to strengthen lately. At least I would like to believe it has... Still, sometimes you can't pass up a good offer. ;-). And you can take that whichever way you prefer.
  
  
• Fuck the naysayers, I'm my only critic, you bitches!
  
  
• I need a psychologist, if only to allow my head to stop reverting to the same train of thought on a usual basis. 
   
• Update on other pressing matters- UF denied me, Flagler College is going to let me know at the end of march, and Northwestern University will notify me in mid-April. *crosses fingers*. Not to Northwestern, though. I'm obviously not about to get in. 
   
• I wish I wasn't so uncordinated in my speech. I must sound like a nervous wreck sometimes.

AND THAT IS ALL. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. *bows* I hope you enjoyed my bullshit. At the very least, I hope you understood my bullshit. I know I'm hard to get sometimes.