equilibrium
howon/sungjong ; 3,954w ; r ; non-au
it's only obvious that all that smooth, supine confidence comes with a price.
[ref. material: x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x ]
twenty four hours aren't enough
when i'm with you
시간이 모자라 || 선미
Woohyun is smiling at him, annoyingly flashy sweatshirt bunched up at his stomach, and Howon knows that look, could spot it from miles. So, he carefully lowers his gaze and pretends he's concentrating on a dance step. It seems to work because Woohyun skips past him and whispers something in Sunggyu's ear.
Five minutes later, he spots a completely drenched Sungjong muttering curses under his breath as he stomps to the bathroom. A few feet away are Woohyun and Sunggyu, doubling over each other in laughter. Howon laughs with them. It feels fake. Staged. Like a scripted variety show. Woohyun doesn't notice, just laughs exaggeratedly loud and runs toward Dongwoo, but Sunggyu does, those observant eyes narrowing just a fraction before clearing.
It terrifies him.
(Before the fame and the triple crown victories, Howon could have easily admitted that Sungjong might just be the love of his life, his one and only, his forever and ever. As it is, they're knee-deep in success and Howon can't buy ramen by himself anymore.)
Man in Love is a goddamn fucking joke is what it is, a concept Howon can't even begin to relate to, but it's also the best song in the whole world because this era calls for bright smiles and cheesy heart throwing moves. It makes Sungjong light up, makes him childish, makes him smile. Howon missed that smile.
"Who's the sexiest member?" the interviewer asks and Howon's finger snaps to his side.
No one's ever accused him of being subtle.
Howon's favorite pastime is dancing by himself in an empty studio with the lights dimmed. It's his personal place, his hideout. It's his best kept secret. No one knows about it except for some stupid, stupid reason, Sungjong. The kid's cute as hell when he's not even trying so maybe Howon slipped one day, maybe he offered up his most intimate place as a way to keep Sungjong from crying.
Maybe Sungjong stopped mid-sob and stared up at Howon with big, black eyes have been making Howon's life a little bit difficult since the first time he saw them.
"Hyung," Sungjong whispered reverently, all that misguided awe and admiration spilling out in gallons.
"Come on."
Howon ended up dancing for Sungjong to a fast song whose words he didn't really understand.
From then on, Sungjong always accompanies him on his little getaways, sits on the floor in a corner and just watches with that unconditional sort of love. It's flattering. It's exciting. (It's unsettling.)
Maybe it's one of these nights when Howon will finally snap, will yank the speakers down and push Sungjong right where it hurts. Or, maybe it's one of these nights when Howon will dance to whatever song Sungjong wants him to.
Myungsoo is a good friend. He's the second youngest, a spoiled prince, and a little bit odd. Howon doesn't mind spending time with him. Except.
"Sungjong, come here."
It's silly but Howon feels just a little bit homicidal when Sungjong drops the book he'd been reading to walk up to Myungsoo. (That's supposed to be yours, something whispers inside his head. Yeah, well, fuck you, he whispers back because he doesn't need a fucking existentialist crisis.)
Myungsoo tugs Sungjong down to the seat next to him, that unfairly handsome smile playing at his lips, and he says, "You can't please everyone."
For some reason, that makes Sungjong tear up and Howon suddenly can't stand Myungsoo. Sungjong hasn't cried for months, he's been doing good. He doesn't need this.
Except.
"Thank you," Sungjong whispers, hand squeezing Myungsoo's arm once before he gets up and gets back to his book. Myungsoo seems terribly unaffected, like he knew exactly what his words would do.
Howon clears his throat and stabs at his iPad with unnecessarily force.
It all comes to a climax (rising action, the plot thickens, the protagonists fucks up every good thing he's got, etc., etc.) on a hot, summer day. Howon is tired and sweaty and a lot more than a little bit in love with a moronic diva. So, he's subsequently pissed and ready to fight. An issue presents itself in the form of room assignment. After a few rounds of rock-paper-scissors, Howon ends up in a room with Sungjong. It's like the good old days except Myungsoo is also in that room.
"Let's do it again," Howon suggests and is met with a frowning Sunggyu and five confused faces.
"Why?" Myungsoo asks, head in Sungjong's lap, and Howon clenches his teeth.
"I've roomed with Sungjong too many times."
Sunggyu's frown deepens and Howon knows what's going to happen next. As much as Infinite likes to bully it's youngest, it also likes to cherish and spoil him. And, it's no surprise when Myungsoo sits up and stares at Howon, mirroring all the other glares Howon is receiving. Sungjong laughs, his eyes too wide to mean it, and says, "Yeah, let's just do it again."
Dongwoo ruffles Sungjong's hair and whines when Sungjong slaps his hand away.
Howon's fingers tighten around the sofa's armrest and he wonders whose sick fucking idea it was to make jealousy synonymous with love.
Sungjong ends up in a room with Sunggyu and Howon breathes a little bit easier. As much of bully the leader may seem, he's also a total sweetheart and not romantically interested in Sungjong (inappropriate objectification of Sungjong's body aside). Which is pretty much top priority at this point because everyone seems romantically interested in Sungjong these days, even gross MCs with bad jokes and ugly noses. Howon gets a room all to himself and that's cool, too. He's always been sort of a lone wolf.
Life is pretty good until Sunggyu knocks on his door. Howon ushers him in, slipping his headphones off of one ear and raising his eyebrows in question. Sunggyu smiles deceptively wide and closes the door behind him as he comes over to sit down on Howon's bed, making Howon spin in his chair in order to face him.
"What's up?"
"What's going on with you and Sungjong?" he asks and Howon automatically grins like he always does when he's nervous.
"Nothing."
Sunggyu stares at him and it makes Howon even more anxious.
"He's your oldest friend among us. There's no reason for you to-"
"Hey, listen. I just. The kid's okay with it, so no harm done right."
"I think we both know he's not okay with it. He worships the ground you walk on. What issue would he have with rooming with you?"
Howon's grin widens and Sunggyu shakes his head.
"Figure it out before you hurt him."
Sunggyu pats his knee, all that Mr. Leader charm and comfort, and Howon's grin slips.
Sungjong doesn't talk to him for days, doesn't follow him to his midnight dance sessions, doesn't do stupid things to get his attention, and he certainly doesn't laugh at Howon's unfunny jokes. Howon finds himself unsettled and terribly lonely. Everyone else notices, of course, since the group is codependent as hell. Myungsoo deals with the shift in equilibrium by being even moodier than usual, bothering Sungyeol with demands and complaints until Sungyeol smacks his forehead. Dongwoo deals with it by being oblivious to it. Woohyun handles it by being extra sweet to Sungjong and extra sweet to Howon (never at the same time, though, because he's the metaphorical Switzerland of this discord). Sunggyu deals with it by driving them harder at practice.
Howon deals with it by inappropriately using dance moves to touch Sungjong. (You're supposed to be here, Sungjong-ah. You're supposed to bend your elbow at this part. You're supposed to do kick stiffer. You're supposed to pay attention to me.)
It's dysfunctional and yeah, maybe it hurts a little bit every time Sungjong flinches away from him, but it works.
"Infinite S," he says without hesitation and Woohyun tenses next to him (not losing that greasy smile, though, never losing that greasy smile). Sungjong grins and says something like yeah, he's been thinking about it too. Like Sungjong didn't punch him in the stomach yesterday. Like Sungjong gives a fuck about whatever stupid idea Howon has.
The MC is hot as sin and his eyes drag along Sungjong's pale, thin wrists when he dances to an SNSD song. Howon's smile drips and drops and he says, "I changed my mind."
He watches Sungjong joke it off and thinks about punching the MC right on his pretty mouth.
Howon hates being a cliche but his personality is pretty much a direct side effect of a disappointed father and an overcompensating mother. He's insecure as hell and tries to make up for it by acting stupidly confident. That little system ends up biting him in the ass more times than he'd care to admit.
The point is, Howon hates going home.
So, this isn't shaping up to be his ideal morning. But, his little brother had called and asked him to attend the music fair at his school and Howon's always had a soft spot for that kid. Hence, he ends up sitting in the back row with his shoulders tense and his father's arm brushing against his like a constant reminder of, how are you going to live off of being a singer, huh, are you gonna feed your kids lyrics and dance steps? Be realistic. Disheartening, but Howon's not ten years old anymore. He isn't filled with an ever present need to please his father anymore.
He's not.
"How have you been?"
Howon immediately straightens and glances to his right. His father is staring straight ahead where the principal is making some inane announcement. Howon's palms feels hot and sweaty where they're gripping his thighs.
"Good. How have- How have you been?"
"Well."
And, that seems to be the end of him. His mother gently grips his wrist and he blinks hard to keep from crying.
The spring this year is damp and sticky, and it makes arguments more heated than they would normally be. Skin on hot, uncomfortable skin makes Howon irritable and moody and he isn't the only one. Sunggyu has been reprimanding them for the littlest things since they got up at 4 A.M to practice, slapping their arms when they miss a step and yelling in their ears when they don't sing right.
It's getting a little bit problematic.
"If you don't want to get this right, then why are you here?" he screams, hands fisted at his sides.
No one raises their heads.
"Sorry, hyung. Let's try it again."
Howon's stomach clenches in pure reflex to Sungjong's soft voice and his fingers itch with the need to push Sungjong's hair out of his eyes.
There's a sense of defeat in the air and it's making his head hurt.
Howon thinks he'll never forget the exact moment Sungjong forgives him. It's spring and it's sticky, but it's beautiful. Howon sits on a secluded park bench and it's midnight. One of the managers is buying soju from the nearby tent.
It's raining.
Sungjong sits down next to him and their shoulders brush against each other, enticing an awkward laugh from Howon and a blush from Sungjong.
("Sungjong respects me." Everyone laughs but he's sure they don't really get the joke.)
Some tired looking business is walking along the sidewalk opposite them and Howon keeps his gaze fixated on the worn, brown briefcase until it's out of sight. He's about to get up and pretend to go check on the manager when Sungjong clears his throat.
"Hyung."
"Yeah?"
Sungjong is staring down at his own knees and Howon thinks he's, well. Beautiful.
"I'm. Whatever I did, I'm sorry."
It isn't in Sungjong's nature to say sorry. He's the most unapologetic little shit out there and it makes Howon's heart kickstart painfully when Sungjong tears up. It isn't in Sungjong's nature to cry, either. But, the fame took them all by surprise and Sungjong's cried more often than either one would like to say and Sungjong's always been sort of an idiot when it comes to his favorite hyung. Howon had found it endearing back in the day, had craved it. Now, it's a quickly tightening rope and Howon's got no knife to cut himself loose.
"You didn't do anything. It was me, you know that."
Sungjong just sniffs and Howon sighs. He shifts toward Sungjong and tugs him to his chest, burying his nose into Sungjong's hair and closing his eyes. Sungjong doesn't fit right against him, his elbows is digging painfully into Howon's waist, but he's warm and he's all Howon has left.
"I'm sorry," Howon whispers and Sungjong grabs a handful of Howon's shirt like he's holding on for dear life.
And, really, all Howon's ever wanted is Sungjong in his arms.
The group forgives and forgets as soon as Sungjong does and Howon isn't subjected to glares every time he goes into a room. Balance is restored. All is well. Infinite is taking over Korea one television appearance at a time. They have a new song out and it's doing even better than their last one, and Howon is stuck in a loop of confetti and interviews and the frequently changing color of Sungjong's hair. He grits his teeth because he likes it natural and black and smooth, but Sungjong's gaze always leaves little room for argument.
And, then, Sungjong gets up on stage and cries.
Cries delicately and conservatively like he's struggling to breathe, but still trying to keep it classy.
Howon hates that fame comes with fear.
Woohyun takes them all out for dinner one day and they go into an exclusive restaurant that ensures they won't be photographed. It's vaguely reminiscent of the old trainee days, except they're eating steak and sipping wine.
As the food starts to fall heavy in their stomachs and only a few glass of wine are still full, Sungyeol tells a fucked up horror story and Dongwoo digs his nails into Howon's arm. Howon rolls his eyes as Sungyeol whispers, "But, there was nobody there," and he laughs when Dongwoo turns around sharply to glance behind him. On the other end of the table, Myungsoo has his head on Sungjong's shoulder and is smiling fondly down at the pale, thin fingers he has in his hands. Sungjong is listening raptly to Sungyeol's story, mindless to Myungsoo's reverent touch, and Howon smiles bitterly down at his wine.
Sunggyu tickles the back of Dongwoo's neck at the climax of the story and it takes them five minutes to stop laughing and pick Dongwoo up off the floor.
Myungsoo doesn't let go of Sungjong's fingers the whole time.
(It's raining. Again. And, Howon is in love with Sungjong's pretty fingers and he wants to nip at them as he scratches up a storm across Sungjong's stomach. Sungjong looks at him, adoration firmly in place, and blushes from ear to ear. Howon asks him what's wrong and Sungjong says, "Kiss me," like he's asking for water or something equally as mundane.
Howon laughs and laughs and laughs until Sungjong shoves him off the chair and leaves the room in tears.
He doesn't stop laughing until he hears Sungjong's door slam and the sound echoes inside his own hollow chest. His hand flies to his heart and he can barely breath over the sobs his whole body is shaking with.)
Sungjong dies his hair dirty blonde and it feels like the world is ending.
"Stop being a dramatic bitch," Sunggyu chides, but life is life and Howon's been a dramatic bitch for most of it.
"In another lifetime, in this moment, what would you be doing?"
Woohyun gets sentimental when he's drunk. Well, sentimental and awfully sad. Howon's avoids drinking with him for the most part, prefers the cheesy, greasy version of him, but today, he's also a little bit sad and there's that saying-
Misery accompanies love.
No, it's-
Miserable love-
No. That's not right either.
Misery-
"Misery loves company, you stupid fuck."
Howon blinks a few times and that stupid fucking teddy bear Sungjong's obsessed with stops tripling in amount.
"Oh right."
Woohyun giggles into his shot glass and then suddenly turns serious.
"In another lifetime-"
Howon visions blurs again and he tilts until his back is pressed to the cold floor and Sungjong's teddybear is upside down and in another lifetime, Sungjong would stomp over and-
In this moment, Sungjong would lean over and huff.
And, Howon would say, sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to fall in love with you, and Sungjong would shake his head and, in another lifetime, Sungjong would bend down and kiss Howon right on the mouth. As it is, Woohyun is about two seconds away from vomiting and Howon can't quite feel his lips.
Howon loves concerts, loves watching sweat and hard work and practice pay off. He also loves birthdays. And, Sungjong, of course. So, all of them added together equals Howon's personal little heaven. He watches Sungyeol smear brown frosting across Sungjong's face and laughs. It's all good fun until Sungyeol grabs the back of Sungjong's neck and tries to slam his face into the cake. Howon's smile dims and his eyes never leave the slender, long fingers on Sungjong's neck.
The fans are screaming and Howon grabs Sungjong at the exact spot Sungyeol did a few seconds ago and leans forward to whisper, "Get him back," into Sungjong's ear.
He leans back, professional grin firmly in place, and watching Sungjong fake a speech before swiping up frosting and aiming at Sungyeol's face. His chest tightens as Sungyeol blocks the blow and he doesn't really feel particularly bad when he dumps half a bottle of cold water down Sungyeol's head a minute later.
Birthday boys deserve a little teasing, after all.
So, maybe, possible, perhaps, some limits have been reached and he can only smile at every stupid thing Sungjong does for so long before someone notices. Of course, he never slips in public. Well, almost never. In public, he's that aloof hyung that just laughs while the other hyungs touch Sungjong's hair and say sweet things. In private, lovesickness is a lot harder to tame.
It's Myungsoo, ultimately, who confronts him with, "Stop playing with him."
He says it formally and respectfully, but there's no missing that fire in his eyes. Like he wouldn't mind ripping Howon's face off.
Howon sneers a little without meaning to.
"What?"
Myungsoo frowns and Howon's stomach twists over.
"He still cries at night. You just don't hear it anymore."
His bravado shrinks considerably at that.
"Of course, it just could be the fame," (Howon's selfish, bastard heart flutters hopefully), "but, he's not that weak and you're not that stupid."
Howon stares at him for what seems like centuries, feeling like a lost child in a maze of twisting paths and barbed wire, and only snaps out of it when Sunggyu yells at them to start practicing.
(Myungsoo doesn't realize that Sungjong has always been Howon's matter of interest.)
He kisses Sungjong and it's very anticlimactic. Sungjong is pretending to cook while Woohyun does all the actual work and Howon is absolutely enamored by the shiny onion-induced tears in Sungjong's eyes. So, he slaps a hand across Woohyun's eyes and stretches over the counter to press a soft, quick kiss at the corner of Sungjong's mouth. Woohyun jerks his head back with an annoyed huff but misses the kiss entirely and seems confused as to why Sungjong is stiff and blushing.
"Chop the onions, idiot," Woohyun chides, moving away from the counter to go stir at something on the stove. Sungjong cheeks are flushing redder and redder and Howon watches embarrassment fade and flare into anger.
Sungjong slams the knife in his hand harshly down on the cutting board, face twisted up into a scowl, and stomps around the counter until he can grab Howon's wrist and drag him out of the kitchen. Woohyun yells something faintly threatening, but Howon can't quite give it attention because he's preoccupied by the way Sungjong's hair curls delicately against the back of his neck when it's not styled and straightened.
Howon is a bit dazed when he's shoved into a room and Sungjong steps inside after him, locking the door and then crossing his arms. He looks so angry and Howon just wants to kiss him again.
Sungjong lets out an angry huff, shifting until his hands are on his hips and he's glaring directly at Howon.
"What the hell was that?" he asks and Howon's happy little bubble dissipates just a fraction.
"I know you like to play up 'innocent virgin boy' for the fans, but I'm sure you know what a kiss is," Howon drawls out, nerves making him mean and vindictive. Sungjong flushes a deep red and his fingers are white from clutching his hips so tightly.
"Shut the fuck up," he spits out and Howon is snapped out of his reprieve because Sungjong never talks to him like that. Sungjong ruffles Sunggyu's hair. Sungjong kicks Woohyun in the shins. But, Sungjong never curses at Howon.
He glances around and vaguely registers the fact that they're not in either of their rooms, so no one has the home court advantage.
"I'm sorry," he says and it sounds so insincere bouncing off the walls and the steel of Sungjong's eyes.
"Yeah, you sound it."
Howon flinches slightly and figures he might as well lay it all down now that they're at that break it or make it point. And, there's really no point in breaking it.
"I thought you'd like it. Me kissing you."
"So, you did it because you thought I would like? What about what you like?"
Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Howon mumbles, "I liked it."
Sungjong's glare sharpens.
"What about a month ago when I asked you to kiss me? You didn't like it then."
"Guess I changed my mind," Howon says, looking down at his feet.
"You laughed at me," Sungjong says, eyes wide and wet in accusation.
The last of Howon's confidence slips off his stance and he reaches out hesitantly to touch Sungjong's arm. He's side-stepped, but he's resilient. Sungjong is red from crying and yelling and Howon's corners him in, hands out in front as if caging in a skittish animal.
"Just listen to me for a second," Howon urges and Sungjong sniffles pathetically, but doesn't push him away. "I'm sort of an idiot," (He ignores Sungjong's snort), "And, you don't owe me anything, but I'm also- I also like you. A lot. And, I don't want to lose you. Over anything."
Sungjong wipes at his nose with his sleeve, frowning through his blonde bangs, and Howon blurts out, "I love you," in sheer panic. Sungjong's eyes widen and his arm drops down limply. Howon's palms feel sticky and sweaty and Sungjong doesn't speak for a good minute.
Finally, after some throat clearing (on Howon's part) and some straightening up (on Sungjong's part), Sungjong says, "I love you, too, you awful, stupid human being."
Howon grins even as his forehead feels shiny and clammy with sweat and takes a hesitant step forward. When Sungjong tilts his head amusedly, he swoops in close and warps his arms around Sungjong's waist, nearly picking him off the floor in one hot, searing kiss.
Nothing changes drastically. Howon and Sungjong still room together whenever they have a chance, they still take care of each other openly, Sungjong still gets teased for favoring Howon. They've been in love for a long time and everyone thinks it's about time they owned up to it.
Fame doesn't loosen its grip on their necks, but they don't feel it as much when they kiss in the shower.
(Fame affords them a very big shower.)
a/n: IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME FRIENDS i'm back into kpop and hojong is everything <3
it's only obvious that all that smooth, supine confidence comes with a price.
[ref. material: x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | x ]
twenty four hours aren't enough
when i'm with you
시간이 모자라 || 선미
Woohyun is smiling at him, annoyingly flashy sweatshirt bunched up at his stomach, and Howon knows that look, could spot it from miles. So, he carefully lowers his gaze and pretends he's concentrating on a dance step. It seems to work because Woohyun skips past him and whispers something in Sunggyu's ear.
Five minutes later, he spots a completely drenched Sungjong muttering curses under his breath as he stomps to the bathroom. A few feet away are Woohyun and Sunggyu, doubling over each other in laughter. Howon laughs with them. It feels fake. Staged. Like a scripted variety show. Woohyun doesn't notice, just laughs exaggeratedly loud and runs toward Dongwoo, but Sunggyu does, those observant eyes narrowing just a fraction before clearing.
It terrifies him.
(Before the fame and the triple crown victories, Howon could have easily admitted that Sungjong might just be the love of his life, his one and only, his forever and ever. As it is, they're knee-deep in success and Howon can't buy ramen by himself anymore.)
Man in Love is a goddamn fucking joke is what it is, a concept Howon can't even begin to relate to, but it's also the best song in the whole world because this era calls for bright smiles and cheesy heart throwing moves. It makes Sungjong light up, makes him childish, makes him smile. Howon missed that smile.
"Who's the sexiest member?" the interviewer asks and Howon's finger snaps to his side.
No one's ever accused him of being subtle.
Howon's favorite pastime is dancing by himself in an empty studio with the lights dimmed. It's his personal place, his hideout. It's his best kept secret. No one knows about it except for some stupid, stupid reason, Sungjong. The kid's cute as hell when he's not even trying so maybe Howon slipped one day, maybe he offered up his most intimate place as a way to keep Sungjong from crying.
Maybe Sungjong stopped mid-sob and stared up at Howon with big, black eyes have been making Howon's life a little bit difficult since the first time he saw them.
"Hyung," Sungjong whispered reverently, all that misguided awe and admiration spilling out in gallons.
"Come on."
Howon ended up dancing for Sungjong to a fast song whose words he didn't really understand.
From then on, Sungjong always accompanies him on his little getaways, sits on the floor in a corner and just watches with that unconditional sort of love. It's flattering. It's exciting. (It's unsettling.)
Maybe it's one of these nights when Howon will finally snap, will yank the speakers down and push Sungjong right where it hurts. Or, maybe it's one of these nights when Howon will dance to whatever song Sungjong wants him to.
Myungsoo is a good friend. He's the second youngest, a spoiled prince, and a little bit odd. Howon doesn't mind spending time with him. Except.
"Sungjong, come here."
It's silly but Howon feels just a little bit homicidal when Sungjong drops the book he'd been reading to walk up to Myungsoo. (That's supposed to be yours, something whispers inside his head. Yeah, well, fuck you, he whispers back because he doesn't need a fucking existentialist crisis.)
Myungsoo tugs Sungjong down to the seat next to him, that unfairly handsome smile playing at his lips, and he says, "You can't please everyone."
For some reason, that makes Sungjong tear up and Howon suddenly can't stand Myungsoo. Sungjong hasn't cried for months, he's been doing good. He doesn't need this.
Except.
"Thank you," Sungjong whispers, hand squeezing Myungsoo's arm once before he gets up and gets back to his book. Myungsoo seems terribly unaffected, like he knew exactly what his words would do.
Howon clears his throat and stabs at his iPad with unnecessarily force.
It all comes to a climax (rising action, the plot thickens, the protagonists fucks up every good thing he's got, etc., etc.) on a hot, summer day. Howon is tired and sweaty and a lot more than a little bit in love with a moronic diva. So, he's subsequently pissed and ready to fight. An issue presents itself in the form of room assignment. After a few rounds of rock-paper-scissors, Howon ends up in a room with Sungjong. It's like the good old days except Myungsoo is also in that room.
"Let's do it again," Howon suggests and is met with a frowning Sunggyu and five confused faces.
"Why?" Myungsoo asks, head in Sungjong's lap, and Howon clenches his teeth.
"I've roomed with Sungjong too many times."
Sunggyu's frown deepens and Howon knows what's going to happen next. As much as Infinite likes to bully it's youngest, it also likes to cherish and spoil him. And, it's no surprise when Myungsoo sits up and stares at Howon, mirroring all the other glares Howon is receiving. Sungjong laughs, his eyes too wide to mean it, and says, "Yeah, let's just do it again."
Dongwoo ruffles Sungjong's hair and whines when Sungjong slaps his hand away.
Howon's fingers tighten around the sofa's armrest and he wonders whose sick fucking idea it was to make jealousy synonymous with love.
Sungjong ends up in a room with Sunggyu and Howon breathes a little bit easier. As much of bully the leader may seem, he's also a total sweetheart and not romantically interested in Sungjong (inappropriate objectification of Sungjong's body aside). Which is pretty much top priority at this point because everyone seems romantically interested in Sungjong these days, even gross MCs with bad jokes and ugly noses. Howon gets a room all to himself and that's cool, too. He's always been sort of a lone wolf.
Life is pretty good until Sunggyu knocks on his door. Howon ushers him in, slipping his headphones off of one ear and raising his eyebrows in question. Sunggyu smiles deceptively wide and closes the door behind him as he comes over to sit down on Howon's bed, making Howon spin in his chair in order to face him.
"What's up?"
"What's going on with you and Sungjong?" he asks and Howon automatically grins like he always does when he's nervous.
"Nothing."
Sunggyu stares at him and it makes Howon even more anxious.
"He's your oldest friend among us. There's no reason for you to-"
"Hey, listen. I just. The kid's okay with it, so no harm done right."
"I think we both know he's not okay with it. He worships the ground you walk on. What issue would he have with rooming with you?"
Howon's grin widens and Sunggyu shakes his head.
"Figure it out before you hurt him."
Sunggyu pats his knee, all that Mr. Leader charm and comfort, and Howon's grin slips.
Sungjong doesn't talk to him for days, doesn't follow him to his midnight dance sessions, doesn't do stupid things to get his attention, and he certainly doesn't laugh at Howon's unfunny jokes. Howon finds himself unsettled and terribly lonely. Everyone else notices, of course, since the group is codependent as hell. Myungsoo deals with the shift in equilibrium by being even moodier than usual, bothering Sungyeol with demands and complaints until Sungyeol smacks his forehead. Dongwoo deals with it by being oblivious to it. Woohyun handles it by being extra sweet to Sungjong and extra sweet to Howon (never at the same time, though, because he's the metaphorical Switzerland of this discord). Sunggyu deals with it by driving them harder at practice.
Howon deals with it by inappropriately using dance moves to touch Sungjong. (You're supposed to be here, Sungjong-ah. You're supposed to bend your elbow at this part. You're supposed to do kick stiffer. You're supposed to pay attention to me.)
It's dysfunctional and yeah, maybe it hurts a little bit every time Sungjong flinches away from him, but it works.
"Infinite S," he says without hesitation and Woohyun tenses next to him (not losing that greasy smile, though, never losing that greasy smile). Sungjong grins and says something like yeah, he's been thinking about it too. Like Sungjong didn't punch him in the stomach yesterday. Like Sungjong gives a fuck about whatever stupid idea Howon has.
The MC is hot as sin and his eyes drag along Sungjong's pale, thin wrists when he dances to an SNSD song. Howon's smile drips and drops and he says, "I changed my mind."
He watches Sungjong joke it off and thinks about punching the MC right on his pretty mouth.
Howon hates being a cliche but his personality is pretty much a direct side effect of a disappointed father and an overcompensating mother. He's insecure as hell and tries to make up for it by acting stupidly confident. That little system ends up biting him in the ass more times than he'd care to admit.
The point is, Howon hates going home.
So, this isn't shaping up to be his ideal morning. But, his little brother had called and asked him to attend the music fair at his school and Howon's always had a soft spot for that kid. Hence, he ends up sitting in the back row with his shoulders tense and his father's arm brushing against his like a constant reminder of, how are you going to live off of being a singer, huh, are you gonna feed your kids lyrics and dance steps? Be realistic. Disheartening, but Howon's not ten years old anymore. He isn't filled with an ever present need to please his father anymore.
He's not.
"How have you been?"
Howon immediately straightens and glances to his right. His father is staring straight ahead where the principal is making some inane announcement. Howon's palms feels hot and sweaty where they're gripping his thighs.
"Good. How have- How have you been?"
"Well."
And, that seems to be the end of him. His mother gently grips his wrist and he blinks hard to keep from crying.
The spring this year is damp and sticky, and it makes arguments more heated than they would normally be. Skin on hot, uncomfortable skin makes Howon irritable and moody and he isn't the only one. Sunggyu has been reprimanding them for the littlest things since they got up at 4 A.M to practice, slapping their arms when they miss a step and yelling in their ears when they don't sing right.
It's getting a little bit problematic.
"If you don't want to get this right, then why are you here?" he screams, hands fisted at his sides.
No one raises their heads.
"Sorry, hyung. Let's try it again."
Howon's stomach clenches in pure reflex to Sungjong's soft voice and his fingers itch with the need to push Sungjong's hair out of his eyes.
There's a sense of defeat in the air and it's making his head hurt.
Howon thinks he'll never forget the exact moment Sungjong forgives him. It's spring and it's sticky, but it's beautiful. Howon sits on a secluded park bench and it's midnight. One of the managers is buying soju from the nearby tent.
It's raining.
Sungjong sits down next to him and their shoulders brush against each other, enticing an awkward laugh from Howon and a blush from Sungjong.
("Sungjong respects me." Everyone laughs but he's sure they don't really get the joke.)
Some tired looking business is walking along the sidewalk opposite them and Howon keeps his gaze fixated on the worn, brown briefcase until it's out of sight. He's about to get up and pretend to go check on the manager when Sungjong clears his throat.
"Hyung."
"Yeah?"
Sungjong is staring down at his own knees and Howon thinks he's, well. Beautiful.
"I'm. Whatever I did, I'm sorry."
It isn't in Sungjong's nature to say sorry. He's the most unapologetic little shit out there and it makes Howon's heart kickstart painfully when Sungjong tears up. It isn't in Sungjong's nature to cry, either. But, the fame took them all by surprise and Sungjong's cried more often than either one would like to say and Sungjong's always been sort of an idiot when it comes to his favorite hyung. Howon had found it endearing back in the day, had craved it. Now, it's a quickly tightening rope and Howon's got no knife to cut himself loose.
"You didn't do anything. It was me, you know that."
Sungjong just sniffs and Howon sighs. He shifts toward Sungjong and tugs him to his chest, burying his nose into Sungjong's hair and closing his eyes. Sungjong doesn't fit right against him, his elbows is digging painfully into Howon's waist, but he's warm and he's all Howon has left.
"I'm sorry," Howon whispers and Sungjong grabs a handful of Howon's shirt like he's holding on for dear life.
And, really, all Howon's ever wanted is Sungjong in his arms.
The group forgives and forgets as soon as Sungjong does and Howon isn't subjected to glares every time he goes into a room. Balance is restored. All is well. Infinite is taking over Korea one television appearance at a time. They have a new song out and it's doing even better than their last one, and Howon is stuck in a loop of confetti and interviews and the frequently changing color of Sungjong's hair. He grits his teeth because he likes it natural and black and smooth, but Sungjong's gaze always leaves little room for argument.
And, then, Sungjong gets up on stage and cries.
Cries delicately and conservatively like he's struggling to breathe, but still trying to keep it classy.
Howon hates that fame comes with fear.
Woohyun takes them all out for dinner one day and they go into an exclusive restaurant that ensures they won't be photographed. It's vaguely reminiscent of the old trainee days, except they're eating steak and sipping wine.
As the food starts to fall heavy in their stomachs and only a few glass of wine are still full, Sungyeol tells a fucked up horror story and Dongwoo digs his nails into Howon's arm. Howon rolls his eyes as Sungyeol whispers, "But, there was nobody there," and he laughs when Dongwoo turns around sharply to glance behind him. On the other end of the table, Myungsoo has his head on Sungjong's shoulder and is smiling fondly down at the pale, thin fingers he has in his hands. Sungjong is listening raptly to Sungyeol's story, mindless to Myungsoo's reverent touch, and Howon smiles bitterly down at his wine.
Sunggyu tickles the back of Dongwoo's neck at the climax of the story and it takes them five minutes to stop laughing and pick Dongwoo up off the floor.
Myungsoo doesn't let go of Sungjong's fingers the whole time.
(It's raining. Again. And, Howon is in love with Sungjong's pretty fingers and he wants to nip at them as he scratches up a storm across Sungjong's stomach. Sungjong looks at him, adoration firmly in place, and blushes from ear to ear. Howon asks him what's wrong and Sungjong says, "Kiss me," like he's asking for water or something equally as mundane.
Howon laughs and laughs and laughs until Sungjong shoves him off the chair and leaves the room in tears.
He doesn't stop laughing until he hears Sungjong's door slam and the sound echoes inside his own hollow chest. His hand flies to his heart and he can barely breath over the sobs his whole body is shaking with.)
Sungjong dies his hair dirty blonde and it feels like the world is ending.
"Stop being a dramatic bitch," Sunggyu chides, but life is life and Howon's been a dramatic bitch for most of it.
"In another lifetime, in this moment, what would you be doing?"
Woohyun gets sentimental when he's drunk. Well, sentimental and awfully sad. Howon's avoids drinking with him for the most part, prefers the cheesy, greasy version of him, but today, he's also a little bit sad and there's that saying-
Misery accompanies love.
No, it's-
Miserable love-
No. That's not right either.
Misery-
"Misery loves company, you stupid fuck."
Howon blinks a few times and that stupid fucking teddy bear Sungjong's obsessed with stops tripling in amount.
"Oh right."
Woohyun giggles into his shot glass and then suddenly turns serious.
"In another lifetime-"
Howon visions blurs again and he tilts until his back is pressed to the cold floor and Sungjong's teddybear is upside down and in another lifetime, Sungjong would stomp over and-
In this moment, Sungjong would lean over and huff.
And, Howon would say, sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to fall in love with you, and Sungjong would shake his head and, in another lifetime, Sungjong would bend down and kiss Howon right on the mouth. As it is, Woohyun is about two seconds away from vomiting and Howon can't quite feel his lips.
Howon loves concerts, loves watching sweat and hard work and practice pay off. He also loves birthdays. And, Sungjong, of course. So, all of them added together equals Howon's personal little heaven. He watches Sungyeol smear brown frosting across Sungjong's face and laughs. It's all good fun until Sungyeol grabs the back of Sungjong's neck and tries to slam his face into the cake. Howon's smile dims and his eyes never leave the slender, long fingers on Sungjong's neck.
The fans are screaming and Howon grabs Sungjong at the exact spot Sungyeol did a few seconds ago and leans forward to whisper, "Get him back," into Sungjong's ear.
He leans back, professional grin firmly in place, and watching Sungjong fake a speech before swiping up frosting and aiming at Sungyeol's face. His chest tightens as Sungyeol blocks the blow and he doesn't really feel particularly bad when he dumps half a bottle of cold water down Sungyeol's head a minute later.
Birthday boys deserve a little teasing, after all.
So, maybe, possible, perhaps, some limits have been reached and he can only smile at every stupid thing Sungjong does for so long before someone notices. Of course, he never slips in public. Well, almost never. In public, he's that aloof hyung that just laughs while the other hyungs touch Sungjong's hair and say sweet things. In private, lovesickness is a lot harder to tame.
It's Myungsoo, ultimately, who confronts him with, "Stop playing with him."
He says it formally and respectfully, but there's no missing that fire in his eyes. Like he wouldn't mind ripping Howon's face off.
Howon sneers a little without meaning to.
"What?"
Myungsoo frowns and Howon's stomach twists over.
"He still cries at night. You just don't hear it anymore."
His bravado shrinks considerably at that.
"Of course, it just could be the fame," (Howon's selfish, bastard heart flutters hopefully), "but, he's not that weak and you're not that stupid."
Howon stares at him for what seems like centuries, feeling like a lost child in a maze of twisting paths and barbed wire, and only snaps out of it when Sunggyu yells at them to start practicing.
(Myungsoo doesn't realize that Sungjong has always been Howon's matter of interest.)
He kisses Sungjong and it's very anticlimactic. Sungjong is pretending to cook while Woohyun does all the actual work and Howon is absolutely enamored by the shiny onion-induced tears in Sungjong's eyes. So, he slaps a hand across Woohyun's eyes and stretches over the counter to press a soft, quick kiss at the corner of Sungjong's mouth. Woohyun jerks his head back with an annoyed huff but misses the kiss entirely and seems confused as to why Sungjong is stiff and blushing.
"Chop the onions, idiot," Woohyun chides, moving away from the counter to go stir at something on the stove. Sungjong cheeks are flushing redder and redder and Howon watches embarrassment fade and flare into anger.
Sungjong slams the knife in his hand harshly down on the cutting board, face twisted up into a scowl, and stomps around the counter until he can grab Howon's wrist and drag him out of the kitchen. Woohyun yells something faintly threatening, but Howon can't quite give it attention because he's preoccupied by the way Sungjong's hair curls delicately against the back of his neck when it's not styled and straightened.
Howon is a bit dazed when he's shoved into a room and Sungjong steps inside after him, locking the door and then crossing his arms. He looks so angry and Howon just wants to kiss him again.
Sungjong lets out an angry huff, shifting until his hands are on his hips and he's glaring directly at Howon.
"What the hell was that?" he asks and Howon's happy little bubble dissipates just a fraction.
"I know you like to play up 'innocent virgin boy' for the fans, but I'm sure you know what a kiss is," Howon drawls out, nerves making him mean and vindictive. Sungjong flushes a deep red and his fingers are white from clutching his hips so tightly.
"Shut the fuck up," he spits out and Howon is snapped out of his reprieve because Sungjong never talks to him like that. Sungjong ruffles Sunggyu's hair. Sungjong kicks Woohyun in the shins. But, Sungjong never curses at Howon.
He glances around and vaguely registers the fact that they're not in either of their rooms, so no one has the home court advantage.
"I'm sorry," he says and it sounds so insincere bouncing off the walls and the steel of Sungjong's eyes.
"Yeah, you sound it."
Howon flinches slightly and figures he might as well lay it all down now that they're at that break it or make it point. And, there's really no point in breaking it.
"I thought you'd like it. Me kissing you."
"So, you did it because you thought I would like? What about what you like?"
Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Howon mumbles, "I liked it."
Sungjong's glare sharpens.
"What about a month ago when I asked you to kiss me? You didn't like it then."
"Guess I changed my mind," Howon says, looking down at his feet.
"You laughed at me," Sungjong says, eyes wide and wet in accusation.
The last of Howon's confidence slips off his stance and he reaches out hesitantly to touch Sungjong's arm. He's side-stepped, but he's resilient. Sungjong is red from crying and yelling and Howon's corners him in, hands out in front as if caging in a skittish animal.
"Just listen to me for a second," Howon urges and Sungjong sniffles pathetically, but doesn't push him away. "I'm sort of an idiot," (He ignores Sungjong's snort), "And, you don't owe me anything, but I'm also- I also like you. A lot. And, I don't want to lose you. Over anything."
Sungjong wipes at his nose with his sleeve, frowning through his blonde bangs, and Howon blurts out, "I love you," in sheer panic. Sungjong's eyes widen and his arm drops down limply. Howon's palms feel sticky and sweaty and Sungjong doesn't speak for a good minute.
Finally, after some throat clearing (on Howon's part) and some straightening up (on Sungjong's part), Sungjong says, "I love you, too, you awful, stupid human being."
Howon grins even as his forehead feels shiny and clammy with sweat and takes a hesitant step forward. When Sungjong tilts his head amusedly, he swoops in close and warps his arms around Sungjong's waist, nearly picking him off the floor in one hot, searing kiss.
Nothing changes drastically. Howon and Sungjong still room together whenever they have a chance, they still take care of each other openly, Sungjong still gets teased for favoring Howon. They've been in love for a long time and everyone thinks it's about time they owned up to it.
Fame doesn't loosen its grip on their necks, but they don't feel it as much when they kiss in the shower.
(Fame affords them a very big shower.)
a/n: IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME FRIENDS i'm back into kpop and hojong is everything <3