terminology
☇ myungsoo/sungjong ; pg ; angst
☇ they are, by default, tragically flawed.
terminology
{uncertainty}
When Jiae walks into the room, Myungsoo feels confused. He doesn’t understand why there’s a girl in their dorm when this is supposed to be a show on Infinite. He can already tell he won’t like her, because she’s demanding, shoving past Woohyun’s hands and stealing their food. He settles into his seat and keeps on eating like she doesn’t bother him, and the members laugh nervously.
He watches Sungjong whisper something to Jiae, and now he knows he won’t ever like her.
{alliance}
Jiae isn’t as obnoxious as she was initially, and Myungsoo tries his hardest to make her feel at home. But, he has never been very good with words, only knowing how to express feelings through actions. So, he clings to her when they’re in a wheelbarrow, fingers curling over soft skin like an invitation. “Want to be friends?” it says, and Jiae screeches, grasping him in a way that says, “Of course.”
He grins, wind cutting at his chapped lips, and pretends he doesn’t notice the way Sungjong is pressed against him, because that would be giving voice (or worse, justification) to his feelings, and Myungsoo is, by nature, a careful person.
He tells himself to not get involved, tells himself to not watch Sungjong so close, too close, close enough to give people something to mutter about.
He keeps telling himself he can handle this and the camera in front of his face rattles the same as his smile
{danger}
This is risky, he thinks, holding Sungjong like this at night. But, Sungjong mutters something in his sleep, turning over and hugging Myungsoo around the middle. Myungsoo’s mind freezes and his hands are moving on their own accord when they pull Sungjong closer.
Someone moves next to him, and he pauses. All of a sudden, he hears Woohyun’s voice. He forgets to breathe for second, arms tightening around Sungjong, but then he remembers that Woohyun is a sleep talker. He breathes out slowly, heart still hammering painfully in his chest, and Sungjong nuzzles his nose into Myungsoo’s shirt.
Oxygen evades him for the second time tonight, and he is certain risk is part of the reason he can’t stop.
{hallucination}
To say that he’s simply imagining Sungjong’s advances would be, quite honestly, stupid. Myungsoo is an intuitive person, and Sungjong is simply obvious.
“Hyung,” he whispers, standing painfully close, “Hyung, I’m hungry.”
Myungsoo wants to elbow him away, but instead, he brings a hand around that flawless chin, and his voice is sickly sweet when he says, “Go ask Woohyun.”
Sungjong pouts, and Myungsoo is already halfway into the kitchen.
{priority}
The PD says they’ve got to be funnier, that they can’t keep cutting out all the boring parts. He says they have to behave like idols if they want to be treated as such. So, at the camp site, they decide to dance. They shove Jiae up, chanting along with SNSD in order to encourage her, but she ducks her head, dancing shyly and missing all the steps. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sungjong screaming the lyrics like his life depends on it.
The members clap along, and soon they jump in, dancing like wild men around the fire. Perhaps it’s too soon to be sleepy, but Myungsoo uses that as an excuse to linger around Sungjong, casting adoring looks his way almost religiously.
Someone runs into him, apologizing hastily before dancing again, fist pumping along with the beat. It’s crowded, Myungsoo realizes, and dark. The lights set up on the sand aren’t as bright as Myungsoo first found them.
He doesn’t know why he’s brave all of a sudden, because really, team comes first, always has and always should. But, here he is, touching Sungjong’s thighs, pulling him close, and saying such horrible things.
Things like, “I love you.”
Sungjong laughs, hips swaying sideways as he turns around. Myungsoo knows Sungjong doesn’t get it, because the boy’s putting bony arms around his shoulder like what Myungsoo just said was innocent.
Team comes first, but today, for a heartbeat, Sungjong tops the list.
And, Myungsoo wonders if it’s too late to stop now.
{love}
In an interview, Sungjong says he’s never been in love. Sunggyu smiles at his untainted magnae, and Myungsoo wants to make corrections, say that maybe Sungjong just doesn’t know he’s in love.
But, he remains quiet like always.
And, like always, he also says he’s never been in love.
{gravity}
It is natural, perhaps, to fall down, but Myungsoo has never felt like falling up.
“But, wouldn't falling up just be... flying?”
Myungsoo rotates his jaw, and touches the ends of Sungjong’s bangs. “I guess so.”
Sungjong rolls his eyes, (really, he doesn’t get his hyungs sometimes) and Myungsoo grins deceptively wide. Woohyun pops up out of nowhere, lazily drawing Sungjong into his chest, and smiles at Myungsoo.
“Hey, let’s go to the beach.”
Myungsoo starts to scowl, but Sungjong screeches with joy, nails digging into Woohyun’s arm, and Myungsoo rethinks his reaction.
“Yes, let’s go,” he says, and it’s worth it when Sungjong’s screeches double in volume.
{jealously}
Myungsoo would be the last one to admit it, but it bothers him when Woohyun and Sungjong are together. He finds it especially bothersome when Woohyun stands between him and Sungjong during fanmeets.
On such occasions, Myungsoo reaches around Woohyun, poking Sungjong in a way that begs for acknowledgment almost like a spoiled puppy. And, of course, Sungjong grins at him, the curving of his lips coming so naturally to him that Myungsoo feels a little lost.
Woohyun doesn’t ever notice, standing carelessly close to Sungjong, and Myungsoo forgives like he always does.
But, sometimes, when no one’s looking, Myungsoo dares to define ‘jealousy’ and finds the results only a little surprising for he has always known about the pain. He supposes he just didn’t know that much about the aftermath.
{forever}
Infinity is a loose term, since no one has, or ever will, reach it. Forever exists, of course, just not for humans, or any other destroyable object for that matter.
Sungjong, however, makes Myungsoo want to reach the very end.
Sungjong makes Myungsoo want the impossible. That’s just the way it’s been for a while now, and Myungsoo is hardly surprised when he thinks in eternities as Sungjong dances.
{misfortune}
Tragedy isn’t a foreign term for Myungsoo, for he has read Romeo and Juliet and understood it. Having always been smart, he got the meaning quicker too. So, when the teacher called on him, he said, “They didn’t really love each other.” (He never did quite get why that was the wrong answer.)
But, there’s something about Sungjong that makes Myungsoo redefine the term “tragedy”. In his mind, tragedies have always seemed ugly, just like a cut open heart, but with Sungjong, he thinks that maybe even tragedies can be beautiful.
He watches Sungjong smile, smile, smile until it looks like he’s laughing, but Myungsoo knows better. (Doesn’t he always?) He knows the bigger they come, the harder they fall.
{heartbreak}
Myungsoo kneels down next to Sungjong, slipping casual fingers around that loose shirt and pulling the boy close. This isn’t how they normally sit, but today’s different. Today, Myungsoo has maybe lost it, because, there is nothing more frustrating than a man who just won’t listen.
“Sungjong, I love you.”
Did you hear me?
“Hyung, don’t say stupid things.”
It’s been too long of day, so Myungsoo doesn’t argue like usual, doesn’t try to cut at the barriers. He simply leans into Sungjong’s soft skin, hoping for its coldness to seep into him. It’s really been too long of a day, and that’s the only reason Sungjong brings up a hand to run through Myungsoo’s hair.
That is the only reason.
{restricted}
Myungsoo’s patience has always been limited, and it goes without saying that he is fed up of loving so one-sidedly. So, he decides to let his feelings be known.
Stepping cautiously over a sound asleep Dongwoo, Myungsoo reaches Sungjong, who is crouched over in front of the computer. Sungjong clicks almost mindlessly away and Myungsoo taps his shoulder.
As expected, Sungjong turns around with a grin, but unlike most times, that grin seems to be mocking Myungsoo.
“Sungjong, I’ve got something very important to say.”
“What is it, hyung?”
Fuck, Myungsoo thinks, he can’t do this.
He takes in a deep breath, and the words spill out as if they’d been pressed up against his teeth just waiting for a chance to be spoken. The irony, Myungsoo finds, is in the way they sound so much uglier once spoken. The irony is Sungjong’s reaction. The irony is that everything is coming to an end.
{mistake}
His fingers close around the silk of Sungjong’s sleeve, and Sungjong looks back with pretty, little tears balanced at tips of his eyelashes. Myungsoo’s hand slacks and the next time it clenches, it is around thin air. This isn’t the ending he imagined, but wait- he didn’t really imagine an ending to begin with.
He always figured that a smile would follow the confession, maybe even a hesitant kiss. Not this, though, not Sungjong running away.
This isn’t, Myungsoo thinks, the way they were supposed to end.
{repent}
As hard he tries, he can’t bring himself to regret his words. Not even as he thinks of Sungjong’s tears, the betrayal in those eyes. He thinks he should be wishing for time reversal, thinks that would be more appropriate than the relief he feels.
It's just that it maybe feels really good to have said the words that have been rerunning themselves in his mind.
{fake}
Myungsoo realizes that Sungjong is more confused than hurt, and it gives him a flicker of hope. He sticks to Sungjong’s side, saying everything a hyung should but doing everything a hyung shouldn’t. The difference between words and actions only confuses Sungjong further.
So, Myungsoo decides to set things straight.
“I’m sorry,” he says once they’re alone and Sungjong is as forgiving as ever.
“That’s okay,” Sungjong says, voice breaking like he’s going through puberty too fast (or, maybe just learning to love too fast.)
“Let’s be friends again, okay?”
“Of course,” Sungjong squeals, eagerly taking Myungsoo’s hand, and he doesn’t even flinch when Myungsoo pulls him into a hug.
It should feel wrong, Myungsoo thinks, tainting the innocent, but it doesn’t and that begins to terrify him.
{belief}
Now, for Myungsoo, trust is important. So, he figures he can trust Sungjong to stay by his side just like he trusts Sungyeol to say something weird and trusts Sunggyu to make sense of situations.
What he doesn’t count on, however, is doubt. Silly, he thinks, to not factor in a worst case scenario. Ridiculous, he finds, to have to recalculate his entire definition of trust.
Sungjong is walking towards him, looking as bright as the sun, and Myungsoo holds out a hand that, normally, Sungjong would have taken without a second thought. But, today, Jiae is stepping in front of him, tugging at his arm and begging him to play with her. Myungsoo shakes her away, but Sungjong’s smile is breaking all the same.
Trust, Myungsoo learns, is a two-way street.
{fabrication}
He catches Sungjong crying one day, curled up in a corner and not making a single noise, and he knows it’s his fault. No one else would ever make Sungjong cry, purposely or otherwise.
“Sungjong,” he says softly, and the boy immediately stiffens.
“Oh, hyung,” he starts, voice cracking, “I just, I was just thinking about Jiae leaving, and-“
Myungsoo pulls Sungjong into him so that the younger has his back against Myungsoo’s chest, and he brings his lips against Sungjong’s ear.
“Don’t cry,” he whispers desperately, “Please, don’t cry.”
Sungjong relaxes into Myungsoo’s touch and Myungsoo feels warm tears on the hands he has wrapped around Sungjong’s waist.
“I don’t think I’m supposed to feel like this.”
Myungsoo understands, of course, since he’s been through this, but he doesn’t know how make it better.
“Do you love me?” he asks, such insecure hesitance in his voice that he’s surprised when Sungjong doesn’t laugh at him.
“Of course, I do. I love all the hyungs. But, why, why is it different for you?”
A childlike question, Myungsoo thinks, but then, with a pang, he realizes that Sungjong is just that; a child. A child who maybe never even thought of love, much less expected it to happen.
He runs fingers through Sungjong’s hair and rests his chin on Sungjong’s shoulder.
“Because you don’t love them like you love me.”
“I know that. But, why?”
“I don’t know, Sungjong.”
“If I, if I give us a chance, do you think I’ll get hurt?”
The answer is so obvious, but Myungsoo opts for the lie. “No. I’ll protect you, okay?”
“I’m scared,” Sungjong says in a small voice and Myungsoo kisses his ear.
“Don’t be.”
His mind screeches a different story, silently telling Sungjong to leave while he still has the chance, leave while he’s still above the water.
But, his words, like usual, reassure Sungjong, begging him to stay.
{rendezvous}
It’s anything but planned, their first date. They sneak away from the dorm, feigning schedule restrictions, and they giggle as they run through the alleys. Since they’re more popular now, they both pull their hats low. As hoped, no one recognizes them, and they even link pinkies for a short second.
Myungsoo buys Sungjong ice-cream, and they go to the fish market.
Squealing like a teenage girl, Sungjong points at everything he wants. And, naturally, Myungsoo gets him whatever that may be.
As they walk back, Sungjong leaning against Myungsoo and vice versa, the sun casts their shadows in front of them. Sungjong intertwines their fingers together and Myungsoo watches his silhouette do the same.
“I love you,” Sungjong says softly.
And, for the first time in a long time, Myungsoo feels scared.
{retract}
Sungjong is falling hard, faster than Myungsoo anticipated and he begins to withdraw. It’s not that he loves Sungjong any less; he’s just afraid of where they’re going.
“What’s wrong?” Sungjong asks, perceptive as ever, and Myungsoo shrugs the question away.
{rationale}
He cries the hardest when Jiae leaves, not having expected to feel so empty, and Sungjong barely sniffles. His face is like porcelain, beautifully white and yet so horrendously lifeless. Myungsoo reaches out amidst the sobs and tears, touches Sungjong where it should hurt.
Sungjong flinches away, using Jiae’s absence as an excuse to leave the room. Myungsoo knows better, and this is one instance he wish he didn’t.
{fix}
He tries to makes amends, tries to break the brand new shell Sungjong has quarantined himself under, but try as he might, Sungjong just won’t listen.
“I thought we had something special. I thought-“
Thought you wouldn’t hurt me, goes unsaid because Sungjong is still Sungjong, so very caring of others’ feelings and so very afraid of upsetting someone.
“I didn’t promise forever, Sungjong. I should have warned you, but you also should have known. You should have known we wouldn’t last,” he mutters, but as he says this, he wonders if he’s consoling Sungjong or himself.
“No, you said you wouldn’t- You said you’d protect me.”
“And, I have,” Myungsoo insists, even as his heart revolts, “I have. I’ve protected you from everything. I just-“
Just forgot to protect you from me, his mind finishes, and he has never felt worse.
“I’m sorry,” he breathes out, but Sungjong is already walking away. Myungsoo thinks if they were living in another world, he would have stopped Sungjong, whispered love into his hair, spoken of always. Tragic, he thinks, to end up like this.
{exonerate}
Myungsoo knows Sungjong won’t ever forgive him, but he hopes Sungjong can maybe forget. Perhaps, when Sungjong is old and has grandchildren, he’ll think back to Myungsoo and smile. Perhaps then, he won’t remember his first heartbreak.
Perhaps then, he’ll think of Myungsoo as only a friend.
± so, i had this weird thought that myungsoo would be completely bold in admitted his love, but if his feelings were reciprocated, he would sort of back away, almost not knowing what to do now that's got what he's wanted. then, he would start to imagine all sorts of worst-case scenarios and one thing would lead to another, and he would eventually destroy the one thing he truly loved.omg, don't look at me like that, the myungsoo in my mind is so tragic, udek. ;~;
± and, sungjong would be precious and innocent and so easily swayed and so quickly heartbroken. ;~~~~~; why are my thoughts like this, guys.
☇ they are, by default, tragically flawed.
terminology
{uncertainty}
When Jiae walks into the room, Myungsoo feels confused. He doesn’t understand why there’s a girl in their dorm when this is supposed to be a show on Infinite. He can already tell he won’t like her, because she’s demanding, shoving past Woohyun’s hands and stealing their food. He settles into his seat and keeps on eating like she doesn’t bother him, and the members laugh nervously.
He watches Sungjong whisper something to Jiae, and now he knows he won’t ever like her.
{alliance}
Jiae isn’t as obnoxious as she was initially, and Myungsoo tries his hardest to make her feel at home. But, he has never been very good with words, only knowing how to express feelings through actions. So, he clings to her when they’re in a wheelbarrow, fingers curling over soft skin like an invitation. “Want to be friends?” it says, and Jiae screeches, grasping him in a way that says, “Of course.”
He grins, wind cutting at his chapped lips, and pretends he doesn’t notice the way Sungjong is pressed against him, because that would be giving voice (or worse, justification) to his feelings, and Myungsoo is, by nature, a careful person.
He tells himself to not get involved, tells himself to not watch Sungjong so close, too close, close enough to give people something to mutter about.
He keeps telling himself he can handle this and the camera in front of his face rattles the same as his smile
{danger}
This is risky, he thinks, holding Sungjong like this at night. But, Sungjong mutters something in his sleep, turning over and hugging Myungsoo around the middle. Myungsoo’s mind freezes and his hands are moving on their own accord when they pull Sungjong closer.
Someone moves next to him, and he pauses. All of a sudden, he hears Woohyun’s voice. He forgets to breathe for second, arms tightening around Sungjong, but then he remembers that Woohyun is a sleep talker. He breathes out slowly, heart still hammering painfully in his chest, and Sungjong nuzzles his nose into Myungsoo’s shirt.
Oxygen evades him for the second time tonight, and he is certain risk is part of the reason he can’t stop.
{hallucination}
To say that he’s simply imagining Sungjong’s advances would be, quite honestly, stupid. Myungsoo is an intuitive person, and Sungjong is simply obvious.
“Hyung,” he whispers, standing painfully close, “Hyung, I’m hungry.”
Myungsoo wants to elbow him away, but instead, he brings a hand around that flawless chin, and his voice is sickly sweet when he says, “Go ask Woohyun.”
Sungjong pouts, and Myungsoo is already halfway into the kitchen.
{priority}
The PD says they’ve got to be funnier, that they can’t keep cutting out all the boring parts. He says they have to behave like idols if they want to be treated as such. So, at the camp site, they decide to dance. They shove Jiae up, chanting along with SNSD in order to encourage her, but she ducks her head, dancing shyly and missing all the steps. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sungjong screaming the lyrics like his life depends on it.
The members clap along, and soon they jump in, dancing like wild men around the fire. Perhaps it’s too soon to be sleepy, but Myungsoo uses that as an excuse to linger around Sungjong, casting adoring looks his way almost religiously.
Someone runs into him, apologizing hastily before dancing again, fist pumping along with the beat. It’s crowded, Myungsoo realizes, and dark. The lights set up on the sand aren’t as bright as Myungsoo first found them.
He doesn’t know why he’s brave all of a sudden, because really, team comes first, always has and always should. But, here he is, touching Sungjong’s thighs, pulling him close, and saying such horrible things.
Things like, “I love you.”
Sungjong laughs, hips swaying sideways as he turns around. Myungsoo knows Sungjong doesn’t get it, because the boy’s putting bony arms around his shoulder like what Myungsoo just said was innocent.
Team comes first, but today, for a heartbeat, Sungjong tops the list.
And, Myungsoo wonders if it’s too late to stop now.
{love}
In an interview, Sungjong says he’s never been in love. Sunggyu smiles at his untainted magnae, and Myungsoo wants to make corrections, say that maybe Sungjong just doesn’t know he’s in love.
But, he remains quiet like always.
And, like always, he also says he’s never been in love.
{gravity}
It is natural, perhaps, to fall down, but Myungsoo has never felt like falling up.
“But, wouldn't falling up just be... flying?”
Myungsoo rotates his jaw, and touches the ends of Sungjong’s bangs. “I guess so.”
Sungjong rolls his eyes, (really, he doesn’t get his hyungs sometimes) and Myungsoo grins deceptively wide. Woohyun pops up out of nowhere, lazily drawing Sungjong into his chest, and smiles at Myungsoo.
“Hey, let’s go to the beach.”
Myungsoo starts to scowl, but Sungjong screeches with joy, nails digging into Woohyun’s arm, and Myungsoo rethinks his reaction.
“Yes, let’s go,” he says, and it’s worth it when Sungjong’s screeches double in volume.
{jealously}
Myungsoo would be the last one to admit it, but it bothers him when Woohyun and Sungjong are together. He finds it especially bothersome when Woohyun stands between him and Sungjong during fanmeets.
On such occasions, Myungsoo reaches around Woohyun, poking Sungjong in a way that begs for acknowledgment almost like a spoiled puppy. And, of course, Sungjong grins at him, the curving of his lips coming so naturally to him that Myungsoo feels a little lost.
Woohyun doesn’t ever notice, standing carelessly close to Sungjong, and Myungsoo forgives like he always does.
But, sometimes, when no one’s looking, Myungsoo dares to define ‘jealousy’ and finds the results only a little surprising for he has always known about the pain. He supposes he just didn’t know that much about the aftermath.
{forever}
Infinity is a loose term, since no one has, or ever will, reach it. Forever exists, of course, just not for humans, or any other destroyable object for that matter.
Sungjong, however, makes Myungsoo want to reach the very end.
Sungjong makes Myungsoo want the impossible. That’s just the way it’s been for a while now, and Myungsoo is hardly surprised when he thinks in eternities as Sungjong dances.
{misfortune}
Tragedy isn’t a foreign term for Myungsoo, for he has read Romeo and Juliet and understood it. Having always been smart, he got the meaning quicker too. So, when the teacher called on him, he said, “They didn’t really love each other.” (He never did quite get why that was the wrong answer.)
But, there’s something about Sungjong that makes Myungsoo redefine the term “tragedy”. In his mind, tragedies have always seemed ugly, just like a cut open heart, but with Sungjong, he thinks that maybe even tragedies can be beautiful.
He watches Sungjong smile, smile, smile until it looks like he’s laughing, but Myungsoo knows better. (Doesn’t he always?) He knows the bigger they come, the harder they fall.
{heartbreak}
Myungsoo kneels down next to Sungjong, slipping casual fingers around that loose shirt and pulling the boy close. This isn’t how they normally sit, but today’s different. Today, Myungsoo has maybe lost it, because, there is nothing more frustrating than a man who just won’t listen.
“Sungjong, I love you.”
Did you hear me?
“Hyung, don’t say stupid things.”
It’s been too long of day, so Myungsoo doesn’t argue like usual, doesn’t try to cut at the barriers. He simply leans into Sungjong’s soft skin, hoping for its coldness to seep into him. It’s really been too long of a day, and that’s the only reason Sungjong brings up a hand to run through Myungsoo’s hair.
That is the only reason.
{restricted}
Myungsoo’s patience has always been limited, and it goes without saying that he is fed up of loving so one-sidedly. So, he decides to let his feelings be known.
Stepping cautiously over a sound asleep Dongwoo, Myungsoo reaches Sungjong, who is crouched over in front of the computer. Sungjong clicks almost mindlessly away and Myungsoo taps his shoulder.
As expected, Sungjong turns around with a grin, but unlike most times, that grin seems to be mocking Myungsoo.
“Sungjong, I’ve got something very important to say.”
“What is it, hyung?”
Fuck, Myungsoo thinks, he can’t do this.
He takes in a deep breath, and the words spill out as if they’d been pressed up against his teeth just waiting for a chance to be spoken. The irony, Myungsoo finds, is in the way they sound so much uglier once spoken. The irony is Sungjong’s reaction. The irony is that everything is coming to an end.
{mistake}
His fingers close around the silk of Sungjong’s sleeve, and Sungjong looks back with pretty, little tears balanced at tips of his eyelashes. Myungsoo’s hand slacks and the next time it clenches, it is around thin air. This isn’t the ending he imagined, but wait- he didn’t really imagine an ending to begin with.
He always figured that a smile would follow the confession, maybe even a hesitant kiss. Not this, though, not Sungjong running away.
This isn’t, Myungsoo thinks, the way they were supposed to end.
{repent}
As hard he tries, he can’t bring himself to regret his words. Not even as he thinks of Sungjong’s tears, the betrayal in those eyes. He thinks he should be wishing for time reversal, thinks that would be more appropriate than the relief he feels.
It's just that it maybe feels really good to have said the words that have been rerunning themselves in his mind.
{fake}
Myungsoo realizes that Sungjong is more confused than hurt, and it gives him a flicker of hope. He sticks to Sungjong’s side, saying everything a hyung should but doing everything a hyung shouldn’t. The difference between words and actions only confuses Sungjong further.
So, Myungsoo decides to set things straight.
“I’m sorry,” he says once they’re alone and Sungjong is as forgiving as ever.
“That’s okay,” Sungjong says, voice breaking like he’s going through puberty too fast (or, maybe just learning to love too fast.)
“Let’s be friends again, okay?”
“Of course,” Sungjong squeals, eagerly taking Myungsoo’s hand, and he doesn’t even flinch when Myungsoo pulls him into a hug.
It should feel wrong, Myungsoo thinks, tainting the innocent, but it doesn’t and that begins to terrify him.
{belief}
Now, for Myungsoo, trust is important. So, he figures he can trust Sungjong to stay by his side just like he trusts Sungyeol to say something weird and trusts Sunggyu to make sense of situations.
What he doesn’t count on, however, is doubt. Silly, he thinks, to not factor in a worst case scenario. Ridiculous, he finds, to have to recalculate his entire definition of trust.
Sungjong is walking towards him, looking as bright as the sun, and Myungsoo holds out a hand that, normally, Sungjong would have taken without a second thought. But, today, Jiae is stepping in front of him, tugging at his arm and begging him to play with her. Myungsoo shakes her away, but Sungjong’s smile is breaking all the same.
Trust, Myungsoo learns, is a two-way street.
{fabrication}
He catches Sungjong crying one day, curled up in a corner and not making a single noise, and he knows it’s his fault. No one else would ever make Sungjong cry, purposely or otherwise.
“Sungjong,” he says softly, and the boy immediately stiffens.
“Oh, hyung,” he starts, voice cracking, “I just, I was just thinking about Jiae leaving, and-“
Myungsoo pulls Sungjong into him so that the younger has his back against Myungsoo’s chest, and he brings his lips against Sungjong’s ear.
“Don’t cry,” he whispers desperately, “Please, don’t cry.”
Sungjong relaxes into Myungsoo’s touch and Myungsoo feels warm tears on the hands he has wrapped around Sungjong’s waist.
“I don’t think I’m supposed to feel like this.”
Myungsoo understands, of course, since he’s been through this, but he doesn’t know how make it better.
“Do you love me?” he asks, such insecure hesitance in his voice that he’s surprised when Sungjong doesn’t laugh at him.
“Of course, I do. I love all the hyungs. But, why, why is it different for you?”
A childlike question, Myungsoo thinks, but then, with a pang, he realizes that Sungjong is just that; a child. A child who maybe never even thought of love, much less expected it to happen.
He runs fingers through Sungjong’s hair and rests his chin on Sungjong’s shoulder.
“Because you don’t love them like you love me.”
“I know that. But, why?”
“I don’t know, Sungjong.”
“If I, if I give us a chance, do you think I’ll get hurt?”
The answer is so obvious, but Myungsoo opts for the lie. “No. I’ll protect you, okay?”
“I’m scared,” Sungjong says in a small voice and Myungsoo kisses his ear.
“Don’t be.”
His mind screeches a different story, silently telling Sungjong to leave while he still has the chance, leave while he’s still above the water.
But, his words, like usual, reassure Sungjong, begging him to stay.
{rendezvous}
It’s anything but planned, their first date. They sneak away from the dorm, feigning schedule restrictions, and they giggle as they run through the alleys. Since they’re more popular now, they both pull their hats low. As hoped, no one recognizes them, and they even link pinkies for a short second.
Myungsoo buys Sungjong ice-cream, and they go to the fish market.
Squealing like a teenage girl, Sungjong points at everything he wants. And, naturally, Myungsoo gets him whatever that may be.
As they walk back, Sungjong leaning against Myungsoo and vice versa, the sun casts their shadows in front of them. Sungjong intertwines their fingers together and Myungsoo watches his silhouette do the same.
“I love you,” Sungjong says softly.
And, for the first time in a long time, Myungsoo feels scared.
{retract}
Sungjong is falling hard, faster than Myungsoo anticipated and he begins to withdraw. It’s not that he loves Sungjong any less; he’s just afraid of where they’re going.
“What’s wrong?” Sungjong asks, perceptive as ever, and Myungsoo shrugs the question away.
{rationale}
He cries the hardest when Jiae leaves, not having expected to feel so empty, and Sungjong barely sniffles. His face is like porcelain, beautifully white and yet so horrendously lifeless. Myungsoo reaches out amidst the sobs and tears, touches Sungjong where it should hurt.
Sungjong flinches away, using Jiae’s absence as an excuse to leave the room. Myungsoo knows better, and this is one instance he wish he didn’t.
{fix}
He tries to makes amends, tries to break the brand new shell Sungjong has quarantined himself under, but try as he might, Sungjong just won’t listen.
“I thought we had something special. I thought-“
Thought you wouldn’t hurt me, goes unsaid because Sungjong is still Sungjong, so very caring of others’ feelings and so very afraid of upsetting someone.
“I didn’t promise forever, Sungjong. I should have warned you, but you also should have known. You should have known we wouldn’t last,” he mutters, but as he says this, he wonders if he’s consoling Sungjong or himself.
“No, you said you wouldn’t- You said you’d protect me.”
“And, I have,” Myungsoo insists, even as his heart revolts, “I have. I’ve protected you from everything. I just-“
Just forgot to protect you from me, his mind finishes, and he has never felt worse.
“I’m sorry,” he breathes out, but Sungjong is already walking away. Myungsoo thinks if they were living in another world, he would have stopped Sungjong, whispered love into his hair, spoken of always. Tragic, he thinks, to end up like this.
{exonerate}
Myungsoo knows Sungjong won’t ever forgive him, but he hopes Sungjong can maybe forget. Perhaps, when Sungjong is old and has grandchildren, he’ll think back to Myungsoo and smile. Perhaps then, he won’t remember his first heartbreak.
Perhaps then, he’ll think of Myungsoo as only a friend.
± so, i had this weird thought that myungsoo would be completely bold in admitted his love, but if his feelings were reciprocated, he would sort of back away, almost not knowing what to do now that's got what he's wanted. then, he would start to imagine all sorts of worst-case scenarios and one thing would lead to another, and he would eventually destroy the one thing he truly loved.omg, don't look at me like that, the myungsoo in my mind is so tragic, udek. ;~;
± and, sungjong would be precious and innocent and so easily swayed and so quickly heartbroken. ;~~~~~; why are my thoughts like this, guys.