I'm a fucking Girl Scout?!?!?!?
I Stole this from Maia
I WANT A GUY. . . .
who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me.
hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous.
a pretty boy. but not so pretty that i feel akward.
someone who would think i was beautiful if i dressed so trashy it was classy.
someone who would sing to me at random moments.
who would let me sleep on their chest.
someone who is more goofy than romantic but knows the right things to say and do at the right times.
someone who would let me gossip to him and would just smile and not argue with everything i said
he would throw stuffed animals at me when i acted dumb and then dog pile on me and kiss me a millon times
we would bet kisses on who could beat who on a playstations game thats a millon years old.
and someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh
he would surprise me with 25 cent rings
and we would have contest of how far we could spit our gum.
he would take me to the park and put his hands around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time.
someone who would kiss my neck just to have a reason to tell me how much he likes my new perfume
and at night we would dance in our pajamas
and we'd always take pictures in photo booths..
he would never turn down a trip to the boardwalk and we'd play tag on the beach.
he would tell all his friends about me and smile when he did it.
we would sit on the kitchen floor and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches..
and we'd make out in the pouring rain.
he would tell me when he didint think something looked good and i wouldnt mind.
he would TRY to teach me how to play the guitar but we'd just end up laughing at eachohter.
he would share lollipops with me and get along with all of my friends.
he would never be afraid to say " i love you" infront of his friends and we would argue of silly things with me then make up.
i want a boy who would take me to target to just make fun of some of the stuff there.
we would kiss at midnight on new years
and make funny faces at eachother whne im on the phone.
i want a boy whho would count stars with me and be friends with my family.
i want someone who would stay home with me on a friday night just to help me make a dinner and watch moives together under the same blanket and squirt water guns at eachother in the house.
someone who would tell me im beautiful but not too often ..
someone who would look me in the eye and tell me something serious that was also funny and make me promise not to laugh.
someone who would make me laugh like no one else could.
someone who would hold me closer than normal when im sick, and would play with my hair.
we would buy tons of disposible cameras and take lots of pictures.
but mostly..i want someone who would be my best friend and would never lie to me or break my heart . . . .
These are just some things that i would love to have in a guy. but this prolly would never happen for me with my luck and all so i just can wish. But so far the day went ok i guess corinnes being dramatic about stuff that i can't really share but i hope shes ok sence shes of her pills and al it scares me at times i guess because i never know if shes ok or not and that hurts most of the time.
.I'm still some what upset but only becuase it just seems that with all of my friends i'm being like a secondary person like the type of friend that when you have no one else and nothing better to do . I don't feel like they want me to be there and tommie started yelling at me telling me that i shouldn't give my sister a hard time because shes going through a hard time which i just got pissed (while i was already pissed) becuase i wanted to make my self a egg sandwhich for dinner and she wouldn't let me cause she was using the last one for breakfast tommarow. Then she told me she was going through a hard time and i tried to keep my anger to myself and to what i was really mad about (which was not the egg sandwhich it had nothing to do with that i was just taking my anger out with that) then tommie told corinne she wanted to talk to me and she started yelling at me i just through the phone on the table not wanting to listen to her becuase i already heard it once form corinne i don't need to hear it a second time from a person i consider one of my best friends defending my sister when i'm not doing so good either. Sure Corinne might be going through more stuff right now but i'm also dealing with shit it may be small compared to hers but it still hurts, and tommmie hasn't said shit to me or does she ask anything, and alison is't being the greatest either shes i don't know how to explain it but she doesn't seem liek shes there and it might just be me beinfg suspicous thinking somethings wrong but its really not then i think everythings different and its not really but i don't know i just feel like no ones there... a great time to listen to hole so it gives me something to do.
School kind of sucks right now i'm failing like 3 core classes i'm trying to work with Mary-Beth to be put in Special-ED or get like tutors or something to encourage me and make me fucking understand what the hell i'm doing because i don't and its fucking confusing and its pissing me. I'm just a lazt fucking fat ass you just doesn't want to do the work and i keep sleeping all day becasue i havn't been taking my iron supplements so i wont be anemic so i wont fucking sleep for like 3 hours in the day, and then not start my homework untill usually 10 10:30ish at night and stay up until 12 doing it. Then i usaully can't fall asleep for another aother 1/2 hour to an hour so its ually one when i fall asleep then i wake up hopefully at 6:45 becuase i'm too fucking tired to get up so then thats only 5 hours and 45 minutes of sleep each day before school then add the 3 hour napping period and thats 8 hours and 45 minutes. God i'm all bitching about the cycle of when i do my homeowrk and its 11:25 now and i still havn't done mine its like 10 fucking easy questions that i'm just to lazy to do.
God Ever sence Friday my low self-esteem came back and bit me in the ass i tried not to have it for a while like running away form it but it just didn't work well it did for a while but now it doesn't becuase i know that its not real and that i just tried to find tons of placebos to cover for me and make me think that everything was alright but deep down inside i knew it wasn't. I knew my sister wasn't ok i knew what people thaought of me i knew that my ways of obtaing the same weight or what not wasn't the greatest but the biggest thing that i found amusing out of that was that i was happy like purely happy a little dramatic here and there but no big thing happened until all fo that was destroyed on friday at the socail after the water incedent. God i feel sorry for who ever reads these entrys i'm so pathetic no one fucking cares about my problems. their stupid and pointless. I'm so over dramatic but yet i have to be becuase its the only thing i know. I feel bad for peope like Emma, Alison, Maia, and Le Sure for dealing with me for so long, seeing how pathetic i am, just day after day hearing all about my fucking non-existent problems.
My weekend was fucking awesome i mean sure the people were cool to hang out with (tommie and a chick named Racheal) but what wa so great about it wa that it was so care free. The majority of it was us drinking they got drunk i swear tommie was like shit faced because her and Racheal took these pills i forget what they were called but they took them before they got drunk. I didn't get toally drunk but i was pretty damn close and i loved being that way i just didn't care about anything thats why i like hanging out with tommie she gets me in the mood where i don't have to care i mean shaun and alison do that somewhat but theres just something about tommie that makes her do that. But shaun and alison put me in alot of other happy moods but immeadeatly if i notice either tommie shaun or alison are sad i get sad because my best friends are sad. I try to help them in anyway that i can but most times its hard becuase they don't talk to me about they prefer to talk to their counsoler or Corinne which is ok i guess i just seem to make problems worst. Thats just who i am the bringer of ultimate doom and sadness, i ruin everything unintentionally but i do in the end. I kind of sucks just because then it ruins things even more for me, and then people hate me and et mad at me and then i get sad becuase everyone hates me and are mad at me. Next thing i know people stop telling me things and then i wonder what it is i start tryingf ot figure it out but i can't and i get pissed becuase everyone knows and i don't and i feel alone and then no ones there (or atleast it seems like it) and i'm stuck then when people finally try to see whats wtrong i'm still pissed and them and at the time don't want to listen or talk to them so i walk a way and they get pissed. i walk a way so i can take alll the negativity out of me and cool off before i attempt to talk to them so i don't ruin things more but for 8 years tommie and shaun havn't seem to get that, which is ok whatever but when you guys read this you'll know thats why so just know.
On Sunday Corinne called me a Girl Scout which isn't the typical cookie seller girl its the type of girl where they have a metaphoical badge sang that their bisexual but they've never touched a girl in there life and don't plan too, or where there a "tom cat" in the sac but there still a virgin, or that there kinky and they've never done anything kinky, or there suicidal and their a cutter but nothing has ever happened in their life that would make you be that way. These Girl Scouts are usaully dressed in Hot Topic (no affence to those who like hot topic and dress in it) and they also try to be "goth" or "punk" or try to pull off being a "stoner" but never have in there whole life or have but don't usually do it. Girl Scouts are most tiems posers i guess you could say but i think there in alot of ways just confused with stereotypes in general if someone says there goth then they'll star dressing more in a black and take away all depth from them selves and try to be like other people. She called me a Girl Scout because the majority of the books that i want to read happen to be about self mutilation and eating disorders and partying. This was all a coinsedence just an accident just those are 3 topics that interest me but i see where she was getting at. There was one more reason and i think it was me being over dramatic but i can't remember what it was but again if thast what it was i see where she was getting with this. She mentioned when she told me that i'm still trying to find my true self but i just have to be careful because slowly i'm picking up the traits of a Girl Scout. I see where she was going for once but i have no clue who i should be and who i am but at the same time i don't want to upset any of my friends but again all of my opinions and beleifs are based off them is that really being my self? no its being them, i can't offiacial find myself until i'm by myself and i'm like never alone i have all of my friends explain to me all this shit then i think oht hats pretty cool i want to see what thats like then i get called a fucking girl scout. i can't xperiment with out being called a poser i can't live my own life basically who says i'm going to stay that way no one i'm just testing something and i seems like i can't with out getting the third degree.
Well I think i'm going to stop bitching and complaining like a fucking idiot and hopefully just keep what evers in mind to myself becuase its not like anyone cares and i ig uess i just need some one to tell becuase no one will listen so if you've actually made it far in my livejournal entry with out stopping becuase i'm just being a fucking idiot then leave a comment just so i can see if you made it to the last part and read the whole thing then i can see who actuallt cares
I finally finished the entry at 12:30 and i still havn't done my fucking math homework and i'm probabbly not going to....