Magical Thinking
It happens when I have not been to work for awhile, I sort of get this feeling that I will never make money again. The last time I was at work, I couldn't make money, I was hated. I left early and bought a bunch of beer and then I called and told my boss that I probably wouldn't be making it back that evening.
I was talking to someone on the phone the other night, (I'm very interested in them) and I blurted out that I don't have a social life! Which is very not true, but very true at the same time. I go into these long work spurts where I intentionally don't put money on my cell phone, and I barely do anything except for work, and outside of work, I just retell the freak stories from work. That, is me without a social life, but I'm quite content with it. I'll work like eight or nine days like this and then take three days off where I have that Evan Dando complex.. Don't want to get stoned but I don't want to not get stoned.
I know I'm really goodlooking but what happens when I'm not? Really our minds are the only thing that we have. I've noticed that since I've started smoking pot, I don't feel so tense all the time, I'm a lot calmer and my temper is very relieved. A lot of the problems I have with my past sort of melt away or blur together.. Whatever. But at the same time, the next day, I feel so clueless. I have no idea what's going on and I'm really sleepy. I keep meeting burnouts and they scare the fuck out of me. But I like the escape. Can you balance weed? Isn't it going to really catch up with me? Sometimes I get really stoned and then I read or I look things up and I get really into it.
I'm getting ready for work right now, feeling a little sick. I keep concentrating on making money. I was talking to this guy (the one who thinks I have no social life, because I'm a total dumbass) and he says that magical thinking is really kind of like a sugar pill.. You think about something enough and it will make you want it more, and you'll work harder to achieve it. But I think he's wrong. What about situations where you have no control over the outcome. Like when you're sitting on a train in Maine and you're headed to Harvard Square eventually, and you hope to see this person who will eventually learn/think that you have no social life, and there he is, you run into each other. Tell me that is not magical thinking?! I'm not going to write all of this stupid stuff about this person but he happened to be a good example and he was already relevant.
Every night, before I go to work, I try to picture myself making money. I concentrate and tell myself I will make money. I pray. I spend the entire time I'm getting ready concentrating. The harder I concentrate on it, the better the millionaire candidate I become.
Tonight, I was trying to automanipulate and I couldn't find this fucking CD I wanted to hear anywhere. I'd just seen it before I'd left and then it was gone. Oh, I was angry. I had to get up and I looked through like 50 CD cases and couldn't find it. Then, I settled for George Harrison which I used to listen to on the train.
Maybe it's college 'jitters' or something but I keep freaking out about how smart I REALLY am. Am I smart?? I think so. Everything I normally do, which is not a blatant let me open a book thing, is becoming unnecessary. I keep looking at words and wondering if I spelled them correctly, I watch TV and I feel guilty for paying attention, I feel stupid for wasting my time and trees on tabloids instead of Jane Fucking Austen. I'm curling my hair and I stare at Italian conjugations. Also, I feel like I'm getting really old. I noticed my hamstring muscle isn't as prominent as it once was. Why do I keep eating? Do I have sun damage? Should I stop colouring my hair because the fumes will bother my head? And the smoking! I smoke cigarettes until my heart races and hurts. I drink wine like a fish. And when that's gone, I drink beer. I drink AND I don't have a social life. I wear heels all the time, maybe my knees will go soon.
A week ago, I was walking around Cambride topless, and right now, I feel like the oldest, dumbest pothead there ever was. I still correct people in my head. Like today, Tina said something, mid conversation like '..there's people...,' and in my mind, I was like 'ARE!!!!!!' And then I heard a COMMERCIAL (which I REALLY shouldn't have been watching) which used the word 'stupidest.' I think it was a political commercial too, which makes it even worse. It sounds like a car wreck to me. And then, my ex, Scott, who I'm really good friends with, he's from Jersey and he uses that awful Jersey grammar, if you can call it that, especially when he's really concentrating on an idea, just not saying it. I know it's supposed to sound local and kind of honest or frank or something but in my mind, I want to smack him.
Maybe I am smart. Maybe if I focus enough on being smart, it will click. I just don't think that Magical Thinking directly applies to intellect. I think intellect is something that causes you to naturally pursue things and consider them, and that it spans from 'factoids' (DAMN guy who thinks I don't have a social life!) to social situations (social graces, comfortability..) to spiritualism.. it's not just confined to something you'd be able to learn at school, or futhermore, in a book.
How can you not believe in Magical Thinking? It's such a beautiful idea. You can WILL something to happen. It's just like in Friends tonight, when Rachel willed Ross to say her name instead of Emily's, during his nuptuals. Never ask a physicist anything, except to fuck you. They only understand motions.
I was talking to someone on the phone the other night, (I'm very interested in them) and I blurted out that I don't have a social life! Which is very not true, but very true at the same time. I go into these long work spurts where I intentionally don't put money on my cell phone, and I barely do anything except for work, and outside of work, I just retell the freak stories from work. That, is me without a social life, but I'm quite content with it. I'll work like eight or nine days like this and then take three days off where I have that Evan Dando complex.. Don't want to get stoned but I don't want to not get stoned.
I know I'm really goodlooking but what happens when I'm not? Really our minds are the only thing that we have. I've noticed that since I've started smoking pot, I don't feel so tense all the time, I'm a lot calmer and my temper is very relieved. A lot of the problems I have with my past sort of melt away or blur together.. Whatever. But at the same time, the next day, I feel so clueless. I have no idea what's going on and I'm really sleepy. I keep meeting burnouts and they scare the fuck out of me. But I like the escape. Can you balance weed? Isn't it going to really catch up with me? Sometimes I get really stoned and then I read or I look things up and I get really into it.
I'm getting ready for work right now, feeling a little sick. I keep concentrating on making money. I was talking to this guy (the one who thinks I have no social life, because I'm a total dumbass) and he says that magical thinking is really kind of like a sugar pill.. You think about something enough and it will make you want it more, and you'll work harder to achieve it. But I think he's wrong. What about situations where you have no control over the outcome. Like when you're sitting on a train in Maine and you're headed to Harvard Square eventually, and you hope to see this person who will eventually learn/think that you have no social life, and there he is, you run into each other. Tell me that is not magical thinking?! I'm not going to write all of this stupid stuff about this person but he happened to be a good example and he was already relevant.
Every night, before I go to work, I try to picture myself making money. I concentrate and tell myself I will make money. I pray. I spend the entire time I'm getting ready concentrating. The harder I concentrate on it, the better the millionaire candidate I become.
Tonight, I was trying to automanipulate and I couldn't find this fucking CD I wanted to hear anywhere. I'd just seen it before I'd left and then it was gone. Oh, I was angry. I had to get up and I looked through like 50 CD cases and couldn't find it. Then, I settled for George Harrison which I used to listen to on the train.
Maybe it's college 'jitters' or something but I keep freaking out about how smart I REALLY am. Am I smart?? I think so. Everything I normally do, which is not a blatant let me open a book thing, is becoming unnecessary. I keep looking at words and wondering if I spelled them correctly, I watch TV and I feel guilty for paying attention, I feel stupid for wasting my time and trees on tabloids instead of Jane Fucking Austen. I'm curling my hair and I stare at Italian conjugations. Also, I feel like I'm getting really old. I noticed my hamstring muscle isn't as prominent as it once was. Why do I keep eating? Do I have sun damage? Should I stop colouring my hair because the fumes will bother my head? And the smoking! I smoke cigarettes until my heart races and hurts. I drink wine like a fish. And when that's gone, I drink beer. I drink AND I don't have a social life. I wear heels all the time, maybe my knees will go soon.
A week ago, I was walking around Cambride topless, and right now, I feel like the oldest, dumbest pothead there ever was. I still correct people in my head. Like today, Tina said something, mid conversation like '..there's people...,' and in my mind, I was like 'ARE!!!!!!' And then I heard a COMMERCIAL (which I REALLY shouldn't have been watching) which used the word 'stupidest.' I think it was a political commercial too, which makes it even worse. It sounds like a car wreck to me. And then, my ex, Scott, who I'm really good friends with, he's from Jersey and he uses that awful Jersey grammar, if you can call it that, especially when he's really concentrating on an idea, just not saying it. I know it's supposed to sound local and kind of honest or frank or something but in my mind, I want to smack him.
Maybe I am smart. Maybe if I focus enough on being smart, it will click. I just don't think that Magical Thinking directly applies to intellect. I think intellect is something that causes you to naturally pursue things and consider them, and that it spans from 'factoids' (DAMN guy who thinks I don't have a social life!) to social situations (social graces, comfortability..) to spiritualism.. it's not just confined to something you'd be able to learn at school, or futhermore, in a book.
How can you not believe in Magical Thinking? It's such a beautiful idea. You can WILL something to happen. It's just like in Friends tonight, when Rachel willed Ross to say her name instead of Emily's, during his nuptuals. Never ask a physicist anything, except to fuck you. They only understand motions.