(no subject)
Thinking about death again. Was thinking about how if I don't get a job or something soon after I graduate I'll feel useless and like a leech, but I won't feel that way at Daddy's house because I know that's a temporary situation, and I was also thinking about how I can't keep staying in this house with the kid, and I thought, "If I move out, there's a much better chance I'll accomplish something in life, but there's also a much higher chance that I'll commit suicide." And just a minute ago there was a post about unmarked police cars and calling 112 and whatever and I was like "I'd piss the dude off so he'd shoot me" and yeah.
I wanna cut just to see if it helps. but I don't have anything really sharp and I don't have the patience for something not sharp. I'll break out those nail scissors I have if the urge gets too strong... Look at me, inviting a messed up habit like that, trying to be one of the 'cool kids'. I make myself sick.
I just wanna stop existing and not have to deal with anything anymore
I've done the bibliography for that one thing but I need to find references and correct myself on the other two and add to the third one and I have five and a half hours but I don't know if I'm going to do it because I really don't have the energy
I only have the energy to be sad and type out self-pitying journal entries
I have a piano lesson tomorrow and I hope I don't have to walk home and I don't really want to go but it's like the second or third-to-last lesson I'll have with Mr. B., so... I don't wanna NOT go... And if I have to walk home I hope it's not as hot as it's been today
I'm really tired
It's just stress over school though. That's probably all it is. I'm not depressed, I'm probably not even anxious. It's all in my head.
And I'm reading to see if it's normal for depressed people to feel like they're faking it and someone mentioned hallucinations and I remembered sorta hallucinating seeing a bug on me the other night and I was like "let a bug land on me" and the thought didn't really come in words but sorta "let something come eat me"
I'm hungry but am not going to eat. Or, I dunno, I might, but right now I just really don't give a fuck and I think maybe depriving myself of food when I'm depressed is becoming a thing.
Of course, as I write this I am becoming progressively hungrier, so I dunno and I guess we'll see
I'm fucking useless and I'm gonna get up and take a shower as soon as I find the energy
I feel so much like I'm faking and it feels bad