first off, I'd like to question the heteronormative assumptions implicit in some of the questions you raise here. whatever the answer, the question shouldn't be "member of the opposite sex" or "member of the same sex" but rather "individual to whom one might conceivably have some sexual or romantic attraction".
but even that is a flawed construction because not everyone of X sexual orientation is attracted to every member of Y sexual orientation (where Y = the sex and orientation generally preferred by X), and sometimes members of X orientation are attracted to members of Z orientation (where Z = the sex and orientation *not* generally preferred by X).
add to this the facts that gender and sex are not always one and the same, that romantic attraction and sexual attraction seldom if ever map onto each other on a 1:1 basis, and the fact that some not-insignificant fraction of the population is so sexually opportunistic that they'll regard *anything* as a potential chance to pleasure their Body Part R (where Body Part R = whatever body part seems mostly likely to give them a really good orgasm or six) and the whole line of inquiry seems pretty much stillborn or cursed, at the very least, to chase its own tail.
if you'll pardon the pun.
but...to the extent that it is even discussable:
no.
dinner does not equal date. does not equal sexual overture. does not equal inappropriate. does not equal cheating. does not equal even a mild expression of flirtation or affection. at least, no more than coffee, breakfast, lunch, a beer, a good long jog, sharing a bus seat, borrowing money, lending money, or any one of just about all other things.
no less either.
that is, anything is an overture if it's intended as an overture, and if it's not, it's nothing more than that which is intended.
it's a social engagement and nothing more. I've had dinner with probably 20 different people in the last year - some male, some female, some attractive to me, some not, some of whom I've dated, some of whom I've had sex with but not dated, some of whom I work with, some of whom I had never met before and haven't seen or spoken with since. and they all meant about the same thing: "I'm hungry and here's someone else who's hungry with whom I might have a conversation that turns out to be more interesting than eating at home and watching fucking doctor who".
the other question is a lot easier: no, not everyone is an ex. if you haven't had sex, they probably don't count as an ex. if you had sex less than three times on three separate occasions or less than 7 times on one single occasion, they don't count as an ex. if they were someone with whom you cheated on a previous partner, they are not an ex. usually. if it's been more than 5 years since your relationship ended and at least 7 years since the last time you had sex, they are an ex but no longer have to be identified as such. otherwise, they're your ex-gf/bf/spouse/daddy/fuckfriend/etc and should be identified as such.
and, although you didn't ask, no one over the age of 25 has any business at all being possessive or pissy or weird about their partner hanging out or introducing them to an ex-whatever...provided the ex-whatever really genuinely is "ex" or unless they broke up less than a month ago.
The reason why I did boy girl because based on the conversations I have been having lately the stigma seemed to be very specific to boy/girl rather then to same gender interests. That was not an oversight :)
This all got started when I suggested somebody take their soon to be x-wife who they are amazing friends with out for dinner to celebrate all the papers being filed and toast themselves for being so amazingly civil about everything and parting ways the dearest of friends without things once turning ugly. They were amazed at the SUGGESTION! Dinner? NEVER! I was totally blown away by this concept. I asked around to random people different genders, sexual orientations, lifestyles, and interests in this geographical area and they pretty much said the same thing.
I never heard of such a thing. I even asked, if I was to invite his x for dinner would she assume I was putting the moves on her? Of course not. But I am openly bi? Why would this stigma not apply to the same genders in that area to reflect a physical attraction or romantic interest?
I am confused. Yes, if i was going out for dinner with somebody I would tell my significant other especially if i lived with them as a hey, i am going to be late and out, don't call me i might not answer, but above and beyond that i don't feel any explanation is required. Either your trust them or you don't, that's it regardless if its dinner or pie and coffee.
but even that is a flawed construction because not everyone of X sexual orientation is attracted to every member of Y sexual orientation (where Y = the sex and orientation generally preferred by X), and sometimes members of X orientation are attracted to members of Z orientation (where Z = the sex and orientation *not* generally preferred by X).
add to this the facts that gender and sex are not always one and the same, that romantic attraction and sexual attraction seldom if ever map onto each other on a 1:1 basis, and the fact that some not-insignificant fraction of the population is so sexually opportunistic that they'll regard *anything* as a potential chance to pleasure their Body Part R (where Body Part R = whatever body part seems mostly likely to give them a really good orgasm or six) and the whole line of inquiry seems pretty much stillborn or cursed, at the very least, to chase its own tail.
if you'll pardon the pun.
but...to the extent that it is even discussable:
no.
dinner does not equal date. does not equal sexual overture. does not equal inappropriate. does not equal cheating. does not equal even a mild expression of flirtation or affection. at least, no more than coffee, breakfast, lunch, a beer, a good long jog, sharing a bus seat, borrowing money, lending money, or any one of just about all other things.
no less either.
that is, anything is an overture if it's intended as an overture, and if it's not, it's nothing more than that which is intended.
it's a social engagement and nothing more. I've had dinner with probably 20 different people in the last year - some male, some female, some attractive to me, some not, some of whom I've dated, some of whom I've had sex with but not dated, some of whom I work with, some of whom I had never met before and haven't seen or spoken with since. and they all meant about the same thing: "I'm hungry and here's someone else who's hungry with whom I might have a conversation that turns out to be more interesting than eating at home and watching fucking doctor who".
the other question is a lot easier: no, not everyone is an ex. if you haven't had sex, they probably don't count as an ex. if you had sex less than three times on three separate occasions or less than 7 times on one single occasion, they don't count as an ex. if they were someone with whom you cheated on a previous partner, they are not an ex. usually. if it's been more than 5 years since your relationship ended and at least 7 years since the last time you had sex, they are an ex but no longer have to be identified as such. otherwise, they're your ex-gf/bf/spouse/daddy/fuckfriend/etc and should be identified as such.
and, although you didn't ask, no one over the age of 25 has any business at all being possessive or pissy or weird about their partner hanging out or introducing them to an ex-whatever...provided the ex-whatever really genuinely is "ex" or unless they broke up less than a month ago.
Reply
This all got started when I suggested somebody take their soon to be x-wife who they are amazing friends with out for dinner to celebrate all the papers being filed and toast themselves for being so amazingly civil about everything and parting ways the dearest of friends without things once turning ugly. They were amazed at the SUGGESTION! Dinner? NEVER! I was totally blown away by this concept. I asked around to random people different genders, sexual orientations, lifestyles, and interests in this geographical area and they pretty much said the same thing.
I never heard of such a thing. I even asked, if I was to invite his x for dinner would she assume I was putting the moves on her? Of course not. But I am openly bi? Why would this stigma not apply to the same genders in that area to reflect a physical attraction or romantic interest?
I am confused. Yes, if i was going out for dinner with somebody I would tell my significant other especially if i lived with them as a hey, i am going to be late and out, don't call me i might not answer, but above and beyond that i don't feel any explanation is required. Either your trust them or you don't, that's it regardless if its dinner or pie and coffee.
Reply
Leave a comment